itsjayyyy

[itsjayyyy]

i’ve learned to love the vasoconstriction

[itsjayyyy]

July 15, 2021 7:19 pm

we were supposed to go on our first date tonight. she said her step sis had gall bladdersurgery and had to cancel so i said its okay we can always do it on the weekend since i’m free this weekend. i thought about it more because she’s used her sister having gall bladder surgery as an excuse to cancel on our friend group before, and checked her location to see if she was really at a hospital. she wasnt. she was at home. she just didn’t want to go out with me. i can’t stop crying

i used to think to myself that i wouldnt mind being in a toxic relationship as long as i could hide behind the facade that i was loved, as long as i could have a few moments where i believed iwas loved. well i finally got my dream of having a liar as a girlfriend who pretends to love me. i spent all of the last week thinking about love and now it’s coming crashing down. i’m too drunk for this how did the text just get smaller

i’m just gonnqa cry and listen to mitski

[itsjayyyy]

November 12, 2020 1:23 pm

Like most other things, I forgot about this blog for the last half-year due to the pandemic turning my brain to mush. I can’t even write about how I’ve been the last few months because I can’t remember. But what I can do is start making progress on getting my life together.

Right now the only thing that’s really driving me is the idea of starting a community garden, but as a broke college student, I don’t have the resources for that. So I need to focus on myself. They say to put your own mask on first when the plane goes down, after all.

It’s kind of hard to actually put myself first, though. I genuinely don’t know how to take care of myself. So this post is going to be just me trying to figure out all the things I need to do.

Before I start looking at the day-to-day necessities, I want to think big picture to get motivated. First: I’m getting a car in January. This isn’t a “I want to get a car” but I am for sure getting one, the first thing I do when I get my student refund (since this is likely the last one I’ll get). Second: I’m going to quit my job as a busser and start working delivery services. It’s not being whiny and spoiled to say that I cannot work food service jobs, it’s being honest about the fact that I have physical handicaps that make it painful to stand for 8 hours a day. Plus, ubereats/postmates pays way more than a literal $5.44/hr. Third: I’m going to get an ADHD diagnosis. I’ve spent a year researching the symptoms but I haven’t been able to do anything because of the cost. As soon as I get money I’m going to get diagnosed and get treatment. Fourth: I’m going to graduate. I’m not putting a deadline on when, but I need to keep reminding myself that I’ll graduate, that I’m not going to be stuck living like this forever. 

Okay, so on to my current life, since I need to make it two more months. I need to stay on top of my sorority duties, keep my room clean, eat real food, get exercise, and pass my classes.

I’ve tried making daily schedules, but they honestly never work. My days are never structured enough to have a schedule set in stone. Plus, I can’t keep focus when the schedule just says “study for 3 hours.” I need to make a list of tasks and check them off throughout the day. I’ve made a monthly cleaning schedule, so hopefully that helps.

Okay I expected to go in detail of how I’d bring my life together, but I’m starting to lose concentration on writing this post so I’m just going to start doing things, starting with my bio lab.

[itsjayyyy]

July 10, 2020 10:23 pm

Today I went to check out my new apartment. I slept in till noon, and then cleaned my room a little. I didn’t have any (unexpired) food in my house and my bank account was overdrafted, so I hit my vape more than normal to compensate for the extended fasting. I at least had some instant coffee with sugar. I also texted iris asking if we could facetime today; i needed to ask her for help with my bills. Around 4:30, I headed to Sydney’s. Cami came by a little later, the three of us hung out for a while and looked around the place. Cami suggested we order pizza, and she said she’d cover the cost. It said it would arrive at 7:30, so I asked iris if we could do it at 8:30 to give me enough time. While we waited, we chatted about high school experiences and family, two topics that I don’t have many good things to say about. I didn’t have much to add to the conversation, so I sat off to the side and vaped more. By 8, the pizza still hadn’t come, and the tracker said it was delayed. We agreed to just cancel it since we had waited over an hour. Cami asked if I wanted to go somewhere to eat, but I had to facetime iris so I couldn’t. I walked back to my building (through the rain, of course) and facetimed iris. I hate having to ask for money, but I had no choice. She sent me enough to bring my bank account above 0 and to cover my credit card bills. After I get my first paycheck I’ll pay her back. I’m also writing up a new list of rules regarding my finances. I can’t let myself keep spending all of my savings.

I’m just so tired. I’m tired of struggling to pay my bills, I’m tired of this pandemic, I’m tired of working minimum wage jobs that drain my energy, I’m tired of being in love with cami and not knowing how to tell her, being scared of telling her. I just want everything to be over.

