ishouldntbedoingthings

[ishouldntbedoingthings]

Something that is annoying me tonight

One of the friends I have met recently has had sex before, and she talks about sex in a very good light. And, being a transwoman (I think that’s a connection I can make), I’m somewhat jealous. Especially since like, I’m a very sexually minded person. I want to experience that too. And then earlier on tonight I was reading some stuff, and the thoughts came again. Like, I should mention that I’m a virgin, in either sense. And although I didn’t identify as a girl during high school, I started just regretting how I’ve lived my life and how I never tried to care about my appearance or my health in general or my relationships with people or just my behaviour in general. Maybe if I had done, I would have had sex at least once or something. This feels like a silly thing to think about because of people saying things like “It’s fine if you wait. I wish I did” and shit like that. I mean, I haven’t talked to anyone about this so I haven’t actually had that said to me anyway, but people say that about these kinds of thoughts, and like, that’s fine and all, but that doesn’t help me. And it kind of just leads into thoughts about how that, now that I identify as a woman, it’s going to be much, much more difficult to find someone who will want to have sex with me in the first place. Whether the usual way with my current genitals or another way, but I’d much prefer penetrative sex on the female side. Though I guess that won’t happen for an extraordinarily long while. Like, I’m not a good-looking male (not that I really want to be seen as something like that anyway) and I am 100% definitely not a good-looking woman what-so-ever. Hell, I don’t even pass as a woman. So it just makes me annoyed that I’m just going to be a virgin forever or something. Maybe bisexual women won’t mind. But that means I’d have to specifically search them out or something, and that’ll probably get a bit weird, let alone somewhat difficult. And although I’m finding it difficult to express my annoyance in this post, which isn’t actually lessening it as much as I’d like it to, I need places to write things.

[ishouldntbedoingthings]

I just want somewhere to say my thoughts

These past couple of weeks have been really hard. I started a new course for mostly learning how to do barista, but also including bar and cafe service. A “food and beverage service” course, apparently. I have never really had a job. I have had jobs, but not to this extent. This isn’t technically a job, but I’m at the course for basically 9-4 almost every weekday, sometimes starting at 10 and sometimes finishing at 3. It’s very intense for me, who has never worked such hours. I know I’m week. I’ve always been a weak, cowardly person. But, I am doing it. I haven’t given up yet. So I guess that’s something. I don’t know. I almost cried on both the barista classes we had last week on Thursday and Friday because I just kept hating myself for doing bad. And some times people would say something that also triggered a similar response. Nothing bad by itself, but my mind was in a weird place. Now, me feeling really shit and hating myself when I do bad is nothing new. I do that all the time. This is the main reason why I no longer play league of legends as much as I did any more. I know it’s just a game, which is usually meant for having fun. I am stupid, yes, but I understand that much at least. But I just couldn’t get the fucking milk pouring, and I just couldn’t help but hate myself. I had another barista class on Wednesday and hated myself less, and also didn’t almost cry that time, somehow, and made one good milk pour. So some improvement I guess? Who knows.

