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[itsanoneg-blog]

I don’t want to fight myself no more.

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Vince and I are amazing, words cannot describe how perfectly happy I am in my relationship. I truly found my person, my soul mate and the ONLY person I want to be with in life. Vince has never given me a reason to doubt him, or even to simply be mad at him. Yes like everyone else we have our disagreements but we always pull through. Our disagreements aren’t even arguments, I don’t think either of us has been truly mad at the other. I've never had a relationship like this. Fights have always defined my relationship, but not this time.

Vince and I hit one year on May 6th. We didn’t celebrate because we see each other a lot, so what’s another day. Making it to one year shouldn’t be a celebration, it should just be like every other day. Everyday with him is special, everyday with him regardless if I see him or not makes me happy. I am finally happy. Not only happy with my relationship but with myself as well.

I look back a lot in my spare time, I just remember everything and think about everything that has happened to me in the past. It honestly feels like it was just yesterday. From time to time I do think about Roberto, I do think where I would be if he was still around, if I’d be this happy. I wish him nothing but the best, always, and I truly want him to find his person and to be as happy as I am. I also think about Carlos, and how him and I would have never made it to a year. I think about Eddie, I even apologized to him and he ignored it, his call. But all in all I always look back at my past, and it scares me. That person I was is NOT who I am anymore. It makes me happy, but also makes me a little sad.

[itsanoneg-blog]

Goodbye 2018, hello 2019.

I don’t even know where to begin. 2018 started out as one of the worst years ever and turned out to be the best. It really amazes me how one person can change everything, how they can turn your entire life around. I really don’t know who or what I’d be like if I hadn’t met Vince.

2019 is going to be amazing, I can feel it already. I have the most perfect person by my side, helping me with my goals, my life and my overall happiness. I wouldn’t trade any of this for the world. I am so eager and excited to see how the rest of my life plays out. I have a feeling it’s going to be great.

The one thing I want to work on this year though is myself.

I need to learn to not give a crap about those who don’t care about me. I need to learn to speak up for myself and be more confident. I can’t let others walk all over me as they’ve done in the past. If I want to say something, I will say it. I am tired of fake people, people who have no purpose in my life. I am tired of trying to keep friendships with people who just don’t care.

2019 will be the year I focus on myself, and only those who matter to me!

[itsanoneg-blog]

I just sat here for a couple hours while at work and re-read ALL my Tumblr posts. It amazes me to see how drastically your life can change. They say don’t let others define your happiness, but I believe that others do define our happiness. If you surround yourself with people who are always happy, who make you laugh and smile constantly, chances are you will be happy. Sitting here reading these posts made me laugh. I can’t believe my “Carlos” phase was only a couple months ago. I’m not going to bash the guy, he’s sweet, super funny, nice and I cannot lie was super attractive hands down. If I ever did run into him, without hesitation I’d speak to him, catch up. But my feelings for him are long gone. If I didn’t meet Vince, I would be lost, and that’s the truth. Vince turned my whole life around in such a short amount of time and I could not be happier.

The more I read about my Carlos posts, the more I realize “things would NOT have worked out with him.” I didn’t pretend around him, but I guess being that into him made me awkward at times. I couldn’t release Erica 2.0 on him, I couldn’t send him message after message or spam his phone with stupid pictures of myself. Would he come to three back to back Marianas Trench concerts with me? Definitley not.

I hate comparing, but I can officially say I have found my person, the most perfect person for me. Perfect has been a word I threw out many times, but this time I use it as “perfect for me”.

It will only be 7 months in December but holy crap. I feel like I’ve known my boyfriend forever. I’ve met my twin. Someone who loves music just as much as me, loves dogs, just likes everything I like. I could not have found anyone better then him.

And now I’m sitting here listening to Mayday Parade’s song “Save Your Heart”.

This song fits me so well. I definitely did fall to the bottom of my life. I struggled hard to find who I was. But I got up, brushed off everything and found not only myself but someone who’s worth dying for.

She fell to the bottom of her life This wasn't meant for two She struggles to find herself in time But she can barely move Just try and get up You gotta slowly brush off I know that words aren't enough But you're better than this Save your heart For someone that's worth dying for Don't give it away Torn apart Never getting what you've been crying for It's always the same She turns the pages everyday Just to change the mood But every chapter reads the same So hard to make it through Just try and get up You gotta slowly brush off I know that words aren't enough But you're better than this

[itsanoneg-blog]

Are people really your friends if they’re not there for you when you need them most?

I lost my best friend, my role model, my Nonna. She was the closest thing to me. She raised me, she made me the woman I am today. She was everyone’s best friend, everyone’s babysitter, and the reason my family was held so close together. She was literally my everything, she was my world.

Growing up, I never left my Nonnas side, I have a scar on my forehead to prove it. As a kid, I was always right behind her. Exactly why and how I got my scar. She didn’t see me behind her, and opened the wooden door, which knocked me right in the forehead. It was constantly “Where is Erica?” “Oh wait, she’s with Nonna.” I was never not right beside her. She took care of me, she did so much for me, my family, and everyone who knew her. I repaid all of this back to her when she was sick. I took her on walks, fed her, played with her spongey hair, sat and watched tv with her and told her my entire life story. Even though her mind was gone, and she had no idea what I was saying, I knew she was listening. She forgot so many faces, and so many names but the one person she remembered even up until her death, was me. When she couldn’t speak, and was on her death bed, she managed to look up at me and say, “Erica.” Not clearly, but enough for me to understand.

A simple condolence from “friends” would be nice. A simple heart on my photo, or even a like. Surprisingly even Sarah, (the one who didn’t say anything to me on my birthday) said her condolences and even offered to help me out if I needed.

This shouldn’t bother me, but I was so close to my Nonna and I just lost her. I lost my world, my bestfriend, and my so called “friends” can’t even say a simple “I’m sorry for your loss.”

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Just goes to show who has your back.

This was a wakeup call for me. I’m not chasing people who I think are my friends anymore. I’m not planning any more get togethers. This was too much. When you need people most, no one is there for you.

But to all who offered their condolences, thank you.

[itsanoneg-blog]

The stronger the ties the sharper the knives.

These lyrics couldn’t be any more accurate. Honestly this is why I love and adore Silverstein with all my life. Their lyrics are so relatable, especially when it comes to life itself and people betraying you. But enough about that. Something has been on my mind lately. I am so sick of fake people.

