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[itgetsbetteroneday]

21

It’s very beautiful to get to a year that goes by quickly. You’re not really sure what happened this year versus the last, because it all kinda blends together. You aren’t holding your breath anymore.

I’m happy. Again. I’m not sure where along the lines, but I became a happy and new person. I’m grateful for that.

I trust in the universe. I would say now more than ever. I trust in myself. I’ve seen so much progress this year.

A full year of my first job tutoring. Starting my last year of college. It’s been beautiful. I’m learning so much, and I’m sure I’m learning things that I don’t even know about yet. I’ll see the results later.

Thank you, 21. It’s been a good run.

[itgetsbetteroneday]

The power of the middle child comes in how they’re ignored

The 19 breaths that I take, 4-7-8, then back to 4

You notice my presence only in absence when everybody has gone to war

Half my life’s words have been as a peacekeeper and peacemaker

[itgetsbetteroneday]

This whole time, I thought I was the shepherd, so why do you call me your little lamb?

All of my life, it has rained fire, but you keep me sheltered, I don’t understand

I never got why no one ever tried

So why does your love make me terrified?

When I have a bad day, you push work away,

Say I don’t have to do a thing

But love costs a leg and an arm

But love, they say, is hard

But love, I know, it takes a lot of effort

Yet when I’m burnt out, you love me better?

Why are you gentle?

Haven’t I learned how to be tough?

Why call me little?

When I’ve been asked to outgrow everyone?

Why do I feel a need to have you by my side?

I have been taught to walk alone all of my life.

And just when I accept that no one will ever show up,

I learned to save myself, and only then, fall in love.

But when they say no one completes you,

I guess that I’d have to laugh.

You have sawed me down, smoothed my edges,

Taken from my whole.

I completed myself by building these walls,

The point is you made me let it go.

When people look for their other half, they’re blind,

When you’re alone, you’re all that you find.

But when you have met the man in the mirror,

Only then, it gets to be time.

I am smaller than the day we met,

Though you have added so much purpose.

And I know that there’s lots we’ve said,

But I’m not sure that you’ve heard this.

When you call me little anything,

It always strikes a nerve.

The tiny hands that grasped a check

With blood from sacrifice and work.

I tend the lands, I work the field,

I’d do all to bring sheep home.

For the first time in my whole life,

There’s a light on when I get home.

Fires burnt fields where shepherds spend their nights,

Leading cross the rivers, before, not beside or behind.

And of all the years of tales of helping people the way you decide,

The ferry, the shepherd, and the king, but the responsibility was always mine.

When I was suffering, I still said to others, there’s hope ahead.

When I was healing, I tried to rope everyone in, but they still reached for death.

When I was finding my footing, I let it all go, you can’t bring everyone, you must accept.

You hope that they follow, to be a role model, but somebody still must lead.

And in trying to find the best way to cross, nobody ever tried for me.

The fire that burnt me should have left me scarred

But your warmth is such a relief

The water that drowned me should cause me fear

But I’m revived being pulled to my knees

The earth that has buried me countless alive

Now flourishes and it grounds me

The air that I spent years trying to give away

Is every breath that I’m grateful to take

And in all of my years of isolation and misery

I have made one mistake

It crafted you, and it crafted me, and it gave us this room for love

How could I find any misery in the same universe and stardust?

Bah, bah, little sheep, rest your little eyes

For you to be grateful, tragedy must strike

The contrast comes so beautifully when you know dark from light

Over the river and voices and the cries,

You’ve gone deaf to what it’s all for, waiting on the other side,

You forget you’re someone too, what about your life?

Little lamb, your time has come, you’ve earned your lullabies

I know you rock me to sleep, rub my back, and play with my hair

Even when I’m far gone in dreamland, disappeared

It’s the beauty of secrets, the unknown and passing time

You keep it from me, no mentioning, like the world with you and I

Did it have us planned since it began? Written in the divine?

Were you waiting for me, somewhere else longing, every night I would cry?

Across the distance, under the same moon, you still sang my lullaby

Not to be graphic, but if something happens, I ask only this of you

On this planet or on the next adventure, sing me a song to the moon

“But love was-“ no, no

Love, I am

Everybody gets it wrong

Only now I understand

Little lambs

[itgetsbetteroneday]

She laughs like birdsong

Curls falling down like a waterfall

Serene, a scene from a painting I’ve seen

One in a museum that captured me

Monet, her face lives in all my dreams

Calla lilies, like coral shooting out the sea

That kindness is everything that I could need

Tell me why I’m scared you’ll ever be… mine

[itgetsbetteroneday]

You know I adore you as the lamposts lighting my way safely home,

and when you’re the fire creating a restart because of the passion in your bones.