[itsjayyyy]

okay so !! tomorrow the plan is to wake up at 6, walk to publix to get food at 7, then go to goodwill to try to find some plates. then i’ll come home, have some lunch and chill, then go out to trader joe’s to get natural deodorant ingredients and frozen food. i’m gonna write a full list of things to buy in the reminders app.

yeehaw i’m so excited to be productive

[itsjayyyy]

June 1, 2020 11:46 am

We’ve reached the middle of the year. Well, it’ll technically be the middle of the year at the end of this month, but you get the point. This year has honestly not existed past february though. Quarantine sucks.

It’s Monday!! We’re officially in our fourth week of summer classes. And like I said yesterday, I’ve done almost nothing. So today I officially begin studying. I’m actually really motivated for it, because now that I’ve chosen a real career path, my current classes are so much more relevant. I mean, when I was going for AI, all I could think was “most of these classes are useless to the field of AI, I don’t care about them” but now that I’m looking to work in a library, it’s pretty important that I know how computers and databases work.

So the plan for today: Start watching the zoom videos. I’ve been putting them off for so long because it’s intimidating to see 8 videos, each 2 hours long, that I need to take notes on. So I’m going to not try to rush it; today I’ll aim to watch the first 4 videos. Oh I just checked, they’re not all exactly 2 hours, actually it’s only 4 and a half hours. I can totally finish that by today. After the first four videos, it should be around 6pm. Then I’ll do a load of laundry and watch the next video, which is an hour. After putting my laundry in the dryer, I’ll watch the next video. After that, I’ll put my laundry away and spend the rest of the evening with a bottle of wine.

Tomorrow: I’ll actually start with the project, since there’s a few more things we need to do on that. After that, I’ll try to watch the last two videos, and get started on the homework assignment for that class. Wednesday, thursday, and friday will be me continuing to do the homework. No more binge watching netflix during the day!!!! We’re gonna be productive and LEARN!!!

[itsjayyyy]

May 31, 2020 2:40 pm

Alright guys I’m back. And I’m probably going to be here more often. I’ve found that not only can I type much faster than I can write (with less cramping too), I like that this blog is accessible anywhere, any time. Also, I tend to avoid my laptop and stick to my phone in an attempt to procrastinate, so getting me to spend more time on my computer will make homework on my computer feel more natural and not so compartmentalized. I’m not going to be playing video games or checking social media because that’ll just make it worse, so I figure writing like this will be the best thing for me to do.

So much has happened since my last update, and as you can probably tell, I didn’t write in my physical journal like I said I would. Right now, we’re about to start the fourth week of summer classes. I attended the first lecture in each of my classes, and then completely ignored them until now. I have to play catch up pretty intensely this week because of it; I have my first two projects due at the end of the week. 

I’ve been recently trying to do therapy on myself from within the confines of my bedroom with only a self help book and some weed, and honestly? I’ve made more progress in a few weeks of quarantine than months of actual therapy. I’ve realized a few things: my parents’ emotional neglect has caused me to be mentally stuck at 11 years old (around the time they stopped caring about me), and I need to re-parent myself. I haven’t even acknowledged my emotions in so long, it feels weird to finally be thinking of them now. I’ve got the feelings of a preteen with the adult responsibility of bills. Like, I never did teenage things as a teenager, or young adult things as a young adult. I continued to stay at home on the internet all the time. But now that I’ve realized this, I’m going to start trying to really live life, and not just stay mentally stuck in middle school. It feels like I’ve cured my childhood autism lol. 

In terms of dating, it does feel weird that I’m 21 and still a virgin. It’s kind of so embarrassing that I don’t want to have my first be with a real relationship, because at this age it’ll be considered too significant ya know. So I think I might actually get a sugar daddy (when corona is over). It’ll be mutually beneficial; I can have someone show me the ropes of sex without having a deep connection that would make me normally uncomfortable, they get sex with a 21 year old, and most importantly, I get easy money to pay my bills. Honestly not as soul-crushing as I expected sugar dating to really be. And yes, I’ve been educated on relationships and safety my entire adolescent life, so I’ll be able to handle myself.

I also think I’ve finally found my ideal career. I want to be a librarian. Working to provide the community with accessible, free knowledge? A relaxing job that doesn’t stress work quotas or other capitalistic pressure? Something that doesn’t require a degree change and will still let me graduate on time? Sign me up.

Anyways, school. I have to rewatch all of those lectures, then do my assignments. I’m lowkey dreading it becuase I have SO MUCH to catch up on. 4 hours of lectures a week, plus pausing the videos to take notes, plus the time to actually do the assignments. But I think now that I’ve cleared my head of a lot of the fog around it (unsure of career, emotionally stunted, etc), it’ll be easier to study. I just have one last problem: motivation. And I’ll start working on that now.