A friend of mine since grade 8, just decided to show her true colours. At times I say it’s not a big deal, I let it all slide, but it’s been bothering me. It bothers me because I haven’t done anything to ruin this friendship. Ever since then, I have been the only friend who supported her through everything. When her parents fought, when her so called “best friend” lashed out at her one drunken night. I had her back always, and she never seemed to care. I was too blind to see her actions towards me. She always pushed me to the side when she didn’t need me anymore. Did I care? No. Because that’s who I am. I always put others before myself. Doesn’t matter the situation nor the person, I always put their feelings before my own.

But again, there is only so much someone can take.

From not wishing me a happy birthday, to just simply not responding to my multiple day after day texts about coming to my party. Leaving me on read, acting as if I don’t exist, and not liking any of my Instagram photo’s unless our other friend Rosie is in them. That sounds stupid, it really does, but it hurts. It hurts because I haven’t done anything to you.

The last time you texted me first was to ask if me and Roberto broke up and why. Why do you care? You weren’t there for me at all during my rough break up. You were never there for me, ever. I finally see who you really are. A liar, a fake, and a disgusting human. Hurtful? Sure, but it’s the truth. You studied Social Service Work to help others, but I think you need help yourself. You have no friends. You push everyone away. I credit you for having the same boyfriend since high school. He is the only one you haven’t pushed away, yet.

When I saw you responded to Rosie’s birthday invite I was furious. Do you guys even speak? Not unless I am around. But you attended her party…

I wanted to say so much to you the day of her party, but she’s my best friend and I didn’t want to ruin her day. I kept quiet, I didn’t say much to you or your boyfriend. I gave you two a hug and introduced you to Vince. Again, because I am nice. I chose to speak to others. Other friends I had since high school, who had my back. I had a great time catching up with them.

You didn’t speak to any one at the party. You and your boyfriend sat in a corner, as usual. Until Rosie started crying, being a typical Rosie. You acted as if you have always been there for her. Telling her to calm down, and to relax. Bringing her to a corner and letting her vent. You know nothing about her. You haven’t spoken to her, nor me since last October. You’re so fake. And I was so happy when Rosie asked you to grab me to calm her down, instead of you.

Jealousy?

No one should be jealous of me but let’s be honest, I think you are. You always compared our families, our grades, our looks, our social status and you even told me multiple times growing up “I’m jealous of you. You’re the pretty friend, you have so many different groups of friends, you’re always happy, you have no fights with anyone, and you’re always getting higher marks then me. And you’re doing something with your life. You have a career in your field, I have nothing except Nick, I work at Home Depot, Erica I have nothing.” Sucks to be you.

Sorry to say, but yes, all of this is true.

I really should have opened up to you that night at Rosies party. Why are you throwing a friendship of 10+ years away? For what? Jealousy? I really don’t know what I did to deserve any of this, but I finally realized it all. You’re not worth it. The stronger the ties, the sharper the knife, but I can deal with the pain. I cried about losing a friend but in the end, I realized you weren’t worth those tears.

[itsanoneg-blog]

The amount of people who have told me that Vince and I are soul mates, perfect for each other, meant to be. The list goes on and on. I’ve heard it from multiple people, and I’ve said it myself. You can tell when you’ve met your person. Everything is different, everything is perfect and when others notice, it’s simply the greatest.

I was at my best friends Birthday party Saturday night. I’ve met her cousin multiple times and have known her for years now. She is the most down to earth person ever, she doesn’t care what people have to say. She speaks her mind, she’s loud, funny and super out going. She met Vince for the first time, and they got along great. They’re both loud, and don’t shut up, so it was interesting watching them interact.

A couple hours in to the party, she (Christina) grabbed me and asked me to come to the bathroom with her. I was confused, but I knew she wanted to tell me something. “Erica, you and your boyfriend are so incredible together, I can’t stop looking at you. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 years now, and he doesn’t even look at me the way Vince looks at you. Even Nick and Sarah who have been dating for 8 years don’t have that connection that you and Vince have. I actually envy it. I’ve seen you with Roberto, and even your ex before him. None of them seemed right for you. I don’t want to come across as a bitch but last year Roberto kept looking at my friend. Every chance he got when you weren’t around, he starred at her, checked her out and everything. Vince is your guy.”

I wanted to cry. I hugged her so tight. Her telling me this just meant so much to me. I was so happy I couldn’t express my feelings. I told Vince about it and he was about to cry as well.

But even though I was happy for her saying all this, I felt off. Roberto? Really? Don’t get me wrong we had our disagreements, our fights, but he was loyal. He was loyal throughout the entire relationship. He never gave me a reason to think otherwise. Do I think Christina was lying? I don’t know. It doesn’t matter now but it just got me thinking. I beat myself up a lot because of the way I treated Roberto. But now with Christina telling me this, I think it’s a sign of relief. In a way. I know I shouldn’t over think it. I am beyond happy about what she said about Vince and I. I should be happy about it. I have a perfect relationship, I have an incredible boyfriend, and I finally found my person.

[itsanoneg-blog]

Yesterday I took a “sick” day and it was everything I needed.

Sometimes I feel like there isn’t enough time. Time moves so fast and there are so many things I want to do but can’t because of time. Working 9-5, Monday to Friday isn’t the greatest. I wish I was allowed a day in between. A day to just unwind and have me time. I take time for granted. Most of us do and we don’t realize it. When I worked part-time, I complained. Complained because I had so much free alone time. I had the morning off and worked afternoon/night. It kind of sucked. It sucked because I couldn’t see my family. To me spending time with people is everything. I feel like I don’t get that chance anymore. Weekends, I spend with my family and Vince or Vince and his family. I try to include friends, and others but I just can’t. It makes me sad. It gets me thinking.

