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Sword Art Online Alternative: Gun Gale Online - Episode 12

Well today’s all over the fucking place. Let’s get this done and play some Smash. It’s Sword Art Online Alternative: Gun Gale Online, episode 12! Here we GO!

-Opening!

-Episode 12! “Applause”

-We begin right where we left off, with Pito and LLENN staring each other down. Pito’s thrilled, giddy, riding a wild high of a match with life and death on the line. LLENN tries to get real answers out of Pito, to hear her version of the story…And you know, death games are stupid bullshit, right? LLENN won’t even touch fantasy games after the SAO Incident from that super fucking garbage game ruining their whole reputation!

-So Pito cracks AND LLENN IS ON HER LIKE SONIC ON A FURRY SITE! SLASH TO THE THIGH, REVERSE, STRIKE TO THE NECK!

-Pito’s photon sword hits the water before she can even do more than snap it on, and she just PUNCHES LLENN right in the jaw, knocking the rabbit flying across the water! Pito’s down to 20% in that single exchange, and she’s pissed at herself…Then, she grabs P-chan the second, still having some life in it. Is this the end…?!

-No! Look, LLENN! Look close! No Bullet Line…P-chan’s firing mechanism is broken. Indeed, when Pito tries to fire, P-chan explodes in her hands, as she gives herself to save LLENN! The honor of the gun…We will remember you, P-chan!

-LLENN moves in on sheer instinct, Pito blinded by the flash and flame, and goes for the final strike…Only for Pito to catch her on sheer instincts, and knock her back! P-chan shatters, as Pito hauls LLENN up into the air, and even catches LLENN’s desperation play of a thrown knife…But Pito doesn’t want it. She calls M over, who’s managed to catch and bind Fukaziroh, and wants to borrow a gun to do this right…

-He tosses her his typical pistol, which she first aims at them…And fires twice, into M’s cheeks?! She knew he was a traitor. He played her, trying to put her in a position where she’d lose to LLENN…Any last words, M?

-He loves you. He has from the start. She knew. But love has no place on a battlefield. And she fires, right between the eyes. You are so fucked up, Pito! As a geyser erupts, she sings in German, and Pito gets her attention…Just long enough for Fukaziroh to to free herself with her hair knife! She charges in fast, Pito desperately putting LLENN in the way…

-JUST DO IT, FUKA! CUT AND KICK!

-Fuka cuts without hesitation! LLENN’s hands come off in a flash, and a boot sends her flying into Pito, where she bites down onto Pito’s throat with all the force of a crocodile! She bites, and rages, and tears into Pito’s flesh, seeking nothing less than her total end! But no, you won’t die…This is a game you stupid idiot! This is for FUN! So lose. Survive. And honor the promise they made, to meet in real life, you jackass. …You got it. And then she bites down again, taking that last hit point, as everyone just stares at the feed…

-And finally, the death flag pops up. Pito’s down. It’s over—

-A HAIL OF GUNFIRE RAGES, and T-S blasts LLENN and Fukaziroh to the ground, ending them before a single reaction can happen. …The audience reaction is not nearly as positive as it was the last time a Squad Jam ended.

-In the aftermath, Karen treats the gymnastics club to sweets and tea to thank them so thoroughly for their hard work and help. And they knew it was her birthday, so they got her something, too!

-A simple, but beautiful necklace, a representation of their connection. They will always be friends, both in this world and GGO, Karen.

-Of course, then there’s the issue of Pito…Cut to Karen and Miyu arriving at the airport, and joined by Goushi. Who Miyu is down with. She can make this sugar daddy thing work with you IRL too! Sadly, he solely loves the woman behind Pito. …Dammit.

-But, okay, into the car, time to drive to meet Pito. So what’s she like in real life? …You’ll see when you meet her. Though he can tell how things started. It might help. So he passes over his phone, which has an old selfie…He used to be chunky, real chunky. He’d always been big, and lacked self-confidence…When he met Pito, he fell in love immediately. And he wanted to be good enough for her. Wanted to be worthy of her.

-He was just another follower. When she confronted him…He ended up bound, tied, and blackmailed. It started with her essentially enslaving him…But in there, he found himself. Found a way to strive to be better for her.

-Karen quietly realizes that the M in his screen name comes from BDSM. Our boy’s a masochist.

-So that was life. And in time, it became happiness…Until the SAO Incident. When Pito’s obsession tipped to the edge.

-And they get to…Elsa Kanzaki’s secret concert at a local club! Pito owns this club. She helped forge Elsa’s fame. And Miyu is so very giddy, as they step on in. All is black and dark…And there, on the stage, is Elsa, clinging to an acoustic guitar. She sings, and plays, and pours out her heart…I mean, I think she does, we don’t got no song subs. I’m assuming this is a good and heartfelt song, though! I bet it contains lots of important story beats!

-Yeah, I can only imagine what we’d be learning about Elsa if we could understand a word she’s saying.

-It would change the world.

-Yep.

-Oh hey I get to understand the story again. As we meet one Satou Rei…And Karen steps right past to praise Elsa, who’s nervously in the corner. Because Karen’s realized the gambit they’re playing. Rei isn’t Pito…Elsa is. …Explain how you figured it out!

-One, Goushi got them here right before your performance. So close they had to come in via the side and not even find seats. If it had been even a few minutes before, they could have sat with Rei, if she was the real Pito. And then they came to your dressing room, not Rei’s office. Which meant it was for a reason. And the simplest one, was so you could see the situation and watch how they reacted.

-And then the second…Was how Goushi found her. How could he have put it together? …Her fan letter. The first time she connected Karen to LLENN for anyone except Miyu, and the only time once you rule out SHINC. The only person who would have known, would have been Elsa…Or, well, possibly Goushi, considering how famous you are.

-If Rei had been your manager, well, that might’ve actually worked. But a club owner wouldn’t have reason to have all the dots to connect. And Rei’s off to continue her actual work, letting them have their moment.

-When Karen hugs Elsa immediately, holding her tight. And she finally lets out all the tears, all the worry and fear and despair she felt about the possibility of losing a precious friend. Which Elsa responds to be kissing her. She might just keep you, too. Maybe she’ll come to your place and they can play, she could stay overnight…Karen has a panic.

-Credits!

-Aftercredits! Pito and LLENN are hanging out in the battlefield, and Pito wants to hang out in real life. No! You have a concert coming up! Goushi was upset that you were playing games instead of practicing, you know! You need to take better care of him, to say nothing of your job! How cruel, LLENN. …But the game is fun, isn’t it? It is. And Pito’s managed to overcome her shit, in the time since their meeting. She’s gotten help, she’s seen the value of life again. Even if she’s still pretty brutal in battle. …Maybe. But she never expected to see someone be even more ferocious than her.

-Really? Who?

-…Are you fucking serious you little murder bunny. Oh shit the trap went off TIME FOR A BLOODBATH MOVE MOVE MOVE!

Well, that’s about what I expected for the twist. Though the parts where Elsa and Goushi have a BDSM relationship so rough it could be hastily edited and published as a separate property was certainly a surprise.

And overall, a good show! I won’t lie, I’m curious if there’s more material, or if this was anime-original with no light novel or whatever to adapt…Or, I suppose, if it was a limited run that the anime covered the entirety of, but that sounds impossible.

So, what’s next? You know what, after all the games and fun, I think it’s time we did something a little more…Educational, what do you say? Wait for it!

[italicwatches]

Sword Art Online Alternative: Gun Gale Online - Episode 11

Okay, I am not quite at 100%, but I am in the 85-95% range so I can do this. It’s Sword Art Online Alternative: Gun Gale Online, episode 11! Here we GO!

-So PREVIOUSLY ON GGO, damn near the whole team of MMTM got their asses beat. And Pito revealed her true nature as one of the Sith.

-PRESENTLY ON GGO, there’s two bastards left, and Pito’s got herself a shield. A shot managers to get past, hitting her helmet, but she doesn’t even care as she slams both men into the wall and brings down her sword…

-As barely caught by one of them….But Pito’s not just a Sith. She’s Darth Maul, as she pops the under blade nice and slow, letting them suffer while it extends through them! And then she just laughs and laughs, because she has…Issues.

-When it’s all over, LLENN saw it all, and Pito took down all six…That’s what she’s going up against? This suddenly feels a lot scarier than it did five minutes ago.

-Opening!

-LLENN actually totally dozed off and had a nightmare. Cut back to the bar, where there’s four teams left….LF, SHINC, PM4, and T-S way off at the edge. And Anna’s getting drunk in the bar, wishing she could be there for her team.

-So back with LLENN, she’s trying to put together some kind of plan…When Eva comes over the comms and calls for a FULL CHARGE! Wait wait wait! Too slow, LLENN! Oh fuck me. And then Fukaziroh decides to get in there herself, because if charging is what the others redoing, their best chance is to go all in! Also…She…Left one of her launchers, and even tied LLENN’s shoe to it.

-Because their plan is, simply to clear the field. To set things up for a duel. And to give LLENN the time she needs to calm the hell down and focus.

-M’s locked himself into position along with Pito, and they’ve got a pair of rifles. Pito’s taken charge, and they’re trying to figure out the plan here…But with no better options, Pito calls for a full wipe. Start taking them down.

-A shot glances off of Fukaziroh’s helmet, knocking her down…But she’s not done. M managed to drop one of team SHINC hard, and then another….It’s just Tanya and Eva, as they pour the fire on to keep attention on them! Tanya goes down smiling, for a glorious end and a noble effort are well worth it…

-And M curls his hand on the trigger, gives Eva a chance to face him proper. He put together their plan…And while she counterattacks, he holds his own, dropping her with a pair of shots! Bacon the bar, the others see it all came together…

-Then it’s back to LLENN being pretty damn pissed off. And Fukaziroh loses her feet, forced to crawl and crawl with stubborn will…While M analyzes that he can only assume that LLENN is on the move, trying to come in to a blind spot, and this is all one big distraction…

-Fukaziroh loses her hand to another shot, and Pito takes off her other arm, leaving her locked down for a full two minutes…But while she’s alive, she gives LLENN a final message. You can do this. You’ve got to do this. Charge in hard and make it count, girl!

-LLENN can only rage at how her plans and intents fell apart one after the other, at how the deck got so stacked against her…Fuck it, FUCK IT TO HELL AND BACK! Pito’s not, her, fucking, problem! She doesn’t have to do some perfect god damned plan to get that one honorable kill that makes Pito honor some shit agreement from months ago! She just has to fight, and try to WIN!

-So with nothing left, she just charges in all alone…

-But, no.

-She’s not alone.

-She has P-chan, daughter of P-chan! For the honor of her mother’s memory, and for the glory of the kill, she will stand by you until the end, LLENN! FULL CHARGE!

-Back at the bar, everyone watches…Because they know. When LLENN is pushed this far? When she’s running on nothing but instincts and bravado?

-That’s when the little rabbit is at her best.

-Episode 11! “Psycho LLENN”

-Back at the cabin, M and Pito see LLENN, and are so very eager, as….Wait, is she running in the wrong direction?! Fuck this, they’re moving! What about Fukaziroh? SHE CAN WAIT. M eats a punch to the gut, and how are they going to catch her? They’re gonna steal one of them jeeps!

-And indeed, soon they’re locked onto LLENN, and Pito wants M to drive closer! She wants to hit LLENN with her sword!

-But LLENN’s able to push herself to the brink, forcing the fight to a low cliffside…Pito carves her turret shield apart, and forces a full clash…But LLENN dives at the last second, right under the jeep, peppering it with gunfire! She keeps their attention on them for that precious split second, enough to trick M into not braking soon enough! That jeep goes flying off the edge and into the lake, giving LLENN…

-Enough time to see that it’s too shallow to actually drop the jeep. Wellllll shit. Okay, plan B! The jeep comes right for her again…But LLENN leaps over it, firing down into the turret opening! Somehow, no shots do more than glance the pair, and Pito pops up with a heavy machine gun! LLENN’s forced to run, bullets glancing her and spilling red…

-But no flag. She’s still alive, as she lays in the shallow water. LLENN’s draining HP slowly but surely, and sidenote Fukaziroh has her HP back according to LLENN’s HUD, as Pito lines up the kill shot…M offers to get her closer, but nope. Pito finds LLENN downright scary up close. That rabbit is fuckin’ powerful.

-P-chan tries to rally LLENN, but she’s in despair, feeling she’s done…When she hears Fukaziroh?! If you’re still alive, cry out, girl! IT’S NOT DONE YET!

-As M starts driving closer, LLENN starts firing into the sky…Marking her position for Fukaziroh! Grenades come in hard, and in the smoke and confusion, Pito has to face Fukaziroh in another jeep…Who swings in close! Yo, hot stuff, want a ride?

-Drive hard and fast, Fuka! That’s the only way Fukaziroh rolls! Pito’s forced to chase after them, as they clash again and again…Pito keeps flinging grenades at them, but Fukaziroh’s good enough to keep dodging them, as LLENN pops up to belt gunfire at her, enough to even catch a grenade in midair and force Pito and M back…

-But this area’s not just a lake. It’s a hot springs, full of geysers! It’s nature’s motherfucking minefield! They’ve got no options…And both jeeps are running out of gas! Fine, fuck it! With its last dying breath… RAMMING SPEED!

-Both keeps clash side to side, spiraling out of control…Pito hits the ground on her feet, but LLENN’s already sprinting for her! Pito gets the pistols out, and LLENN’s forced to turn P-chan into a shield for the second Squad Jam in a row, charging in as the damage stacks up and BOOTING PITO IN THE FUCKING HEAD! A single roundhouse takes her pistols to the side, and both women stare each other down, as it’s nothing but blades and grit…

-Credits!

OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT

[italicwatches]

Sword Art Online Alternative: Gun Gale Online - Episode 10

Okay, I think my system has settled enough to get to work. It’s Sword Art Online Alternative: Gun Gale Online, episode 10! Here we GO!

-So LLENN is trying to get back to the mags, and Fukaziroh has to be the voice of reason. Fukaziroh. A Bullet Line centers on LLENN’s fucking skull, and is this the—

-Gunfire peppers off from another direction, and the Line swings away. She’s got a moment. She’s got confusion. She can use confusion! Fuka, suppressive booms, NOW. Out goes the spread, helping force team Memento Mori’s retreat…

-When it all settles, LLENN’s able to get those mags, and have a moment with the Boss. Eva’s wanting to take those bastards down…But first, she’d really like a duel with you, LLENN.

-…That has to wait. LLENN’s all uncertain about admitting it, but Fukaziroh just lays it all out. You know crazy-pants Pitohui yeah? She’s got some kinda suicide pact thing if she doesn’t win this or lose to LLENN in specific sooooooo hold your giant muscular horses. Eva takes that in, and…Karen-san, tell her what’s the deal here. Please.

-Opening!

-Cut to a green-haired girl sprinting through the battlefield…She was there when the rest of her team made an offer to work with Pito. Real-life hunters, cool, calm and professional, and willing to work for Pito and take solid second place, let her take the win. Greenhair, a pacifist in GGO, was the one objector…Pito agreed to a quick ceasefire for equal retreat…Then shot them all in the back of their fucking heads. The only one to escape was Green, who Pito saw as not even worth wasting a bullet on…

-Back in the now, Green knows exactly what she’s dealing with. She saw the look in Pito’s eyes. Some people get hesitant about hurting players in GGO, focusing on monsters. Some separate it from reality, letting the unreality of the game cover our baseline instincts. But Pito…Pito had the look of someone who was doing neither. The eyes of a killer.