I love you as the candlelight so sensually we reclaim how we were born,

and as the glare of every shooting star when I wish the same wish more.

[itgetsbetteroneday]

I have brought into my home the gardens and marketplaces of many lands,

made an exhibit of our bedroom where we hide.

So you can feel as if I stroll the streets clung on to your hand,

as if the threads retreat and unloom these rugs because they see you are my pride.”

[itgetsbetteroneday]

I am scared

And I have done great things in my life scared

And I am unsure how it will turn out

And I have done everything in my life without knowing what would happen

And I am hopeful

And I have never started a new chapter with hope like this that I could have everything I want

[itgetsbetteroneday]

And every time I ask for a sign

that I will turn out fine

You repeat the same words back to me

And I have asked with apologies

For any god to forgive me

For how many times I said I’d fight them

Just incase they exist

Or whichever power does

Because all my prayers were answered

With this love

[itgetsbetteroneday]

I went to ramble on about this place

Cause you got talking about the landscape

I turned to you ready to say everything

I said I used to come here alone

Never knew one day you’d come

And I used to just think it was pretty

Nothing this big felt missing

And now I look back, notice the empty

Me and the land missed you

Now we’re here and I don’t know what to say

I didn’t know we would be here one day

And I wanted to say more but I wanted to cry

I thought I should stop, but I didn’t know why

And you stare out at the water and read my mind

The next thought I had kept for myself

You said it was like it was made for us

A long time ago, just to be a place where we’d love

You said this whole time it’s been waiting

I couldn’t believe what you were saying

I wasn’t lying when I said I thought it too,

Word for word, caught and shocked by you

It seems to happen all the time

Something tells me “shut up”

Let you read my mind

Nothing really needs to be said

It’s how it’s always went

You’re mine even when you’re gone

Cause you’re in my every sentence

[itgetsbetteroneday]

Lover’s diffusion,

Past the illusion,

That we were ever

Not in union

Cause my heart’s always beaten

One, one, one

[itgetsbetteroneday]

I wanna come back in and scream

“Fuck you! Fuck you, and I’m fucking leaving!”

“And fuck you because you got me thinking,

And if you thought of leaving, if I ever caught you cheating,

Or if I came into you hanging from the ceiling…

And because you know what, I’d be better off

Cause I don’t know you, but I know the intentions you’ve got

And I should have known better to believe in love

And actually, I was the one winning and playing and running off”

Sometimes I think I want to break your heart

Just so for once, I won’t be the broken one

Which is totally stupid because I’ve left so many in my warpath

And been so distant and avoidant, you can trace it back

And you didn’t do anything, except in my nightmares

In my daydreams where I planned out how you’d hurt me there

And then I come home, ready to fight and pry

And you are so gentle, that I just start to cry

I have never had one excuse to be mad at you

Just cause my past has a pattern, doesn’t mean it’s true

And you are not anyone that’s ever hurt me

Not everyone is gonna hurt me

Maybe you can be the first

[itgetsbetteroneday]

sweet little kitten, will you fall in love?

i’m begging you, begging you, please do

sweet little kitten, gotta know you’re enough

If anything, he’s longing for you

[itgetsbetteroneday]

Now I’ve got a life like a dream

Never used to life being what it seems

Always tearing things apart at the seams

Never can just rest and let things be

So now I’m excited what that means

If it’s still this good after my catastrophizing

If even through my black lens, it’s a dream

Is this finally a win for me?

[itgetsbetteroneday]

You HAVE to believe it is safe to love.

[itgetsbetteroneday]

I don’t know why

I ever thought life

Wasn’t meant for me

I was so sure before

But only now I see

[itgetsbetteroneday]

Every day without you is a day with me still

And that’s great

Can’t I be magical enough?

Remember when I gave up on love?

The world kept spinning

I was alone and okay

Yet you were coming anyway

No matter anything I’d say

I can’t even keep you from me

Fate happens when fate decides

And I wouldn’t like my timing

[itgetsbetteroneday]

I hold on so hard to all the things that haven’t happened yet

If I fall in love, wouldn’t that be so splendid?

Maybe I could tell you all the stories that I gained

Sorry I wasn’t grateful for all the time I spent away