Since I’ve been with Vince, I have been so excited for our future. I am ready, ready to start a family, ready for a house, a career, everything. But time is moving so fast and I am psychically and financially not ready for that. It’s all I want in my future. I just want everything to fall into place. I am aware I have to work hard now to have an amazing future but losing sight of who I am is not something I take lightly. I need time to enjoy life, enjoy the simple things, and do things that make me happy. 2019 is going to be my fresh start. I know I am capable of more. My co-workers, my boss, they’re all amazing. But I am not happy here. I have benefits, a pension, a lot of perks, and three weeks starting vacation, plus an extra week at Christmas. Sounds amazing doesn’t it? But it’s not. I spent a lot of money on an education. Two college diplomas, a lot of my time. I can’t sit behind this desk any longer. It’s been getting busy and I’ve been coping but this isn’t for me. I want something more. I am worth more. I am a Graphic Designer. I studied hard to be who I am as a designer, and making Power Points, and formatting documents doesn’t cut it for me. I am creative, I am passionate and an extremely hard worker. I want to succeed, I want to grow with a company, I want to be happy working.

I think a part of me isn’t happy because I am not socializing as much. I don’t talk to many people I work with, and when I do speak, it’s work related. I miss school, I miss talking to friends every day. I think I want a job that allows me to meet different people who are designers like me, who are close to my age, who I can socialize with outside of work. That will make me happier. In 2019, maybe sooner, I am going to reach out to some old friends. Friends who just lost touch with me. Alannah, Michelle, and Emily. These were people I was close with. Emily lives down the street, our moms are best friends, but we haven’t spoken since Highschool. I am excited but also nervous to ask them to hang out again, to catch up. These are three of the realest, and coolest people ever, so nerves shouldn’t stop me. I know it’s all going to work out, it’s just procrastination and time.

This all leads me back to yesterday.

I woke up early and spent the entire day with Vince. Driving to his house that early in the morning, with the cold breeze was everything. I felt free. Going for breakfast at a cute diner, taking his dog for a long walk, I felt like I was living my future. Binge watching The 100 (for the third time), sitting with his family and talking, laying on his bed and crying of laughter. It was perfect. It broke up my work day. It gave me time. Time didn’t fly by as usual and for once I enjoyed every second of my day. I need more time, I need more days like yesterday. I am tired of watching the time fly by and not being happy with what happens during the day. Yesterday got me thinking a lot. This is my life, time is precious, it can’t be wasted. There is not enough time to just let it fly away. This is my time to be me, my time to focus on what I want in my future, my time to start saving money and plan for everything I want. And even though I want to be successful, I cannot lose who I am. I need time for me, I need days for myself, days to just be Erica, and be happy.

[itsanoneg-blog]

The city is a stranger to me

The whole month of July was beyond stressful for me. I tried not to go out too much because I was planning for my party. I am not sure why but I kind of wanted to go all out this year. Have a candy buffet, supply all the food so I didn’t have to rely on others, go with a certain colour theme. I knew it was going to take a lot of time, hard work and I knew a lot of money was going to be involved. Thankfully my mom paid for more than half of the food and spent all morning cooking and preparing. I was thankful for my boyfriend and my brother’s girlfriend too who both helped me with all the decorations. I would not have been able to do any of this by myself. The day of my party I was so faint. It was super-hot, I got ready and changed in 10 minutes while some people were already at the party. I had no food ready, nothing on the table was set, it was a disaster. I just wanted this day to be perfect. And although I felt like nothing was done, we were all prepping the entire day for it. I just needed a breather.

Thankfully some friends, and my cousins came earlier and helped out. I finally got the chance to sit down, eat and enjoy myself. But my party was nowhere near being fun. For starters, a lot of people bailed last minute. Gave me lame excuses and lied to my face as to why they weren’t coming. Some didn’t even respond to me at all, which annoyed me more because this “friend” and I have been friends since grade 4. Says a lot on her part. Anyways, aside from people bailing, I felt like some didn’t even enjoy themselves. You don’t have to drink to have fun at a party but sitting there and not socializing really makes me angry. It’s not a party if you’re sitting down. It’s not a party if you’re glued to your phone. Honestly whatever. I tried to make the most of it. And I enjoyed myself and I was happy to spend time with people who actually wanted to be at my party.

What also got to me was the food situation. I had so much food, and so much left overs because barely any one ate. If and when I don’t supply food, everyone makes a big stink about it. But when I supply food, and my family spends a lot of money on food, no one eats. You can never win, nor please people. Everyone left super early as well which also bothered me. I know it’s not a big deal, but this was a big deal for me. If I am planning something I want it to be good. I want people to enjoy themselves, I want everyone to have fun. But I feel like not a lot of people did.

Honestly, I enjoyed my time. I enjoyed spending time with those people who actually made an effort to come. I enjoyed my time with the people who came to celebrate me, the ones who actually wished me a happy birthday. I don’t know why I am getting worked up about all this but again it was my actual birthday and it was nowhere near where I wanted it to be. I am done planning things, trying to make people enjoy themselves. I am done talking to fake people who can’t even wish me a happy birthday, nor respond to my event, texts and phone calls. Next year I am not planning anything. Depending who has a birthday next, I may not even go, and depending if they came to mine or not, I’ll give them a lame excuse as well. I’m just tired of people. I am actually annoyed.

[itsanoneg-blog]

There’s only one way to say three words.

It happened. It finally happened, and I cannot be any happier. This weekend was incredible. We also had another amazing sleepover. Vince spoiled me this weekend. We went shopping, went to Kernels, went to Demetres, bought board games, watched movies, went for ice cream and it was perfect.

Friday night was the best day of my life. It was fun, relaxing and a bit interesting at times. Just as we were going to sleep Vince got a bit quiet. He’s never quiet. He always has something to say regardless of the situation. When he gets quiet like that though, I know something is on his mind. I wasn’t wrong. We were laying in bed, lights off, sort of. I couldn’t stop looking at him, the usual. I mean I can stare at him forever and never break the stare. Anyways, just as I knew he wanted to say something he did.

“Erica, I love you.”

My heart stopped. I wanted to cry but nothing happened. I grabbed him and said, “I love you too.” Vince got even more quiet and made a noise. I asked him if he was okay. “Yeah, I’m just crying because I am so happy. I really fucking love you.” What? I couldn’t cry, I was just so happy. I didn’t think he would cry. I honestly love this guy so much. I am beyond happy with him. Our conversation didn’t end there and it only got better.

“Babe, I know you’re having issues with your family and my mom knows. She said you’re more than welcome to stay here whenever you want.” I was shocked. I told him that I respect that but I can’t. 