-Someone like that…She has to stop them. Alone in the frozen North, she summons in her rifle…

-While Pito loads up with full kit. Everything she brought in. Pistols, armor, a sawed-off and a big beefy rifle with a drum mag…It’s time to get to work.

-Episode 10! “The Devil’s Comeback”

-Back at the Dome, the scan comes in, and LLENN sees just how fucked the situation is…She also gets word that the Machine Gun Lovers are down. Team T-S must’ve gotten them, with their fancy power armor…And KKHC still has their leader in the game…With PM4, SHINC, and MMTM, they’re down to six teams. This is a real tricky mess.

-While Eva rallies her crew. They’re going to strip PM4 down. Actually beating them isn’t gonna be easy, but they can do some real damage…

-And M watches them come in. He’s going to get on the big gun and do some long range sniping, which leaves Pito bored…SHINC spots him taking cover, and realize what they’re dealing with. A man doesn’t deploy his shield unnecessarily. He’s got a gun worth firing from this kind of range.

-He’s also got backup, as they start moving in…Eva pegs it as something anti-materiel. And they’re going to be working against real snipers, with no Bullet Lines. Be ready!

-M starts calling orders…And Eva does the same! NOW! CHARGE!

-They start moving in alternating groups, relying on sheer speed and constant changing up. At this distance, they have to lead those shots hard, and that means steady chaos. Doesn’t matter how accurate a man is if he can’t aim where you are or where you’ll be.

-M cooks a plan of feinting, letting his backup put out some Bullet Lines to force reactions…And it works, as Anna dodges the first shot, only to be fed into the seconding! She splits the fuck in half, losing all her HP in one go!

-But it’s not over. They’re inside of a mile. They’re moving fast. And they’re forcing M to waste a lot of ammo. They’re able to start getting into cover, close enough to use the rolling hills…They shouldn’t be able to work closely enough…But then Sophie spawns in a big rifle, clambers up onto a rock, and kneels…

-A shot hits clean in her head, but her body stays upright…And a shot comes in HARD from behind her, enough to shred a panel off of M’s shield! It splits his backup sniper’s head clean open, knocking him down hard! A fucking anti-tank rifle, a weapon too unwieldy to be used in normal combat…

-Which is why Kana came up with the sacrificial lamb plan. To turn her body into a wall. Sophie gave herself up. So Toma’s on the gun, unleashing their secret technique…The Anti-M ultimate weapon! EAT THIS!

-M’s shield loses another panel, as he desperately tries to counter…But nothing he can do can actually pierce Sophie’s body. If he can’t shoot past it…Toma locks in another round, and both snipers fire as one, their massive bullets passing each other…M’s hits Sophie dead center, while Toma’s shreds the last of his shield and the .50 cal! M is forced to abandon his kit entirely, running away…

-As Toma lets out a war cry! They’ve torn M’s shield apart! The sniper is de-shelled! It was all thanks to you, Sophie!!!

-Now it’s time to push in! They abandon the rifle and start pushing forward, as M takes up a spot with some half-decent cover and a lesser sniper rifle. They’re planning something. He just can’t figure out what, as he glances Tanya hard enough to force her to the dirt…

-But it’s too late for PM4. Because now it’s go time. LLENN, NOW!

-Their plan, was simple. A pincer strike between scans. Eva agreed immediately to help, refusing to let this go down the way Pito wanted. No deaths, not today. GGO is for fun, for teamwork and for the joy of battle. Not for loss and grief.

-So back in the Now. Fuka, bombardment! Fukaziroh dumps smoke and explosions in, and LLENN races in at full force…Only to catch a glint of a scope! Green’s in position, and she fires, unaware of how much this will fuck her up if she ever knows the consequences…The bullet hits before Pito can react, piercing her through and dropping her down!

-And then Green eats a burst from LLENN, who veered off and came in a moment too late.

-Down in the grass, M catches Pito before all her HP can drain, slamming a medkit into her. She was shot square through the eye, and yeahhhhh she’s having a mental breakdown as he pumps HP into her…M sobs, and sobs….But when it stops. She’s at one HP. She’s still alive. And she’s totally cracked, as M tries to get through to her, tries to get her to call it off…

-She’s not listening. She’s not listening at all. And that’s when the grunts realize, she should have disconnected. Every safety system in the world, every bit of post-SAO incident tech, is made specifically to prevent you from…

-She’s not on post-SAO tech.

-Somehow, somewhere, she got her hands on one of the old kits. Which are supposed to be banned, presumably on both ends. How the fuck did she even get a NerveGear to connect to GGO?!

-M’s got to start pulling them in for the cabin, as Eva can confirm Pito survived…Somehow. You can get in there and end this, LLENN. But it’s your call.

-…Full force. Tear PM4 apart! That, is, their, mission!

-But they’re not alone…MMTM is moving in with a full set of jeeps seeing their opportunity! It’s a final clash! YOU MOTHER FUCKERS! Pito is out cold, her HP slowly refilling…As one of the grunts comes to talk to M. He knows he’s just here to be quiet and follow orders…But boss-man, how far are you willing to go to protect her?

-As far as he has to.

-Roger that. Lock in. They’re going to hold the staircase, with their bodies if they have to. Safe travels and good shooting, boss-man. May they meet again on another battlefield.

-MMTM arrives, to find a grunt stepping out…With every grenade they have. Good day, gentleman. He pulls a pin and leaps forward, taking some of them with him as the bottom of the stairwell collapses. Second grunt is in with a shotgun, only to eat it too, and the last holds the line with just his fucking sidearm and a heavy trunk to block the path…

-While up top, M kisses Pito…And arms a grenade.

-What’s left of MMTM get up there in time to hear the kaboom…And to start dying in swaths, first by gunfire, then shotgun blasts, then a fucking lightsaber.

-Funny story.

-True story!

-GGO actually has melee weapons! They’re rare, they’re powerful, and barely anyone knows how to use one in this world of guns…But they exist. And Pito is armed with that deadly Photon Sword, as she steps through the rubble…

-Credits!

Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit

[italicwatches]

Sword Art Online Alternative: Gun Gale Online - Episode 09

Right, at this point I know I’m gonna finish this series on Tumblr. Beyond that…Fuck, I don’t know. Look, it’s anime. Sword Art Online Alternative: Gun Gale Online, episode 09. Here we GO!

-PREVIOUSLY ON GGO, a bunch of teams decided to hook together to try and take down M and Pito.

-PRESENTLY ON GGO, it’s all coming together. Twenty nine versus six. Pito’s thrilled, calling for an ambush and a bloodbath. M, lay out the plan for the nice men.

-Opening!

-The leaders are all in a group, watching the map as they call in to their various teams…They’ve come up on a waterfall with a cave behind it, where team PM4 seems to have hidden out, and thus begins a barrage of gunfire on the place!

-Episode 09! “Ten-Minute Massacre”

-But when it’s all over…Only M is behind the waterfall, and with just some glancing blows that got through his shield. So as they start moving in, he flings a pair of grenades to the mouth of the cave, drawing all attention on him! But while that happens, the generics work in from behind to clear out the long-range support, and that leaves Pito to dive in personally into the thick…

-Stealing a man’s gun to dive in full force, using just martial arts and stolen guns to fuck up everyone around her! And it’s working, as she blows a man’s head the fuck off his body with his own shotgun, chewing through the whole mess until there’s just two terrified bastards left…

-And Pito just watches them, as they watch her. Waiting to see if one of them’s willing to try and draw on her, as they both desperately try to survive…Until M tells her to finish it, and so she decides to just dig some extra pain in on them. It’s a shame, because these two men at least have some honor and dignity to them.

-While they’re still alive, M tries to tell them they should tell the leaders to resign with dignity, but Pito doesn’t want that! She wants to kill them painfully! Let her kill them painfully, M! And then she’s gone, but not before tossing a grenade to finally kill them off…

-As the team leaders realize what happened…And then realize they’re getting blasted! Pito got herself a .50 cal, and she’s splitting their fucking torsos open! The last guy manages to…Resign in the wake of it, his body collapsing. Back in the bar, everyone’s just watching in sheer terror…

-As they realize what she’s using. Specifically, it’s an M107A1…There’s only been a single confirmed drop of that gun on the entire Japanese server. She’s using a truly one-of-a-kind gun, and using it to destroy anyone around her. At this point, everyone’s fully convinced her team’s going to win…

-But of course, there’s a few other major challengers. Like LLENN, who’s working her way through the grass filled savannah of the Dome. Careful, you might get eaten. So the problem is, there’s three other teams inside this Dome, and SHINC and Memento Mori are near the Dome too…They’ve got to cut through stealthy like.

-And that’s when they start hearing gunfire. It’s distant, and automatic but LLENN can’t see Bullet Lines…So they’re fighting each other, right?

-…No. It doesn’t make sense for that. ALL the gunfire is coming from the same place. A gunfight would have multiple directions if it lasted long enough to be more than one or two exchanges. It’s a trap. They’re trying to cast a net and catch them in it. So, the girls have to keep stealthily moving, using their Bullet Lines to cast straight paths to follow…

-When LLENN spots one of the teams coming in to investigate, quickly doing the math and calling coordinates down to Fukaziroh! She gets spotted just in time for a grenade to come in, and with stealth abandoned, it’s in hard! In a flash, four men are dead, LLENN’s down a mag, and they’ve got to figure out a plan! Fukaziroh, get here fast!

-She perks her head up to start moving…And immediately has half a dozen Lines trained on her head! SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT

-LLENN can only hear Fukaziroh’s panic and despair in the comms…Nope, fuck that shit. Fuka, time for “That”! LLENN pops out the one silencer she elected to bring into the field, screwing it on, and flings her heavy cloak aside! VERTICAL DUMP, NOW! Fukaziroh slams six signal grenades overhead at all angles, filling the field with bright pink smoke!

-The men start realizing, far too late, that the Pink Devil is coming for them! LLENN moves fast, leaning solely on hearing to catch the confused men and blast them apart! This was supposed to be for Pito. This was how she was going to get the drop on her rival. But now she’s forced to use it here just to survive…Fuck all of you, you’re gonna DIE!

-One poor bastard gets caught in the thick, trying to give orders, and then LLENN has her barrel right to his cheek. Tell your men you took her down. Now. And if he refs—

-BANG

-Fine. They do this the hard way. She starts moving, hunting Bullet Lines down at full speed while the smoke still holds…Hold your remaining grenades, Fuka! They’re gonna need them, she can finish clearing this up!

-By the time visibility returns, the field is awash in Dead signs, and LLENN is pissed over the comms that she’s down to 500 rounds. Fukaziroh quietly decides she will never, ever piss Karen off ever again, as she hears LLENN immediately blast some fucker into swiss cheese—

-One of the last men, panicking, ends up tripping right over Fukaziroh! He’s unarmed, panicking, terrified, and Fukaziroh’s close enough to use her sidearm.

-She’s also terrible enough with it to magdump and he’s still alive. …Are you seriously that bad at using handguns? She is, however, pretty good at beaning him in the head with the empty pistol, and then battering his skull in with his machine gun!

-Finally, the girls can count flags, and seventeen…Wait, that pile of corpses is shy a flag! Up, now. Let’s be reasonable. Resign, let her save the ammo and yourself the pain.

-The one who was playing dead agrees, but would like to chat a bit first…Seems they’re a big fan of the cute strong type. Uh huh. Sure. Open those pouches on your chest. Yes, yes, of coPISTOL

-BANG

-And that’s your hand gone. Now open the fucking pouches. She can check your corpse just fine, you know! And out comes…LLENN knew it! Those long style pouches are holding P90 compatible mags!

-You’re going to drop your entire inventory.

-NOW.

-Or she’ll make this hurt. And make it slow. Fuka, get ready to grab everything. You DO know this is being broadcast, right? Are you seriously going to be so uncouth on a live broad—

-Are you done babbling or not?

-Then…How about a kiss of appreciation? Fukaziroh is increasingly disgusted with everyone in this game, while LLENN is, at this point, just wanting those mags. But fine, take them all out first! So, the magazines hit the ground, and oh, what an amount…

-LLENN made an agreement, though, and reluctantly makes that quick peck. And it turns out this figure is a bisexual woman who would like to be very good friends with the girls here, which is…I mean…Even acknowledging bisexual people exist is a kind of progress?

-So LLENN goes to get the mags, while Clarence here is about to resign…When she sees Bullet Lines, and tackles LLENN to the ground! GET DOWN!

-The first barrage comes in, as she throws LLENN into the grass before dying herself…Forcing LLENN and Fukaziroh to escape! They’re being tracked by Memento Mori now! This is FUCKING BAD.

-Credits!

Out of the frying pan and into the fire, huh? We’ll have to see what LLENN can pull together next time, in episode TEN of SAO Alt: GGO! Wait for it!

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Sword Art Online Alternative: Gun Gale Online - Episode 08

So, uh, Tumblr’s gonna become a tire fire and then a ghost town, I’m guessing. …Where’re the fandom folks going? I’d kind of like to get in on the ground floor for once. Anyways, it’s Sword Art Online Alternative: Gun Gale Online, episode 08! Here we GO!

-We begin with that final countdown, the girls rally themselves, ready to war…And then the game BEGINS! They spawn in the Northwestern suburbs, right up on the edge of the battlefield…So now they’ve got to figure out their plan. The initial spawns show a pretty broad spread…

-The hills are too dangerous. That’s total sniper territory, long nightlines and all the cover’s low. There’s a stadium arena, and some large buildings…They could go into the mountains…All rough options. But LLENN starts to put together a plan, and gives Fukaziroh the orders. She is clearly not used to LLENN being so…take-charge.

-Right now they’re in a clean spot. They’ve got lots of cover and options, and they’re nearly halfway to the first scan, which will include team names. Best choice is to bunker down, see if anyone’s coming for them, and see where the fuck Pito is. They don’t need to win this, they just need to beat Pito. Everything else comes after.

-Opening!

-Looks like the town is pretty empty, when the scan comes up. Both of our girls hide down, and at a look…Things are shifting, lot of early movement Northwards, but nobody’s too close to them. People are trying to lock in their defensive positions before stretching out to fight. Now, which of these is Pito…in…

-Fuck me she’s in the Southeastern mountains. Pito and team SHINC both see LLENN’s location, as everyone starts putting together their plans.

-In the snowy mountains, team Memento Mori sees how the seed was played…The favorites are all scattered wide, in the four corners of the map. The company’s aiming to try and force them to have as many conflicts as possible before they reach each other. Understandable, but it’s gonna make things tricky…

-Fukaziroh gets very dramatic about it. But okay, there’s only one thing to do. Chart a course Southeast, hunt PM4 down, and crush anyone in their way.

-Episode 08! “Booby Trap”

-What’s the over-under on the word “booby” getting this flagged by the Algorithm, do you think? So, first step is to move down through the suburbs…When LLENN spots their first opponent. Five men in a pentagon formation. Plan’s simple. Just like they practiced. Fukaziroh will bombard, and then LLENN will sweep in during the confusion…Aaand then Fukaziroh runs into a mine!

