istefanee

[istefanee]

“I’m inlove with the places I’ve never been to and people I’ve never met”

[istefanee]

To the girl who's reading this:

Pretending to be strong is exhausting. Acting like you're okay is draining. Putting up a front like you're fine is tiring. Making it seem like nothing affects you is a lot of work. Keeping everything bottled up takes a lot of effort. Shutting everybody out uses up a lot of energy. I know you. I can see right thru you, and I'm here to tell you that it's alright. It's alright to be weak. It's alright to be vulnerable. It's alright to be hurt. If you have to cry, then cry. It's alright if you cry, and it's alright to be angry. You don't have to try to be invincible. You don't have to try to mask how sad you are. You don't have to try to cover up the pain you're feeling. Don't forget that you're only human, okay? Don't lie to yourself and be in denial that everything's alright with you when everything's actually wrong and it's only getting worse by the day. Ignoring what's wrong isn't going to make it go away. Avoiding what's wrong isn't going to fix anything. What you need to do, is just deal with what's wrong because that's the only way you'll be able to properly find closure and get past it. Don't be afraid to let it all out because if you don't, you'll slowly lose yourself and you aren't gonna like who you become. You're stronger than you realize, and I can only hope that this makes you feel a little bit bette because I know, this is what you needed.

[istefanee]

To anyone who doesn't feel like themselves anymore

Do you remember the person you were before the world forced you to be someone else? You're desperately wanting to get back to the person you use to be but somehow it feels unreachable. You feel like they are too far gone. You believe you lost them completely. You were so carefree and now you feel like you're always on edge. You were outspoken and now you feel like you have to hold your tongue. You could wear anything you wanted without being criticised for it. You could believe in what you wanted but now you're judged for thinking differently. Gradually, you feel like the part of you, you loved and created died... and who you are now is just an imposter. You have to put on a fake smile, be apart of fake friendships, and be what the world wants you to be. Before, you use to do things differently, you use to feel differently, you use to be different. It was a gradual change. You barely noticed it until one day you said or did something and you thought to yourself, this isn't me. You have expectations to live up to now. You have people looking up to you. You have to be perfect and never let anyone see you fail. Maybe someone changed you, or someone's constant criticism or judgement changed you. Maybe it was a relationship? Relationships do change us but in a way of where we are more ourselves than, than something we are not. Maybe you don't want to admit that the person you're with has created you to be the version they wanted, and you let them because you're so in love with them. Know this, love does not require you to be anything other than who you are. If you feel like you have to be someone you're not, this isn't love. Love frees us to be the person we know to our core. Remember this: There is a part of yourself that is always changing and growing. There is also a part of yourself that you hold on to because that makes you who you are. The person who is growing starts to see things differently than before because something in the changed. They gained a new perspective, they gained new understanding, they changed their ideas and their thoughts, willingly. Not by the notions of others. Growing does not mean losing the person you've always been. There is something deep down inside the core of who you are that only ourselves know intimately. At times you can't always be the person you feel down to your core. Simply, because you don't have the means or the understanding to get there. One day, I assure you, you will reach that potential. It doesn't mean that part of us will ever die as we grow older, It just means we haven't got there yet. Be patient. It will come. Let go of anything or anyone that is not making you better, holding you back from your potential, or telling you that the person you've always known and loved isn't enough. You are free to love yourself, every detail, every flaw, everything because it makes you, you.

[istefanee]

I am too full of life to be Half-loved

You screwed up. I gave you my heart and trusted you to take care of me and protect me, but you didn't. It's such a disappointment when you defend someone for so long thinking they're different and they turn out to be just like what everyone said. I thought there was something romantic about fighting for someone, but there's nothing nice about having to continuously convince someone to love you. You put me through hell, and I called it love. You consumed my entire being, and that's why I let you treat me the way you did. I waited for you. I gave you chance after chance and left you with everything I had, and you just took it all without a care in the world. There's a difference between someone who wants you and someone who would do anything to keep you. If I have to beg for your attention, then I don't even want it. I cared too much and you didn't care enough and that was the problem. I acted like it wasn't a big deal, when really it was killing me inside. I'd rather have nobody than someone who is half there, or doesn't want to be there at all. Not everything is supposed to become something beautiful and long-lasting. Some people come into your life to show you what is right and what is wrong, to show you who you can be, to teach you to love yourself. My biggest mistake wasn't falling for you, it was thinking you'd fallen for me too. I think the greatest thing you ever taught me, is that you can give so much of yourself to someone, and it still won't be enough. You might still like me. You probably do. You probably don't know what you want. You probably still think about me all the time, but that isn't what matters. What matters is that you're not doing anything about it. I won't be fooled by your charm, you don't know how to love. I want someone who goes out of their way to make it obvious that they want me in their life. It's like part of me wants you, but another part of me knows I'm better off without you. You only want me when its convenient for you, and I'm too full of life to be half loved. I see clearly now that if you genuinely wanted to give me your time and affection, then you wouldn't make me beg or bleed for it. You're going to miss me and when you do, you'll realize you only have yourself to blame. I hope you see me so fucking happy that I look like I'm about to explode, and I hope it hurts. I gave you my all and kept fighting long after I should have stopped. So you can have your ordinary love. I want a love that will burn my lips and engulf my soul. I want to drown in passion and be ravished every night. I want someone who will kiss me like its the only thing keeping him alive. I'm worth it. Always have been and always will be. Maybe we'll meet again when we are a bit older and our minds less hectic, you'll be right for me and I'll be right for you. But right now, I am turmoil to your thoughts and you are poison to my heart.