[itsjayyyy]

some songs are like old friends

[itsjayyyy]

Did they get rid of titles on text posts?? Well its May 14, 2020 11:40 pm. i’m baked as hell and rewatching she ra before season 5, the final season, is released. but i’m only watching certain episodes, ones that center around catra. honestly, i could write several thinkpieces on catra’s experience with child abuse and how she developed from it. because it’s exactly what i faced as a child/young adult. it’s incredibly triggering to watch this show but i keep forcing myself to watch it because my normie brain is like “ooh lesbian representation.” literally the entire time i’m watching it i’m fuming at how catra is being treated, and also really annoyed with how she acts later because of it, because i can relate to them both. but i have to keep watching so i can see the final season which i’m SO HYPE FOR.

ugh it’s 12:39 and i need to be at roses by 9 for our morning walk. i’m not going to take my seroquel tonight so that i won’t be too tired in the morning. seriously tho what’s up with the formatting on tumblr posts

[itsjayyyy]

December 25, 2019 6:05 pm

so my bio professor already published the web courses page and ya know how you can see the roster, well i always read the whole list to 1. see if savon is in it (started with intro to c when i first saw him in my lecture) and 2. if i know anyone from a previous course that I can study with and i noticed this girl from high school is in it. and like, tbh i didn’t talk much with her but at the same time she was one of the few people that i wasn’t beefing with lmao. we were like acquaintances ya know, i know she had a kid towards the end of senior year and he’s like 2 years old, she took a gap year to care for him before going to ucf. and i was like “oh maybe we can catch up sometime” but ya know we weren’t close to begin with so maybe it would be a bit weird ya know, but i got to thinking and realized SO MUCH has happened in the last 3 years. like, god damn.

this was gonna be a text to my sister but then i realized she wouldn’t really care bc she never knew the girl. also, this might be the last update on here in a while. i recently got a physical journal, and i think i’m gonna try to write in there more, just because i like the feeling of writing. it doesn’t mean goodbye here, it just means that this was the equivalent of one volume of my life, like each individual physical journal. i might come back here when the new journal fills up, who knows. see you then!

[itsjayyyy]

September 5, 2019 11:28 am

i remember once rose told me that mom called me ugly. “she’s jealous of your beauty,” mom said to her. it hurt to hear that my mother ranked our beauty and put me in last place, but it hurt more that rose felt the need to tell me.

[itsjayyyy]

August 17, 2019 4:01 pm

This will be yet another post in which I only write to map out my future goals, and refuse to actually update on the past (at least, the recent past) because I’m not ready to face my emotions yet. (Reminder for when I do write a real update: I need to go all the way back to july 25th, the week before finals).

Okay so today’s Saturday, tomorrow I close (and put in my two week’s notice!!! YEEHAW) and then the following week is the last week before the fall semester starts. I’ve REALLY been slacking on my studying. I separated my studying into two categories: the foundation exam (which is literally everything from comp sci 1) and extracurriculars (python, command line, autoCAD/solidworks/matlab, and how the hell github is used). I was supposed to balance between the two categories to not get bored, but since I only have one week before the foundation exam, I’m going to make that my #1 priority. 

I’ve realized that studying at home is just a bad idea, even at the dining room table. It’s just too tempting to go to the kitchen and overeat, or go back to my bedroom and stare at the mirror (not in a narcissistic way, I’m just like a cat or some shit, where I like staring at mirrors. It’s very easy to make me distracted with small gimmicks).  The library is open, even during breaks, from 7:30-5. On monday I need to go to campus to pick up my parking pass because I know that if I wait for the semester to start, the lines will be obnoxiously long. So from monday forward, I’ll be studying in the library that whole week. I plan on going in order of the comp sci 1 curriculum, but if I start to run out of time, I’ll start studying from the end because that’s the sections that I slacked off the most during the semester (although really, I must not have done TOO bad, since I still got a 95 on the final...). 

So tomorrow, before my shift starts, I’ll step into the manager’s office and give my two weeks notice (and I will NOT let them coerce me into staying, my answer is final). I’ll tell them that I’m quitting because I need to focus on school this semester, which they’ll understand; I’m the only full-time college student at my entire venue, and a lot of my coworkers are surprised that I’m working 3 days to begin with. This means that my last day at work will be the 30th (I requested the 31st off because of the foundation exam), which is a closing shift (how fitting...). The week after that is rush week for alpha kappa sigma and I’m so excited!!! Tuesday and thursday I might not be able to go because my object oriented programming class is from 6-7:15, but hopefully tuesday will just be like, syllabus day and I can run over to rush after. 