On the first day on the 19th, I sat at a group of 4 or 6 tables in a square/rectangle, and a girl sat on the corner diagonal to me. Let’s call her A. I can be a technically outgoing person in that I will talk to people. I’m actually not a very sociable person at all, but I like talking to people when I have the chance. And she wasn’t talking to anyone so I had a chance. Another friend who I had met the week before also sat by us because I was the only one she knew. Let’s call her B. Turns out the two of them went to the same school, and even maybe in the same class? Either way, I hung out with them both during the orientation day that we had, and after course, B had to go home so I hung out a bit with A. I can’t quite remember what we did, but we seemed to get along. I mentioned her to my then girlfriend, and I talked really positively about her because she’s really cool. Let’s call this then-girlfriend C. C has jealousy problems, which are most likely my fault. Early in our relationship, or early in when we knew each other, I did some bad shit. Like asking for photos and stuff. It’s no excuse, but I have a very high sex drive, and that was controlling what I was saying at the time, I think. She eventually kind of did, and I have since tried to never look at those again, lest I remember what she did for my shitty self. But then, after I talked to a friend about the weird situation I was in, I started being like “well, I can’t meet you and I have a high sex drive so I want to do sexy stuff with people” and such. See, she’s in another country, and none of us have even close to the money to make it to either one’s country. We once broke up over this reason, but then she didn’t say good night one night, when she usually does. I found out in the morning. Even if we were technically not together in my head, she couldn’t bare it, so we made a kind of deal where she would kind of think of us as being together until I found someone. Or something. So we still said good morning and good night everyday. So when she didn’t, stupid me thought of the worst, which I always do. I’m not a very calm person when it comes to stuff like this. I kept thinking that maybe she had died, and I had literally 0 way of finding out for the most part. I met her originally on Facebook, so I do have access to who’s friends with her. I was planning to message one of her friends as she had a similar name to C’s daughter. Before I sent the message though, C responded finally. Turns out her internet is just often shit, and this was a specific case of that where it hadn’t worked since that night, at least from 9 pm (by my time, as I’m 4 hours ahead of her). I was so worried, and I was crying so many happy tears when she finally responded again. I thought these tears and this worry meant I loved her, and so I asked her to be my girlfriend this time, and I even started telling people that I had a girlfriend because of this. I don’t know what love is. I don’t know if I’ve ever really known it. And if this was love, then that’s great. She was my first girlfriend, as I was never really popular with really anyone when I was in high school, but it’s not like I cared much about my personal hygiene nor how I looked, so that probably didn’t help. But yeah, so we got back together, and it was great for awhile. But lately those same thoughts started coming back, but I kept shaking my head and trying to ignore those thoughts, as I have come to do. So, I started talking about A to C enthusiastically. Like, she was such a cool person to be around for me. And that ignited C’s jealousy. Then all the talk about how being in a long-distance relationship started up again. And we got to talking. And we decided that, it would maybe be best to break up. That was last weekend. Being in a long-distance relationship is probably just not for me. I want to be able to BE with someone. I think. And as my feelings for A grew, when she confessed that she has a crush for a recent addition to our group, let’s call him D (A is bisexual by the way), to me. And to keep it secret, obviously, which I shall try to do. I am not the best at secrets, but as long as D doesn’t ask about it, it should be fine. But, with this, I thought I might as well confess my crush for her. And A is just a great person in general, including just really “yeah that’s fair enough” and just accepting of things. And so thankfully, this isn’t going to ruin our friendship. Which is great. Even if I know nothing can happen, at least right now, I still love hanging out with her. Though I don’t have much hope anything will happen, I don’t know the future. Though, obviously doubts about myself come with rejection. I know that what it most likely is, obviously, that she likes someone else, and A and D have great synergy with their personalities. They make each other laugh, have their own in jokes through snapchat, and app I literally downloaded just to add them. I’m not a very good match for her personality. And that’s fine. I just have to accept it. But, that doesn’t mean it stops the thoughts. Personality is one of the things that affect whether someone gets a crush on someone, but also looks helps. He is quite cute, as she says, and he indeed is. I am very much not. I am trans, and only about 7 and a half months on estrogen. I’m neither a good looking man and CERTAINLY not a good looking woman. Hell you would never think “women��� by seeing my face. So I can understand not being attracted to me that way. But this is probably me overthinking things as well, as it is probably the personality thing, and she does like spending time with him, it seems. Which is fair. I thought it would be weird to start feeling something for someone in such a short time, but she has felt something in an even shorter time, as he came into our group late. So that’s... reassuring? At least for knowing that. Sometimes when I’m trying to go to sleep I see naughty stuff about her, but I try and shake that off again because that’s probably weird, but I don’t know if she isn’t doing that over D as well, and that’s probably not exactly something you ask. I’m a very weird person and like talking about anything, but obviously not everyone does, and although she has said that if I say or ask something that she finds uncomfortable, then she’ll tell me and I’ll stop, but even then I don’t want to lose her as a friend, so I keep hesitating about things. I keep wondering if I’ve been too weird about stuff and that has put her off me. I don’t know. But I should stop. Definitely. Anyway, so, after I did, I felt fine about it. I didn’t feel any different. But I think I started feeling more down about it later on. I’ll probably get over this in the next few days, as it usually doesn’t take me too long to get over things. Let us see anyway. That night, I mentioned it to my ex-girlfriend, and so we talked more about our breakup and how it was pretty real this time, and that was that I guess. But at some point, she sent me some song lyrics. Even if it wasn’t English, just looking up the first word and then reading the first three lines just made me cry, and I couldn’t take it. This is my very first breakup after all. It just makes me so sad that this is ending, but also the lyrics. I won’t be putting them here, partially because translation is a bitch, but also because I still haven’t read passed those first three lines and can’t bear to read the rest right now. Maybe in a few days time, but it’s still probably not best to put them here, where no one will read my words anyway. And so throughout the night I have been crying a bit. My body and/or my emotions, possibly due to my male upbringing, didn’t bring many tears. They did bring some, particularly when I started reading that song, and kind of every time I remember it. Oh well. We’ll see what happens with this in the next few days I guess.