[istefanee]

Life is like a book. Those who don't travel and enjoy life read only one page.

[istefanee]

What to expect when you fall for the Girl who's used to never needing anyone

This one is going to be different. I can promise you that. But I can also promise that you won’t ever be uninspired or bored - this is the girl who will change you, she won’t ever take your shit, and you’ll be a better man because of it. She comes across as a paradoxical mix of outgoing but introverted, very social but seldom out. When you’re so used to not needing anyone, you know exactly who you are, and she’ll never fake anything because of it. This makes maintaining relationships a constant struggle for her. She’ll connect with many, and they’ll quickly feel comfortable with her, but it takes her a while to feel fully comfortable, so she can only take being around others incrementally. This might frustrate you. There seem to be so many walls to break down. Just when you start to feel like you’re figuring her out - you find another piece to the puzzle that throws everything off. Be patient. She’s this tough because she had to be. Something happened that taught her to never need anyone. Someone she needed left before she was done needing them. But none of this will spill out easily. She’s extremely uncomfortable with other people seeing her vulnerable or in pain. Her emotions and pain are hers, and this is what she’s used to. She’ll tell herself she doesn’t need you. She’ll make situations worse by trying to suppress her feelings about them. When you fall for the girl who’s used to not needing anyone, believe that she has more feelings and layers than she knows what to do with. Her instinct will be to try to compose herself. When she does open up to you, it’s everything. Being emotionally naked with someone is how she expresses her love. She’ll know exactly who she is and what she wants. When you’re used to not needing anyone, you do what you want, when you want, and without asking permission or informing anyone. She loves this part of her identity, but she secretly wants you to confront her. She’s hoping that sometimes, you’ll put your foot down, and challenge her stubborn ways. She’s strong, maybe even too strong for you at first. Don’t let this fool you. This is her outer shell. Her armor. She is so used to taking care of herself that it's going to be hard for her to let someone else in. It took a lot of work to get to where she is: Independent, taking no shit and being happy on her own. She's afraid to let you in because she's afraid of what will happen if you might leave. I can promise you it won’t be easy, she’ll hang on to her walls for as long as she can. She will be enigmatic. She will always want things her way, and she’ll fight you when she doesn’t get it. She’ll even try to push you away. This is how she protects herself. But when you really get to know her, she’ll be the girl who will change your life. Don’t always give in to her, but be patient with her. She’s strong, but she’s also scared - scared of love, scared of needing someone, and definitely scared of you. Because even if she says she doesn’t need you, at her core she is just a girl who has more love than she knows what to do with.

[istefanee]

See the line where the sky meets the sea? It calls me .. and no one knows, how far it goes.

[istefanee]

"PEACE" Paren kahit naging #teamlabas na ✌ #upfair2017 #sabayanangbeat #roots #saturdayrak #rakrakansaup #upfair #bands #bentatix 😂 (at UP Sunken Garden)

[istefanee]

I looked at the clock and now it’s 6:09 in the morning. Woah. I never thought that I could stay up all night just to think about you Do you … Did ever think about me? Even once? Twice?

I wish you could do the same for me.

[istefanee]

Have you ever been so happy with someone?

Someone that you’ve always been together with; travel on far places, eating lots of foods on almost all fast food/food parks/restaurants, calls each other from time to time, watch cinema just the two of you, exchanging good mornings and goodnight everyday, tells about each other secrets, past and everything about yourself, hold hands .. So many things you both do that you lost count. 

Admit it.

You have this thought in your mind that you both shared the same feeling. That you and him will end up together.

Of course! What was the purpose of everything that you have been doing for the past months? Years?