We then started talking about starting a family together in a couple years. How did I find someone who wants everything I want? I honestly got so lucky. “My parents aren’t married, but I do want to marry you. Every girl dreams of the perfect wedding and proposal and I want to give that to you.” This conversation was too much. My heart was too full. I am so eager to start my future with Vince.

Waking up the next day was great. I can get used to the morning kisses, getting ready together, going for breakfast, going to the mall and shopping together. Life will be great with Vince. This is only the beginning. After our adventurous day, we watched a movie. Some anime movie called Spirited Away, and I fell in love with it. The night was coming to an end but my oh my did I enjoy myself.

Vince and I laughed for a solid hour. The oddest couple in deed. He’s been teaching me for weeks to say Waky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man. I could never say it but it just came to me. I said it, and I said it fast. We both broke out into laughter. He grabbed me tight and said, “We really are made for eachother.” We really are. I honestly found my soul mate.

[itsanoneg-blog]

You don’t know what it’s like, welcome to my life

This is going to be the longest and most truthful post yet...

It really bothers me how you can go from having the most amazing day of your life, to the worst day of your life in the span of two days. Yup, Warped Tour was the best day of my life and there is nothing doubting that. But last night was the worst day of my life. I did something that I regret, said things I regret, and I hate myself for it all. I hate everything. Saying my life is perfect was a jinx. It will never be perfect. There is no such thing as living a perfect life. Especially if you’re still in my life. I’ve become so close to saying and meaning these words but it’s going to come out sooner rather than later and I am going to mean it. I hate you.

Growing up everyone thought I had the perfect family because my parents were still living together and “happily” married. While I watched kids cry because their dad was moving out, I prayed and prayed that my parents would get a divorce. Till this day I still wish they had gotten a divorce. They would both be happier, and so would I. My mom is only with my dad because of money. Making only 45k a year at 51 years old is close to making nothing. My dad makes over 100k and that is why they’re still together. It sucks. Sleepless Night by Faber Drive was my anthem growing up. I never got sleep. Argument after argument. My brother and I would hide in our room and blast music. We lived in a small apartment too which made it worse. Growing up sucked. I didn’t have “parents” and honestly, I still don’t.

I do love my parents, but at the same time they have ruined my life. You don’t call your own daughter a slut, and you don’t let your daughter cry daily because of things you do. My brother and I grew up fine. Actually, I don’t know about him to be honest. I graduated college twice. I have a full-time job in the field I studied in. I never did drugs, I’m 25 and I haven’t gotten pregnant. I’ve never been involved in anything with the police, in school I was never absent. I was and still am a good freaking person. Okay, I’ll admit to being lazy at times but that doesn’t make me a bad person. I clean up after myself, I do things around the house, I put everyone first. And guess what? Everything goes un-noticed.

My parents are my like, “friends” to me. They raised me and birthed me, but I don’t care about that. We do things together as a family, we have long weekend BBQ’s and eat dinner together daily, but that’s not what makes up a family. Happiness, love, honesty, laughter, that’s what makes up a family. I never asked my parents to give me birth, it just happened, so I don’t owe them anything. I hate when people say that. It makes no sense. I don’t think my parents know anything about me. I doubt my dad even knows my birthday. I had to figure out a lot on my own. And what made it worse was all my friends were guys. I didn’t know what a period was. My mom never prepared me for it. She never had the “talk” with me. She never told me about what it’s like to be a girl. I went to the doctors yesterday and he asked me if I ever did a Pap Smear. I looked like a fucking idiot. What is that? I was supposed to have it done at age 21, and every three years after that. I am 25 and didn’t even know that word existed. I need a mother, not a friend. It sucks.

I think I did just fine on my own. My parents supported me financially for the most part and gave me food and a place to live but that’s pretty much it. I did some thinking and started crying. I say I hate my family, but at the end of the day I’d take a bullet for any of them. But would they do the same? Definitely not. My dad might, but in the heat of the moment he wouldn’t be thinking of me. He’d be thinking of himself. That’s just how it is and it’s how it always will be. If my mom had one bullet and had to shot either me or my brother, she would without a doubt shoot me. Even if the third option was shooting none of us. She favours my brother, always. She needs to step it up and put her foot down with him. He has no schooling, no job and does whatever he wants. That’s what led to our fight last night. I asked to go to the cottage with Vince and his family this weekend. My mom didn’t answer me, as fucking usual. She then made a comment saying that I go out every weekend. I said, “Atleast I’m not sleeping over his place every day like Steven does.” And that is when she snapped. She told me to stop comparing but I can’t. It’s unfair. I can’t even go out on fucking weekends? How pathetic is that. And then she brought up how it’s only been three months that we’ve been dating. Woah hold up! I dated Roberto for three years, and fucking eight months. That wasn’t enough to even have Roberto tuck me in at night, he was never allowed in my room with the door closed.

Excuse after excuse with my mom. I can never win, never. I have to ask for everything, and I’m always turned down. My brother just does things and he always gets what he wants. I can’t have friends over, ever, but I come home to my brother’s friends at our house every day. My mom says I’m jealous, and even my dad snapped at her. It’s not jealousy. I’m not jealous at all. It’s just not fair. Nothing is fair, nothing will ever be fair. My mom needs a reality check. She needs to start realizing that my brother gets everything he wants, and more. I don’t ask for things, ever. But fuck my boyfriend comes over, or I hang out with him and suddenly I’m “going out to much”. I see him on weekends. It’s my fucking life. I am tired of it.

I like my job but I’m stuck here for a while. I was stuck at NoFrills for five years because my mom said I had it made there. I had benefits, I had first seniority on days off, but NoFrills was hell. My mom never believed me when I said it. But when Steven started working there, and he complained about it, she suddenly realized how messed up NoFrills was. My job is fine, but I’m not happy. I get paid to play Candy Crush and surf the internet but I’m not happy. That’s not a career. I want more. But I’m stuck until I find a better job because my mom once again thinks I have it made. 25 years old. It’s time I start listening to myself. I’m thinking about my future. One thing I know for sure though is I will never, ever be a mother to my kids like how my mom was to me. I’m going to be better than her. I’ll show her how it’s done.

And so, what did I do that I regret?