My other problem is my transgenderism. Like, lately it’s been kind of tough. I’ve been especially self-conscious about my voice and my face. Sometimes I’ve just not wanted to talk because of how I sound. And I can’t really look at my face because of how masculine it looks. No one would look at me and say “woman”. But there are other problems, too. Particularly, am I even fucking actually a woman? Am I transgender? Or am I just an overly sexual man who likes the sexual fantasy of being a woman? Me thinking of myself as a woman started near the start of uni. For the last couple years of high school, I got more and more interested in the female body. And the pleasure that they get in orgasms and how that works. I started listening to orgasms on YouTube and other places, what with no smart phone and no computer at home at the time, I believe. Or at least no chance to do such a thing. And of course, I started imagining myself as a female when I masturbate. I may or may not have been doing that earlier in high school, but I don’t know what is real any more as my current thoughts distort my past memories. As I started masturbating like that, at uni, I started thinking more and more that maybe I like thinking of myself as a woman. I worked with that through uni, and there was the transgender day of visibility that I had heard of on March 31st I think it was, and to celebrate it, I decided to come out on Facebook. I thought my kind of bully mum would judge me, so I blocked her from seeing that post. It was around that time that I got the opportunity to leave my mum’s house thanks to a friend making a post in a Facebook group we’re both in. I felt less like I might be judged, as I only kind of knew one of the 4 people there, and so I started looking for skirts and dresses or something, and started wearing them. Looked for makeup and shaved legs and such but found that they weren’t for me. Later that year, I believe, thanks to a work therapist that I was seeing once through a government thing, I got to go see someone about my gender dysphoria, which I did, and that’s what got me on medication. But that doesn’t mean it hasn’t left me wondering like, am I really someone who is ACTUALLY transgender. There is an article a trans man wrote wondering the same thing that I haven’t read yet and it’s late here, so I don’t know his thoughts on it, if only for himself, but I just sometimes don’t feel like I am transgender, for the reasons listed above. Am I really not just oversexualising the female body onto myself? I am liking my changes, even if slow, but I’m still not sure. And I just keep hating myself over it. As well as because of the problems above. And I just keep wanting to die again. Life is a pain in the ass man. I don’t feel that I’m expressing the disdain for myself very well in this paragraph specifically, but oh well. We’ll see what happens in a couple of years anyway, if I’m not dead by then anyway.

[ishouldntbedoingthings]

Hey man I ain’t complaining about balance issues when it comes to Shyvana :D

[6.23] Shyvana changes on PBE! Shyvana got buffed on the PBE! She might be viable again, but does have some balance issues regarding her passive…

[ishouldntbedoingthings]

Shyvana changes aye?

My body is ready.

Also that BORTK buff as well though. I am very, VERY keen for this patch.

Dragonborn..

Shyvana’s new passive is pretty cool.