-HER LEGS ARE FUCKING GONE

-THEY JUST AREN’T THERE ANYMORE

-HOW DOES THAT ONLY COST TWENTY FIVE PERCENT HP

-LLENN has to drag her ass out there by the luggage handles on her fuckin’ backpack, and LLENN starts trying to think. She knows that limbs should regrow after two minutes, but do they have that kind of time? And of course, the men who put down the mine heard it go off, and are investigating…So, uh, this is not ideal.

-Fukaziroh tries to tell her to abandon her and run. Never! Well, maybe if you die. But not before that! Stay low, stay quiet, and if all else fails, magdump.

-And LLENN bursts out of the front window with a cloak, flinging it aside to start spewing rounds into her enemies! The first one drops before she hits the ground! Number two eats a point blank headshot, and becomes an invulnerable human shield to block number three and give her room to pop him down the center! Gunfire coming, knife out, dash in, FOUR loses his man parts and then his neck! Two left! Five’s around the corner of a building and gets parkour’d and blasted! Where’s their last man?

-Hanging back with a pump-action loaded with slugs! LLENN barely dodges, needs a way to get in close, but a grenade to the head from Fuka takes that fucker down! That’s for taking her legs, asshole!

-Every man watching despairs at those that groin attack, by the way.

-Meanwhile,, the other teams are working their way through…The machine gun lovers are doing their thing. Memento Mori is moving slow and steady through the snow. Down in the train yards, SHINC is bunkering down, fighting their way out of suppressive fire bit by bit.

-In the farmlands, another team drops, from a skilled sharpshooter…And then all the way in the mountains, M is holding and watching the chaos. Because, bluntly, they have the best spot they’re going to get. Let the initial waves burn themselves out, and then they can force a conflict on their terms. M’s holding his ground as team leader, refusing to let Pito convince them to go out into the thick.

-Back to the suburbs, Fukaziroh has legs again! Legs are great! Legs are the best! What would she do without legs? That’s why you’ve got to watch for those wires, and watch at all levels. Players get real clever in PvP. Ankle height, knee, waist, neck high, putting an obvious trap down to make you go towards a well hidden one…LLENN even watches for wires in real life now from playing too much.

-Time for the next scan. The map’s a lot thinner, and a lot of teams are shooting for PM4…So what’s the plan? Keep moving. There’s a team towards the train yard. That’s going to be a real defensible position. Claiming it will be tough, but it’ll give them a lot of options. There might even be functional train vehicles.

-And Fukaziroh is starting to cook up a plan…They might be able to drop that team without a single shot!

-By this scan point, SHINC has managed to get to the farmlands, fighting their way out of the train yards. And Eva is pissed at the lack of good opponents. Her friends point out that she should be careful not to get too used to playing Eva, or she might become more rude and crude in real life. What would your mother think if you started cursing in public or on the subway?

-…Point. So she tries calling them out with a bit more elegance.

-Memento Mori sees the initial burnout, and decide to shoot for LF first. Time to start moving West.

-Pito is bored.

-LLENN and Fukaziroh are getting real close to the train yards…And it’s time for the assault.

-Exactly what they meant to do, before that trap got them. Another six-man team of generics, and with LLENN spotting, Fukaziroh’s able to arc her Bullet Line, starting to put corrections in and shell the whole group! A hit! Fukaziroh practiced for hours, learning how to correct for different distances…All she needs is to know how much to correct for.

-So LLENN calls out coordinates, and a second hit! The team’s scattered, but two more down! Just one left, he’s running East! Fukaziroh runs out of one launcher, but switches, magdumping! When the smoke clears, that’s a confirmed kill. All six are down, and Fukaziroh’s feeling damn good. Time to lock in, meet up, and work their way to the dome!

-All it took was twelve grenades. Just two drums to do the entire team in. They’re good.

-Next scan. Looking good.

-Well except for the part where seven teams are trying to band together to take down PM4.

-That’s a problem.

-A big problem.

-Up in the mountains, M spots it…Yep, all seven teams are agreeing to cooperate, to force PM4 out of the game before scattering and resuming their war. It’s a solid strategy, but a real problem…

-Team SHINC spot it too, and there’s a lot of uncertainty if it’ll work…It just might. But they’re too far away to influence it…And Eva’s not happy.

-Memento Mori are just upset they lost the chance to cut through the enemy with a last-second betrayal…

-And with no other choice on the board, LLENN leaves Fukaziroh behind, sprinting out there in full power to try and change the script…Until she trips on a tree root and Fukaziroh has to slow her down. Even at full power, you won’t make it. And alone, you won’t be able to change things. They’ve got to trust, and keep moving forward. Yeah? Yeah.

-Back up in the mountains, Pito just fucking laughs. The team leaders have all fallen back, putting their squads in independent mode so no maps can help PM4. This is great! This is fantastic! This is gonna be a bloodbath. The wind whips up, and Pito prepares to go to war, as her laughter echoes through the world…

-Credits! What a fuckin’ mood whiplash.

Well god DAMN, this is bad. This is very bad. We’ll see if things get better for our heroes next time, in episode NINE of SAO Alt: GGO! Wait for it!

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Sword Art Online Alternative: Gun Gale Online - Episode 07

You ever get that lingering feeling that you miiiiight have fucked up big time? I’m kinda getting that right now. …Anyways, anime. It’s Sword Art Online Alternative: Gun Gale Online, episode 07! Here we GO!

-It’s mid-March. LLENN is in the game, and waiting, as Miyu logs in…And oh my god she’s tiny. She’s as tiny as LLENN! And loving it, though then they get harassed by a guy wanting to buy her account. …She’s even considering it, until LLENN drags her ass away.

-Opening!

-So down into the saloon, where LLENN gets to see Fukaziroh’s stats and god damn you’ve got some solid numbers! Where LLENN is all AGI, Fukaziroh manages to cram an absurd amount of STR into that tiny body. So, she’s got a thousand credits to start with, which is just what the game starts with…

-Well, LLENN can offer some premium currency. No, no, save your real money! They need it for the concerts and for you taking her out to some fancy sushi restaurant! LLENN literally never agreed to that. …Though if this goes well, it will be worth celebrating…

-Also, why Fukaziroh? Isn’t that what you named your dog as a kid? …Also why did you name your dog Fukaziroh? It came off a language pun and a pet bird she had at the time. He was a good dog.

-So they need scratch. How about this M guy? And then Fukaziroh bails out to let LLENN call him, and go bask in the attention that only a cute and tiny girl in an otaku game can receive.

-Episode 07! “Second Squad Jam”

-Eventually LLENN and Fukaziroh meet back up, and Fukaziroh got talked to by forty three guys. She could totally rock a reverse harem situation in GGO. …No, bad Fukaziroh. Bad! Anyways, M’s left a dead drop for them since he can’t be seen associating with them. Not just any dead drop, but one containing ten million credits. Holy balls. “I’m ready to marry M! Tell me his contact info!”

-You ever have that friend where you’re never entirely sure whether they’re joking or serious, and so your entire life with them is just an endless limbo of maybe-irony? Fukaziroh is that friend.

-So with this kind of cash, Fukaziroh goes looking aaaand she’s bunned her hair with a knife for a hairstick. …This fuckin’ girl. So nothing in the shop is catching her eye…But this is the normal shop. Not the underground rare goods shop!

-Where Fukaziroh finds a grenade launcher, and she is DOWN TO CLOWN. Contrast LLENN, who thinks it’s ugly as hell and has none of the smooth grace of her P-chan. Anyways, they’ve got two of them in stock in the rare drops. Fukaziroh immediately decides she has to have both. Grenades launchers are, naturally, the best. Also she immediately decides M is now her sugar daddy and she is going to spend that sugar. Six million for the both of them? DONE. And give her a full case of those premium grenades!

-Late March. Fukaziroh has kitted the fuck up, and is learning how to use her new babies. She and LLENN start forming a solid strategy where Fukaziroh uses the launchers’ sheer range to basically be tiny artillery, and then LLENN sweeps in to mop up in the confusion and take out the trash.

-And then she makes LLENN learn how to dodge in the thick so she can bombard while LLENN is still in the field. YOU ARE THE WORST. But, LLENN has some strategies of her own she wants to test out.

-Cut over to the school. Saki’s rallying her team. They’ve trained. They’ve honed their skills. They can claim victory! But there’s that big guy, M. They need a plan for how to deal with him and his shield wall. They need a weapon capable of dealing with that shield, because knowing him, he won’t let them get behind it. So they’re going to compile everything they have, and get a gun powerful enough to STRIKE!

-Which is when Kana gets an alert…And it’s for the GGO app. LLENN’s entered the Squad Jam! And under the name Team LF…Not LM like last time? Oh, that makes things interesting…Saki makes the decision, they’ve got to go on lockdown. LLENN is now their rival for this glory. No contact with her. They all need to go into this clean. For the next few weeks, she’s their enemy!

-But all the girls mostly just talk about the opportunity to eat more sweets and drink more tea at her place after. Truly, they are a terrifyingly serious and precise military squad.

-Goushi makes the call, about that one specific team entering…

-Indeed, all of the major challengers take notice. Who wouldn’t, with the winner of the first Squad Jam finally entering after a huge delay? And LLENN and Fukaziroh work on their strategies, honing their skills…

-Until the day of the preliminary battles comes on. LLENN, of course, has to give zero fucks about them because she’s seeded, so instead it’s time to talk logistics of the battle. They’ve made a few changes. The big one, is that the scans won’t just show you where teams are, but team names. You’ll be able to know where everyone is. Their goal is simple, to track down team PM4.

-PM4. They pulled a language pun. The death of Pito and M. Dark. Also, you’ve got to watch out for team SHINC, they’ll be gunning for a duel with LLENN. Their first goal is just to deal with Pito, and then she can worry about SHINC…

-But real talk, LLENN is worried. She’s scared she’ll fail. And if she does…People are gonna die. But nothing to do about it right now. Worry in the thick if you’re going to worry at all. …Thanks, Miyu. For everything. She wouldn’t be able to do this without you.

-And okay, it’s the 4th. The big day. Karen’s got no work, no classes, she seals up her bedroom away from all light, she’s done her business and put on her comfiest pajamas. It’s time to jam.

-Miyu, to contrast, has been working on…How many pints of ice cream is that?! She has EIGHT tubs sitting on her fucking desk. Best case, she’s the kind of slob who would leave a container out for a week after emptying it. Worst case, those are all from today.

-And indeed, LLENN is learning that Miyu is sick to her tumtum because she ate too much ice cream and is stuck on the toilet. She is…Displeased.

-While the squads start coming in. There’s some big players here…Team Memento Mori have some strong reputations, and SHINC of course are big deals. And then, M arrives, the second half of Team LM from the first jam…With an entire masked team? Pito comes on up, making a big show of it as she joins her squad…

-And Memento’s leader knows Pito all too well. He used to squad up with her back in the early days of GGO. …She’s a fucking nutcase, watch your back around her. She’ll betray you in a second, and fights with a death wish.

-So as things are lining up, someone notices LLENN’s not around…In fact, a lot of people notice! But then LLENN and Fukaziroh desperately get in at the last minute, and the crowd goes wild for the champ! Pito comes over, and both of them know how serious this one is…

-It’s time. With thirty seconds left, everyone gets ready. LLENN only has time to remind Pito of their promise, and that she intends to win. Come on, Fukaziroh. Time to kick some ass!

-They get put into the staging area, where they learn one last-minute change; they’re making the scanner breakable this time. So be careful with it. Both girls fling their travel cloaks aside and equip guns! Fukaziroh has named her launchers Rightony and Leftania. Any idea what Pito will have? Not a one. LLENN’s never seen her use the same gun twice. They’ll be going into a total unknown.

-Nothing they can do about that but face it. Only thing for now is put on their war faces, and lock and load!

-Credits!

The more Miyu we see the more ridiculous she gets.

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Sword Art Online Alternative: Gun Gale Online - Episode 06

I should probably watch some anime today. It’s Sword Art Online Alternative: Gun Gale Online, episode 06! Here we GO!

-It’s February 11th, just a bit after the Squad Jam. And LLENN is in GGO, down in the cash shop where THEY HAVE A NEW P90 IN STOCK FUCK YEAHHHHHHH! P-chan, daughter of P-chan, is born! LLENN loves her submachine guns so much. It’s a wholesome love between a woman and her gun.

-And hey, there’s Eva! What’s the Boss doing in a place like this?

-Opening! You know, sidenote, I’m wondering if GGO has some level of self-identity thing going on. Like, it’s one thing that Karen and Saki each happened to get a form that matched who they wanted to be…But the entire team of tiny girls who wish they were bigger and got more respect, waking up in GGO as tall, buff amazons? On top of Karen, who wants to be cute and adorable and the little spoon, waking up as literally the smallest size the system allows? That feels a little too unlikely to just be the odds.

-The 15th. It’s the post-credits from episode one, as the whole of Saki’s crew is there watching the highlights from Karen’s performance in the Squad Jam, and seeing just how much crazy shit she pulled off before they fought her. You’re a MONSTER, Karen-san! A total BADASS!

-Karen is still trying to properly hook this gaggle of adorable schoolgirls she’s somehow befriended, to the terrifying amazons who pushed her to the brink. Saki is all huffy about how Karen is still kind of scared of Eva. Well what about Sophie, huh? Look at their gunner, she’s huge!

-Yeah but she has a gentler demeanor, as we start getting connections. So, Saki is Eva. Kana, with the bob cut, is Sophie. Mi, the blonde, has the sharpshooter Toma, and has learned to drive stick because she’s been overseas. The one with those cutesy rounded eyebrows, Shiori, is Roza the other heavy-gunner. Their second sniper is Moe, who is deeply embarrassed about how she puts on such cool airs in the game. And then there’s Risa, who is Tanya the scout, the closest to anyone’s real self…But still tall and muscled, just the sleek muscles of a runner.

-So that’s the whole gang! By schoolday, they are but the humble high school rhythmic gymnastics club. But by night, they are a vicious crew…And they’re here to talk strategy. They want to walk through the entire encounter and figure out where they dropped the ball! They’re in your care, Karen-san!

-Episode 06! “SAO Loser”

-Also they devour the snacks she gives them because they are, after all, athletic teenagers. And it turns out they’ve only known each other since last April, when they all joined the club…And they were fucking terrible. It’s actually why they got into VR gaming, to learn to communicate physically and sync up properly…After their coach got fed up and quit on them.

-As for why GGO? IT was the fact that it was so different, so far out of their usual context, that they could start from zero and not the outright negative position they were in with their actual sports. A crisp, clear goal, that they all knew they knew nothing about accomplishing. And of course, it’s just plain a good game, so they got super hooked on it!

-Which is why now they’ve got to push for victory in the next proper Squad Jam! What about rhythmic gymnastics…? That too. BUT ESPECIALLY GGO. Now, will you be in the next one?!

-Karen’s…Not so sure. This was kind of sprung on her. She’s not gonna say no, but she can’t say yes. And she doesn’t even know if M will keep playing, let alone want to team up with her again going forward…

-…Saki is sad now. But eventually, they’re all ready to head out, and Karen’s got to get ready for her big trip back to her parents’ place for spring break. Saki is still sad about not having a LLENN to war against in the inevitable next Squad Jam.

-The 24th. Karen’s back in her hometown, out with Miyu, and kind of wishing neither of those things were the case judging by the look on her face. Miyu keeps taking photos of her new look and she saw the highlight reel of you and that M guy! You kicked ASS! Tell her everything, everything! What made you want to split up from M? That was BANANAS!

