irrepressibleconfessional-blog

[irrepressibleconfessional-blog]

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[irrepressibleconfessional-blog]

Believe me: cross the street.

As I sat last night at my desk and gave myself permission to reflect with intention & honesty on the past year, what came up again and again was the profound gratitude I felt for one day in particular; the most poignant, important, life-altering day of the whole year. I’d even go as far as to say that this day single-handedly takes the cake for the magnitude of life-altering magic occurring in one 24-hour period, but who’s really keeping track?

duh. I am. that’s why I’m here telling this little story.

This little story goes something like this:

#butfirstletmetakeaselfie

Vanessa, this first blog post is dedicated to you, on your birthday, because why the fuck would I not choose to honor you & share my love? Who knew that crossing the street with two strangers (I didn’t know yet that we were sisters & that Scott is the world’s most amazing Wingman, sorry) would end up being the moments that shifted and shaped the most beautiful, meaningful, life-affirming weekend of my entire existence?

Back to that reflection—I was prompted to describe my favorite day, moment, or occasion of 2015 (in words and pictures). The very moment I met you and Scott as we crossed the street together in downtown Denver—that moment is so precious to me. Ingrained in my mind for this lifetime as, without question, the most pivitol, yet simple decisions I will ever make. To simply trust in taking that itsy-bitsy first step towards something really fucking scary, but so desperately needed, for myself & the tribe of human beings we are blessed? (HELL YES) to be a part of.

In hindsight, it seems almost silly. A walk to the bar. Really? A walk to the bar is what changed my entire perspective on life? That’s deep.

And shit’s about to get more real, so hold on to your seat.

Being sandwiched between you two as we walked into an Irish Pub full of people who “knew our secret” and understood us without saying a single peep was so overwhelming I wanted to jump up and down, cry, shout from the mountaintops, and barf—all at the same time. But you were there by my side— while your badass husband bought my strange self a much-needed beer— unknowingly holding my hand (virtual hand holding is a thing, even if I just made it up) & my heart, as I took in what it meant to finally have found the family I never knew I had.

WELL. YEP. Like clockwork. Cue the #waterworks.Now I’m crying, which is nothing new. Except for the fact that before we walked into that bar together, I’d never cried before over the simple truth that I was not alone. NOT ALONE. NOPE. NOT US. NOT THIS SQUAD. EVER.

I have been celebrating you all day—and to be honest, pretty much every day, because I was given the gift of having you there by my side as we embarked on that crazy, mindblowing, beautiful adventure called CancerCon—forever changed by the discovery that,

yeah. life fucking sucks sometimes. Like, really, really sucks. Like, sucks so much that I don’t care one bit that I’ve said swear words on the internets that I can never take back. And with all of the uncertainty and scary shit and anger and revelation and love and celebration and fire-starting, spirit-lighting,kung-fu fighting determination, grit & perseverance—the paradoxical curse & the gift—both bestowed and demanded of us AND without our permission (goddamnit!)—what we gain from experiencing life from this perspective is that, it turns out, DUH, the little moments really do end up being THE BIG MOMENTS.

Thank you for being the big little moment I didn’t even know I needed until I knew that’s what I’d been needing. YOU are THAT to ME.  

‘everywhere I imagine being alive,

there you are

& all I can do is say

thank you to a

universe that

has you in it.’      -brian andreas, “Everywhere”, ‘story people’

Scott, I love you too, don’t worry.

PLAY ON, you badass sister of mine, you. I know you don’t need my permission to live every day of your life like it’s your birthday, but in case you forget from time to time, I’ll be here to remind you.

To the moon & back type of love,

Helen