itisjustfei

[itisjustfei]

I know that adulthood is going to be lonely, but It gets even more lonelier that my cats decided to pass away one after another so quick. I miss my babies.

[itisjustfei]

Day 29&30: My goals for the future & write about what do you fell when you write

Long story short, it's the last day of the year in 2024, of course I'm gonna do the obv thing, ending things too.

Ga kok, sebenernya gw ga se sentimental ini mengenai tanggal, tidak ada hari baik atau hari buruk, hanya perasaan kita yg membuatnya demikian (ajigile).

Kepikiran aja sih, ini challenge harusnya diabisin idealnya 30 hari secara berturut-turut kan, tp karena gw terlalu mageran dan most of the time sering kelupaan, jadi stretching begini sampe 3 tahun.

Gw memanfaatkan kegabutan dan hari di peujung tahun ini untuk memebreskan salah satu hal yang seharusnya harus beres sejak lama.

so here we go. i'ts going to be a lenghty one.

A goal?

Sejak kapan hari, I don't put too much expectations, not even to myself, diri ini terlalu inconsintent to put any believe on, lately, I've been trying to go with the flow, tapi with a set of goal that I've been keeping, so maybe I'll keep the goal just the same in the future, kaya big ideas aja, nothing to specific, tapi seenggaknya di tahun ini, gue jadi tahu or at least realizing what I wanted, mulai berencana apa yang harus gw lakukan untuk mencapai goal itu dan apa yang sebaiknya gue hindarin.

hal yang ingin mungkin akan dibahas adalah goal untuk memulai hal baru. tahun ini beneran merosot banget, for example, di 2022 gw baca 8, di 2023 2, and 2024 big old ZERO. Ditahun ini, gw jga tidak ingat having any new hyperfixation over something.

Gue memulai sangat banyak di 2024, Can't count them, IDK who to blame tbh, setengah tahun mungkin gw masih grieving, dulu gw melakukan apapun (yg gw sadari) as a coping mechanism to anything irl happening, I think I've mentioned before, I don't just consume one media, but I consume EVERYTHING, bahkan ada di fase konsum webnovel transletan gugel, I AM THAT DESPERATE. Tp, semenjak September 2023, I don't see how I give my time to something new would help. So, I consort to something I knew I had comfort to, like rewatching, rereading, and stuff. which basically made me stuck in reverse.

So I think, pelan-pelan, semoga gue bisa ke jalan awal, that I like learning, this las few couple of months convince me that. Like, in a long time, there's spark. And I'll hope it's still going to fuel me, for the future.

Apa yang kurasakan?

Therapeutic? yeah, that'll do it.

Setidaknya stress gw berkurang ketika sedang menyambat dimana2, especially when writing, kalo diomongin, wah, sangat vulgar and often I regret what I'm saying, tapi kalo nulis, seengaknya hal-hal yg tidak diinginkan itu terfilter dengan sendirinya.

WELP I think that's it? hehe, not very long, actually, BUT heheheheheheh FINALLY I ENDED SOMETHING IN 2024.

XOXO

[itisjustfei]

Sketches weehee

Re: how does Xavier even see out of that helmet

Be my mirror my sword and shield ig

[itisjustfei]

Day 28: write about loving someone

I love reading about romance, I love reading about something subtle. But experiencing it myself outright? I don't know. Kinda a wreck if you ask me.

I mean, it's been so long I'm attracted to REAL men, like, I'm straight, obv, but like, last time I have something intense feeling about someone, apparently that was obsession...

Or maybe I couldn't exactly know what love was supposed to be like because, all I know about love was pain, I couldn't really accept any other form of it.

So for now, loving someone is pain.

(extremely short, I know, but hey, go eaaaasy on me)

[itisjustfei]

Day 27: someone who inspire me

Hello! It's reaalllly been a long time since, hehe, things happen, and for this topic it took me a while to thought about it, because, I don't really had an extensive social life, so, this is hard.

But then, last month, my mom passed away, I don't know how to explain my feeling about it, I can't quite put my finger on it, maybe I can't found the best word to explain it, but for sure, there's grief.

When she passed away, I think a lot about how my life were literally been an extension of her pointers, like what am I supposed to do? Ask mom. What should I do with this? Ask mom. And things that from small to big decision, I ask her all of it all the time.

I even thought about wanting to die before her, I ask God to just put her pain to me, asking to just extended her life in exchange for my own lifetime. But, it doesn't happen like that.

Because, I don't feel like I was living my life and she is living her life, I know she lived the way she wanted it to be, at least the most part of it.

I already have the plan about how am I going to do with the next 8 years until she retired, like, I thought about keeping the job she wanted me to be, and after that I could do everything I want to do and to be.

