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[ishwe]

Early August 2023. :

I'm in the process of reassembling my life.

Nothing extreme or severe. Just mentally. I kind of crossed a line of no return and felt I'd have monumental changes by then. That didn't happen. I thought I'd be disappointed by the lack of said monumental changes but- it relieving.

I feel I don't have to question things a lot, playing the game on easy mode a little since I now can anticipate how all the offense occurs... (The offense from offense and defense...not the offensive offense).

Anyway, trying all new things with a lighter heart. With a pace which feels comfortable. Which makes me look at a passing day, very mundane but monumental since I didn't fret and panic much, I could manage to wrap up my office work well, did get a chance to step out, move, and just be thankful about being alive, well-fed, seemingly not having any major concerns, a boring day if you must, but such a lovely day for me.

Oh, I am talking to people too.

Cherishing the time and company, trying not to make big of something which could have upset my over critical mind earlier... Just letting people be, not even in hopes of any return, but just for the fact that it pleases me I can do that to someone... Be an unburdening presence around.

Also, I keep thinking of something I came across on social media recently... About chasing and following on the paths of the infinite goals. A concept of having a goal which needs continuous persistence but, maybe yield some finite achievements too.

I like how it makes me feel calm. I have put away tasks before when they used to have a deadline and would end and maybe the chance to do it better is lost forever, but here, with the infinite goals... Just maybe, it is about playing the game than getting the goal. The goal is a sideline task, but me running, feeling free, getting me and my team ahead, feeling the sweat and wind both on my skin , just in that moment, that zone, that's an infinite goal right there.

Hoping for more inspiration to write. More inspiration to draw, to cherish and talk to people, and to more mundane boring days playing the infinite game all the while.

Good day to you reader,

Thanks for reading this and I hope it brings you some comfort as I feel as I wrote this. :)

#rambling #iwanttowrite #digitaljournal #streamofconsciousness #digitaldiary #brighterside #joyofliving

[ishwe]

This was 1st week Jan 2023:

Downloaded the app to allow my stream of consciousness to flow better...

I feel I'm being played or just I'm an insufferably low self-esteem girl venturing out to date, taking on more than I can chew. No pun intended.

Either way, I am focussing on me, as an individual, choosing to date another human, which by no means, means that I should modulate my personality and existence to accommodate the guy. I'm not talking about being inconsiderate. I'm talking about teaching myself to have a pie chart of my life in front of my eyes everytime I try to revolve my life around another person.

So, what started as a "Project: Dating" began to be an all consuming 24 hours of hyper anxiety and cry fest... With swollen eyes and late replies.

That is what is should have stayed as. A project. A part of a whole. But a part.

Not taking over the whole. Especially the mind. But then I'm one masochistic person finding joy in the sickest of heart burns like these...

Either way, we miniscule existence people need drama from time to time and I'm in the process of trying to make this whole incident that. A small part... An enticing drama.

That is all. Hopefully. Further update on the stream of my consciousness screaming into the void later. I want to write fanfic too . Basically write things... Things that maybe move, provide an epiphany, inspire or just stay with someone when the words aren't in front of them anymore. Someday. Soon. All in good time then I guess.

[ishwe]

My first post yay.

Okay. So here it goes. I realize that there are no perfect planned out routes in anyone's life. let us rephrase that since I'd say re-realise. Heard it a lot before. People have preached that too but now I truly believe that. The lack of planning, the lack of blinders more specifically has worked out tremendously in my favour. It isn't a surprise that I do have trust issue with people and situations around me rising from the lack of preparedness or just plain rough upbringing in early days. (Trust me my family is lovely... Normal... As normal as it can get) I didn't have childhood issues on this front, leaving out a couple of perverse encounters with relatives and that is a different story which I choose to conveniently push under my cluttered space beneath a rug.

It all comes down to this. I need a motive. A purpose. The will arises from there. I would have the motivation and the drive to then strive for it . Fortunately I am not in want of the basic necessities which makes me lucky I think. Fortunate. There are far severe conditions that humans cope with. So, about purpose- I dream of writing. Something that can cheer people up or just tell them to 'hang in there'... or maybe just... a pleasant unbothering companion. Something to glance at when avoiding eye contact. Something to bury your head and heart in. Or simply, something that would make most joyous memories with near loved ones. Tall order. I feel. I want to genuinely write kids' literature. I don't know what when or how but seeing the books my niece reads... I'd be more than happy to do that. So much potential. Such curious minds. I'd love to nourish that. Something from my end. Would feel my doings affect something apart from the material. So there. This year I want to write a book. Manifesting? Maybe. Will try. If I get a breather from work stuff, my procrastination and tonnes of other things I feel I'm obligated to do without that being the case.

That's it for now. Peace. :)