I’m gonna also try to join SEDS again, do the model rocket club that I would have done freshman year if I had enough ambition. I don’t know about coding clubs, I want to join one but I don’t know of any. To be honest, I think ASK is gonna be my main form of networking/experience, because it’s just so much easier to work in a group with other girls. 

One of my coworkers recently told me that I overthink, and make myself stressed out about things that I shouldn’t be stressed about. This was about the time I was a cook at cinnabon and we ran out of every product we had (and the freezer was broken, so we literally had nothing), but I feel that it also applies to college. I failed calc 2 the second time because I kept psyching myself out, and I need to be careful not to do that with the foundation exam. I get so caught up thinking, “oh my god, I need to study really hard or else I’ll fail” that my notes will literally have every minute piece of info remotely related to the topic, and I barely get through one topic (see my notes on dynamic memory allocation- three full notebook pages of notes, in my tiny ass handwriting, just to cover malloc and calloc). I need to find a balance between “let me copy the entire textbook word for word” and “I don’t need to take notes on any of this, I already know it.” Somewhere like “I have a general idea of this concept, so I don’t need to take notes on everything, just write a refresher and some small details I feel like I’ll forget.” Because I got a 95 on both the final and midterm exams, which is all of the material on the foundation exam. I only need to get a 60 on the foundation exam to pass, and it’s pass/fail, as in, getting a 61 is the exact same as getting a 100 (I mean, I can use a higher score as bragging rights, or bring it up an an internship interview to make up for my shoddy gpa, but that’s about it). So I need to stop stressing and just start studying. 

When I get my student refund, I’m first going to buy an office chair for my desk, so that I can study at home if I want. I feel like sitting at a real desk, and not a dining table or on my bed, will really make it easier to study. 

Anyways that’s pretty much all I have to say for now. Since tomorrow is a closing shift, I’m going to stay up tonight until at least midnight to make my sleep cycle proper. That’s roughly 7 hours I can study, so I hope to get through 2 of the remaining 11 units. Then, monday and tuesday I’ll try to wrap up the remaining 9 units (2 hours per unit seems fair), and wednesday through friday I’ll try doing the previous years’ exams to get a feel of the material. 

Oh, another thing I wanted to add: I think I might switch up my main blog style again. I mean, like I mentioned in a previous post here, I just don’t care about multifandom kpop any more, and even when it comes to bts I mainly use twitter to keep updated. Tbh I feel like I haven’t been honest to myself about who I am, and that’s simply a fuckin nerd. I mean, whenever I’ve been around rose, I’ve tried to be like her, ya know, going to clubs, doing ig baddie style makeup and stuff like that. Not that there’s anything wrong with that kind of stuff, but I’m just not an extrovert. I like playing video games on my computer, and coding, and even *gasp* watching anime. I feel like if I let myself enjoy activities that I actually enjoy, I’ll be more comfortable and able to make friends. Another thing to buy when I get my student refund: minecraft. And a raspberry pi. Plus, doing real activities like gaming and stuff would be a hell of a lot more productive than just laying in bed scrolling down reddit all day.

[itsjayyyy]

August 12, 2019 5:38 pm

I started watching the good place (since I finished she ra and need something to fill the void) and the way they mention frozen yogurt all the damn time makes me want frozen yogurt but it’s pouring out right now and I only have a motorcycle (and don’t even have an umbrella) so I can’t go and it’s pissing me off. Not that it matters though, because I ate too much of the wrong foods (a slice of cheesecake and two whole baked potatoes in one sitting) and now I feel grossly full but it’s more of a stomachache really, and no matter what I do the water here tastes disgusting, even when ran through 2 different water filters, and the fridge has a moderate amount of old food that my roommate has despite the fact that she eats out literally every day, so the fridge (and freezer) has a gross smell to it too, and I can’t even throw away the food because I don’t want to ask her yet I also don’t want to be rude and just throw it away. Anyways I have a terrible taste in my mouth because of the water.

And one of the main characters in the good place looks just like spriley from high school and it’s kind of annoying to see, like I literally have a headache over it. And it made me think about how he used to stalk my socials after graduation, so I looked at my ig feed to see what it looks like from an outsider’s perspective. and I noticed I had one less follower than usual, and normally I don’t care about things like that because I’m not obsessed with follow counts, but the way I’ve been feeling about being left out amongst my coworkers I guess I felt a little sensitive, so I started wondering who it was that unfollowed me. So I’d look up usernames on my follow list, and when closing the keyboard I accidentally hit unfollow from a girl who DIDN”T unfollow me, and now I look cruel, don’t I? 

