its-symph0nic

[its-symph0nic]

If you’re one of those people who thinks executive dysfunction only happens for things we don’t like (school, cleaning,) then please consider the fact that I’ve been meaning to plug my phone in for 20 minutes and I’m now at 2% and still putting it off to write this post ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[its-symph0nic]

I think, therefore

[its-symph0nic]

Cool ghost photography by surrealist photographer Cristopher McKenney.

[its-symph0nic]

#ladygaga #faisions #sexy #artpop #artRAVE #monster

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[its-symph0nic]

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[its-symph0nic]

Your just a ghost with a beating heart.

[its-symph0nic]

♡ find your best posts on my blog ♡

[its-symph0nic]

12/17/13

i don't really know where it started, or where it's going to end, but somewhere in the midst of this, i lost whoever it was that i used to be. the weird part is, i don't really know who that person was, or who this new person is supposed to be. it didn't happen all at once, though, it happened when i met another soul like mine- for the first time i thought o fsomeone else before myself, but how i thought about that person doesn't really matter anymore, because i realize that the sadness didn't come from losing them, it came from losing me. but it's a silly thing to dwell on sadness, isn't it? they always say that if you love something, let it go, and if it doesn't come back, it was never yours in the first place. "they" were always talking about other people, but is it insane to apply that to yourself? i realized that i am just a human, who will die and rot just like every other human will die and rot. i say that to be more optimistic than cynical. every human is mortal, and if it's all going to end one day, what does it matter how we live our lives? once again, optimism, not cynicism. i think once i realized that i am but a cluster of atoms put together to form a being, a being that is less than a speck in the eyes of the entire universe, i started living my life exactly how i wanted to, without a real care in the world.  once i realized that, i started getting pretty bored, though. empty, if you will, with the only thing that really kept my attention being my career in hairdressing. humans just became so boring. though i'm not particularly looking for romance or a new friendship, it would be really nice to meet someone who sees it, and understands it the way that i do. that's the problem though, it's not something you can teach someone, because you can't teach someone how to see something a certain way. someone can't simply learn to understand something the way you do. that was the secret i was trying to figure out all along, but i just thought about it way too hard. you just have to get it.

and i always did, i just searched too hard for it. 

so now in my journey, it's not that i want to be happy. i'm not sure if happiness or sadness is reality, just different chemical functions of the brain. i want to be ground breaking. i want to be revolutionary. i want to be known by everyone for what i do, and what i'm good at. i want to be one hundred percent self-sufficient on my own. i want to be the thinnest. i want to be the prettiest. i want to be an inventor. i want to be a prodigy. i want to be a role model for the adults who can't find themselves. i want to be beautiful and untouchable and completely dead inside. i just want to find that part of me that i can't quite get to come home. 

[its-symph0nic]

I can't believe this is happening

And I'm really, really scared

[its-symph0nic]

It's like my entire existence just evaporated right before my eyes, and I'm here left empty. It was only a year and a few months ago that I posted on here about getting the job of my dreams, the start to my career. I remember everything it helped me with- building a career as a hairdresser, and pulling me out of this weird, twisted place where I wasn't depressed, but I wasn't confident, I was really just not in love with anything. My life was just kind of blank before I started with nothing really to be proud about, just some romanticized idea of what my career has the potential to be. When I was hired, I found that. It's insane to think about that not being the case anymore. Everything I've worked so hard for in the past year has been flushed down the toilet and I don't have a relationship with anything anymore. Everyone else has something that they were married to, if you will. For most people that was a person, a family, a pet, etc. for me, I had my job, the best thing that had ever happened to me. Now I have to start all over, but where do I even do that at? There isn't anywhere I would rather be or anything else I would rather be devoted to. Everything else in my eyes is a downgrade. Which, to a person like me, is unacceptable. I know what I think is the best and that is what I go for, and that is what I get. I could never even imagine living a life where I don't get the best of everything. I guess all I need to realize is that there are other places out there that are technically at the same level, some might even venture to say better, than where I was at. I will never settle for a place that isn't up to the same standard. I might just have to suck it up, and be just like all of the other normal people who don't always get what they want.

[its-symph0nic]

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[its-symph0nic]

People get drunk, they hook up with the wrong person and pretend to be okay. People act tough and get mad. People will do anything to distract their heart. They will do anything to distract it from missing someone.

November Depth (via drapetomania)  (via -revive)