istherehopeforthemad - Tumblr blog

istherehopeforthemad · 7 years ago

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I can’t quite explain my feelings so I write

I have felt this way for as long as I can remember, but at first it just started as some sort of eating disorder where I thought I was the fattest person in the whole planet, I felt even bigger than the planet, but it has become much more complex. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Maybe I already know that I have severe depression and anxiety, but I don’t want to. I am not trying to be sad, I am trying. I really am. I spend money to try to make myself happy and change my hair and put makeup on all of the time and it just DOESNT SEEM TO WORK. I don’t seem to feel at all. I tried reading a book about a girl who had, and may still have depression, and it only “triggered” me further (I hate how mainstream that word has become). I dont think I can ever feel again. I am at that point where I question myself about being happy. Like when I am with my friends and I am having a good time and laughing, I think “Is this what happiness looks like for me? No feeling but emotion being shown? No real, true laughter exploding from within me? I dont understand. Maybe I never will. I have tried therapy and pills (prescribed to me), and they dont seem to help. I have tried to boost my confidence and I just can’t. I don’t understand. I WANT TO BE HAPPY SO BAD I COULD SELL MY SOUL (not really devil please dont read this and think I will because I wont. My soul is the only thing making me have hope okay). I used to really enjoy making myself get all dolled up just to look in the mirror and say “DAYYYYUM YOURE A BAD BITCH”, but I don’t get that anymore, at least not recently. I used to dream about having my own car and having the windows rolled down and jamming to some bops, but now, I have my own car, and I keep the windows rolled down to allow the smoke from my vape to exit the car so my parents wont yell at me for foggy windows. And now, music just sounds like noise. Sure, I will find a fricken jammin song every now and then and play it on repeat for about an hour, but after that hour, it goes into the library with the rest of my songs and is only played on shuffle or when I am sick of listening to music and feel the need to play anything. I know this is long and wow here I go. I ALWAYS say sorry or feel bad for what I say or do, even if its not a bad thing. I can’t seem to help it. Currently, I feel sick to my stomach (I change topics hella fast so be ready) and it’s because I am so fuckin hungry, but I am telling myself that I am not and that I cant be because its late as fuk and, I CANT GAIN WEIGHT HELL TO THE NO CHEERIOS. I hate it. I hate caring what people think or say. I hate caring about shit that doesnt matter. I hate that I say the word hate when I hate nothing. I love everyone and everything in the world, even myself (this is not a self hate post to clarify, even if it sounds like it is, idk maybe it is, idk anymore), but I dont like the way people are treated and ugh. I just hate how depression is a “thing” and people think that if they snap their fingers all of the pain and sadness and anger and numbness and anxiety and hurt will go away. It doesnt, at least not for me.. On the bright side, I love movies. They make my soul and heart SO HAPPY. If I could sit in a theater forever I would. Maybe I should become a movie critic.

New dream job: Become a movie critic and eat free pizza and mac n cheese plzzz (Kraft only).

I don’t even know what I want to do for my future. I always felt that I was destined for something big, but I believe that is my 6 year old, want to be princess and singer, self talking. I’ve always wanted to become anything and everything. EVEN AN EXPLORER WOAH. I literally never go outside... except for when I do and I kind of sort of enjoy it

I wish I had hobbies, or even A hobby. I have none. Maybe writing can become a new one. Even if nobody ever reads this, I can make this something that I share with me, myself, and I to keep forever (or until tumblr shuts down in the year 2300 because it was abused by generation Z) jk) maybe).

I totally just looked up millenials to see if it was the right word to use in that sentence and it wasnt so I changed it. Thats the other thing. I feel like I have to prove that I am smart because I feel like I am not. At least not in schoolish types of things. My mind races a million miles a minute so I change topics easily. Just let it happen. Please.

I always wish and hope and comment that I would like to be rich so that I can help others and be a good person. Which, yes, I can be a good person and help others without money, but I feel that my stress would go away and I would be happy. Although, I know many people would disagree, I dont care. That sounded mean and confident wow. Not at all how I wanted it to come off. It felt kinda good though.

I have a friend named G. I feel like she doesnt understand me. I get lonely when im alone, and irritated to be with people when I am not alone. She is normal. She has no depression. NOT ONE DROP OF DEPRESSION RAIN FALLING ONTO HER. I wonder what that is like.

I could type forever.

Do you ever wonder what would happen if you died?

WOOOOOW that turned dark VERY quickly. I am not going to kill myself, so all of my zero readers, dont fret. I am only wondering.

If anyone does read this, please know that although I am a sad soul, I am caring and kind and would be intruiged to read any comments or messages to brighten my day, or visa versa. I want to make others happy and motivated, even if I cannot do that for myself. Maybe it will make me happy to help others without paying for a meal that they cant afford and being that awkward stranger that offers to pay because I have a job and can and I dont know their lives at home.

I miss J. This guy i think that I like?? I am unsure. Again, no emotions to shine in on this predicament. HMMMM

SOMEONE READ THIS AND LET ME HELP YOU BE HAPPY SO I CAN LIVE THROUGH YOU>

Unless you dont wanna read this... thats cool too!!!!

Anyways... i am gonna reblog some things so my blog isnt naked like a newborn shooting outta their moms wonder hole.

EW IM GROSS

Please please be safe and happy my zero readers. I hope everyone gets food and water and stays sane. You are wonderful

goodnight

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