And I bought a whole damn cheesecake but I still can’t eat more than one slice because I feel like that’s just too much sugar and I’ll want to puke, and I bought a cute little vintage coffee maker but I didn’t buy coffee grounds so I can’t even have coffee. And I bought angel hair pasta but I didn’t buy milk which I guess I need to make it, despite the fact that the box is supposed to be quick to make; why couldn’t they just put milk powder in it?

I know this isn’t a real update (again), I just want to complain. And I want frozen yogurt, but I don’t want to go in the rain, and I also don’t want to go alone. Ugh I’m just so alone all the time.

[itsjayyyy]

July 24, 2019 2:19 pm

Have I studied like I said I would? No. Am I in dire need of an update? Yes. Looks like there’s only one option.

okay so I have to go all the way back to june 26th, huh? Well rose REALLY didn’t take the talk about her finances well. She acted as if I was still just mad at her over memorial day, as if she wasn’t a massive burden on our parents. See that’s the difference between rose and I; when I see that I’m a burden on someone else I remove myself from their life so that I don’t hurt them, but rose just doesn’t give a fuck. She’ll be a leech for her entire life and not even bat an eye. Anyways that’s not the point. She wouldn’t say it to my face, but clearly she heard what I had to say. Apparently iris told me that rose was shocked; nobody had ever told her that before. Which is surprising to me, why would mom and dad and iris all tell me about how tired they were of rose being a mess but not say it to her face???? I swear I’m the only person with a spine in this family.

Anyways rose plans to move out in september now, and shortly after she announced that, mom and dad made plans to move back to michigan in november. I haven’t been talking to rose, but I really hope that she sees the direct relationship between the time that she’s moving out to the time that they’re moving out. Since she’s making progress towards fixing her finances, I’d say that issue is a closed case now.

But really, I never looked down on her for her life being a mess. To me, you can do whatever; get a college degree, not get a college degree, work minimum wage, make six figures, none of it really matters to me. I only care that you treat me with respect, treat me like a friend. My issue with her, and not just on memorial day, has been that she doesn’t listen. I told her that on my birthday this year, three months ago, and no change. Memorial day just served to reinforce the idea that I’m just a side character in life to her. She tried to twist it and say “you’re making me choose between you and my boyfriend” which is a load of shit, I’m asking that you DON”T choose between us and rather treat us equally. Or at least, I dunno, say one word to me when the three of us are together so that I know that you still acknowledge me. Or I dunno, maybe not invite your boyfriend to family events when the rest of the family hasn’t explicitly invited him?

Iris has been in town since the whole issue with rose. I hung out with her a few times, but I never saw rose. Iris has told me a few things. I knew that, a while ago, peter proposed to rose and rose broke up with him, for four hours, before she asked him to take her back. He said no, so she bought him an xbox and (according to iris) some weed, because rose said “he can’t say no to me when he’s high.” I really want to say that she meant saying no to her asking for him to take her back. I really want to say that she didn’t rape him. But I can’t. I can’t even say that those four hours were just so that she could think, knowing that she’s cheated on every boyfriend she’s ever had. Honestly I don’t think I can ever look at her the same. Iris wants to give her the benefit of the doubt, saying “we don’t know if she raped him” but I’m not gonna give her that just because she’s a girl, or my sister. Those words came out of her own mouth, after all.

On Saturday, when I got off work, iris and I met up because we planned to see rose at the mall. Iris was leaving on sunday, and she wanted to get a group pic of us. Frankly I can’t stand that iris, despite nonstop talking about how rose is becoming more and more toxic and manipulative, still wants to be on good terms with her. But then iris explained, how when she first moved up to chicago, she thought she’d visit later and see everyone as usual. But before she could come back to visit, her sister in law died. (The main reason for the visit is so that they can help the family fight for custody against the bio dad). She said she was worried that, like her sister in law, she would go to chicago mad at rose and then who knows, what if rose dies while iris is in chicago and they never got closure too? It’s a reasonable fear, but I guess I’m just too hardheaded to feel it too. 