But, now she's gone, and I don't have to stick to that plan on my life anymore, and I'm really confused and honestly, I feel lost.

That's how I realized until that point I was living inspired by, no, devoted to only her, everything I do, everything I planned, it always goes back to her.

Life goes on, miraculously.

I missed her terribly. And now, she will always gonna inspire me, hoping it's all for the good cause.

[itisjustfei]

so I got into grad school today with my shitty 2.8 gpa and the moral of the story is reblog those good luck posts for the love of god

[itisjustfei]

Reblog if you’re over 20 and still read/write fan fiction.

I’m curious!

[itisjustfei]

Emphasize my life in sentences

“why don’t you just…?” the answer is either money or anxiety

[itisjustfei]

Day 26: Your School

Hmmm sekolah yg mana ya gw udah lulus soalnye, kayaknya ini bukan pertanyaan yg tepat buat gw soalnya kan gw ngajar, wkwkwkwkka.

But still, i tried to write something about it.

Sekolah SD, gw selalu punya resentment sama ortu gw karena, tetiba gw dipindahin pas kelas 5 ke seklah lain yg, lebih jauh padahal gw ga pindah rumah atau apa??? I don't have many fond memories about it too, kayak, it just passes. Insignificantly.

Pas SD gw punya SMP yg mau gw masukin karena gw mau ketemu ama temen2 pas sekolah SD yg awal, oh tentu saja mereka punya pikiran sendiri on where I should be going, dan ya gw masuk sekolah yang bisa dibilang elit, tp gw dipaksa buat ngikut seadanya, I was reminded that I have so many siblings, be mature, jadinya ya I have social pressure, no one befriending that one weirdo who always refuses to go play (krna apa ya lo tau la), thank God I have fairly strong mentality, so again, it just passes, again.

Waktu SMA gw rada rebel, it does have some memories I fond of here, moment I willing to go back just to feel it again.

Kayanya udah deh segitu, pala gw dull dipake jam segini, hehe, I'm not a night person. Males nambah tag jg, mungkin gw tambhin kalo lagi rajin.

[itisjustfei]

my writing fundamentally changed forever ten years ago when i realized you could use sentence structure to control people’s heart rates. is this still forbidden knowledge or does everyone know it now

[itisjustfei]

This is not a letter

It's out of my character, and not one of the challenges, so sorry for what am I gonna pour here. I just really need to get this out somehow.

It wasn't hard, my life was, or so I thought, before I know internet, before I know anything I've read. My life was fairly okay, if it isn't the best.

But then I realized, everything wasn't have to be like that, that I deserve more than what I received, that my feelings were true not because I was out of my place, not because it was not normal to behave like that.

As time went on, even when I already aknowledge this, I still can't change a thing, and yet, it felt for me it is harder.

Knowing your whole life gonna be like that, knowing maybe this life never gonna get better.

Knowing I'm not gonna ever received love and validation from her.

I understand, life is tough, her youth were robbed, and I do ache for her. I do cry from thinking, the way life might be better for her if I wasn't here.

But it doesn't make my pain any lesser, it doesn't make it magically disappear, instead it marks it ways through my skin deeper. A reminder, that I ruin things just by being born, and this rumination are coming from me to me, don't you dare to blame it on others.

I didn't want assume things, but it's hard to find a way when it's so blatantly showed in front of you.

The way she said that she does love her sons more, and make the actions true to her words, I can't find the silver lining from it.

Maybe I'm not trying hard enough. Maybe i just need to be focused. Maybe I just need to be ignorant again, like I used to, at least, my heart and my brain would lie, would imposter itself, that I am loved, just differently, just not now, just not now.

And thus, I know, the phrase 'ignorance is a bliss' and I know, I don't deserve bliss.

[itisjustfei]

Day 25: something inspired of the 11th image on your phone

Hmm, this is the 11th saved picture.

Apa ya, padahal ini masih pagi tapi gw ga ada inspriresyen from this image, pala gw mentok di pengalaman gw nonton tu film, dan segimana gw pengen nonton lagi, but, gw udah komit kalo mau nonton lagi ya hrs tunggu vod aja.

Tapi bener deh, gw tersadarkan dari film enih, kalo gw tu ya seneng nonton atau baca sesuatu yang bikin gw care sama karakternya, mau sebobrok apapun itu plot nya pasti gw tonton.

Speaking on MCU, how I still watch their stuff, karena, ya, gw masih care sama beberapa karakter, their untold or unfinished story.

Or how I prefer fanfiction over published books, karena ya mungkin ada hubungannya dengan masalah karakter ini, kalo ff kan gw udah tau siapa yg jadi protagonis nya, karakter nya kek mana jadu gw ga harus cape2 invested in new character, unlike an original stories.