But then one day, your world fell apart.

It is indeed true that never expect unless it is stated. 

You build a world that you thought there was you and him. No, only you was there on that imaginary world.

All the things that you both do on the past was all part of being in friendship.

Yes. You were his best friend. How ironic to do things that only people who are in a relationships do. 

Was it your fault? Because you assumed things the way it should be?

Was it his fault? For doing things that  make you feel that way?

No. Both of you do wrong.

You should have ask him. You should have courage to asked what are you to him so then you won’t assume and put yourself in pain.

He should clear things up. He should informed you what exactly you are to him.

So it won’t end in a painful way.

Don’t worry.

You don’t need to hurry yourself to heal your broken part. Healing takes time.

And one day, you’ll find yourself smiling again like everything that was happened in the past was just a sad beautiful ending of one chapter of your life. 

[istefanee]

You Don’t Deserve Someone Who Comes Back, You Deserve Someone Who Never Leaves

I used to wonder about people coming back after they’ve decided to leave. I used to wait for the day they come back and realize that they messed up or realize that life is miserable without me. But then I realized that better than all this mess is someone who never leaves.

Someone who never leaves when you hit bumps in the road, someone who never leaves when the rain starts falling down on you, someone who never leaves no matter how many other people are trying to get their attention, someone who chooses to stay every single day.

You deserve someone who never leaves when you tell them about the things you did that you’re ashamed of and the things that happened to you that you promised not to tell anyone. When you tell them about the things you really don’t like about yourself and the things you hated about your past. You deserve someone who never leaves no matter how dark it gets.

You deserve someone who never leaves when you tell them how much you love them, how much you really want to make them happy and how they make you feel something no else made you feel before. How they are special to you and how you really just want to spend your days looking at them and spend your nights sleeping in their arms.

You deserve someone who stays no matter how passionately you display your love and how fearlessly you show your emotions. You deserve someone who is not afraid of the way you love them. You deserve someone who never leaves even if they found a better job or made more money or bought a fancier car. Someone who never leaves when they’re at their best, when they can get anyone they want but still choose you, when they don’t even care about exploring all these other ‘options’ to realize your worth because they know what they have and they know that you are one of a kind. You deserve someone who makes you believe that some people can stay.

You deserve someone who never leaves when things are not that exciting, when life becomes overwhelming for you to handle, when you are tired all the time, when you’re lost and confused and don’t know what to do next, when you keep doubting yourself and your capabilities. You deserve someone who reminds you of how you survived, someone who reminds you of your strength, someone who reminds you of your greatness and someone who reminds you that even though you can make it on your own, they want to be there, they don’t want you to be alone this time and they want to fight your battles with you.

Even though we all have that one person we wish could come back, what we really should wish for is someone who never leaves. Someone who left before could leave again but someone who could’ve left but decided to stay is exactly the kind of person you need to be with – is exactly the kind of person you deserve to be with.

[istefanee]

The Ugly Truth About Being His Second Choice

There are nights I wonder if you will ever have the courage to choose me. If there will be a day that I will have you all by myself, a time you can love me wholeheartedly, no excuses, no reasons. Just you and me unapologetically in love. I wonder if you will entirely erase her, for me. I wonder if there will come a point where you will make long term plans with me, when you will finally commit to me utterly. A time when you will have no other options, just me.

However, we both know that’s never going to happen. That’s bullshit. I want this to be honest and raw. So here goes nothing.

I’m sorry for how things went down. Maybe it hurts you as much as it hurts me or maybe it hurts me even more. But know that I did this for myself, for once I know I’m doing something that my future self will thank me for. I know for a fact that this will benefit me in the coming days no matter how tortuous this is right now.

You know I have to end it; we have to end whatever this is. Whatever were doing, we need to quit it. No matter how you turn things around, we both know I’m on the losing end. I will attain more scars than you, I will have to mend more wounds than you. No matter how hard we try, how strong we fight, I will always be the inflicted one.

You cannot imagine how difficult this is for me, but I owe it to myself to at least save myself from further pain. The ugly truth is, I will always be your second choice. I will always be the girl who will come after her. I will always be the girl who will be left behind, the girl crying in her bedroom trying to figure out where I fall short, where I was wrong, why I was less than enough, why I wasn’t the first choice.

I will always be the girl whom you will love, but never fully. The girl you will care about, but not more than her. The girl who will do her best, but still wasn’t the best, not for you. I will always be the girl you’ll call after her, when she’s not picking up, when she’s too busy. I will always be your backup plan, when things didn’t work perfectly with her. I will always be your safety net, because you know I won’t leave. You know I’m constantly here waiting for you, that’s how much power you have over me.