Anyways, we’re at the mall, nick and peter go to gamestop so the three of us could talk in private. This was my plan for how I wanted the conversation would go: I explain that I personally didn’t agree with the texts I sent her about her finances, but that the rest of the family was growing annoyed with her and I was the one tasked with telling her. She would have the chance to tell me what she felt, and what she’s done, etc. We close the finances chapter, and move on to her personality, which I considered to be the ACTUAL issue. I would let her know that I didn’t like that she clearly didn’t care about me. She never listens to how my day was (as in, she’ll be physically present when I speak but she’ll literally be texting peter as I’m talking). She doesn’t take ANY criticism at all. As in, she’ll blow up at you if you even imply she’s not perfect. The whole peter break up situation. I wanted her to know that it’s not okay for her to treat people as machines where she just needs to do xyz to get them to do what she wants. That people have feelings, that people are *human* just like her, and we all deserve to be heard. She never listens to listen, she listens to come up with an argument in response. She lacks empathy.

As you can guess, that’s not how the conversation went. Before I could get two sentences into telling her about how the finances thing, she cuts me off and starts talking about how I “don’t even care about her achievements” and starts talking about how she’s an expert at car pricing (she works for a scrap dealer, they price vehicles by amount of steel) and she knows better than nick, who is an auto insurance adjuster with years of experience. I jump straight to “you don’t listen to listen, you listen to argue” and from there it’s nothing but cutting each other off. Iris tried to keep the peace by making us take turns, but rose cut me off on my turn so I was like ya know what? This bitch clearly will not listen, despite the fact that I’ve tried to listen when she was cutting me off. I give up. So I figured since there was little chance at salvaging the discussion, I said “yeah, you’re right, the whole family is dissapointed in you because you’re twenty two years old and don’t have a degree, a car, a place of your own” and then she stood up and left. It was a really low blow for me to attack her like that, but it’s not fair that she can treat me like literal shit for years but I can’t even dish out a few insults one day. 

Iris, nick and I leave to go to my apartment, where we all calm down, pet mango, look at motorcycles. Then we went to get tacos, then I went home. 

Sunday night, iris says that she’s about to leave town, and wanted to see me one last time. We met up at the starbucks near my apartment. Frankly all of sunday I was just marinating in my emotions, and meeting at starbucks finally let it all out. 

One thing that I’m surprised took me 20 years to realize: rose is actually the root of all of my insecurities. And no, I’m not just saying that to make her look like the bad guy because I’m mad that she cut me off. Think about it. Where did I get the idea of “speak only when spoken to” imprinted into my head? When my parents forced me to be with rose after school and rose and her friends all treated me as an annoyance. How they ignored me, tried to act like I wasn’t there, while they all had fun together. The way they would literally pay me to leave them alone, sometimes. What about my incredibly bad body dysmorphia? Maybe the way her and her friends used to say “oh, you’ll have a glo up some day jasmine” as if I was ugly at the time. How I was just rose’s ugly little sister to them. Or, most glaringly, the time that rose did my makeup when I was 15 or so, and she took a step back to look at it halfway through, started laughing, and said “you just look so ugly.” I cried in the bathroom for 45 minutes after that. And the worst part is that that memory feels so faded, like I almost forgot about it. What else did I forget?

Anyways I tell this all to iris, and she said that I needed therapy. I scoffed at that, of course, because I’m fine. (Narrator voice: She was not fine). I tell myself that I’m okay now, that the emotional trauma caused by rose is nothing but the past, that I’m a well adjusted individual now. Iris bet me $40 that I couldn’t get a date in a month to see how well adjusted I was. 

Easy as fuck, all I need to do is go on straight tinder. Men swipe right on literally anything, so it’d be easy as hell to get a date. I even wrote the most batshit insane bio ever (I literally talked about my issues with rose and the $40 bet), and within 24 minutes I saw that 99+ men had swiped right. I swiped left on at least a few hundred guys, before I finally swiped right on one. Apparently he super liked me, so I said “was the super like by accident or do you just have that poor of taste in women” and yet! we actually made plans. Like kinda plans, like “I’m free tomorrow if that’s not too soon, we could get sushi” so it wasn’t set in stone, but there was decidedly something. And he was cute, too.

Monday morning I woke up and immediately unmatched him, followed by me deleting my account. Followed by me crying violently in bed for two hours, thinking about how he would have thought I was ugly irl, that I really am hideous, and don’t deserve love. That I deserved to die alone, because I have no personality and I’m the ugliest person alive. It sounds overly dramatic to see it typed out, but man, that morning I really wanted to die. That’s when I realized that maybe iris was right, maybe I do need therapy. 

But this is my issue, I don’t like letting people know about my feelings. I feel like I look weak. And it’s so easy for me to just, not tell a therapist things, because it makes me uncomfortable. I tried therapy a year ago, literally all I did was say “yeah I’m fine :)”. I’m starting the online therapy sessions that my college offers, because I don’t have to talk to anyone for it. And on top of that I have all of those things that I’m planning to do that I wrote in the last 2 updates. I want to improve my life, and I’m gonna start on it now. 