-So Miyu learns everything…And yeah this Pito chick sounds like a nutter. Just make sure she never knows your meatspace identity and you’ll be fine. Oh, hey, this karaoke bar has some new Elsa songs! You wanna do one? Miyu’s gonna do one. They are gonna get that next set of concert tickets!

-A few days later, Karen’s on the plane back home, and gets a promo email saying that the second Squad Jam has just been announced for early April.

-Sidenote, these things don’t make any sense. Like, look, it was…fifteen teams to start, right? That means the absolute maximum player count in a single Squad Jam is 90 people, holding the 2-6 size limit. Both of the major battle royale centric games right now, PUBG and especially Fortnite (but especially Bart) can rack up a hundred players in…about 30 seconds, give or take. Even in their own squad modes, from what I’ve seen it doesn’t take more than a few minutes to get into a match, tops.

-Now, okay, that’s on an American game audience, with something that uses heavy amounts of cross-play and can be played on an incredible variety of devices. So I will freely admit it’s not a 1:1 comparison to VR. But unless the Japanese server only has a couple thousand people on it, tops, getting 30-90 people into a match shouldn’t be the kind of thing so huge it only happens once every few months…Because if it is, how the hell is the game able to keep running and pay for what I have to imagine would be much better servers than an ordinary FPS, to deal with the immense amount of data a full-dive VR player would be sending?

-I know I’m overthinking it, and they’re getting the feel of gaming right. It’s just…I don’t know. Kind of weird the way they’re trying to make the Squad Jams, as an entire concept, into these big Events when that’s not how this shit works. Anyways, it’s another personal sponsorship, with some fine tuned rules, and any of the top four teams are pre-seeded if they choose to enter.

-Oh, and then Saki emailed Karen immediately because WOOOOO SECOND SQUAD JAM! Also, her message is full of more emojis and text emoticons than I think I’ve ever seen in one place. Also Saki wants to eat her treats again so please invite them over sometime soon. …Shit, that kid is blunt.

-When Karen gets back to her place, she finds a guy waiting for her who gets WAYYYY too close and it’s M. So that removes one possibility I had. And now she’s twice freaked out because how the fuck did he find her? Can they go somewhere private to talk about that? Because shit’s gotten Real.

-And that’s how they end up in a little cafe area in the apartment building, I think? Hard to say. But, bluntly, M has to admit that he has no proof of any of his claims, but there’s some shit you need to know. Also, he gives a real name, one Asougi Goushi. Goushi is RIGHT UP ON HER and begging for her help because people’s lives are, for real, on the line.

-His, and Pito’s. …Oh fuck me, what is Pito doing. She’s insane, and they both know it. She’s going to participate, and form a team…And in real life, she said she intends to kill herself if she doesn’t take the gold. But not until she confirms his death.

-Karen would like off this ride now please. This is ludicrous and you should go to the police.

-But…Well, here’s the deal. You know the SAO Incident, right? Thousands of people locked in, forced to fight for their lives. Pito…Wasn’t in that group. She was a beta tester, and became obsessed with the game. On launch day, something came up. She had to delay her entrance into it for just a few hours…Enough for the lockdown to happen, and SAO to become a sealed bubble she couldn’t enter.

-She watched it all on the news. She watched everyone else go through the greatest crucible of their lives. And it broke her. That she lost her shot at entering that crucible, turned her inside out. To have a chance to burn her life out in battle…Ever since VR games became popular again, she’s been throwing every spare moment she had into them. But they don’t satisfy her yearning for the void.

-For a little while, though, things were…stable. Until the SAO Incident was solved, and the survivors started talking. Pito had to confront her ‘lost opportunity’, and learned about the player killers, who committed genuine murder inside the world of SAO. Most of the deaths, outside of those first few chaotic days, were in fact from player killers or from self-defense against them.

-Other sidenote, I don’t know if it’s just one of those Manga Things where shit gets enshrined and used and reused because it’s an easily understood story path, but Japanese gaming culture seems to have this really different attitude towards PvP and attacking other players in general.

-And Pito…Pito envied them. Their chance to put their lives on the line, to kill or be killed. To be them or to strike them down. That’s how fucking insane Pito is!

-Things weren’t so bad when she was burning of steam in GGO…But then she missed the Squad Jam, the first big script-changer event! And it’s caused a relapse. …So she’s going to try and turn Squad Jam 2: Gunfire Boogaloo into a death game. Yes, yes! So again. Why not the cops or professionals.

-…He can’t. Pito’s too important to him. If he goes to the police or psychiatrists, she’ll be killed, jailed or put in a psychiatric ward, and if they try to lock her up she’ll find a way to kill herself. She’d die, and not before destroying herself in the eyes of all the people who rely on her.

-…This is over her pay grade, man. She can’t help you here.

-KABEDON

-Goushi corners her up with the very important move that is Kaibedon, and look. He, loves, Pito! That’s why he has to find a way for this to end in her survival, so he can get her back to center! Karen’s first kabedon, and it’s to hear a guy confess his love for someone else. This is bullshit.

-So they end up sitting back down, with Goushi drinking black coffee, which he hates, but he drinks it because Pito likes it. …Dude just have a sweet drink and mellow. So, okay, talk it out. What’s your plan and why aren’t you scared like when she had P-chan aimed at your damn head?

-Because his real fear isn’t death…It’s leaving Pito behind without him there to keep her grounded. Say he dies. Hell, say Pito kills him. Then…Then what. What if she doesn’t have the will to kill herself? What if she tries for suicide by cop, or worse, what if she breaks down and her resolve cracks entirely? She’d be destroyed. She wouldn’t even have the dignity of death, she’d have a hollow life.

-And okay, explain in very small words how Karen’s supposed to help.

-Enter the SJ 2, face Pito, and defeat her in battle!

-…WHAT?!

-You are the one person who she will accept a defeat from. She made that promise to you! If you defeat her honestly, and if she knows it’s an honest fight…She’ll be stuck to her promise. She’ll have to stay alive, so she can meet you. And that’ll give him time, to pull her back to center and out of this relapse state.

-…This is insane. This is ludicrous. But…If it’s the only option on the board…Guess she’s entering.

-Credits!

-Aftercredits! Karen’s back in bed, and now has Goushi’s personal email as a way to talk…But Karen needs someone to enter with. Who the hell can LLENN rely…on…Miyu! MIYU SHE NEEDS YOUR HELP! …Miyu is so fucking down. They’re gonna rage, Karen!

I guess SAO’s gonna SAO, huh. Gotta be honest, I would’ve enjoyed this more without the death game angle. But oh well, let’s try and enjoy ourselves next time, in episode SIX of SAO Alt: GGO! Wait for it!

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Sword Art Online Alternative: Gun Gale Online - Episode 05.5

So is this gonna be just a straight recap, or will we get useful meat out of it? Let’s find out! It’s Sword Art Online Alternative: Gun Gale Online, episode 05.5! Here we GO!

-We begin with M and Pito hanging out in GGO, and Pito wanting to know everything that happened…Also, it’s already just using footage from the last five episodes, as M queues up some tunes for Pito…

-Opening! That’s our music to get hype!

-Episode 05.5! “Refrain”

-So the Squad Jam started in the woods, they moved into the city, you remember this stuff. Pito is loving the footage of a terrified LLENN, in case you forgot she’s a god damned lunatic. So, yeah, there were snipers, that pro team using GGO as a highly realistic training sim.

-Down to the suburbs. The fight with the pro team. The whole suitcase plan. Which was a crazy high-stakes concept, but it shocked them enough to just plain work. And Pito is very impressed. Then the footage gets paused for them to grab some drinks.

-And it’s a cut to the hovercraft team stuff. Pito does not care about how M did. She does, however, care about LLENN’s dakkadakkadakkadakkadakka.

-And then it’s the one-hour point. Or specifically, the point where they slipped up, and LLENN almost died to a sniper shot. Pito despairs! Pito also points out that escaping by hovercraft with just the two of them, made it clear that it was just the two of them. Risky business, there.

-To to the desert, where M insists he had the idea to send LLENN out going wild. Because of course he’s not going to admit that he tried to kill LLENN and got out-played like a chump. Also, Pito is not into Elsa Kanzaki. M, however, is a fan much like LLENN.

-So it’s the fight against the Boss’s team, which, well, you know this part. LLENN’s crazy plan to escape with a plasma grenade, and then her return to close quarters. Sadly, we do not get to see the part where she thought P-chan was talking to her. I was hoping for another shot at them anime eyes. Instead, we get the part where LLENN loses her fucking shit about P-chan’s tragic death, and that top 10 epic knife fight like share subscribe.

-And M’s faux sacrifice to claim victory, and Pito mostly just cares about LLENN. Because of course she does. But now we’re finally out of recap footage, as Pito is so very frustrated she didn’t get to participate! She can only hope there’s another Squad Jam. Fuck it, she’ll sponsor one if it gets it to happen!

-Credits! With screen caps from this first arc!

-Aftercredits! New footage? No new footage. The author amused himself by taking clips from the official feed and adding silly effects to them. Here, lookit this youtube video. …It’s youtube poop. This is just youtube poop.

I literally could have skipped this.

[italicwatches]

Sword Art Online Alternative: Gun Gale Online - Episode 05

I am full of food and have set some aside for a friend. It’s a bit late, but let’s do this. It’s Sword Art Online Alternative: Gun Gale Online, episode 05! Here we GO!

-We begin with the other team, prepping for their big final hunt and getting all excited about it…Also, incredibly hard to translate language puns.

-Meanwhile, M is having a real bad day. Like, really bad. Possibly his worst. And…Well, M insists that if he dies in the game, he’ll die for real.

-First, question. I’m not saying he’s lying yet, but what fucking idiot would thus enter into a PvP Battle Royale? If you’re trapped in the game, you keep your fucking ass in the starter town(hai, Kazuma desu) and farm low-level PvE mobs for enough credits to get by!

-Second, well I just found my screen cap and we’re only a minute in.

-Because LLENN calls bullshit, this isn’t SAO. …Now tell her what was on that letter, you dumb idiot. He hands it over without resistance, and it’s from Pito, of course, telling him…That if he survives an entire hour, she’ll be super impressed. But if he dies a cowardly death, or after the hour mark, she’ll totally kill him for real. …Dude, you can’t let Pito get into your fuckin’ head like that.

-BULLSHIT YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT WOMAN IS CAPABLE OF

-Opening!

-Sidenote, what the fuck was his plan if shooting LLENN in the head had worked? Take on the entire enemy team himself? She’s not a political enemy, you can’t trade her corpse for fucking safe haven.

-And we’re back. So, whatever the actual situation is, M is fully convinced that PIto will legit murder him in legit reality if he loses. Do you have any idea how obsessed she IS with the original SAO?! With the idea of death games, and of putting your life on the line?!

-And LLENN puts out the question I just wanted to know. And his plan? Kill her. Become team leader. Resign, which wouldn’t count at suicide by the strictest definition of Pito’s terms, and would kick him out right away so he could make a run for it.

-…You’re a fuckin’ idiot and you took her way too lightly, man. So here’s the actual factual plan. She’s gonna go shoot the other team full of red pixel dots. You’re gonna go hide somewhere. If she dies, you can bail out or whatever. Peace.

-And then she’s off, barely stopping long enough to retrieve her cool hat before she’s off like a rocket and putting together a battle plan…What’s her best tools? Simple, the core thing she’s been pouring XP into since day one. At least in terms of this Squad Jam, she’s the fastest woman alive! Run, LLENN, run!

-Meanwhile, M is trying to convince himself he wasn’t in the wrong here…And then with one last war cry, LLENN’s out of comm range.

-She’s moving at full force, sprinting over a dockside…And finds herself having just jumped into the enemy team! Behind cover, return fire! It’s a vicious high-speed duel with their forward scout, as she desperately tries to find LLENN…But gets out-played, taking vicious shots! LLENN gets glanced in the shoulder, but reloads far faster when the mags run dry, and blasts the gun right out of the other woman’s hands!

-She starts calling for reinforcements and goes for her sidearm…But it’s far too late, as she gets bisected with gunfire! The rest of her team arrives just in time to watch her collapse, and for LLENN to fucking book it behind some rocks when they pour it on! The heavy gunners are going full force…

-And the sniper tries to pin her down, but the wildly desperate LLENN somehow outruns them all, even as she tries to ignore that little bit of her lizard hindbrain that doesn’t realize this is just a game and FUCK FUCK FUCK THIS IS PRETTY LEGITIMATELY SCARY FOR HER

-Episode 05! “Leave the Last Battle to Me”

-While the other team make a point of taking their fallen comrade’s gear…They’re gonna get vengeance for you, and claim that gold, friend. Don’t you worry.

-Back with LLENN, she takes stock. Down to 70% HP. Only six mags left, and two plasma grenades, and a knife. Not a good set of odds. She’s running into the lion’s den here…

-But she remembers what Pito taught her. Never fire randomly or in desperation. If you can’t say with certainty where you’re aiming and why, then all you’re doing is giving away your location and fear to the enemy. Center, focus. Always act with intent.

-And LLENN starts to put her focus together. She can do this. She will do this. Deep breath, get moving. They’re gonna get eyes on her…

-And then two shots ring out. One in her back. One rips through her mag carrier. She stumbles, staggers, takes another shot as she falls down there side of the cliff, barely pulling through with about 30% of her HP left…The leader starts pushing the rest of her team to herd her in…

-As LLENN realizes she fell for a fucking trap. They used their Bullet Lines to draw her in! But she can still move. She can still run. Everything hurts, but if she can get from cover to cover…

-She’s got multiple sharpshooters on her…And when they pin her down, the big guns come out! LLENN is stuck, pinned, and desperate…

-When she gets a plan. She throws a grenade just over the rock, starts counting…And the instant it goes off, she sprints, letting the ball of plasma catch their fire and block her escape! MOVE! FUCKING MOVE!

-The other team…Well, she’s earning their respect. Pulling shit like this solo? Little rabbit’s good.

-While LLENN manages to get out of the line of fire, and the pain’s starting to wear off. She can focus, and think…But that leaves her needing to think of a plan. Right now, she’s got a real problem. Her victories come from being up close and personal…

-That’s right, LLENN-chan! Wait, who’s…

-…LLENN.

-LLENN, sweetie.

-You need to log out.

-You’re hallucinating.

-Because I refuse to believe your gun is actually talking.

-Anyways, P-chan tells her to go forward, to use her speed to get in and god dammit why does P-chan have anime eyes. No you cannot meet senpai!

-At least LLENN has the smarts to realize she must be losing her mind.

-But eventually, the enemy team is hunting her down, and she’s chilling on a rock. Looking for her? They shoot…And she just fuckin’ dives away from it, before racing in! DAKKADAKKA, big gunner down! The sniper’s caught in too close, unable to get a solid shot in,, and instead gets lost to a plasma grenade!

-LLENN eats a glancing blow, ends up spiraling down with about 25%, and caught under two Bullet Lines with her gun out of reach…

-When a shot lances through the air, hitting a grenade on the other gunner’s belt! She’s lost in fire, and it’s down to the leader in the thick…

-While the last two members of the team, watching from afar, get eyed by sniper fire! M, is, back in the game! They’re on the run, but LLENN’s got this…

-As she races in against the leader!

-And eats a roundhouse kick to her tiny, vulnerable stomach that sends her into the far wall. Soooo that’s not great.