I almost broke up with Vince last night. He doesn’t deserve all this drama, or this baggage that I carry around with me. I messaged him and told him “You deserve better than me. You deserve to have someone who will make you happy, and make you laugh, make you feel like the world. I’m none of that. You deserve the world. A world without me ruining it.” He didn’t answer for a while, he was napping. He tried calling me and I declined it. I was in tears. I wanted to run away. I wanted to be alone. I think I deserve to be alone. My mom is and will always ruin my life. But I’m not going to let her ruin Vince’s either. He messaged me and told me I took a 180 turn.

“You just told me at Warped Tour how happy I make you, how you want to be with me, how we’re meant for each other and now you’re saying I don’t deserve you. Don’t let one negative thing with your mom ruin your entire life. Do you want a future with me? Do you want to be with me and raise a family together? Do you want to have a house and grow old with me? We spoke about this. It’s what I want. You told me you did too and that’s why we took it to the next level.”

This made me cry even more. I dream about having a house and kids, and the perfect family. I dream about my Pumpkin themed wedding and getting married in October. I dream about the perfect wedding dress and walking down the aisle to my husband. And the person in my dreams with me is Vince. All he has to do is look at my Pinterest, and he can see how eager I am to start my future. House photos, wedding photos, wedding accessories, kid’s names. I think of all of this. He knows it. He knows I want to be with him forever. So why did I say this? I had nothing to say after. I messed up. I’m used to losing people and I wanted to save him the heart break. He doesn’t need a girlfriend who is dealing with this too. But he clearly wants me, he wants to help me. I accept that and I fucking love him for this.

“Babe, I want to come over. There is something I want to tell you.” I begged him not to come. It was 10pm and my fucking mother would have a fit. “Remember what I wrote in the sand? I want it to have meaning.” I love this guy. I can’t push him away. Why would I say that to him? I feel terrible. I want him. I want to live with him. I want to have three curly headed kids with him. I want to be with him forever. No one is going to ruin this for me. My mom can continue to ruin my life, but she is not taking Vince away from me. He made it clear he is in this with me forever, and that he will always be by my side. I may not have a perfect life, or a perfect family but I sure as hell have the most perfect boyfriend and my future with him will only become brighter.

[itsanoneg-blog]

Holy crap, all my dreams really did come true. Warped tour was amazing. Days leading up to the tour I was stressed. Having two of your favourite bands playing at the same time, on different stages is a nightmare. Thankfully everything I prayed for worked out. I got to see every single band I wanted to see, and I even got to meet the two bands I wanted to. I am also super lucky that I got to share this experience with Vince. He made it all worth it.

I was stressed waiting in the long ass line up. Doors opened at 11am, the first band goes on at 11:30am and I was so nervous. They never put well known bands first, so I thought I’d be okay if I missed a couple minutes of it. We ended up getting in before 11am which was awesome. I checked the schedule, and I sprinted to the Journeys stage. Issues, the band I fucking love was playing first. What?! Vince and I ran. We ended up being third row and holy crap it was incredible. Third time seeing them, and they never fail to amaze me. I finally got to hear their song Flojo live. I was shaking. No one understands how much I love and adore this band. Thank you Roberto for introducing me to them because they have become one of my favourites.

We had a bit of a break in between Issues, and the next band I wanted to see. Palaye Royale and Broadside were playing at the little stage, right after one another. Vince and I didn’t care to be front row for them, so we sat in the shade under a tree. I felt so comfortable, so amazing. Laying on the grass with Vince and listening to them perform was amazing. Palaye Royale, third time seeing them, and these boys always amaze me. So full of energy and such sweethearts. Second time seeing Broadside and I am falling more and more in love with them.

After this I went to the tents. Silverstein was doing a signing, so I bought an album of theirs to sign. I looked at the time of the signing and I wanted to cry. The signing was the same time as Senses Fail’s performance. Senses Fail is the band Vince wanted to see. I looked at him and gave him the saddest puppy dog face. He told me not to worry, that he’d see Senses Fail alone. Silverstein was coming on stage in 45 minutes. Vince and I ran to the stage, and the God’s answered my prayers. I got front row for Silverstein. Front fucking row! I couldn’t stop shaking. I sang every song, every word, every scream too. These boys I have no words for. Mad respect. The band that introduced me to hard core music way back in 2007. I was seeing them for the third time, and this was beyond the best performance ever. I cried. It was perfect. I got kicked in the head several times from crowd surfers, but it didn’t phase me. Elementary school/high school Erica was in full emo mode. As soon as their set ended, I was supposed to run to their merch tent for the signing. The guitarist threw his pic into the crowd and it landed near the security. Big guys around me were screaming because they wanted the pic. The chick beside me was yelling for it too. Security guard was stuck on who to give it too. But then I put my hand out and said, “I’m wearing their shirt, I love them.” And he gave me the pic.

It doesn’t stop there. Couple minutes later they arrived at their tent. I was alone at this point and I was crying. I was finally meeting Silverstein. This didn’t seem real. I got a picture with Shane, the lead singer. I was crying. I got them to sign my CD, I spoke to Josh and Paul and ugh. This band is my fucking favourite. I was so happy. Beyond happy. I called Vince because by the time I met Silverstein, Senses Fail’s set was over. He told me he was under the blue tent. He wasn’t facing my direction. I ran up to him, wrapped my arms around him, and said “BABE!” He gave me the biggest hug and told me he was so happy for me. He was laughing too because I got Billy’s pic even though everyone else was yelling for it. You got to do what you got to do when it comes to your favourites.

After Silverstein’s performance we had atleast three hours until the other three bands I wanted to see. They were performing at the Journeys stage. I did not like that stage. Too big, I was too far back. At one point we passed Issue’s merch tent and Vince said, “Hey babe, your band is there.” I ran and I got a picture with Tyler fucking Carter of Issues. LOVE LOVE LOVE HIM! I also got a picture with their drummer Josh, and my favourite guitarist AJ. Complete. My life is fucking complete. Right when I thought this day couldn’t get any better, it did.

We were waiting for Sum 41 to perform. Sitting under a tree, in the dirt. I was singing but couldn’t see anything. I leaned on Vince, and he showed me what he wrote in the sand. “I <3 U” I didn’t say anything. I didn’t know what to say. He said, “I really do, I hope you know.” I just grabbed him and gave him the biggest hug. I wanted too cry. This day was just too much. Finally after Sum 41, we went to the other stage and saw Crown the Empire. Again, third time seeing them and fuck. I love me some CTE.