Tuesday I texted peter, letting him know my side. He said “I have my own opinions on the matter” and by that I assume he means his opinion is that he’s on rose’s side, of course, otherwise he would have stood up against her. After seeing that I left class an hour early and cried in the bathroom. I thought I was being quiet but this girl in the stall next to me knocked and asked if I was okay (I said yes). 

And yeah, like I said in the last update, it hurts that rose (and peter) are pretty much cut out of my life. They were kind of the only friends I had. But I have to remind myself that this is the exact same situation I dealt with in sophomore year of high school, with jackie. She stopped being my friend, and because of it I lost all of my friends. But this time around I’m gonna be able to meet new people, and a lot easier, since I’m in college. As a matter of fact, I got an email from this sorority I plan on joining today. I need time to heal, but I will heal.

And as soon as I get my braces off, I’m going to maybe try tinder again (no!!!!! I just said I don’t like tinder!!!!!! but maybe I’ll try again when my braces are off......)

Anyways, let me tell you about today, wednesday (we finally reached the end!). I woke up, scrolled through my socials like usual, then watched a few really old music videos. Like, pop punk old. Went to publix, got my waffles, then came home and watched the next episode of ore monogatari, basically as I had planned. But then I just started slacking because I didn’t feel like studying (I still haven’t studied). Went through my main blog’s archive. I really noticed that my blog has been dead exactly since I moved out. I guess I’ve just been too busy. My dashboard isn’t really my style, it’s very multifandom when these days I really only care about bts. I think I’m gonna get back into tumblr, at least it’s more stimulating then scrolling down the same reddit posts 20 times an hour. Anyways I saw my posts from when mono came out and MAN that’s some strong nostalgia. It was only about 10 months ago, but it feels so distant. That’s when I lived with my parents, and they were on vacation so I had the house to myself. While rose went to a halloween party, I stayed home and watched the forever rain music video on repeat while downing 4 beers and doing my econ homework (I got a 100 somehow, despite being sloshed). Anyways I’ve been listening to it on repeat the entire time I’ve been writing this.

Okay it’s 3:44 now. Man, this was a really long update. I think now I’m gonna make my cesar salad that I bought from publix, then study. I mean, the lowest test grade is dropped and I already passed the first two exams, so no big deal. Ugh I wish rose could buy me another pack of cider right now.

[itsjayyyy]

please make sure that wherever you’re at in life, you don’t treat it like a transitory period. don’t waste your college years wishing to already be graduated & have a job. don’t waste your single years wishing for someone to be in love with. if/when those things come, they will come in due time and they will be good. but there is nothing like looking back and feeling empty because you wasted literal years ignoring what you had because you were hoping for something better. while it’s important to better yourself and reach for your goals, don’t neglect the present because that’s where you are now and it’s your now that determines your future. 

[itsjayyyy]

July 24, 2019 9:45 am

okay so this also won’t be an actual update, I still need to talk about my plans. The next week (and one day) is super stressful/packed because I’m moving, taking an exam, followed by two finals, and work. At least all of my assignments are done tho!

So today, wednesday, I’m going to first go to publix (after i finish typing this and my hair has dried) to buy some eggos, a bag of salad, pound cake mix, and other things I’ll eat for the next half-week. I was still trying to treat my current setup as a transitional phase, going to taco bell every day and saying “well I’m moving apartments in a week so I don’t want to buy too many groceries” like bitch!!! you have noodles at home!!!!! I’ll prob buy some meatballs too then. 

When I come back from publix, I’m going to eat breakfast (eggos) while maybe watching an episode of ore monogatari (why did i take so long to finish this anime??? I STARTED IT IN SOPHOMORE YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL). After that I’m gonna study for a while for my discrete structures exam tomorrow, then play stardew, then study more. Tomorrow I have my exam, and all I’m gonna do is school stuff. Friday and saturday I work 9-5 and I don’t have to worry about homework, so I’ll spend the evening cleaning my room and organizing my stuff to be moved easily. 

Sunday morning the first thing I’m gonna do is go to my new apartment and put my pound cake in the oven, and while it’s baking I’m going to start moving my stuff (tentative plan: bathroom first, followed by closet, followed by drawers (both desk and dresser), followed by books). I’ll leave the bookshelf, desk, mattress, and tv/dresser for Monday, when my parents are gonna help. Monday morning, before my parents come, I’m going to drain my fishtank and put gerard in his one-gallon bowl so I can carry him over to the new apartment easily. Then when they get here, we’ll quickly drive to lowe’s to buy a dolly and mattress cover, and then come back and carry everything else. 