-Yeah, that hurts real bad. The leader pins her down hard, and puts round after round into her chest…But it doesn’t work?! HOW?! WHY WON’T YOU DIE?!

-She put the scanner in her breast pocket. The scanner is indestructible.

-It’s the frying pan of GGO.

-And that gives LLENN enough time to whip her head away from the next shot, for the leader’s mag to run dry! LLENN flings a P90 mag at her, forcing her to step back, giving our tiny pink devil enough space to just magdump!

-The leader ferociously grabs that P90, trying to rip it out of her hands, to snap it in half…You’re good, little one. Good enough to piss her off. What’s your name? LLENN. Yours? Eva. Everyone just calls her Boss.

-You ran dry, didn’t you.

-So did you.

-And then the other gunner arrives, the last one still armed! JUST FIRE, you fool! One of them has to survive, that’s all!

-But she hesitates. For a singular moment too long. Her machine-gun gets shot apart, and in a final play, she throws the boss her sidearm magazine!

-Eva whips her pistol up, catches it perfectly…And LLENN finds it to her head. But P-chan will protect her! Shot after shot echoes across the desert landscape…

-And when it’s over…LLENN still stands, with P-chan filled full of damage…It shatters in her hands, and, uh, guys?

-Guys?

-P-chan was her power limiter.

-So this is bad.

-Very bad. With a furious roar, she dives in with her knife, tearing Eva’s thighs open! Back and forth, cross cut that puts her on the ground, and then a vicious strike to the chest! LLENN eats a punch before she can land it, loses all but her last 1% of HP…

-But the knife went up. And she catches it with her free hand, diving it CLEAR THROUGH EVA’S NECK! Crimson neon sprays from the wound, she hits the ground in a heap…

-And LLENN almost eats a sniper round to the head from the last surviving member. But M draws her out by standing firm, and the two snipers cross counter with bullets. The enemy sniper drops…And then so does M.

-But then the fireworks go up! TEAM LM IS THE WINNER OF THIS FIRST SQUAD JAM!

-LLENN arrives to find M’s…Got his pack on backwards and it took the shot. You ridiculous man you scared her half to death. But that, is, the, game!

-This first ever Squad Jam lasted just shy of an hour and a half, and they fired 49,810 shots! Jesus. I wonder how many of those were out of P-chan.

-Credits!

-Aftercredits! The real world. When a tiny adorable schoolgirl comes up to Karen, because they noticed she got her hair cut short and it turns out this whole group always admire Karen when they see her walking by, thinking she’s so elegant and graceful like a model and this is the moment when we’re supposed to realize that this is Eva’s squad. Like, you see it, right?

-But, yeah. It’s an interesting thing, conflicting height complexes…But Karen managed to push herself forward. It might sound silly, but…The sheer wild desperation of a VR game, of fighting for her life again and again, was what locked it in for her. She realized she could endure.

-And indeed, one of them calls the head girl, Saki, Boss, and Karen doesn’t quite put it together yet, but she ends up making some adorable younger friends. …Gahhhh, it’s impossible.

-And then Saki comes up to shake her hand. For defeating the Boss, I now bestow upon you the rank of Big Boss. You’re a hell of a player, LLENN. She’s gonna totally kick your ass next time though, little rabbit. Bring it on, you amazon.

WHAT A FUCKING FIGHT THAT WAS, am I right? God damn! Constantly on the edge of the seat, taking LLENN down to her final most desperate tools! Oh that was delicious.

I cannot wait to see where things go from here. We’ll see next time, in episode….Well looks like 5.5, of SAO Alt: GGO! Wait for it!

[italicwatches]

Sword Art Online Alternative: Gun Gale Online - Episode 04

Alright, back to normal. Let’s get things going. It’s Sword Art Online Alternative: Gun Gale Online, episode 04! Here we GO!

-We begin with LLENN in that suitcase, and her wild panicky attack on these pros, using explicit game mechanics bullshit against their real-world experience! And LLENN gets the word that they won the fight. They did it! She’s moved to giddy tears, thrilled beyond belief…

-As people watch it all, and marvel at her crazy tactics. It’s down to three teams…Who will survive???

-Opening!

-So when she meets back up with M, LLENN wants to know how the hell he pulled that shit off, that crazy plan and that whole route they pulled to make it work…Oh, that? He just has a really good sense of direction and geography. Is that where the M in your name comes from? Is it short for Map, or Mapper?

-…You know what, sure.

-And then the next scan comes in, and LLENN realizes they’ve got a guaranteed medal already. But that doesn’t mean they’re done. Two other teams. One in the desert wastes, one a lot closer but with a good position…And they’re coming up on the one hour mark, too. What happens at the one hour mark…?

-So thus begins the long hike towards the closest team. It’s a full on run for M, but LLENN is barely even jogging despite those tiny little legs, humming a cheerful tune. But of course she is. She’s already earned herself a prize. Everything after this is just gravy. But then, M slams down immediately, the enemy is on them!

-LLENN drops just in time for Bullet Lines to pass over her head…But how, how did they get them so fast?!

-Vehicles. They got hold of a bunch of mini hovercrafts, and have taken over this lake!

-Episode 04! “Death Game”

-And with our heroes stuck on the coastline in the open, it’s a desperate effort to avoid being shot. Those hovercrafts are making this real difficult. Capable of not just sea travel, but flat land, the smooth coastline is perfect ground for their use…M wouldn’t be able to get to the treeline and block line of sight.

-So what’s the plan? M’s going for a desperation play, as he cracks open that huge backpack…And unfurls a PORTABLE WALL! He’ll pick them off! Of course, they focus in on him, seeing his plan, and ignoring LLENN with her tiny P90…But that’s their risk! LLENN, fire, fire! Pour it on! And pour it on she does, forcing them to pull back out of their engagement range…

-Giving M room to work. His portable wall can take up to 7.62mm rounds without flinching, and they don’t have anything better. Similar concepts exist in real life, but this one is a fictional example made of alien metals, the strongest material class in GGO. It cost him a fucking absurd amount of money…And now that they saw how strong it is, they’ll likely pour on full force.

-So it’s your turn, LLENN. Get in, serpentine, watch for their Bullet Lines. You need their full attention!

-The boat team chooses a sickled pincer strike, intending to loop around and come in from behind on both sides…And in a flash, LLENN draws their attention, beginning the desperate sprinting! M slows his breathing, steadies himself…and squeezes the trigger. First man down.

-Second man down.

-And without being able to see his Bullet Line! Third, fourth, as they start to focus on M…But it’s not enough! Five gets winged and then drops, and lastly, six comes in at full force….But M rises to fling a deca-nade into the water, timing it to go off right when the hovercraft passes over it! It’s spilled high into the air, the pilot drops hard, and LLENN gets sent in to finish the job. …Sorry, man.

-DAKKADAKKADAKKADAKKADAKKADAKKA reload DAKKADAKKADAKKADAKKADAKKA

-I think he’s dead.

-Yeah he’s definitely dead. A prayer for the fallen. …WOO that was awesome! That sniping was awesome, M! But how come they didn’t dodge the Bullet Line?

-Because they never saw it. You only get the Bullet Line if you form the Bullet Circle by putting your finger on the trigger. So he didn’t. He aimed for real.

-A flashback, to Pito explaining a bunch of stuff to LLENN while they hunt. How the game simplifies a lot of shooting mechanics using a bunch of assistance systems, so the players are encouraged to keep playing. If they didn’t, it’d be much too hard for most people to play. But what if someone was really a good shot? Well, they’d have to learn a lot of new skills to do well…But they’d be a demon on the battlefield. Especially at range. Long distance shots are crazy hard. Time, bullet drop, wind resistance, the rotation of the earth, these all factor in.

-Back in the Now, LLENN’s putting together that M must be a proper real-world sharpshooter! And now they’re in second place…They might just be able to get that gold medal! With the hour mark coming up, M pulls out a letter, but time’s too short to read it…

-In comes the latest scan. What’s their situation? The ping sweeps over the field….And their last target is close! MUCH too close, as a bullet suddenly rips through the field, putting LLENN on the ground! She’s injured but not dead, as M snatches her up and starts running…Only to get blasted in the leg! FUCK!

-Change of plans…He manages to get into one of the airboats, and they flee, as LLENN’s reeling from shock. I imagine the system dulls a lot of pain, but she’s straight up never taken a shot like that before. She’s relied on traps, cunning, ambushes and cautious play. This, this is is something else. So she manages to pop a med pack, trying to pull her head back in the game…

-While the final team watchers from a ruined house they’ve taken. They can confirm they’re only dealing with a duo…And they’re going to start moving out! Everyone load back into the truck!!!

-On the boat, LLENN is feeling like she might have cost them the game…Take a deep breath, kid, and relax. They’re still alive. They escape, they find cover, and they figure out a new plan. But how did they find them so fast…? Chances are, the game starts spawning more vehicles in as the teams drop, to encourage more mobility.

-Right now, they got lucky. If that bullet had hit LLENN just a few centimeters lower, it would’ve gone right into the heart or lungs. She’d be down instantly. They took a rough shot out of sheer desperation. And as for the shot that hit him…Well, that was a call he made. His focus was on getting her out of there, and his pack protected his most vulnerable places.

-So where are they going now…? For the Southwest desert. This thing’s running low on fuel, so they’ll have to ditch it when they get to land. Then it’s into the rocks to find cover…

-As LLENN has to keep popping medkits just to try and undo the insane damage her tiny body took from that shot. She also equips some more mags, and a couple decanades. And then there’s that letter…Which he was told to read at 15:00 exactly. But now that’s the time. So LLENN forms a guard, and he reads it…

-And pulls his pistol. …Sorry, kid. A single shot rings out, aimed right for LLENN…!

-Credits?!

-Aftercredits! LLENN dodges the first shot, the second takes off her hat, but she slams in hard, smacking his gun away…And when he tries to get it back on her, she snapped the safety on! You slipped up, M. And she’s got her P90 right on his neck. One move, she pulls the trigger. Drop the pistol. And explain, very slowly, what the hell you’re thinking.

-And, with sheer desperation…M drops to his knees, and begs for his god damned life. This is not what LLENN expected and god damn that’s a face. I’m almost tempted to use that for the screenshot instead of LLENN’s dakka. ...Almost.

MOTHERFUCK

[italicwatches]

Sword Art Online Alternative: Gun Gale Online - Episode 03

Oh bother, I have ants coming up through the foundation again. Guess it’s back to the kitchen and the iPad setup while I wait for the bug spray to dry so I can do another check. But even in times of crisis, anime must go on! It’s Sword Art Online Alternative: Gun Gale Online, episode 03! Here we GO!

-We begin exactly where we left off, with LLENN learning about the Squad Jam. Which she misheard as Squid Jam. Which...Well, her mind goes to the spread. My mind goes to Splattoon. I think mine’s better.

-Anyways, yeah it’s a battle royale format. And Pito was excited, to say the least.

-Opening!

-Episode 03! “Fan Letter”

-So, as Pito and LLENN worked on a little plan of theirs, they talked more about the specifics of the Squad Jam. As well as the Bullet of Bullets tournament seasons, where there was an interesting twist of two players squadding up to get to be the last two standing and decide from there.

-Someone here in Japan saw this live, and got the idea to make a formal squad tournament format. The idea got sent to ZASKAR, the company that runs GGO, and the guy who saw it even put up money to sponsor the whole thing himself it’s the author isn’t it. It’s the SAO Alt GGO author’s fictional counterpart.

-“Well, he’s a gun freak and a novelist. This is what you get when those things are combined.” Yeah it’s the author.

-But it worked. The first Squad Jam is a mini tournament, a testbed to see if the idea can fly, and I’ll point out that’s how we got Fortnite.

-Anyways, they already had a lot of signups at this point...But LLENN wasn’t that interested. At least until Pito straight up told her to join in. Pito, sadly, couldn’t join in herself because of real-world commitments...But she wanted to see LLENN push as far as she could!

-Of course, lacking a teammate would be a problem...But Pito knew a guy. Bit of an oddball, but good guy. And Pito also got the sense that...Well bluntly, LLENN needs this. That the girl’s dealing with something in the real world, and comes to GGO as an escape.

-Pito knew it all too well, being the same way. And that’s why she wanted to push LLENN into the tournament...And then their trap went off! A big monster had spawned in and eaten a fat explosion to the head, raging against their wall of gunfire!

-So in the real world, Karen ended up talking about it to Miyu and, sidenote, she’d picked up an airsoft P90. Which is just hanging on her coat rack.

-Actually, a lot of little details of LLENN slipped into her life. She even had a keychain of her pink P90 hanging on her bulletin board. And anyways, Miyu thought, plain and simple, that Karen should go for it.

-The one problem was that the 1st was the same day as that concert they were thinking of going to...Of course, that obviously would come to not happen.

-Karen ended up doing a bunch of research into it. Interestingly, the Squad Jam has a distinct setup from your more typical battle royale format, where you actually get to take your personal gear in with you beyond cosmetics. I’m more used to the PUBG/Fortnite model of going in bare handed and white knuckled. There’s also the radar system, and a fully randomized spawn instead of the plane/bus format.

-Anyways, later in the month, Karen passed by those gaggle of schoolgirls again, which just put a mess of anxiety and frustration into her system...And then learned they couldn’t get the tickets. So that secured it. She was going to pour all of her anger into the Squad Jam, and fucking murder some people.

-So that night it was into the game to meet up with Pito, who was very eager to see her do this. While they waited for her friend, they went over the core rules. Full friendly fire, and ten minutes of corpse persistence. And, the sneaky trick...That the scanners would only show the team leader.

-Which LLENN could immediately see the uses of...But of course, the team leader isn’t the singular lynchpin of the team, either. Everyone’s entered in ranks. Leader’s at the top, when they go down, number 2 becomes the new leader, down the line.

-So, there’s our core rules for how the Squad Jam works. Also, the team leader holds sole control over resignation. And also also LLENN would be the team leader for their strategies!

-And that’s when the biggest man LLENN had ever seen stepped into the room. Meet M. Pito then immediately bounced, leaving them stuck together in the room alone.

-At least M was as nervous as LLENN, and that helped bond them some. But also, Pito barely gave LLENN any information...

-So it was to the training field, where M ran LLENN through a mess of tests just to see how well she could use her stats, follow orders, and respond to changing circumstances. Also being Sonic.

-And how to work with his vintage battle rifle, set up to intermediate and long distances. M’s, by the way, a gun freak, and takes the game very seriously.

-There was also the question of why she was the team leader...Because he had a plan. And it all relied on being able to use an incredibly fast, small, hard to hit target as the centerpoint of attention.

-Cut to Karen’s place, where she was writing a fan letter to Elsa the singer while listening to her music. Where she admitted a lot of her problems, her height complex and the way it fed into her anxiety...All the things you can’t tell the people who know you, but you can get out in this letter that will be lost in the crowd.

-She wrote it all out, and sent it...

-And then there came the day. February 1st. The first ever official Squad Jam! Which even included a side event where you could bet on total shots fired in the tournament for a nice fat prize pool.

-So LLENN and M locked in, ready to see how far they could go...They kitted up, locked in, and M also gave her a combat knife just in case. A vicious tool for someone so small and fast, especially in a game with such accurate locational damage. Which M spoke of with a lot of terrifying authority.

-And you know how that first match went.

-Credits!