And to end off the most perfect tour, Simple Plan. Three was my lucky number. This was my third time seeing them. My favourite band since I was in grade 6. Doesn’t matter who you are, everyone knows Simple Plan. Sitting there ontop of a hill, over looking Toronto, holding your boyfriend, and just singing along to Simple Plan.

No words.

Incredible fucking day.

I am beyond lucky.

And to add to all of this, my boyfriend is the most amazing guy ever.  

[itsanoneg-blog]

Love is just a word until someone gives it meaning.

The looks. The smile. The voice. The kisses. The hugs. The butterflies. Everything is beyond incredible with Vince by my side. I honestly can’t get over how perfect everything about my relationship is. It has only been two months, but what I feel in such a short amount of time compares to a relationship of over 5 years. I honestly love this guy more than the word itself. He gave this word true meaning to me. I can’t look at him without thinking how madly in love I am with him. It feels like I have known him my entire life. I am falling madly in love with my best friend. I can already and have already opened up to him about everything. I feel beyond comfortable around him, and most importantly I can be 100% myself.

This weekend we went to a bar with a couple of my friends. One of them made a comment. He’s usually very judgemental, he’s usually negative and always has something to say regardless of what he’s saying. But he made a comment that made me freeze. I looked over at Vince and just smiled and kissed him like crazy. Sex is on Fire by Kings of Leon came on. Before any of the words started to play my friend asked what this song was. At the same time, in the highest pitched voice ever Vince and I sang “Ohhhhh this sex is on fireeee”. My friend laughed, looked up and said, “Wow these two really are made for each other.” I could not stop thinking of what he said. It’s beyond accurate. It’s one thing to think and feel that the person you’re with is made for you but when others notice, it feels amazing.

[itsanoneg-blog]

You got me haunted 

I’ve said this before and I will constantly say it daily. How the fuck did I get so lucky? 

This weekend was perfect, my boyfriend has so much respect for me and honestly, I cannot imagine my life without him. Thursday night was a mess. My mom pissed me off, somewhat ruined our plans for our sleep over before Ottawa. I couldn’t hold back my tears. She constantly treats me like a baby, and I am sick of it. I am sick of having to hide things, of having to lie in order to live my own life. I was so tempted to move out and I still am. Thankfully Vince kept me sane. This was the first time he saw me cry. He picked me up from my house and he could tell just by pulling up that I was in tears. He wanted to give me a hug and kiss, but I just wanted him to drive. To get out of my area, I wanted to be as far away from my family as possible. All I did in the car was vent. He sat there and listened. He made everything better. He moved out not to long ago from similar situations, so he fully understood everything I was going through, and more. I would not stop talking. I couldn’t stop talking. I love opening up to him and I did.

Before I knew it, we were at Dairy Queen. Ice cream makes everything better and he knows that. I got out of the car and gave him the biggest hug ever. Me being super sensitive, I started to cry even more. Seriously I am the luckiest girl ever. We sat outside eating our ice cream, cracking jokes and honestly nothing else mattered. People always look at us in public because yes, my boyfriend is super loud and obnoxious, and again, I did not care. I didn’t want this night to end. The breeze, the nightly drives, the ice cream run, it was beyond incredible. It’s the little things like that, that I honour so much in a relationship. Thankfully the night didn’t end there, because I did sleep over. Going to bed with him and waking up to him is the best feeling in the world.

Ottawa weekend was great. I was super moody and uncomfortable at times, but Vince completely understood. We stayed at his friend’s sisters apartment, with 7 other people and no air conditioning. Lucky, we had the bed, but his drunken friend laid with us for two nights. That wasn’t a problem. It was just too stuffy and hot I wanted to leave. Aside from that though, I had a great time. His friends are just as dorky and weird as him. It’s like having another set of Vince’s just not as cute. They seemed to like me. They treated me as if I was their friends for years. They didn’t exclude me, they made me feel completely welcomed and comfortable. I was taking shots with them, I partnered with them for games, it was so fun. Until I got way too drunk. Vince took care of me perfectly. I knew everything that was happening, I was even aware of what I was about to do. I asked him to come to the bathroom with me, and I puked my freaking brains out. He constantly gave me water, and bread and held my hair up. Talk about the perfect guy.

Our drunken conversations were a bit uhm, awkward to say the least. Awkward but perfect. I recalled a different version of these conversations but Vince, who wasn’t drunk said otherwise. I remember laying in the bed with him and having him say to me that he wants to share something with me but it’s too soon. I knew he meant the words, I love you. I’m not sure how that conversation ended but apparently that never happened. I remember saying what I said, but apparently, I was the only one who brought it up. While laying down completely drunk, I grabbed him and said, “Babe there is something I want to say to you, but I can’t just yet. And I want you to say it first.” He responded with, “I know babe. I feel the same, but let’s not have this conversation drunk. I want to wait, and I want it to be at the right time.” And then I passed the fuck out.

I am so in love with him, it Is obvious. I know it’s not right to compare but my feelings towards him are so much stronger than anyone else. I have never been this eager to tell someone I love them. When you’re drunk the truth comes out. Thankfully I didn’t say it, because I do want to wait but the way he treated me while I was drunk felt perfect. He didn’t ignore me at all this weekend, and most guys become different around their friends. Vince is so true. He is so honest. And I know he is into this just as much as I am. We spoke about our future, we spoke (jokingly) about kid’s names, and how ugly they would be with both our curly hair. We spoke about wanting to move out together and it just made me so excited for the future. Guys hate talking about this, but Vince is so open about it. Again, I don’t care how soon it is. I know Vince is the one and I know that I truly love this guy.

[itsanoneg-blog]

Have faith, restart, just hold on

I really don’t know how to help you anymore, I’ve tried for many years and honestly there is nothing I can possibly do. Again, you seek attention and you just admitted it over Twitter as well. “If I send you a text or snapchat venting about a problem, it’s a call for help and I need help.” You snap chat me at least 10 times a day, photos of yourself crying, saying you should end it all, saying how you hate yourself. Like what can I possibly do? For starters I am at work, I can’t call you and make things better. You need professional help, and you need it asap. There is nothing I can do or say to make your life better. I can’t help you. I choose to ignore it and remain silent because I have not gone through anything like this, ever. I don’t know how to react or respond, and I definitely wouldn’t have to proper words to say.