Tuesday and wednesday will be dedicated to studying for my finals, which are on thursday. Then friday-sunday I work (as usual), then summer break starts!!! And that friday I get another attendance point so I can apply to transfer jobs!!! And the week after that my braces come off!!!!!

Okay my hair is mostly dried so I’m gonna go ahead and get dressed and go to publix.

[itsjayyyy]

July 23, 2019 9:10 pm

okay so this won’t be a full-fledged update but rather me writing down all the plans/advice that I’m thinking right now and want future (tomorrow) me to know.

SO first of all, they’re kinda right with the whole “if you don’t love yourself then no one else will” but not in that sense. Like, people have the ability to love me, but not only am I making it increasingly difficult (with the way i push others away and close myself off), but it’s also hard on me because I still think I’m unworthy of any love. Thus, any love i receive is met with guilt and disgust. So my primary goal is to start loving myself (damn bitch, BTS already done finished that series).

So how do I plan on loving myself? By completely changing who I am, of course! All jokes (kinda). I’m not gonna try to pretend to be someone else, I’m gonna improve the issues I have with myself. 

I’m pretty insecure about my body, like my gut, arm fat, flat ass, etc. Definitely going to start going to the gym. I havent been going recently because I haven’t been able to park on campus and I don’t want to take the shuttle all sweaty, but next week I get my new parking permit AND i’ll have three weeks off of school to do whatever. Those three weeks is when most of my plan occurs btw. And when the fall semester starts, one of my coworkers is gonna go in the mornings with me. For the next week or so I’m gonna at least do yoga in my room. The two things about my appearance that I have to wait on (hair getting longer and braces) are about one month out, so I’ll just have to be patient on that. Until those occur, I’ll focus on the others.

I don’t like how I feel so incompetent in school and socially. First is an easy fix, I’m going to prep for calc 2, as well as learn python/java, read a few books, etc. Second one is kinda harder. I joined a few discord servers to talk with others, since I never really learned how to do small talk. Practice talking to people, ya know. In the fall semester I’m gonna join a few clubs on campus. I also want to take up a few hobbies, to feel like I can do something other than lay in bed. Plus, it’ll give me something to talk about. Baking is at the top of my list, but I have to wait until I move into my new apartment (this upcoming sunday!!!!!) because I hate cooking here. Another hobby is video games. I have pokemon, legend of zelda, and stardew valley already installed, yet i barely play them. 

And frankly, it would be nice to get the chance to start over with fresh faces. I plan on transferring to a clerical position at universal. That actually has a ton of benefits: get to get away from current coworkers, get a much more relaxed work environment, there might be a pay raise, chance to meet new people. It’ll be kinda sad to leave starbucks, but at the same time it won’t because I know it’s gonna get worse if I keep working there.

I think I’m gonna give up on online dating for good. I feel like even if I did learn to love myself, I would still have problems with the whole setup. Feeling like they’re more interested in someone else, not knowing how to start a conversation, seeing that they’re disappointed in how I look irl, it all just sucks. And it’s not like it would be hard for me to find someone, I’m majoring in computer science. If I just get a little more confident in talking to people, all I need to do is ask a guy I like to study with me. I mean there was that one guy (john? josh? idk) that tried talking to me this semester, but I was too shy to say much. 

Another thing that I have to give up: rose. I’ll elaborate on what all has happened in an update tomorrow, but this is all I need to remind myself: there used to be a time that I was completely torn up over jackie and i not being friends. I remember in senior year when I would look back at how we stopped being friends and thought “well that’s all behind me, it’s in the past” but it still kinda hurt. But now, now that I’m completely done with high school and halfway through college, it really is just the past. And so insignificant too, I barely felt a scratch on my heart when I thought of it. And isn’t rose the same, or worse, than jackie? She was really manipulative my whole life, treated me like garbage, made me feel hideous. Made me feel like I didn’t deserve love. And now I’m going to take my confidence back. I’m going to surround myself with people who actually care about me. And right now I know that I’m feeling bent out of shape about rose (and peter subsequently, since he took her side), but this will pass. Just like it did with jackie; it’ll hurt like hell for a while but that’s just the process of moving on. You gotta sit through the rain to get flowers.

alright that’s just about all that I had to say. Tomorrow I’m gonna read this again and start planning the next month or so. I probably won’t be able to achieve all of my goals in only a month, but I do want to make some progress.

also another thing I want to make tomorrow: a small c program to help me budget my meals. gonna set up some 2d arrays of different food categories (each array is item and cost), then have the program ask user what weekly budget is, how many meals to make, then helps spit out a list of what it thinks you should buy from each category.