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okay let’s invert the already-painful “Batman hits his kids” trope: one of the kids hits Bruce. like straight up, wham, across the face during a fight. it’s a line Bruce will never cross during an argument (in this world at least) but he never expected it to come up the other way around. and since he’s so accustomed to trusting his kids, his allies, he doesn’t even flinch. He doesn’t duck, or try to soften the blow, because he never expected it to come at all. And maybe the batkid expected him to, because he always knows when a hit is coming. But now Bruce is holding a split cheekbone, there’s blood pouring down his face, and the batkid stumbles back a step, breathing hard and fast and barely remembering what their argument had even been.

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Cass and Jason dynamic, but because their morals are so conflicting they pretend not to know each other’s secret identites for the family’s sake

Harper: How can you just talk to Jason when you beat the shit out of him just last night?

Cass: What do you mean?

Harper: C’mon, Cass! You literally broke his helmet!

Cass: No, I broke Red Hood’s helmet.

Harper:

Cass:

Jason: Mornin’. Y’all doing alright?

Cass: Good morning, Jay.

Harper: I-

Harper: Forget it. I’d rather not ask.

Or even them in the batcave getting ready for patrol:

Jason: See you later, Cass.

Cass: Later.

Cass: [Looks away and puts her Batgirl mask]

Jason: [Puts his helmet on and turns to face her]

Cass: Red Hood.

Jason: Batgirl.

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Stephanie dying her hair black for an undercover OP

Stephanie: So what you guys think

Dick:

Tim: That is so freaky

Jason: You… you look like Bruce’s mom!

Stephanie: WHAT? No I don’t!

Dick: You do! And it’s so fucking freaky!

Tim: It’s a really fucking eerie resemblance. Are you sure you’re not related to him? Like a distant cousin or something?

Stephanie: Your all fucking insane. I don’t look like her!

Jason: Hold on. Alfred! Can you come here!

Alfred: There is no need to shout Master Jason. Now what is all the commotion?

Jason: We just need to know, does Steph look like Bruce’s mom?

Alfred: Bloody Hell. You do bear a very striking resemblance to the late Martha Wayne, Ms Brown.

Tim: Told you.

Dick: Come on let’s dye it brown before Bruce sees and has a fucking panic attack.

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JL finding out bat secrets, but it's in the most simple ways.

Barry: how old do you think Robin is?

Oliver: you met him last week, he's like 12

Barry: yeah but like, he was 14-ish when we started the justice league

Hal: maybe he's an immortal vampire like batman

Nightwing: that's ridiculous

Hal: we have aliens and gods on this team. Why not vampires?!

Wally: can't be immortal if he was 14 then but 12 now

Barry: I've cracked it, there's more than one

Oliver: Your genius amazes and astounds

Barry: So the first Robin should be like 30 by now

Dick: WHAT

Dick: 30! IM 26

Dick now in crisis: I AM NOT THAT OLD YET

Barry: Hold on, wha-

*Wally silently laughing at Dick despite them being almost the same age*

Oliver: Were you Robin?!?!?!

Dick: I can't believe this betrayal! It's called mid 20's and you're no longer invited to Christmas Ollie!

Oliver: I was invited to your Christmas!?!

Wally: Well, not anymore you're not

Hal: Can I come?

Dick: that's up to Batman

Hal:...

Dick: Coward, this is why you aren't invited to family Christmas

Barry: YOURE RELATED TO BATMAN?!

Oliver: I WAS INVITED TO BATMANS FAMILY CHRISTMAS?!?!?!

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Bruce, introducing his kids at a family Interview: This is my eldest Dick, my second eldest Cassandra, then my son Jason, my second youngest Tim, and my youngest Damian

Bruce: That's my daughter-in-law Barbara, and my other daughter-in-law, Stephanie

Tim: ??? Steph and I broke up forever ago?? How is she your daughter-in-Law?

Stephanie: I may not be dating any of you anymore but I'm the State of daughter-in-law. Daughter-in-law is not a family title, it's the friends you make along the way

Jason: I'm not high enough for this shit

Golden boy Dick Grayson: Me fucking neither

Jason: what

Dick: what

Bruce: ??? What do you mean she's not my daughter-in-law anymore?? I was counting on her marrying into the family :C

Steph: Sorry B, unfortunately your son would rather kiss superbitch than me

Dick: TIM IS KISSING WHO NOW

Bruce: >:( We'll talk about that later, right now-

Tim: I don't think that's necess-

Bruce: We'll talk about that later. Right now can't any of you date her?? Jaylad, you're sin-

Steph: HELL NO

Jason, already on his second blunt: You're so funny, old man. I'm literally co parenting my best friends kid. I'm literallyyyy be gay do crime. Haha.

