itsjahn

[itsjahn]

Outgrowing Myself While Still Becoming

I didn’t think I’d be afraid of growing. That’s what we’re all supposed to want, right? Growth, evolution, becoming our “best selves.” I used to chase it relentlessly, books, podcasts, self-help rituals, cutting off toxic people, like it would fix everything. And for a while, it felt like it was working.

But lately… I’ve been scared.

Not of failing. Not of being stuck. But of who I’m turning into. Of who I’m leaving behind.

There are moments I catch myself doing something that the old me would’ve never done, setting boundaries, saying no without guilt, dreaming bigger than feels “safe”—and instead of celebrating it, I freeze. I wonder if I’m losing something. Or someone.

I’m losing versions of myself I clung to for comfort. The one who was always agreeable, even when it hurt. The one who didn’t ask for much. The one who played small because it felt easier than risking rejection. That version of me wasn’t perfect, but it was mine. It helped me survive. And the worst part? I’m not even “there” yet. I’m still becoming. Still figuring it out. Still fumbling. Some days I feel powerful, clear-headed, proud. Other days, I miss the predictability of who I used to be, even if that version of me wasn’t happy. At least he was familiar.

[itsjahn]

What if the person you wanted to be is exactly the person you are right now?

It was actually discussed in the heirarchy of needs by Maslow, the self-actualization. We kept asking for more, we are asking for things we don't have, because we believe that is what we want and what we deserve.

Sometimes that is what we missed. We missed the acceptance. We missed the joy. We missed the overflowing self love. Sometimes the hardest part of acceptance is embracing what you really you are. Accepting your flaws. Accepting what is lacking in you. Remember what selena gomez says in her song Who Says

Who says you're not perfect

Who says you're not worth it.

What you are right now is the person what you are supposed to be, and for you to be able to grow you mus start accepting what is not missing, but believing what you have and what you can offer to yourself.

[itsjahn]

I had my anxiety in 2021 but I was able to get through it. And I know I will be able to get through it again whenever it will strike me in 2022.

[itsjahn]

There is this feeling that burdens me.

It's 2:00 am. I'm supposed to be asleep. Instead, I am facing this write-up, feeling I have something to say.

What do I want? What do I want to do? What keeps me going? Am I deserving to love? Am I too dramatic? What if’s.. and so on.

Sometimes I find it hard to say what do I want and what is happening inside my mind. When I look in the mirror, my face was deceiving, I look very happy. 

[itsjahn]

Sometimes we fall into a fear that is too difficult to overcome. And sometimes it results to many other fears. Making us feel like we’re crashing down. But we can’t stay in this situation for too long, how will we pick ourselves up?

I found myself fearing — I am wasting my life, going on the wrong track. I am being a slave to a corporation, or to money, a prisoner in an office. It made me thinking I am missing a lot of opportunities outside. I’m almost used my full capacity. It even made me jealous of my colleagues who make more money, have more time, and enjoy more adventures than me.

I still feel these fears, however one cannot stay like this for too long. We have to find a way out. We have to stop the hurting. We are not ourselves when we’re bleeding emotionally. We have to heal.

[itsjahn]

no matter how far we can always share the moon and sky

[itsjahn]

kinda tired of being okay with things i’m not okay with.

[itsjahn]

I hope we are all our own home. Our own safe space. Yung kapag hindi ka okay, yayakapin mo ng mahigpit yung sarili mo. Yung kapag iiyak ka hindi ka aasa sa iba na aabutan ka ng panyo at kusa mo sa sarili mo na pupunasan yung mga luha mo. Kapag pagod ka uuwi ka sa sarili mong pahinga, iibsan mo yung pagal. At kahit ilang beses kang maligaw hindi mo makakalimutan kilalanin yung sariling ikaw.

[itsjahn]

I truly believe that when you knows what you really deserve, you will not settle for less. You will not lower your standard for you to meet halfway. You will not gonna settle for love that confuses you.

[itsjahn]

[itsjahn]

the moon

and the sun

are love

and fear;

one fades

as the other one

arises.

[itsjahn]

Maybe in another universe

we’d embrace the same place

as cloud embrace sky,

but in this life

the sky

embraces us

as sky embraces air.

[itsjahn]

8/8/2021

I am happy.

[itsjahn]

My Antidote

I do not love you

Just for the sake of loving.

But because you have given me

Tranquility on days

Where I have given up on my self.

[itsjahn]

Kapag nalulungkot ka. Malungkot ka. ‘Wag mo pigilan ang sarili mo. Tuklasin mo yung emosyon, alamin mo yung nangyayari sa loob mo. Gumawa ka ng mapa ng mga emosyon mo. Damhin mo yung emosyon na yon kahit minsan. Kasama ito sa karanasan ng isang pagiging tao. Pero wag na wag kang gagamit ng ibang tao para mapawi yung lungkot na yon. Wag kang gagamit ng iba, para punan ang patlang, para sagutan ang mga tanong, para gumaan ang pakiramdam ng damdamin mo. Tandaan mo yung isa sa mga sinabi ni Socrates “to find yourself, think for yourself.”

[itsjahn]

My

In you,

I couldn't imagine found all

Not seeing you can make me sore.

In you,

the love that I wish i could have all

coudn't imagine a day without baby being called.

In you,

I have been skeptic

but you are undeniable, and worth to fight for.

[itsjahn]