Huh. I’m starting to wonder more about who M is, now...From episode one I just figured he was a serious styled player, but he knows a lot of little details that aren’t in the core mechanics of GGO, and not warm and fuzzy details either...

Perhaps we’ll learn more next time, in episode FOUR of SAO Alt: GGO! Wait for it!

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Sword Art Online Alternative: Gun Gale Online - Episode 02

Okay, let’s get into this a little deeper. It’s Sword Art Online Alternative: Gun Gale Online, episode 02! Here we GO!

-It’s July 2025. We come in on Karen, who’s been attending university in Tokyo for the last three months. She thought things might change, but…They’re not. She’s still awkward, and shy, and taller than any of the other women in her classes. She’s still having no luck finding a job, and spending her days going from apartment to school to apartment if she goes out at all.

-A gaggle of schoolgirls pass by, and Karen can’t help but be deeply envious of the tiny adorable things. Made all the more real when she tries to walk past, and cracks her head on a hanging sign. The pain is real.

-Opening! Which, the more I watch it it’s very interesting how much…*fulfillment[i] they wrap into the game environment. This is very clearly a space where not just Karen/LLENN, but a lot of the people around her, find themselves.

-August. Karen went back home for the summer break. With nothing better to do, she ended up getting curious about VR games after seeing a news report on the new, next-gen hardware made to simplify the VR connection and block off a lot of the safety problems with the SAO-era gear. And something about the idea grabbed her…

-Which is how she ended up snaring an old acquaintance to learn about the things…An acquaintance who was, of course [i]very* eager to tell her everything about her passionate hobby.

-She got the gear, and a copy of Alfheim Online, and settled in to try it back at her place….And it was in! She picked the name LLENN for the first time, went through the creation process….

-And became a tall, graceful elf.

-She was NOT into that. At all. It freaked her out so bad that she actually tripped the safety sensors and got forcefully logged out.

-And learned from said acquaintance, Miyu, that the whole system automatically creates characters for you…She could try again, or try shifting her account to a different game in the same engine. Which is not how game design works, but, you know what, okay. So Karen tried something else…

-And again and again, her characters kept being big. Racing game? Tall sexy racer. Flight game? Thicc pilot. Sci-fi game? What a halloween store would call “Sexy Chilled Alien” because it’s off-brand Frieza race. Fantasy games? A buff-ass barbarian queen and a…I think they’re going for orc there but the Western and Eastern ideas of ‘orc’ have diverged so fucking far it’s hard to tell. Sexy mermaid. And finally Karen was just pushing on through sheer god damned stubbornness.

-When she stumbled onto Gun Gale Online.

-And it put her, after 37 different games attempted, as like three and a half feet tall. At that point it officially stopped mattering what the game was about. It officially stopped mattering what kind of crazy mechanics she’d have to learn. All that mattered was being a tiny adorable waif of a girl for the first time since she was a child. The identity of LLENN ended up filling her heart that day…

-And then she did the tutorial. And got to learn that her true LLENN was in a shooty shooty game and being taught by a dominatrix drill sergeant. This was not what LLENN planned on doing on this day. She learned of the two core gun types, laser guns and slug throwers.

-Side diversion! This is actually an interesting thing to be using in a representation of an online shooter, because shooters tend to divert into two key types of handling their bullets; Some games(or even some guns in games that use both) use hitscan, where at the moment you squeeze the trigger it instantly draws a straight line and sees where it hits, while others use projectile based systems where a bullet is actually spawned and sent at high speeds with physics and time applying. Both of these are entirely valid systems, but which one you’re dealing with has strong implications for higher level play.

-But here in Gun Gale Online, another core difference was put into play; namely, laser guns(or as they call them, optical guns) could be defended against by energy fields. Live ammo’s a different story.

-So LLENN got to learn about the Bullet Line, the singular warning sign that an attack is imminent. She got to shoot her first gun, and learn about the system’s Bullet Circle idea to model the randomness of bullet spread…Which would be fine if LLENN could keep the fucking pistol steady enough for the Circle to stay in a single place.

-She got to try pistols, and sniper rifles, and submachine guns…And at least the submachine gun was vaguely suited to her skills.

-Cut to September. LLENN’s decided to stick with the game. Because being this tiny adorable figure was just too good to give up. She ended up doing PvE, just learning the systems. The whole time she was playing solo, just thrilling in the experience of being LLENN…But she hit a bit of a problem.

-A distinct lack of cute and adorable outfits in this grim serious game. …On the other hand, they had a color palette system. So she took her drab green military garb, and turned it BRIGHT PINK. She even had her optical gun done! And hearing comments from other players, was enough to keep her playing…

-Until one day she was out in the field, had set up a trap for some monsters, and put on some tunes while she relaxed. It’s at this moment that I realize they keep using the same artist name, so I have to imagine that one Elsa Kanzaki is either a really neat reference I don’t get, or going to be relevant. Either way, I should probably note it.

-She could eat cookies and drink tea as much as she wanted, with no worries of calories…But, this trap she set up was in a free-for-all area. And another group of players spawned in. She considered running, or logging out, and ultimately ended up hiding…Not noticed…Her trap went off, and in a panic, she raced in and started firing wildly!

-That whole time, she’d been cranking her SPD stat through the roof with her XP, needing it to deal with giant monsters solo…And so she tore through the three in a flash…When LLENN had enough time to stop and think, and notice that her pink outfit was actually almost the same color as the sunset-lit desert sands…

-Within a few weeks, people were talking about the Pink Devil in chat. A PKer who operates the desert field, ambushing anyone who gets close…A tiny, speedy little demon with two submachine guns.

-Because, indeed, LLENN had thrown some currency into a pair of live-ammo guns, and had turned the desert into her domain to roam freely in, to run far and wide on her tiny tiny legs…

-Until one day, someone caught her and put a gun to her head. A woman in all black, who liked the Pink Devil’s style…Enough to not shoot her. To think the infamous Pink Devil was so teeny and adorable. And she offered a trip back into town to get some tea, since this game didn’t have anywhere near enough female players…

-That was how LLENN met Pitohui, or Pito. Who, true story, added those tattoo cosmetics to her face to reduce how many guys were hitting on her in the game. And played GGO since launch day. While LLENN had only been in for about three months at this point.

-Pito found her more than interesting enough to send her a friend request, and the two ended up in an obscure shop in the corner of town, with rare drops from the PvE segment…Which is how LLENN found her P90, a hot new arrival sitting on the shelf for mere minutes. She bought it right then and there…And with Pito’s encouragement, she named it.

-P-chan. She named that gun P-chan. And let me tell you there is nothing that has made me laugh quite so hard as LLENN enthusiastically saying she’ll do her best to kill lots and lots, while the swelling meaningful-moment music plays.

-Anyways, she and Pito became a squad, and would go hunting and PKing a lot. But aside from having enough real-world money to keep dropping premium currency on fancy shit, LLENN barely knew anything about Pito.. She barely ever listened to music, didn’t watch a lot of movies…And of course LLENN still had lots of anxiety about any talk of real life.

-So Pito ended up putting down a challenge. Take her down in the PvP mode one day, rookie. Get a kill on her, and she’d made sure they could meet in real life. Take that challenge and live up to it. And LLENN was fired up about it, as they made a woman’s promise!

-January came, and they celebrated together in the game. And LLENN learned about the new battle royale mode, the Squad Jam…

-Credits!

I did not expect this much feels from my cute-girls-shooting-cute-guns anime.

[italicwatches]

Sword Art Online Alternative: Gun Gale Online - Episode 01

So, hey. Funny story. True story!

I’ve never actually sat down and properly watched any SAO stuff through. I missed the initial wave of enthusiasm over the first half of the first arc, and then the opinion turned on it so I just kinda never got into it.

But I’ve heard nothing but good things about this one. So let’s see how I like it. It’s Sword Art Online Alternative: Gun Gale Online, episode 01! Here we GO!

-We begin with lines of code, and a bit of exposition about the fate of VR games, over just barely legally distinct shots of classic gaming. We’ve got the NES light-gun classic Wild Gunman, we’ve got Space Harrier from the much beloved Sega lineup, an early 3D fighter in the wave of Virtua Fighter, an FPS that I can’t recognize the exact vintage of, and then, the VR games.

-Oh, right, the actual exposition! So uh someone made VR games safe again and now there’s a bunch of lock mechanisms to prevent SAO from happening again. There’s one popular one, a ferocious firefighting game…Gun Gale Online! Through the waste’s central city, a cloaked figure runs, as the game cheerfully announces a team battle royale tournament will be starting, the Squad Jam!

-Which, of course, has everyone intrigued…As we see a pair who’ve entered. A big, tough military man…And a tiny girl in bright pink with a rabbit hat. She wasn’t sure she gonna enter if she could get tickets to the big concert…But that didn’t happen, so fuck it, time for war! They’ll stand together, her and her gun P-chan! It’s a P90. A pink P90.

-Opening! Which gives us some solid confirmation that the cloaked figure was our little pink bun, and also that she is fast. Like, Ruby from RWBY fast.

-And we’re back! The rounds begin, and our duo immediately find themselves shunted into the battlefield, in the woods! The big man crouches down…And our little pink cutie doesn’t even bother, because she’s big-man-crouching height while fully standing. So they’re deep in the woods for this match, which is…Not ideal. He’s a long-range sharpshooter who benefits from clean sightlines, and she’s…I mean, she’s in bright pink. Which is how she gets a cloak again to cover up, and he gets out the map to take a look…

-So, here’s the good news. M can confirm that they’re at least a kilometer away from any opponents, and that they’re close enough to the North-Eastern corner of the map that they can pretty much ignore those directions entirely. Which leaves a question: Straight line, or to the center?

-Straight line. Due South. The pair get moving, and the contrast between the two is more obvious with every movement. M carries a huge pack of supplies, while our pink bun is rocking the bare minimum kit. He’s a sharpshooter, her P90 is a submachine gun meant for close-quarters. You get the idea.

-It’s not long before they start hearing gunfire, and M pegs it as 5.56 rifles. Mid-close range gear, and he catches the direction. Sounds like two other teams got stuck in a firefight. They’ll need to be careful on approach…And so he lets LLENN take the lead, feeding her specific directions as she moves deeper into the woods…

-LLENN is freaking out a bit, enough that she misses the a tree branch and trips right on her face…But her path takes her to the edge of the woods, and he finally has her lock down! She’s a full 300 meters ahead of him at this point…And that’s what he’s banking on. The system’s going to start pinging team locations soon. But those locations are tagged to the team leader, not every individual player. Pushing her out like this ensures that she can be a cat’s-paw and bait. Draw in targets into his line of fire, while peppering anyone she can on the move…

-Speaking of, she spots some targets on the far side of the city! Looks like a team of at least five. Well armed, taking up cover in a wrecked building. LLENN starts freaking out, but she’s way too far away for her P90 to do anything useful…But then M spots them on the scanner, confirming her report. He can also tell they’re at least 200 meters away from her. You’re pretty safe. Just take a breather and don’t do anything rash—

-And that’s when the bright red lines of laser sights all center onto LLENN. …SO that’s not great. She’s in their sights! LLENN barely has a chance to dive before all of the guns start firing…And though she’s freaking out, M keeps his cool. Those are machine guns. 7.62 class, generic-ass scrub machine guns, for the most part. Stay behind cover! And wait.

-The whole team, the All-Japan Machine Gun Lovers squad, pours it on…Until one of them takes a bullet to the back, and drops in a spray of red pixellation! DEAD! Then another takes two to the chest and head, and finally their apparent leader drops to a headshot! They were so focused on forward, that they got picked off from behind…

-Which leaves M to skulk his way forward. This is what M was banking on. He saw a second team in engagement range, and took the coin flip. Either they’d focus on you and get shot in the back, or they’d spot the other team…And then he’d shoot them in the back. He tosses her a spotting scope, and lines up a shooting position. And you used her as a decoy?!

-Yup.

-…Well shit.

-So, take a look. Those two are the only ones left out of the team, and are wide open…So they should shoot them? Nope. For now, observe. Focus on the team engaging now. There are four…But look at how efficiently they’re moving. They probably have spotters up in a building feeding them directions. Snipers ready to pick off anyone who engage. Those two are going down, and it’s only a question of how long it takes.

-It takes about ten seconds. So now they take out this super military team, right?!

-No. They’d disengage with only one down, and know exactly where he is. Now focus…There! See that arching building? And LLENN looks, and sees a man rappelling down the side! Two of them! But…Whoa.

-M can confirm, they’re not moving with the in-game skill. He’s done it himself, it’s not anywhere near that fast.

-These guys are just using raw physics. They know how to actually rappel, and are using the engine’s lack of risk to tear down the side at full speed. They’re not dealing with some fun weekend gamers, LLENN. These are legit operators. Police, coast guard, or maybe even JSDF soldiers. They’re people who aren’t here to do something they can’t do in the real world…They’re people here to do what they know how to, without consequence.

-LLENN calls bullshit. That should be cheating! There’s no rule against it. And for all the differences between GGO and real life, it makes a lot of sense to use a tournament environment as a test of their more core skills. So how do they proceed?

-An open fight with them is impossible. …Well shit. So, LLENN, how much do you trust your luck? She, she trusts it! Good.

-Here’s the plan. They’ll hold for the next scan ping. If it looks how he expects, they’re going to make a move. All that gunfire should draw attention. They’ll use it, and bolt down the highway for the residential area. When the scan comes in, seven teams are already down, leaving 16 in this map…And there are three teams moving for the pro group they watched!

-Lucky day. That’s going to keep all four teams well occupied. Time to move.

-It’s not long before the battle starts…And when that happens, LLENN is sent as the forward, getting the chance to RUN!

-Holy shit that’s fast.

-She can’t help but wonder if she’s being used as a decoy. Again. Despite, technically, being team leader. This is bullshit!

-Back in the firefight, where some poor bastard crawls out from under a car, desperately filling his HP with a health kit…Only for his attempted regroup call to end in a guy from one of the other teams peppering him full of holes I mean red dots. …And then that guy gets swiss cheesed for standing out in the open. There’s a dedicated team doing the sweepup style work for easy victories, one of the joys of large scale battle royal…

-Which is about when a mess of grenades gets dropped on their heads. And that whole team is dead.

-The pro team confirms the eliminations, and discuss what to do about the duo…

-While LLENN and M finally meet up in an abandoned house, in time to check the next scan. Eight teams down. Everyone squabbled over the good terrain in the central ruins, and that pro team’s been holding their own…While the scan shows nobody in their area. They’ve got eight teams left on this map. M’s predictions and planning have gotten them this far, so what’s the plan now?

-Two teams in the forest, trying to get the drop on each other. This third team will probably end up forcing a mass engagement. Over by the spaceship, this one team has some solid territory, so they’ll almost certainly stay put. And there’s no telling what these two will do…This group near the ruins are holding so close to good territory, but aren’t going in, so something’s up there.

-So the real big question is this pro team. The thing to ask is, are they here to win, or to improve? If they’re looking to hone their skills, they’ll be wanting to force matters into an engagement. They’ll come pursuing.