And honestly, I should have realized that long time ago. That I wasn’t really first, that I’m always next to her.

You were hers first and maybe always will be.

So today, I’m doing myself a big favor. I’m choosing myself. I’m putting myself before you.

Thank you for always making me feel like I’m not worth it. For treating me like a disposable material that you can leave and come back to whenever you feel like it, whenever it is convenient for you. Thank you for never saying sorry and never making me feel like I deserve an apology, like I never deserve you conquering your pride and ego for me. Thank you for leaving me the burden to always be the one to figure out solutions and the mature one to come around and beg for your forgiveness. Thank you for making me feel like I should adjust my whole life to fit yours, to fit you.

Because if not for all of this, I wouldn’t have realized who I am and how I deserve so much better than you.

So I’ll stop waiting. I’ll stop hoping. I’ll stop making myself believe in ideas and happy endings I always write for myself. Because I know the harsh reality — I will never be your first choice. And though you were my greatest love, the love I will never regret, the love I will always come back to, the love I will always choose, I will never be your person. I will never be the one you’ll choose.

You were my greatest love, but that doesn’t equate a happy ending. Sometimes great loves become great loves because they teach us great lessons and what you taught me was the greatest of them all.

[istefanee]

She's Not Stupid

Here’s a secret about the girl who texts you every morning. The girl who keeps trying to set a time to hang out with you. The girl who likes all your Instagram photos and messages you on Snapchat, even though you’ve already hurt her countless times.

That girl isn’t oblivious. She’s not gullible. She’s not a pushover. And she’s certainly not stupid.

She doesn’t believe your excuses. She’ll play along when you tell her that your phone battery died, because she doesn’t want to call you out on such an obvious lie, but you’re not pulling one over on her. You’re not as smart as you think you are.

She sees right through you. She knows what you’re doing. But she keeps sticking around — not because she’s desperate or hopelessly devoted to you — but because she wants to give you a chance.

She realizes that the odds are you’re going to be another boy in the long line that hurt her. But what if you’re not? What if you’re different? What if you’re the one?

She’s giving you the opportunity to be something else. To be a boy that’s actually worth her time and effort.

So don’t think you can take advantage of her. Don’t think that getting away with ignoring her messages once or twice means that you can do anything to her and she’ll stay by your side.

You don’t realize it, but she’s on the verge of walking away. Of giving up on you. But, lucky for you, she has a huge heart. She believes in second chances. So don’t waste yours.

Show her that you’re not the kind of boy that’s going to string her along for weeks — to flirt with her and fuck her — and then disappear. That you’re not the kind of boy that’s going to change your mind, again and again and again, because you have no idea what you want and are only experimenting with her.

Because, if you do that, she’ll realize what’s happening. She’s not stupid. She’s a sweetheart. But if you take advantage of that, she can be a real bitch.

If you keep treating her like trash, then she’s going to walk away without taking a glance back. She’ll delete your number from her phone. Unfriend you on social media. Refuse to mention your name in conversation. You’ll be nothing to her. Not even a speck in the back of her mind.

She won’t regret leaving you — not for a single second — because she gave you enough chances. She gave you enough of her time.

And when you realize your mistake, when you call her up at two in the morning with tequila swishing through your stomach, she’ll be long gone. She won’t even think about answering the phone, because she won’t know that the number belongs to you.

Even if she did know, she wouldn’t answer. She’d let it go to voicemail and then delete the message before hearing a minute of your voice.

Because she’s not stupid. She’s not going to pine over you for months. She’s going to move her ass on and find someone she deserves.

[istefanee]

SECOND BEST

He chose her. They always do I’m left behind in a world of pain that I should be used to But I’m not. And I try hard To wear the face of feeling nothing But I fall short When my eyes are saying something hurt Something hurt.

I’ve been strung along Sometimes getting hurt doesn’t make you strong I think it’s time to give it a rest. Because I’m so tired of always being SECOND BEST.

I draw the line When you say it’s not your fault, it’s mine That’s a lie. Because you chose this And you chose HER. We never even talk about it You never even think about it, at all

One night you and me and one kiss I never got to show you what you’d missed One night you and me and one kiss And you left with her Now I’m left feeling like this

#sadpoem #secondbest #pain #hatred #agony #kindahappyandsad

[istefanee]

She smiled at the stars like they knew all her secrets #filtered #selfie #filteredaf #filteredselfie 😂 (at Pasig, Philippines)

[istefanee]

Some days I wish I could go back in life. Not to change anything, but to feel a few things twice.

#AlmaMater #Schooldays #Emptied #Reminiscing