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[ithinkimjustaghost]

I’m sitting in airport

Rain pouring down

And the girl who sat next to me

On the way to you

Just walked in the room

I don’t want to go home

And I’m succumbing to a plan

To make my way out

Succumbing to the truth

4:44

The universe has been speaking to me

They’ve known you were wrong for me all along

And I just couldn’t listen to

They’ve got bigger plans for me

Done succumbing to the bullshit you feed me

Like it’s all my fault

I’m the one to blame

For god damn everything

i don’t think so baby

That’s not how this works

You’ll be on your knees

Beggin me not to leave

Because you never knew

You never know

You never knew just what ya had

Until it was slipping through your fingers

I’m sitting watching the planes go by

The grey sky swirling

Wondering if I’m making the worst decision

But I’m tired of you

And the things you do

And way you treat me like I’d never dare leave

I think that’s something you need to believe

[ithinkimjustaghost]

“There is peace even in the storm” ― Vincent van Gogh See more

[ithinkimjustaghost]

The sound of crickets and tree frogs ringing in my ears

Is so nostalgic

The lump in my throat expanding

Until it rips me wide open

And I’m weeping

It keeps on coming back to me

Playing on repeat

The regrets are getting louder and louder

And I don’t know what I am doing anymore

At an impasse again and I don’t know what to do

This line…. this damn song… “A little girl who needs her daddy real bad…”

It rings on repeat when I sleep

I just want to fix this broken perception

I don’t want to be in pain anymore

And I don’t know how to stop it

It gets harder and harder

To get out of bed

To not give up

To not feel like

I ruined every possible chance I’ve ever had

And here I am

37

Working a retail job I can’t stand

Preaching beautiful words that I cannot follow myself

It’s so much easier to see for everyone else

But, I’m blind to myself

I try to take care of you

But I don’t know how to

No, not anymore

And what would you do?

If it wasn’t this life

This body

This time

How would you change it??

Can you fix it?

Will I ever feel whole again?

I’ve written endlessly about it

I feel stuck and broken

This mind

It’s killing me

I just want them all around me

To tell me that they love me

That they do no matter what

I want to shake this child inside of me

Stop this…

Just stop this…

Please…stop

I know you feel afraid

I know you feel so alone

And I keep asking you to trust me

And you resist and resist

Push me away

I feel it all in my chest

Cardiac arrest

My heart

Begging for warmth

Receiving

And rejecting

I feel like Ill break at any minute

Get in my car and just start driving

But I don’t like to be alone

And I don’t want to be here with you

I have no money

Raising you to be proper

Getting you better prepared

For the woman who finds you next

It’s just history

This allegory, big ol’  facade

It’s just the way it goes

I don’t want to be your mommy anymore

I don’t want you to act out like my daddy

I see the moments

Where you revert back

When you cry

And stomp your feet

It isn’t fair is it?

You never asked for any of this

You tell me that you’re happy

The empty bottles say otherwise

5 day binge…

tell me something honey

how do you still have legs to stand over and correct me?

From where I’m standing you’re full of words

And very little action

A little boy

Crying out for some attention

A little boy who never felt love properly

And I a little girl who feels abandoned by everyone and everything

And here we sit

Bonded by assault

Thick as thieves in jail cells

How did we get here?

Will we ever get out?

I wan to have faith in you

I want to believe you

But I know better

I know you lie to me

Because I lie to you

I know you don’t trust me

I don’t trust you

I know like me

You’re waiting for the day to come

When we recognize

We hurt more than we fly

That we are holding one another down and back

And I write this and it hurts because it’s a huge fucking lie

I know you’d bleed for me

I know you would do everything in your power to show me

But that also isn’t fully true

What is this, karma?

What did I agree to

Soul contracts?

It’s all beginning to feel like

A joke

The version of me that is just angry

Angry at my decisions

Angry at my complacency

Angry for my lack of trying

Angry…

Year to year…I feel myself soften

Try to give the benefit of the doubt

And if the epitome of unconditional love is

The knowing that I am supported

Then I know I will be forgiven

I know I will be set free

Not supposed to complain

Not supposed to anger

Not supposed to be improper

Fuck

All

Of

That

It can all be sacred

It can all be holy

God is EVERYWHERE

Everywhere.

Everywhere.

And so is the devil…

So why do you run away little boy?

What is going on inside of your mind?

What slight have I made against you this time?

Maybe one day you’ll realize

I see through it all

Those chinks in your armor grow wider and wider

And you’ve all but rusted and fallen apart

Yet you remain a titan in your mind

The mouse yelling at the elephant

I’m convinced I’m just a ghost

Listlessly wandering through these halls

Haunting you until you lose your mind

Ignore my calls

It’s just the wind howling again

It’s just your eyes playing tricks again

When you see my shadow out of the corners of your eyes

[ithinkimjustaghost]

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svenja

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‘Useless Magic’ by Florence Welch

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Supercharger Photograph: Will Eades