-Which means they need to have a plan ready. And M’s cooking something up that’ll fit LLENN’s abilities perfectly…

-While the pro team confirm that nobody else went for the residential area. Thus begins their hunt into that area, as they approach, getting there in time to await the next scan….Which shows the team being right in front of them, only 80 meters ahead! But no signs visually…They move carefully, in a full team, looking up and down at the scan point…

-With no sign, they get into a cross formation at the intersection, trying to figure things out, as the spotters try to put something together…The core team list off everything they can see, but…There’s nowhere the target could go. It’s just an empty shopping cart, some ruined road, and an old suitcase…

-A…Suitcase? The spotter looks, sees the size of it…SHOOT THE SUITCASE! But it’s too late! LLENN leaps up from underneath it! But it’s too late, as she starts pouring lead on, sprinting forward! Her tiny, tiny frame fit inside the luggage, and she’s able to take one out and get behind his body! Corpses remain as locked physics objects, indestructible within a Squad Jam.

-And she’s so tiny that she can hide behind it on the ground, taking down a second and third! When the last man in the field goes for her, she leaps right past him, gets in close, and just squeezes the trigger until he drops!

-Leaving five and six to casually decide they’re done. She’s too far outside of normal human limits to be useful. They got what they could get. Quit? Quit. They resign, and their bodies just drop.

-When it’s all over, a whole crew of girls are watching, awed by what LLENN pulled off…And we see who LLENN is on the outside, the tall, graceful Karen-san. Who’s a little embarrassed at all this attention.

-Credits!

okay this is looking really, really fun. Does anyone else suddenly kind of want to play a battle royale game? Is that normal? Anyways, we’ll have to see how Karen’s career in this game goes next time, in episode TWO of SAO Alt: Gun Gale Online! Wait for it!

[italicwatches]

The Good Place, season 2 - Episode 12

Fuck. Me. Running. When I find the man that invented opening stores for Black Friday on Thanksgiving day…Well, that bastard better be somewhere deep in the Bad Place. Anyways, it’s The Good Place, season 2, episode 12! Here we GO!

-And we cut right in with the whole team, as Michael lays out the simple idea that the soul is as mutable and changeable in the afterlife as in the duringlife. These four became better, again and again and again. It certainly doesn’t prove what they were like on Earth…

-But that’s not the point. What it proves is that their time on Earth is not a sufficient metric by which to judge them. Hundreds of millions, hundreds of billions, have been wrongly condemned for behaviors they still have the potential to change!

-Damn, even Gen is impressed. That’s not easy.

-Chapter 26!

-So as all this debate continues, Eleanor and Tahani get to talk about what they both went through. Tahani admitting how she slipped into her old patterns…Until she realized how it wasn’t worth it. She told them about eating cheetohs, and then she was gone.

-And Tahani also realized something else. She only got this far, only became able to stand for herself instead of all of that mess, because of Eleanor and the others. Without them, she’d still deserve to go exactly into the Bad Place.

-Even Jay realizes how crazy this has all been…And that’s when Janet decides she needs to talk and she loves him. She’s needed time to process that and she had that time and she loves him. Whatever happens, she needs to put that on the board.

-Which leaves Chidi…To march right up and just kiss Eleanor full on the lips and quit letting himself get in his own fucking way. Hot, diggity, dog.

-And then Michael and Gen comes back, and here’s her plan. You’ll each get a Medium Place, like Mindy, as an isolated holding chamber while they figure out the legal ramifications. Each, on their own.

-…Nope, those both suck. Try again.

-So, Gen lays it out. One, you all didn’t pass her moral tests right now. Two, she’s pretty sure you only improved because you thought you were in the Good Place, not because you were honestly improving. “You’re supposed to do good things because you’re good, not because you’re seeking moral dessert.”

-Michael’s argument, of course, is that they so consistently strived to be better, every single time they had enough time to do so. There was not a single loop where they got worse, or even stayed the same for any length of time. All they ever needed, was…

-A push in the right direction.

-And Gen realizes what he set upon. This is madness. But, do they have any other options on the board? ..Fuck it, they’ll do it!

-Do what? What is happening here. WHAT IS GOING ON HERE—

-Snap?!

-And Eleanor wakes up.

-…With her grocery cart.

-Back on Earth.

-To five minutes before she died. Back to before the zero point. But as that set of carts comes rolling for her, she’s yanked out of the way by a figure, who’s gone as fast as he was there…

-And she really, truly realizes, she almost died. So by the time she gets back to her shitty apartment with her terrible roommates, and tells them how she was so close to meeting truck-kin. And they both give about…half of a quarter of a fuck to give, at most. And after all of it, she realizes it.

-She realizes she’s hit rock bottom. And, maybe it’s the near death experience. Maybe it’s these weird feelings lingering. But whatever it is, things have to change. She ends up going into her trashed up room, cramming things into bags, and getting it clear enough to dig out her laptop, sit down and work. She puts a big post onto Facebook, saying how she wants to change…And the first reaction is to assume she got hacked.

-The next day, she goes into that shitberg medicine hawking job, and quits. And they do not give a single fuck, as she fights her way through the badness, and even comes to apologize to the environmental guy outside the grocery store.

-And she ends up talking to him for a while…And that’s how she ends up with a new job.

-While back at HQ, Michael and Janet are watching their four experiments…And Michael is ecstatic at Eleanor’s ticker tape. She’s on the right track.

-With each morning, she gets better. She fights her old impulses. She learns how to, bluntly, give a fuck about something, and it changes her, real and deep.

-It’s not that long before she’s sitting in a restaurant with her roommates, and admits she’s shifting to a vegetarian diet. Something more sustainable. …And wow, her friends are terrible, and Eleanor realizes…She’s got to come clean about the whole Dress Bitch thing. Which, of course destroys the friendship in two seconds.

-So that’s how she ends up in a new place. Ends up fighting through the hard part of doing right. The parts where you get punished for taking the hard route. The parts where I’m sorry that is a day-old slice of pizza in her toaster.

-And one day, she ends up bumping into a car when trying to find parking. And leaves her number.

-And the woman sues her. Claiming whiplash.

-For a bump where she was not in the fucking car when it happened.

-And Eleanor’s shitty roommate, stuck with her after their rich bitch friend kicked them both out, can only laugh at how Eleanor’s attempts to be good have fucked them over so thoroughly.

-Back in HQ, Michael is displeased at this stagnation. It’s hurting his case something fierce…

-And indeed, the environment guy comes to Eleanor’s place and what the fuck happened to you? But cue her roommate who got tickets to, and I quote, “Taylor Splift, the Taylor Swift reggae cover band”. And so Eleanor has to lay out how her attempts to be better fucked her over. Why should she try to be better?!

-Because, you, feel, better about yourself when it’s done.

-But, she slips. She can’t do it. And that’s how she ends up back with her old dirtbag boss at his new gig, teaching people how to start up pyramid schemes.

-Back in HQ, Michael and Janet are struggling, trying to figure things out. But he realizes the core problem. She needs a better environment. How the hell can he give her a better environment…

-So that’s how Eleanor ends up drunk in a bar, a straight year after her near-death experience and on her birthday. Right back in the same slump she was in before.

-And a certain bartender look it’s Michael. Michael’s tending bar and he offers her a chance to talk it all out. They end up there for the entire night as Michael works on his tending skills, and Eleanor ultimately vents about how….How she got fucked over for doing good.

-Your moral dessert. …You know, he had a friend who talked about how, whenever she did something she knew was wrong, she’d get that little voice telling her no, don’t do it, it’s wrong. And the biggest thing she got from doing good? It wasn’t awards, or praise. It was the simple, honest awareness that that little voice could settle down.

-“Your friend sounds like she’s one pickle short of…a…a pickle party.”

-She’d always been a little rough around the edges…But she had a good heart. And she made him a much better man, when she followed her conscience. Drinks are on him tonight. But…Try thinking about that conscience. And ask yourself a simple question. “What do we owe each other.”

-The next morning, Eleanor wakes up with a hangover, and Michael slips back into HQ…And Eleanor, when she’s back on her feet and when Facebook shows her that post from a year ago, can’t get that sentence out of her head. So she ends up googling it. Finds the book. And finds Chidi’s lecture on it posted up to youtube.

-And she ends up spending the whole day, watching Chidi’s lectures, on and off. And his ideas…They resonate. They’ve always resonated, time and time again.

-And that’s how she ends up on a plane. And how something, something she can’t understand but can’t deny, draws her there. To the university where he teaches. To his office. To be standing right in front of a man that she hasn’t been able to get out of her head since she saw him.

-Michael sees that moment…And all he can do is smile. The one single linking factor in all of the reboots in his neighborhood, was Eleanor finding Chidi. And now…Now it’s time for things to get interesting.

-Credits!

God DAMN. DAMN damn damn. They keep flipping the script on me. And we haven’t even touched on the fate of Jay or Tahani! Jeeeez. This show. This fucking show.

I can only imagine what season 3 will hold.

But after all that, it’s time to get back to anime. Something…Uh, actually I don’t know what yet I’ve got like three things to pick between and I’m too hungry to say something pithy WAIT FOR IT

[italicwatches]

The Good Place, season 2 - Episode 11

Okay. I am fed, I have done all of my Thanksgiving shopping prep, my house is full of food for the rest of the week, and my feet are killing me. I have finally caught us up on both platforms by outright skipping a day Tumblr-side, so now, all together, let’s see what happens. It’s The Good Place, season 2, episode 11! Here we GO!

We begin in an empty, silent room…And then there’s four people’s worth of screaming as the whole crew comes flailing out of one of the portals, and Chidi wants to know what happens to the vomit he expelled in that portal, does it just float out there forever? Is someone going to run into it? And WHERE IS MICHAEL?

-…Michael’s…Michael’s not coming. He was short a badge, the suits were coming, so he slammed his onto Eleanor and threw her in. The last thing she saw was Shawn getting his hands on him…

-And the portal seals up behind them. They’re doing this solo. Whatever’s going to happen, they’re going to make it happen. And…There’s a desk in front of them. A desk, with a burrito on it. And nothing else.

-And Jay suddenly wonders if the burrito is the Judge. Which, on the one hand, sounds weird. On the other hand, name one limit to the weirdness they’ve seen that stops short of “all-knowing burrito”. …So that’s how Eleanor finds herself introducing herself to a wrapped foodstuff.

-Which, I’m gonna be real, is not what I expected when I started this series way back when.

-Also it turns out that this is not the Judge, this is the Judge’s lunch. And the Judge is awfully…Casual.

-Chapter 25!

-And then she learns that they pulled a sneaky. And she’s kind of into Chidi. But also, some casual clothes, we learn the portals seal up entirely until she issues a judgment when there’s a case afoot, and also that she is not true omniscient and also she can’t hear the case goodbye.

-…No.

-Also the Judge is really into Tahani’s accent.

-Anyways, she she’s willing to hear them out because, real talk, she is bored. Let’s do it!

-Meanwhile, Shawn has dragged Michael back to his office and what went wrong, Michael? How did you fuck up your one job and betray them all?!

-Oh, give it up, Shawn. You don’t actually care. Besides, they’re in front of the Judge right now, so it’s out of your hands…And as for Janet, you’ll never find her.

-Bad Janet found her and marbled her off screen.

-FUCK

-YOU MONSTER

-Back to the Judge. She’s going to give each of them an individualized test…And Eleanor immediately wants to stand with her crew. They only got this far together. They succeed together, or fail together. …That is such a bad plan, Eleanor, but okay.

-So who’s first? Jay. In front of you is a game loaded with Madden 18. You have to play against the Jaguars, using their fiercest rivals, the Tennessee Titans. And before he even knows what he’s supposed to do, he is desperately playing the game.

-Over to Tahani’s test. We learn the Judge is named Gen, short for Hydrogen. And all she has to do is walk through this door, down the hallway, and through the red door at the end. And every single room will have someone in it discussing their true opinion about you.

-From childhood friends, to staff, to spa employees…

-Back to Michael, who’s laying everything out, and why the reboots were made. And what he found was…Ultimately, their data is wrong. The whole Good Place/Bad Place idea is based on a static idea of people, that they’re fundamentally Good or Bad and incapable of hopping to the other side. But every reboot that lasted long enough to have anything happen, had them find each other, help each other, and get better.

-And they have become good people. Shawn doubts it. And decides they’re done here, time to take Michael away.

-Back with Gen. Who has a combo test for Eleanor and Chidi. Each go into their rooms, and…

-Come out the other side of the room. Surprise, you two are good to go! Wait, what? Yeah. You two earned it through all of your tireless work. Here, have your Good Place medallions, and there’s the door. You can go whenever you like.

-So they’re excited, so very thrilled, amazed and awed, and thrilled for each other…And that’s when they learn that Tahani and Jay aren’t being tested to get in, they’re being tested to see how far down the Bad Place they’re going. They’re definitely not in. …This is your chance to cut them loose and send, guys. Now she’s gonna go finish that burrito she started in on.

-Leaving Eleanor and Chidi to figure out what to do. Theory A: This is their test. Tahani and Jay must’ve gotten the same offer in those rooms, and whoever cracks first and cuts the other couple loose, loses. That would be fiendish—

-Nope, they did not. Here, she’ll show you. Tahani has to get all the way down the hallway and not be tempted by her gossiping friends and associates. Jay is just playing video games.

-…Oh.

-You have al little hot sauce on your chin.

-Technically it’s a sauce made of envy, but same deal. Thanks!

-So…Chidi’s in a real mess. If this isn’t a test, then it’s…A choice. The biggest choice in the world. The worst one ever.

-Meanwhile, Tahani’s almost to the end…When she hits the one door she can’t stop herself from opening.

-The one containing her parents. And they’re immediately talking about how much of a disappointment she is.

-Back over to Jay, who’s losing by 3 points against the Jaguars and is trying to meditate to psyche himself up for a comeback. And then he finally figures out the nature of the test! …She was very explicit and clear about it, my dude.

-Baaack over to Tahani. Who’s sitting in front of them both and is not taking this conversation well. Because the focus becomes Kamilah. Her sister. And Tahani figures it out. She finally realizes a simple, core thing that’s been eating at her, her entire life.

-She will never be enough for her parents. She will never earn their respect, never earn their praise.

-And it’s not because of anything she did, or failed to do. It’s because of them. And…Dammit, she’s been happier around Jay and Eleanor and Chidi, than she ever was trying to meet up to their impossible standards. “Eons after her own demise” might be a bit late to finally start living, but, dammit, it’ll have to do! She marches right on out of there, and doesn’t even look at the remaining handful of doors before it’s through the red one.

-Back to Michael, who learns he’s not being retired. That’s too much of a spectacle. Instead, he’s just going into a simple, unmarked, empty room, with an endless stack of New Yorker magazines as his only source of entertainment. And then…

-Bad Janet grabs Shawn, throws him into the fucking wall, and it turns out she’s our Janet! She escalated herself to being very willing to do anything to keep the crew safe, and that includes masquerading for an extended period as a very cruel Bad Janet. And even lying to Michael. And she’s not proud of that, but it worked dammit!

-And she is very tired of being bad so…Wait, Shawn’s still conscious. BOOM kick! Okay now she’s tired of it.

-Back with Eleanor, she’s just cascading through the doors to get an endless pacing thing going on and try to focus. They’ve tried contractualist arguments, Kantian, what would Superman do, what would Rihanna do, what else they got? The weirdest, oldest thing you’ve got.

-…A simple thing. Morally speaking, whatever portal they go through, Tahani and Jay experience the exact same torture. …But Chidi decides to put aside the books for a minute, because dammit, when it boils down…He doesn’t want to lose her.

-And that sinks it for Eleanor. Judge?

-Yes?