[ishouldntbedoingthings]

What to do

Here are the current reasons my feable mind can think of why I should kill myself: 

I am stupid. I am a lazy piece of shit. I’m irresponsible. No one should ever trust me. I provide nothing to society. The only direction I have for anything I am good at is research but I am too stupid, mediocre, and lazy to actually be able to do any with any decency. I have never had a job, so I have no experience and so everyone doesn’t want to hire me at all. Because of these, I have no job and am just wittling away as I learn things at uni that will not help me in anyway actually live longer because I’m studying fucking syntax. What good is that? I have also acrued a decent debt because of my student loan, which can’t really get paid off without actually getting money. I have no redeeming qualities, whatsoever. I am annoying as fuck. I am an irritant to everyone around me. I talk too much. I can never get to a point. I get really angry. I bitch about every fucking thing that happens and make sure that everyone around me hears it because I am a selfish cunt. I only care about myself. I am quite the asshole. I only pretend to be nice so that people don’t hate me, which is in itself a selfish act. Everytime I look at girls I hate myself because I am not them, but even then I am not actually transsexual. I am actually a disgusting person who wants to be a girl because everything I read and the moaning I hear makes me envious of the pleasure of an orgasm, which is not necessarily 100% the case in every woman, but I have nonetheless taken this “fact” and used it to accidentally become envious of women for being women and I cannot stop feeling shit about not having a vagina or breasts or wanting to have a child grow in me but all of these feelings are likely fake because of where it originates, whereas real transsexuals have actual feelings that came from somewhere, and have been like that effectively since birth. Because of this, I am detestable, as I have masturbated to naked children before. None performing sexual acts, nor in front of them or anything, but I am nonetheless one of the worst kinds of human being because of it. This is probably the biggest reason of why I should just drop dead. 

No one would ever miss me, anyway. Well, maybe some to a little extent, obviously. But I mean, I am so annoying and I don’t do anything for society. I am literally a waste of space. No matter how you look at it, the world would just be better without me. I have not clearly laid it all out here, and maybe I’ll add some stuff if and when I think about it, but no matter what I definitely should not be on this Earth. 

[ishouldntbedoingthings]

Please watch this video if your sad.

(No kitties were hurt.)

[ishouldntbedoingthings]

They were cursed, wicked, misguided, and violent. Some say the bullets that ended their lives cleansed away the darkness that had already consumed them.

But every life is riddled with much complexity, and they were no exception. Despite this darkness, they have filled their lives with friends, rivals, family, and partners. Death, no matter how sparkly, cannot cleanse away darkness, only spread it. And so, Death may never be beautiful, and it may never be perfect.

[ishouldntbedoingthings]

I want this so bad too but, you know, I don’t happen to have $100 just sitting there. #poorunistudent

I want this so bad but I don’t even think they ship overseas.

[ishouldntbedoingthings]

Weird Dream

I had a really good dream last night. It was a very interesting dream where I seemed to have the power to change into a girl. Pretty much only physically of course, although I do remember not really having that great of breasts, naturally. I remember one part where I was at some sort of beach with other people, running from something, and for some reason I was a quite a bit younger and strangely naked, and for some reason it was itchy. It was really weird, but I did go back for some shorts. That went over pretty quickly, but there was just a whole emphasis on me being able to change into a girl. Pretty much the whole of the dream that I can remember was about it. Naturally, part of the dream was also about buying a vibrator, which was kind of a strange moment. I can't remember too much from that, but I think I was having some sort of trouble. Oh, I remember now, I was trouble finding a place to use it. I was thinking about using some sort of toilets there, but I kept getting worried about the vibrator being loud and others noticing, as I'm often conscious about those sorts of things, but then in this case I'm sure real girls would be. I even remember asking the sales person there specifically for a quiet one, but no matter what I have and what it says it can do, I'm not very trusting of things, so the worry of it making decently audible noise was quite troubling. This was by far one of the weirdest dreams ever, but also just one of the best. However, I was extremely disappointed when I found out that it was a dream when I woke up, and no it wasn't because I never actually used the vibrator I brought.

[ishouldntbedoingthings]

I actually JUST saw this exact same pic on the See More Facebook page.

[ishouldntbedoingthings]

They are all really cute! :) Especially Ricchan! aahhh~

[ishouldntbedoingthings]

This is absolutely brilliant!

Minecraft comic series by 

Alexander Diochon

[ishouldntbedoingthings]

This is so true, and I thought others should know of it, too.

[ishouldntbedoingthings]

bitch please

You got a problem?

[ishouldntbedoingthings]

Aaah~ I love Ricchan, she's so cute.

[ishouldntbedoingthings]

I remember confessing this, hoping it came up the next day or something haha. I'm still glad it got made eventually, though. I'm glad I rechecked it, though. It was just a random thought to check back on it.

- Emma