Gw baru kepikiran segitu sih, mungkin nanti malem pala gw lebih encer, gw lanjutin. No promises tho.

[itisjustfei]

Day 24: write about a lesson you've learned

Hmm, thinking on how messy my life is (sorry bro, this is my first) I think I've learnt a handful of lesson throughout my life.

But one thing I always had in mind is, That being me is okay, I am not obligated to be anything, just here, existing, is fine enough.

I'm still trying to stick into that. It's hard to undo, unlearning the only thing you've known your whole life.

Growing in patriarchal family, as a woman, everyone see me as a commodity, that I'm only for one thing and one thing only, it's my descendants.

Since childhood, instead learning to do things because I need it to survive, I've always told that I need to do this to prepare for parenthood, I learned to do things because I need to serve a husband.

So I always had this mentality, that I am a parent, even when I'm not. Yet. Or ever. Idk.

I'm a parent for my siblings, instead being their actual siblings. I had a mentality that I am a parent when my actual parents isn't present.

So when there's time it doesn't meet the expectations, that I'm not a perfect parent, I got depressed, I got anxious, like why, I've been doing this, but it seems it's never enough.

I understand know that, because I am not a parent, I am not any label, I am just me, I stuck with this, so I need to suck up with whatever that I am, that no matter how much I try to be something I'm not, I never gonna success, because simply because I am not.

Ah I'm sad. So gonna stop here.

[itisjustfei]

Day 23: a letter to someone, anyone

I've been always wanted to convey my feelings, but I don't know how, to tell you how I admire you, how thankful I am, how my life were slightly change, like no one does, but before you got me wrong, it's a platonic love, I don't dream sexually about you, don't worry about it.

You won't notice me that way, ofc, because, it's my brand, to be unrecognized, unnoticed, and invisible.

I like seeing you just talking, about almost anything, how your eyes glimmers, how you play with your hands as you explain something with pure excitement.

I wish I could say how much I wanted to get close to you, to get to know you better, and get the gist of real you instead of my own limited perception.

I regret it now, that we don't meet often, after I graduate, I simply perish, lost in my own mind, I didn't go when you got sick, I didn't even attend your funeral.

I pray for you, when I remember, sometimes I wonder, will we meet again? Because you're definitely getting the best place there, and I'm not sure we will be in the same place.

Until then, I'll pray for you, just enough to convey how thankful I am, for our brief intersection.

[itisjustfei]

Day 22: write about today

Seriously, sebenernya gw dari kapan hari tuh mau nulis, tp kaga jadi2 karena antara gw ketiduran atau ga gw lagi suntuk bgt, dan hari itu emang kaga ada yg bisa gw ceritain.

Hari ini juga ga spesial2 amat sih, pagi bangun, berangkat ngajar, ya walopun banyak ngakaknya sih hari ini liat kelakuan murid, terus beberapa kali gw berusaha baca buku, tapi akhirnya balik lagi ke ff.

Yg agak beda mungkin pas gw ngelayat bareng2 ke temen waktu SD gw, yg hari kemarin baru aja keilangan istri ama anaknya sekaligus.

It just made me think again on how short life could be.

Ngl, I always felt left behind. With other people my age achievement in comparison, it's easy to say my life were in shambles.

Not to shade on people grievance. But, holy shit, this life is truly too short to dwell on these measly things called overthinking.

And that's about it I guess.

[itisjustfei]

Reading fanfiction on ao3 is like being addicted to drugs.

The first time you read one you experience this immense amount of euphoria and satisfaction (because of a well-done story or your ship having a solid dynamic etc.)

The high lasts for quite some time until you want way more of that special feeling so you read more and more until eventually nothing can satisfy you anymore.

But instead of trying to quit, we embrace the madness and let it takes us wherever it wants.

And I think that's beautiful.

[itisjustfei]

Day 21: write about LOVE

Love, the one word I heard a lot, I sing a lot, I read a lot, yet I can quite understand it, even a bit.

Someone said I deserve love that doesn't hurt, love that doesn't make me wonder.

It's true though, for me love is always pain.

And it seems like an accident that today I am getting another heartbreaking realization that I gonna suffer alone, alone in this cruel lonely world. The only person I thought have a love for me too, were pursuing someone else. The one I thought I could bear with, were not even had thought of me as a woman. The one I thought gonna open his heart and arms, now holding someone else.

It does feel like love were ripping my heart out, put it out in public, letting it rot day by day.

And yet still, I hope I was wrong. I hope that will come the day when someone do love me for whoever I am, for whatever I am, that no matter how worst the day will be, there's someone by my side.

And it just feel like a wish rather than a hope.

And that the fact I can't keep the thought out, maybe I deserve to be alone, to be not loved, to be doomed for the rest of my life.