Dick: YOURE WHAT WITH WHO NOW

Bruce: CAN ANY OF YOU JUST DATE HER

Cass, slowly raising her hand like in Hunger Games: I volunteer

Bruce: ...

Tim: ...

Dick: ...

Bruce: This is why you're my favorite daughter 🥹

Cass: Father, I'm your only daughter

Tim: Untrue. I did drag one time, that has to count

Steph: Does this mean I have a girlfriend

Damian: This family is a disgrace

Interviewer: ...

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Brucie Wayne accidentally killing the joker

This happens before Red Hood is revealed as Jason, but after he shows up. Bruce is at a gala and has been very stressed lately, which is why he was so caught off guard with the Joker arriving. A big thing about today? It’s Jason’s adoption day anniversary. Bruce is barely clinging to being good.

However, Joker has a new laughing gas that he thought would make everyone fall into a catatonic state of laughter, striking a blow against all of Gotham’s elite.

That’s what he thought it would do.

Instead, it lowered inhibitions and increased their emotions. It also reduced their ability to think things through. Doing this to Bruce, who is stressed with Red Hood making moves and Justice League stuff getting more stressful and it being the anniversary of the day he could finally welcome his beautiful boy into the family, only to be face to face with the reason he lost his kid?

It only takes one comment about the old Robin for Bruce to go feral.

He isn’t thinking things through, isn’t focused on how hard he is hitting things, or where they are moving until he’s on a balcony with the Joker, and he’s distantly aware he’s been screaming about the clown having done enough-

Everyone watches, spellbound, as Brucie Wayne, under the influence of this new gas, pitches both the Joker and himself off the balcony, twenty stories above the ground.

Red Hood catches Brucie Wayne.

No one catches the Joker.

The morning papers scream about how the Joker died from Gotham’s prince being drugged, and how the city’s new crime lord kidnapped Brucie before he could die.

Everyone in Gotham is in disarray.

Dick is panicking after seeing the headline. (He was in Bludhaven.)

Tim is cursing himself. (He was home sick with the flu.)

Jason is struggling with his emotions.

Alfred is loading his shot gun.

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Things To Say Instead Of 'Cass Is In Hong Kong'

Cass is stuck in Spirit World

Cass is on a mission with the Birds of Prey!

Cass is doing a food tour of [insert city]. She cannot be reached for 5 business days.

Cass is on an undercover mission with Justice League Elite

Cass is on a globe-trotting adventure with Lady Shiva. She's surely having a great, angst-free time!

Cass is on a secret Batman-ordained mission that he trusts no one else but her with

Cass is doing a food eating contest right now and she's winning

Cass is playing rooftag tag with Steph! Do not interrupt!

Cass is on a Babs-enforced vacation and it is not going well :(

Cass is gone. No one knows where she is. She'll probably be back in a few days

Cass is visiting Bà Bao, Van, Liam, and Tony in their restaurant <3

Cass is helping Dick out in Bludhaven with a mission

Cass is breaking into the ballet academy to watch the dancers

Cass is beating up every gang in Gotham for some mission of her own

That's only a select few! Anyone feel free to add more, and fic writers feel free to use any of these!!

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I think anyone that studies medicine with Damian would lowkey hate his ass.

Not in a mean way, but in a petty why-aren't-you-struggling-like-me type of way. I mean, thanks to Robin and the league Damian is light years ahead of everyone on terms of experience and it would show.

Half the class is puking their guts out the first time they see a patient with an open fracture. Damian has been there, done that, seen that and worse. He's eating m&m's in the back.

They're all practicing making sutures until late. Damian is like "No, I don't need to join you. I could suture with my eyes closed" and then when someone is like "prove it, rich-boy" that mf actually blindfolds his eyes and sutures perfectly using four different techniques.

He also passes everything with flying colors! Because of course, the guy can't just be rich, good looking and famous, he has to be smart too.

And it just gets worse when he starts his actual residency.

Nothing shakes him! Thirty hour shifts? He doesn't even yawn. Extreme stress during a surgery gone awry? Damian is the one telling the other members of the surgical team to stay calm. Violent patient? They don't even get to call security, Damian has the guy pinned already.

And it would be easier to not get jealous of him if he somehow was a souless blood sucking asshole. But Damian is a good person, awkward and standoffish but always willing to help. He's there for whatever people need. He aids nurses, listens to patients, conforts victims. He sits with people for the bad news and when someone dies he gets this sad faraway look that shows he cares.

And it's just so unfair.

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remember when i said Bruce would forget his kids arre adopted?

imagine the same thing but opposite w damian for some reason.