I tried by finding you a guy. I know that a relationship shouldn’t decide your happiness, but you’re so broken it’s the only way. I feel bad for the guy who ends up with you. I’m not being a bitch but that is the truth. You push people away. When people drift away because of you, you get depressed, make them feel guilty and force them back into your life. Reality check: that’s not how life works. You have problems, deal with them. You want to vent to friends and family, go ahead. But don’t get mad at them for not responding to every cry for help. And please, stop with the depressing suicide tweets, and the tweets about you self-harming. Again, bitchy thing to say but honestly, it’s just your way of seeking attention. I haven’t responded to any of your photos since our last game night. Why? Because why should I, it really is pointless. I’m not here to encourage your depressing behaviour. I have a life!

That brings me to yesterday night.

I realized my life really is perfect. I’m not rubbing it in, I don’t care what others think but I love where I am in life. I love my family, I love myself and I love my relationship more than anything. I am extremely happy, and no one can take that away from me. I went for a long car ride with Vince last night and it was amazing. The sunset was gorgeous, it was pink and yellow and blue, it was the most perfect night ever. He took me along Olde Baseline Road, and I was in heaven. I love country side roads. I love looking out and seeing nothing but green grass, and trees. Every once in a while, you see cows, or horses. I love that. This could be my life. I love seeing a house every so often, and not cluttered together. Blasting music, watching that gorgeous sunset and holding hands with Vince was something I could live with forever.

He’s been talking about this road for a long while, it’s called Forks of the Credit Road. He told me how a lot of people have died on this road, how it has a lot of hair pin turns, steep up and down hills, and how all the barrier walls are broken. I was terrified, I told him I never wanted to go on that road. He took a wrong turn as we were driving off Olde Baseline Road, said he was looking for Hurontario street. I believed him. He made his turn and went by this odd-looking forest like road. He made a sound, so I would look over at him. I didn’t see the sign, I didn’t know what road we were on. His speed picked up. I was in awe. This road was so pretty. Like walking through a closed forest but only in a car instead. It didn’t clue in to me, but these hills, these turns, they were crazy. Surprisingly it was so fun. We cranked the music louder and louder. He came to a stop and said, “Did you enjoy that?” I had the biggest smile on my face, and said yes, a million times. I felt free, I felt alive, I wasn’t thinking of anything, my mind was completely clear. I was looking up at the sky, looking at the cottage like houses, looking at the lake, and watching the trees blow in the wind. He said, “Well that was Forks of the Credit Road.” I was so shocked. Trying something new is so exciting. If I knew it was that road, I would have said turn around. But I loved it. It was surprisingly fun, who would have thought.

And now, it’s moments like these that make all the bullshit go away. It’s moments like these that make me realize life is pretty good. I cannot wait for my future with Vince. It can only get better, and I am so ready!

[itsanoneg-blog]

One love

Honestly, my days with him just keep getting better and better. Life is actually so amazing and there really is no denying that. The days go by so quickly and the weeks go by even quicker. This weekend was really fun, and I realized how much better my life is now then it was a couple months ago. Who would have known that swiping right and meeting a guy you were hesitant about on Tinder could change your entire world around. Again, lesson learned. Don’t search for love, when the right person comes along you will know, and you won’t even have to search. I can write an entire novel on this topic, I lived through it all and I even experienced many bad break ups. But there is always hope, there is always a brighter path and there really is one right person for all of us. I definitely found my person and I am so lucky to have found him when I needed him the most.

I feel so free in life now. I feel like I can be myself and do things for myself. I don’t feel like a child, I don’t have rules, and being this way makes me feel like I have a purpose. That my relationship has a purpose. Being with my ex, I realized I was walking on egg shells, even before we fought. If I wanted to go get a drink at Starbucks he would question me why. If I wanted to go shopping, he had to come and choose clothes for me. I could never wear certain colours because he didn’t think I looked good in them. I couldn’t even dye my hair the colours I wanted, or even wear makeup without being accused of wearing too much and anyone who knows me knows that I don’t even wear a lot of makeup. I wasn’t living for myself, I was just pleasing him. I thought what we had was perfect, and I thought he was the one. But really, I was just so set on what we had, that I didn’t see all the signs in front of me. And I’m not saying I regret anything, I just realize now that what I have is perfect, and the one I am with is the one for me.

Vince and I went shopping this weekend, and I never thought shopping could be that fun or exciting. He is such a nut ball, honestly the funniest guy I have ever met. Shopping with him felt right, I felt like I had a voice, I felt like I could do what I want. Both of us enjoyed our day, both of us kept cracking jokes, and both of us did and ate what WE wanted. Sometimes he is very embarrassing, and honestly if it was anyone else doing what he does I would have left out of embarrassment. Not with him. With him I proudly hold his hand and let everyone know that this idiot is mine. I just laugh at him, I constantly smile, and everything feels perfect. I am usually quiet, especially in movie theatres. We went to watch Hereditary, terrible movie. The entire theatre was loud and annoying. Vince yelled out at one point, “Can you all shut the fuck up?” That’s my boy. It didn’t work though. The people in front of us were so annoying. Five little Muslim girls. I coughed, and two of them turned around and gave me a look. Excuse me? Did my cough annoy you?

---

This weekend we both also met some more family. He met my cousins, their boyfriends and my nonna. They all seemed to like Vince, said he was funny and nice, also super cute and small. I also met his zia and zio and his two cousins. It seemed like his zia didn’t like me too much, but she gave me a hug afterwards which made me feel better. Vince said they liked me though, so I believe that. His uncle kept laughing and saying, “who in their right mind would ever want to date Vince?” ME!

 I cannot wait till Friday, our road trip to Ottawa!!

[itsanoneg-blog]

Today is the first day in awhile that I’ve felt this way. I am not even sure what I am feeling or why, but it sucks. It might be because I am still sick, it’s been a whole four days and I am just over this cold. I cannot stop sneezing; my nose is red because it won’t stop running, and I cannot stop blowing it. On top of all this, I miss Vince a lot. I actually haven’t missed him as much as I do now, and I have no idea why. I just feel so alone at the moment, even though I know I’m not. His work schedule this week has been hectic. I asked if he was free any day this week, before Friday to hang out. He originally said Wednesday maybe, which is today. And today is here and I don’t know if I am seeing him. I really want to see him. I really need to see him. To feel his warm body against mine, to kiss him, to just look into those green eyes. Everything goes away when I am with him. I really want to feel that way again. Crossing my fingers that he finishes work early. I really need to smile again…

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Continuation about how my night played out.. 