-She’s not going.

-Pardon?

-That’s not Chidi. The Chidi she knows would never argue to reward himself over someone else. Chidi’s probably in another copy room, right now, trying to get you to give one of these medallions to her.

-And then he poofs, and Eleanor gets to sit down, having passed her real test. And also that medallion is a coaster.

-So what’s Chidi’s test?

-A hat. He has to decide on a hat.

-And finally, he decides on a brown hat after an hour, and gets to leave.

-So everyone’s all lined up…And you’re all going back to the Bad Place.

-…WHY?!

-You took 82 minutes to pick a hat, Chidi! And Tahani…You ultimately failed by confronting your parents. Jay, you failed to control your impulses entirely. Eleanor’s test was about selfishness, and she—

-Eleanor failed utterly. She insists she knocked an old lady down to get to the shrimp bar when she got too hungry, and Gen doesn’t correct her. So then, ready for the portals?

-But this was really fun! And look, she made a video about their time together, to remember this! They tried, despite it all. Now eternal damnation is…

-Delayed by Michael and Janet arriving! How’ve you all been? He’s had a HELL of a time.

-Credits!

Well shiiiit.

[italicwatches]

The Good Place, season 2 - Episode 10

Well I meant to be out today, but that didn’t happen. Instead, I’ll push for tomorrow. But I at least got ready to be able to head right out. So for now, let’s do some television. It’s The Good Place, season 2, episode 10! Here we GO!

-PREVIOUSLY ON The Good Place, the crew was no longer in the fake Good Place.

-PRESENTLY ON The Good Place, the train pulls in through darkness and shadow. Chidi’s kind of not doing super great. Michael goes over the gist of the plan. Basically, there’s a neutral zone between the two Places. The Judge, the Accounting department, and the Janet warehouse are all held there. …Also, an IHOP. Inter dimensional Hole of Pancakes. Which eat you.

-The path to the portal, is in the main office in the Bad Place. The only way to open the doors, is by being of a certain ranking. Good news, Michael just got his badge that shows him as upper management. You four will lay low, while he finagles his way into getting four more. As for Janet, and I quote, “I’m luggage!“ so she’s covered.

-You’ll all get disguises, of course. Also Jay is thinking they just throw a molotov and run for it. …No! Just, just NO!

-Chapter 24!

-So we’re all in agreement that Eleanor in her disguise looks fucking amazing, right? Right. So everyone’s going to need an alias. She picks Diana Tremaine, since that was the name on her old fake ID so she’s used to answering to it. Tahani picks Rhonda Mumps, working in one of the many hot dog departments.

-Jay is now Jake Jortles, and he works in the molotov cocktail department. Of course he does. And Chidi is…

-Not doing great. He’s the only one not doing great at it. Ohhh boy. Also Tahani is trying to put on her commoner act and…I mean…She’s trying? Let’s call it trying.

-Eleanor ends up taking Chidi into the back to talk, and oh precious day she can curse again. But he’s not actually breaking, which is…a problem.

-Also Janet is done up as Bad Janet. And Jay thinks she looks super sexy that way. Which is a problem. Tahani tries to help Janet get into character and she’s really struggling with it too. Oh dear.

-Then they get there. It’s…Fascinating, actually, how they’ve picked such a specific aesthetic for the entire Bad Place. It’s, like, peak Awful Post-Victorian Smog-Filled London with just a hint of extra edge to the actual aesthetic and it is riveting.

-Out of the station, to…The Museum of Human Misery, specifically, the Hall of Low-Grade Crappiness, as the safest and most boring place to stow them while Michael figures out a plan. Also, Eleanor is worried about him but can’t show it very well.

-So what are some of the things that people earned torture for? First person to floss in an open plan office, first person to send a dick pic, first waiter to use sarcasm, first white person to grow dreadlocks and the first person to coin Ultimate Frisbee…And then that’s when a whole fucking party comes in to use the place and ohhhhh fuck.

-Meanwhile, Michael gets into the office and to Shawn’s private office, where they’ve got a new scent of Axe. Transformers. It makes you smell how those movies make you feel. So Michael presents his plan with extradition papers for the four humans. He’s going to take four trusted crew members with him up to the judge, deliver those papers, get it signed off on, grab some pancakes, then it’s back here to take the train straight to Mindy’s and snatch ‘em all up!

-And then Shawn casually dumps the papers immediately into the trash. He has a different plan.

-Back at what is now a party, Chidi is freaking out and them all being together is starting to look conspicuous. Jay, you take Chidi. Eleanor and Tahani are going thataway. Jay ends up with a shitty bagel off the hors d’oeuvre tray, and I just want to be very, very clear when I say that I hate that word now after having written it.

-Aaand then they run into someone who thinks Chidi is his old pal Trent. Chet here just got a new gig working in Toxic Masculinity, and also he calls over a bunch of his crew to meet his old bud and oh jeez this is awkward…Especially when another buddy of his needs help cracking a real dirtbag who isn’t responding much to the torture.

-Meanwhile Tahani is doing wayyyy better, and Good Janet is…I mean, she’s trying, guys. But they put her to the task of figuring out what the hell this party is.

-Back to Michael, who’s learning that Shawn remembered, “I’m a naughty bitch”. He’s sent a black-ops team in to take things into his own hands and skip the whole extradition process. Also it turns out that the museum thing? The false Good Place neighborhood is being immortalized for its wonderful success. Now settle in and watch the team get to work.

-Back to the party. Chidi is freaking out and turns to Eleanor for help. Lie, jackass, lie! Tahani can do it! But, but, but, he’ll literally be contributing to another man’s eternal torture…Sit your ass down, Chidi. Moral particularism, Chidi. Wait…Wait they never covered that. You read on your own?! “You think just because I’m a straight hottie, I can’t read philosophy for fun?”

-I mean with the glasses and the hair thing I’m a lot more inclined to agree with her than usual, won’t lie. Look, the whole idea is no fixed rules, right? That’s the whole point, right? You pick your battles based on the environment. Well…This is a crazy-ass environment. So, you lie. You lie through your god damned teeth. And you do it to survive, because one jackass going down is less of a bad than four people who’re trying to get better going down.

-He, he can’t! He can’t change his moral philosophy just like that… “And I didn’t think I would ever be at a cocktail party in literal hell, lecturing my teacher slash ex-lover about moral particularism, but life throws you curveballs, bro!” Shit, Eleanor’s getting all the good lines today. I think it’s the glasses.

-And then Chet comes to pick up his bro, while Good Janet…Learns about the exhibit. Oh this is not good.

-Meanwhile, back in the office, the team gets into Mindy’s place and Shawn gets to hear them over the walkie-talkie mode meeting Derek. Who IS Derek, you might ask? “Me is Derek. These are my wind chimes! Oh, oh ohhhh! My wind chimes like you.” And by the time Shawn turns back around, having learned of the distinct lack of our core humans in the Medium Place, Michael’s gone with an armful of stolen suit jackets. Shawn sends the others out hunting…

-While at the party, Chidi does his best to lie. And he ends up landing on…Make this jackass sit down, and read. Make him read, and read, and read, and just sit and stew. …Which is when Good Janet comes by to snare them because they have to bail. But it’s far too late, as the curtains drop, and reveal the new exhibit, all about them. No amount of sexy glasses will disguise them for long…

-Indeed, they get found by Michael, then by Shawn, and oh this is bad, this is very bad. Jay says fuck it, turns his pocket square and a bottle of liquor into a molotov, and BOOK IT

-Thus begins a full panicked flight to the portal, where they have mere minutes and Tahani, Chidi and Jay get sent through, with Janet missing and Michael down a pin and oh fuck they’re coming. …Hey, guess what. Michael figured out how you solve the trolley problem. You throw yourself over to gum up the works. He takes his pin, clips it to Eleanor, and then shoves her in as he’s being caught…

-Credits!

MOTHER FUCKER

[italicwatches]

The Good Place, season 2 - Episode 09

All I want is for rich text to copy and paste correctly. Why is that so fucking difficult?! …Anyways it’s The Good Place, season 2, episode 09. Here we GO!

-So we begin right where we left off, in the ruined husk of the neighborhood, and Michael’s trying to figure out how they get to the real Good Place from here cleanly and…um…Jay loses himself in Optimus Prime nipple fantasy. And they’ve literally never built something like this before, so he has to figure it out…Which takes time.

-Time they don’t actually have. But, okay, they’ll rush job this one. Also Michael got logged out by everything and has to log back into the system, which lets us know he has a ten-headed dog-spider named Korzoff. WORLD-BUILDING! Now, another attempt…

-And that’s a golden hot air balloon. They might just make this work…!

-Chapter 23!

-As things get prepped, they have one last round of frozen yogurt. Turns out, Jay is lactose intolerant and kept getting diarrhea. Also turns out, he’s got a cup of the stuff in his hand. Chidi is suddenly a lot less confident about spending an indeterminate amount of time in a tiny wicker basket with this man today.

-Also Eleanor misses her god damned phone. But what’s everyone else hoping for on the other side? Tahani wants some space, and of course them around. Jay wants…more frozen yogurt. Oh dear. Chidi wants an unlimited library, and people to talk to and debate. Maybe even love. …And Eleanor is sad now.

-Okay, balloon’s ready. Michael built this off of some ancient manuscripts. It flies based on self-realization. If you are the best possible version of yourself, you will be able to board. If not…Eleanor is the first one on the scale, and…

-Green light! She’s accepted. She is not all the way to being a great person, but she is on the path. Next, Tahani! Green! Jay…Green! He’s in! Chidi…Red? YUP. He’s not a bad person, he’s freaking out.

-Team meeting. Basically, Chidi is freaking out and having imposter syndrome where he’s comparing himself to all the other iterations of himself. (Most notably, the one who firmly expressed love for Eleanor.) “How do I know it’s not version number 85, or 322, or 558” “Or 69, or 420?” Gotta give Jay the low-five for that one.

-So yeah Chidi is not doing great. Eleanor has to come back and ground him. Listen. You taught all of them. You are the reason all of them got to step onto that balloon. NONE of them have the experiences from the last 800-odd versions of themselves. If they’re all the best versions of themselves, you got them there, which means you are the best ethics teacher they’ve had. The best version of yourself.

-His effect on the world around him…That’s what matters, not his self image. Right? Right. Now come on, soul weighing time.

-And indeed, when Chidi gets back on, it’s GREEN! Tahani’s green again, Jay’s green again, ELEANOR’S RED! Of course she is. Chidi’s doubts got into her head! Okay, time to fix it. Tahani this is your necklace back. She stole it the first night here. …Nope, still Red.

-The problem, being, that damn tape. Cannonball Run II is in her head. That honest version of herself…Is better than she is right now. Michael, tell her about that version.

-It was, uh, iteration 119. Kebab theme for the restaurants, you had a pet lizard. It pooped on you all the time! The relationship, Michael.

-You, uh, spent a lot of time together. Mostly just the two of you. You got really into his teachings and trying to better yourself. One time, you handed him a tissue when he was about to sneeze, and that little act of anticipating his needs made him fall for you hard. Had your first kiss out by the lake. Things bloomed from there.

-Tahani wants to just get gone and then they can come back for you when you’re sorted. …Obviously, that is a worse action and so she gets Red from the soul scale. Janet, meanwhile, believes she’s firmly the best version of herself because she is the latest update of herself. …No girl, you haven’t dealt with your romantic baggage. And so the scale just errors the fuck out.

-And now Michael is feeling guilt and he’s not liking it. “Why do you humans have so many emotions?! You only need two, anger and confusion!” And then it comes out that the balloon’s a fuckin’ lie he cobbled it up on the spot. He has literally no idea how to get to the Good Place proper and he was trying to buy time. …Well, Eleanor’s definitely angry and confused.

-He’s been buying time this whole time. The only way he can find to get into the Good Place is being a good person on Earth! He’s been trying…Hell, he was kind of hoping to just stall indefinitely! Weaken the torture more and more, get all of his crew into a comfortable rut, and make this actually a pleasant place for all of them! But then Shawn showed up and upturned the whole thing!

-So…What happens now?

-Everything they feared. The real Bad Place, retirement, etc. etc. etc.

-But, as everyone is freaking out…Eleanor starts thinking. Big thing they need right now is to breathe and clear their heads. Janet! Booze and party lights, NOW!

-So soon everyone’s getting drunk and processing things, and it’s…Messy. Tahani ends up breaking up with Jay, because she’s spent her whole life just escalating and finding authorities who could fix her problems for her and now, with him, there isn’t anyone like that except for her and all she can do is try to find her validation internally. Which is…Not easy.

-Meanwhile Eleanor is pounding down margaritas with Chidi and bone her, bookworm. She still loves you! “Here’s the thing about me. You know the sound that a fork makes in a garbage disposal? That is my brain, all the time. My brain is just constantly grinding about the things I’m afraid of, or things that I want, or want to want, or want to want to want…”

-…Fuck.

-I know that all too well, Chidi.

-Also, he wishes they’d met in a normal way, like at a conference, or after one of his lectures, or coming to his office on campus…Sidenote, if you boil out the torture part, you kinda did, guy. She came to your space to ask for help learning what you teach. BONE HER, BOOKWORM.

-Anyways drunk Eleanor calls for a toast. Whatever happens, they’ve become better people. Good people. People she’s proud to know. And Chidi calls for a toast for Michael, who has easily become the best version of himself. For all that’s gone wrong…You erred when trying to do the right thing, and admitted it. And that’s a hell of a lot better than most of humanity.

-And at the end of the day…You tried, man. You tried hard, and tried to do right by them. You are one of them. An honorary human. And they even got you a starter kit for humanity. With things like car keys, and band-aids, and a dumb corporate stress ball. Garbage with no real use, but what’s more human than that?

-So, with nothing left but to await the end, they await it with dancing, with music, and with a chance to just not think…Eventually, they’re all hanging out, when he gets a set of messages from Shawn. To shut everything down since the train is coming first thing in the morning. Also, autocorrect errors and emojis…

-When a really drunken Tahani gets a thought. She’s always gone to a manager. A manager. Michael! They need a manager! Or a, a judge! That Mindy thing! She got judged, right? Who’s the judge?

-He tried that. No-go. The Judge almost never hears cases, and the only portal to his office they can access is via the Bad Place. Like, the real proper Bad Place, not this isolated neighborhood. They’d have to go in plain sight, get through the portal, get heard out despite inappropriate methods, and then win an unwindable case.

-…Sounds like a plan. Like, okay, they fail, they get tortured and retired. They sit here and wait for the end, they get…tortured and retired. They fight back, they get tortured and retired. They succeed, they get not tortured and retired. So unless someone’s got a better idea or more wine…

-Rest deep, all. Rest well…First thing in the morning, it’s go time.

-And in the morning, the train arrives with Bad Janet…Who Michael promptly self-destructs without any of the fret of when Good Janet wanted him to. Marble! So onto the train. Time to leave this all behind. “As long as I’m with you guys, I’m always in the fake Good Place.” …Not your best speech, Michael. “…The real Bad Place, is the friends we made along the way.” Closer, still not great. One more? “In a way, the Good Place, was inside the Bad Place all along?” Technically true. It’ll work!

-Janet, hit the lever! Time to give this crazy plan a try! And off they go, as the neighborhood collapses into nothingness behind them, nothing but blackness. No way back. No chance to stay here. Nothing but forward.

-Credits!

Well god damn.