Damian starts showing interest in medical stuff and Alfred lightly comments, "just like his grandfather," and Bruce hums with a finger on his chin, "Ra's?" and Alfred gives him a look and THEN Bruce realises, oh his father. his side of the family. because he's the dad. for real this time. ohhhhh.

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The titans love dick Grayson they do not love Bruce Wayne

The outlaws love Jason Todd they do not love Bruce Wayne

Young justice loves Tim drake they do not love Bruce Wayne

But much to their teams protests dick Jason and Tim all love Bruce

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what happens if Batman is out driving the Batmobile and he gets pulled over & asked for his license

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big fan of clark not being a fan of bruce wayne. all of the tacky one-liners and come-ons roll off of clark's back with barely concealed disgust.

he had a history with tasteless billionaires and he's just about had it with them and their ilk, thinking they own the world just because they had the money to buy it. the clash of his humble midwest upbringing and lex luthor's animosity spelled bruce wayne's doomed first impression at some party or other, where clark gets a face full of wayne's straight whites, alcohol for cologne, batty-eyed flirtation. clark gives up hope for a scoop and leaves the party as soon as he's able to.

but then: the rabbit hole of wayne industries and other properties, learning they offer the best-paying jobs for a reason, all the benefits and the charity works, supporting smaller local businesses. and bruce wayne may be ditzy but he grew up from a tragedy that took his family and now, he's growing a new one. clark figures, rich or not, no person's life should be this dramatic and plastered on newspaper—that means it's deliberate.

and, of course, the after: his partner-in-justice, with a penchant for the shadows and doing thankless work, coinciding with that fake, glittery persona. it made sense in a way it never would've made sense before now.

so, of course, the next time bruce wayne flirts with clark kent at some party or other—now burdened with the knowledge of who exactly bruce is, clark blushes and stutters and begrudgingly accepts his fate.

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In a universe where Damian was raised by Bruce since birth and never was told his siblings were adopted

Damian, age 12 helping unpacking things at Dicks new apartment: whos that?

Dick: Who?

Damian: That guy in the photo with you

Dick:

Dick: you mean- my dad? I never showed my parents to you?

Damian: there is no way thats our dad

Dick: our? Damian you- you know I’m adopted right?

Damian:

Dick:

Dick: we are all adopted, Damian.

Damian:

Damian: Even Cass?

Dick: you were there at her adoption.

Damian: I’m twelve! Probably didn’t payed attention to it.

Dick: you never asked yourself why do we don’t call Bruce ‘dad’?

Damian: I thought it was some petty teenager thing!

Dick: I’M 26!

Damian:

Damian: is Tim adopted?

Dick: yes?

Damian: knew it.

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Jason and Bruce are out late one night in Gotham as civilians. They get cornered by a mugger and Jason nearly pisses himself, he’s so amused. He teases the would-be mugger about their hand placement, even tries to goad the mugger into a fight because he’s Red Hood. He can disarm anyone in seconds. It doesn’t matter if you have a gun — he has two.

He’s Red Hood, and he has the literal Bat of Gotham standing behind him like a wall of muscle. They’re as close to invincible as humans get, in this town. And that kind of confidence scares off their would-be mugger.

But then Jason turns around, a smile stretching across his face, and Bruce is white. Bone white and so so quiet, eyes wide and trained on where the mugger had been standing.

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an important distinction 🐦 more chapter art for door, opening.

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i’ve literally not stopped thinking about this

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I still think it’s hilarious that the reason nobody ever figures out Superman’s secret identity or where he lives or what he does when he’s not saving the planet, is because he already told them all the Kryptonian stuff that can’t be tied to any of his human friends or family. I guarantee you the in-universe wikipedia article on Superman lists his name as Kal-El and the “personal life” section says that he lives full-time at his private fortress of solitude at the north pole. Nobody in the world looks at Clark Kent and thinks “oh my god, maybe he’s superman!” for the same reason nobody ever starts to suspect that their coworker who looks KINDA like Barack Obama is actually secretly Barack Obama – They know who Barack Obama is and know what he does and they know their coworker Greg is Greg and not Barack Obama. They have no reason to assume Barack Obama secretly moonlights as Greg The IT Guy at their workplace even though they’ve never seen Greg and Obama in the same place. At best, “Greg is secretly Obama” would be a running joke at the office, and the same is true at the Daily Planet. “Kal-El of Krypton, who lives in a CRYSTAL PALACE at the NORTH POLE and whose dayjob is SUPERMAN, sometimes puts on a suit and pretends to be a clumsy reporter and lives in a one-bedroom walkup in Metropolis” is a ridiculous concept to anyone who doesn’t already know it’s true