Wednesday was a roller coaster of emotions for me. I honestly don’t even know how to describe it. But it turned out to be an amazing night, a night I really needed. Not what I was expecting either. I thought Vince was just coming over to hang out but he thought we were going for dinner. I looked a mess and was still in my pyjamas. Vince on the other hand looked like a model. My jaw actually dropped as he stepped out of the car. How was I dating this amazing human? Honestly. 

We ended up going to Kelseys because I had a gift card. Everything about this dinner date was beyond incredible. By the end of dinner my face hurt so much from laughing. Vince was even laughing so hard. We just connect, and honestly I love what we have. It’s indescribable. I did not care about anything around me. My eyes glued to Vince and nothing around me mattered. Usually if someone is being loud in public I tell them to settle down, or I feel uncomfortable. This time, not a care in the world. My laugh echoed through the entire restaurant, I couldn’t help myself. Hands down the best dinner date I had ever.

He came back to my house for a little while and I honestly once again just melted into him. Even though my mom is against “boyfriends in the bedroom” I didn’t care. I didn’t let it bother me. I held and cuddled Vince so tightly. I kissed him every chance I got. This boy, the way he makes me feel, every single thing about him is going to be the death of me. Once I said good-bye I swear I could not let go. I thanked him for coming when I needed him most. Everything I dreamed of in a guy, and everything I think relationships should be, is everything I have, finally. 

[itsanoneg-blog]

My time will come & I'll be the lucky one

What does it mean to be lucky? Well by definition it means happening by chance or resulting in good by chance. Sounds accurate I guess but, in my case, lucky is having the most incredible person by my side. Being able to call him mine and share my life with him. That’s called being the luckiest girl in the world and honestly, I am. Many people just think I went through a break up recently, but not many people know the entire story. I am the only person who knows what I went through. I was in a dark place for such a long time, even when I tried to get myself back on my feet, I failed. I was giving up. I was going to just focus on me, stop letting others control how and what I feel. When I tried finding someone after my ex, it didn’t work out, twice actually. At the time I dug myself deeper into that dark hole, but now I am glad everything happened the way it did. I am a strong believer in the saying “In order to succeed you have to fail many times.” This is exactly what I have gone through. And now, when I gave up and didn’t care anymore, something sparked. Vince changed my entire life. My life is so incredibly different. Life is amazing. I am happy with not only my relationship but with myself. He makes me a priority, he helps me out and encourages me in every possible way. He makes me focus on me. He makes me realize that in order to love someone else you have to love yourself first. I think that’s why what I feel towards him is so different and stronger than what I felt towards my ex. I am finally happy with myself. I can finally look at myself and say, “wow I look good” or “today is going to be a great day” all with a smile on my face. Not only did I find my person, my soul mate, my everything but I also found Erica.

Last night I could not stop smiling, even to the point that I started crying because I was just so happy. I made a Discord account recently and Vince added me to a chat with a couple of his friends who live out of the country. I’ve been in the chat for about a week now and I can see everything. I decided to search through the chats, I could see old messages from before I was even in the chat. My heart stopped. Everything I said to my friends about Vince, and how I felt about him is exactly how he felt about me. He talked about our first date, and how amazing it was. “I just had the perfect date, she is a God sent gift no word of lie.” He also said, “It’s very rare that you go on a date, met someone for the first time and feel extremely comfortable and yourself around them. It was the perfect mixture of heart to heart conversations, with a bit of flirting.” He mentioned how originally, he was on Tinder for hook ups, he had given up on the whole relationship thing. He’s never had one because he said he was looking for his someone. “I wanted a hook up but shit this girl is incredible. I’m going to take things slow but damn she’s not just a hook up for me, I want more than that.” A couple chats in, like the second time we met he was saying to his friends that he thinks I was interested in him, “she asked for my Instagram and Snapchat, so I think she is interested.” Hell yeah! I was interested the moment I laid eyes on him. The moment he opened the car door for me. The moment he looked at me with those green eyes. His friend being a typical guy asked if I was hot. “That doesn’t matter, but she is gorgeous, want pics?” And he sent a picture.

This made me so happy. I never thought guys did that. I was so happy that he wanted something more with me. I am so happy that we’re both on the same track with literally everything. And just when I thought it couldn’t get any more perfect I woke up at 5:00am for what ever reason. I looked at my phone and saw that Vince had messaged me at 4:30am. I opened it, I thought something was wrong, nothing wrong at all. “Babe my bed smells like you, I want you here. I am so glad I met you honestly like I just can’t even. You make me feel so many things all at once, it’s hard to describe but one thing I know is I always want you with me, that’s for sure.” What? Suddenly at 5am I was wide awake. I responded but man I could not fall back asleep. I wanted to bounce off the walls, like why me? Why did I honestly get so freaking lucky? What did I do to deserve such an incredible guy? What ever I did, I am thankful for it. I am not losing this one. He is mine, and he is mine forever.

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This weekend. Another incredible weekend spent with Vince. A lot different than most weekends. We had our first sleep over together, and it all played out perfectly. My mom wasn’t bothering me with text messages, not one single bother from anyone. The best thing about this weekend with him was our car rides. Late night car rides, watching the sunset and blasting good music, it was beyond amazing. I love that we both enjoy similar music, it’s so fun being able to sing at the top of your lungs together. Once we got to his house, we ate and watched a movie with his mom. I love watching movies with his family. They’re so nice and supportive, they’re fun to be around and I think they like me alot. Although I was so tired Friday night and fell asleep right after our cuddle session, I enjoyed myself. Not having to worry about driving home, just being able to fall asleep in his arms. I could get used to that.

My friends also met him Saturday and I think it went pretty well. Vince was talking to everyone and making them all laugh. He was so comfortable around them, like he’s known them for years. It was great. Again, what’s not to like about him. He truly is the most incredible guy ever. And he just messaged me this while at work, “Well babe, nobody said it would be easy to find the right person, but it looks like I found it with you.” D-O-N-E <3