its-real-with-lee-blog - Tumblr blog

[its-real-with-lee-blog]

[its-real-with-lee-blog]

Unsavory Memories

This is very triggering for some. I am here for you!

Most of my past memories are great. I had a wonderful childhood. Very loving parents, siblings, extended family, pets. So what could go wrong? 

I hit 16... I felt the need to be wanted. For some reason I had this ridiculous feeling that I NEEDED to be loved by a man or I didn’t matter. 

I know, some of you who are lucky enough to never have had these feelings are thinking “what a pathetic, self conscious girl”. But that’s just it, I was self conscious and I had NO self esteem. Things only got worse before they got better. 

I don’t like to lay blame on other people, its just when someone is already weak,   No one should be preying on them. But for the next 6 years, those are the exact type of men that were drawn to me. I was foolish enough to believe that they loved me. That the manipulation and the mental abuse was true love. Once they got me to believe them, I started to see true colors but by then “I loved them”, I thought that I could fix them somehow. 

But how can someone fix anyone when you are also broken yourself, but didn’t know it? 

I was young. I didn’t know myself. I didn’t even know that I was broken. 

Sitting here now at 30, I get it. I was sick and I needed help. I was being used and told I was loved by these men I dated and didn’t date for that matter.

It wasn’t until I had my daughter that I realized how I should be treated and loved. It’s when I learned to love myself. It’s when I stopped letting men manipulate me. I was feeling strong as a single mother and learned how to say the word “no”.

Here are some of the manipulating things that would be said to me from people I had been intimate with and thought loved me. 

“You have to have sex with me because you are my girlfriend”

“Since we were each other’s first love, we can have sex no matter what and it doesn’t count even if I have a girlfriend” - he used this from age 17 until I found my strength

“You slept with —— so you have to sleep with me”  

“I have never loved someone so much, you have to be with me because I love you” 

“I bought you tires for your car, you have to have sex with me” - I never asked for anyone to buy me anything or fix anything for me.

“I fixed your car so you need to return a favor”

“I always put up with your sh**, so you should do what I want and give me what I want”

“I could go sleep with anyone else, but I chose you. So you should be happy and do what I want”

“I am going to take this bottle of pills if you break up with me”- I said the words we are over and he did while I sat there and slapped half of the pills out of his hand and he was picking them up off of the floor to eat them while I picked up as many as I could to toss them. He ended up ok and that tricked me to stay for another few months until the abuse got bad and when I tried to leave again, he had his best girlfriend come try to attack me at a party with a beer bottle. And he said 

“You will be listed as my cause of death in my obituary”- he’s still alive today

“You are getting so chubby, you need to lose some weight”- I was at the smallest I had ever been. He later admitted that he was scared that I was going to leave him so he started telling me these things so I would think that no one else would want me but him.  

There are SO many more things that have been said to trick me to either have sex or stay in a relationship when I really wanted to scream “NO” but didn’t have the voice or the strength to. (Again if you have never been in this place, you probably will never understand and will be judging me for falling for this bs)

Now to finding my strength. 

I stayed single for 5 years. I was a single Mom from the time I was 2 months pregnant with my first born and stayed single until she was 4 years old. Turning down dates, relationships, past “flames”. It was my choice to focus on myself and my daughter. I loved every second of being a single mom. Even the financial struggle because I was doing it. I was proud of myself, I went to and finished college (without a man). 

To be completely honest. I wasn’t even interested in dating when I met my now partner. My sister talked me into trying a dating app. I agreed to try for one week. Well... I met my now partner in that week.

I am glad I have met him because we have gotten five years together and a couple more children. I still have to channel my inner strength sometimes and not worry about who is getting upset with me, why I am saying no because bottom line is, if you want to say “No” there doesn’t have to be a reason. It is ok to say “no”.

Read that again, IT IS OK TO SAY NO!!! WITHOUT A REASON

We do not have to fall into the reasons that we “should” for someone else. Looking back at the things that were said to me for reasons why I needed to be intimate with someone makes me cringe. Why wasn’t I stronger? I wasn’t stronger because I didn’t know myself yet,  I needed to water myself to help me grow meaning I needed to love myself. 

I now would laugh in someone’s face if they used those excuses on me and I would not be afraid or scared to say no. Maybe those things in the long run made me grow and learn how to be so strong. But I do not wish anyone to go through that bull. I am not just blaming the guys, I made my choices and I have to live with them. But they definitely preyed on my weaknesses and for that, I do blame them and I am disgusted with them. They DID NOT love me.

So please know that you are worth more, you are strong, you deserve the best, you CAN and WILL do it. You can say no. You don’t have to have a reason to say no. You got this. Keep working and focusing on you. Take time to heal yourself. You own you, no one else owns you. Love yourself.  

Find your inner strength, it IS there waiting for you!