isarantsworld

[isarantsworld]

Just want to know what it feels like to be loved

[isarantsworld]

My non-existent love

Once again, I realize that I’ve confused things. I’m not sad or disappointed; in fact, I didn’t like him, but rather the feeling of someone being interested in me. No one has ever shown romantic interest in me, which makes me question: am I really that uninteresting or ugly? He liked my friend, or rather, "loves" her.

Recently, I was disillusioned by another boy, a relative of a friend, whom I’ve only seen twice. For no apparent reason, I developed an interest in him. He plays guitar, and after following him, I realized that it was never mutual. Yesterday, my friend told me: "I have bad news for you, Isa. Ryan is seeing another girl." At that moment, I was somewhat impacted, as I thought he might be interested in me, even though we had never spoken.

Crazy? Yes, but read the rest; I have my final conclusion at the end.

As I write all this, I realize that I have "liked" several boys who have never spoken to me. I remember a boy from a school championship, whose friend passed me his profile and said he wasn’t dating anyone. He accepted my request, and for the first time in my life, I tried to flirt. The conversation took ages, and in the end, he blocked me. I felt inadequate even to try flirting; all I said was "hi.

This year, a very handsome new boy joined our School thought it would be a good idea to try to get close to him, but it turned out to be a terrible choice. A friend of mine became friends with him because they both took the same van. I talked to her about it, and she encouraged me to try. In the end, he liked her, and now they are dating. Meanwhile, I had anxiety attacks when the worst girl in school found out and went to tell him—when he didn’t even know about my feelings.

Years ago, I was interested in a boy from my church who lived in another state. I only saw him once a week, online. And you might wonder how I fell in love with someone I barely saw and talked to. I don’t know… it just happened.

I realize as I write all this that I have never truly fallen in love; I was just interested and created things in my head to make sense of my feelings for the person, and it never worked out—I only end up getting hurt. I feel like I will never find someone. I have never been kissed, touched, or been the girl that any boy has fallen for. I’m only 16, but honestly, I can't stand not having even a minimal romantic experience that would make me feel good. I can't bear being the only friend who doesn't have a romantic story to tell. I love my friends, but sometimes I feel like I'm living in their shadows, and I can't handle this need to have someone anymore.