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Lana Del Rey

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The hole

It was in the darkest of holes that I found myself, however it was not the light that saved me, it was the fear of being stuck there, picture yourself there, can you feel it? The darkness? Haunting isn’t it, would you believe me if I told you I wasn’t scared, of all the monsters that could possibly appear, all the demons and creatures of the abyss I was only ever scared of one thing, being stuck in this hole.

121 days of unemployment, 121 days of failure, 121 days of waking up only to sleep, this is the hole, it’s getting darker, scared yet? Nah you’re not scared, because I already told you I was saved, right? That can only mean there is a way out. Life hasn’t quite turned out to be how I pictured it, the opposite actually, mental stability is becoming a concern, I’ll fix it though, drugs, thank you.

Where was I? still in the hole, shocking, this wasn’t the plan, how did I get in this hole? How do I get out, more drugs, thank you. To get drugs you need money, I have money, £20 will buy you approximately 3.0 grams of cotton candy Kush, very potent strain of marijuana, £20 will also buy 3 Xanax pills or a bottle of vodka, eugh vodka, ill pass, “Xanax please Mr drug dealer” now I feel better, this hole doesn’t seem any lighter but I feel I can sit here a little longer, the drugs will save me, that’s a lie, the drugs can only sustain me. How do I get out this hole? 122 days of unemployment, 122 days of failure, 122 days of waking up only to sleep, its okay you can ask me, why am I keeping count, like a prisoner in solitary waiting to leave, what am I counting up towards, maybe nothing, maybe everything, the Xanax is wearing off, it’s still dark, but I don’t want tot sit here anymore, 122 days in this hole, when will it end? The phone rings once, it rings twice, I answer “hello its Lauren from IAG insurance ltd” piss off Lauren, I wonder if she knew I was in a hole would she reach out her hand to save me? No. Laurens on commission, fuck Lauren. This hole is getting smaller, I need to fix this, drugs, thank you again. I’m back, its still dark, mental stability is getting worse, if only I could hear voices, I would at least have some company, its dead silent in here, like a box with nothing inside, have you ever heard silence so silent it fills you with un-ease? Have you ever been scared to close your eyes in fear that you will see no difference? This is darkness, this is where I am, in this hole, this dark silent hole. I should ask for help, who do I ask? Will you help me? … no answer. No one is coming to help me, that’s okay I can fix this, drugs, thank you. Its 23:58, 60 seconds, its 23:59, 59 seconds, its almost midnight, 00:00, 123 days of unemployment, 123 days of failure, 123 days of waking up only to sleep, though I can’t sleep, day 123, 7 minutes past midnight, I feel like I’m waiting for someone, or something, sacred yet? Nah me neither, it said that bad people carry bad spirits with them, am I a bad person? Who else is in this hole with me? Am I truly alone? 24 minutes past midnight, I’m usually asleep by now, the Xanax is still ever present in my body, why can’t I sleep? I can fix this, I need to smoke, enter the cotton candy Kush, its choking me, that’s okay, it does that sometimes, I feel delirious, you shouldn’t mix drugs, anything to get out this hole though, I need sleep.

What a stupid noise, to wake up with something so threatening, so loud so invasive, snooze, 5 more minutes, still on day 123, what to do what to do, am I lost in this hole or am I sitting here voluntarily, I want out, logic dictates I just get up and go, somethings holding on to me though, this is not voluntary, something has a grasp on me, its failure, its holding onto me, the tight clench of this monster reluctant to let go, its drawing blood, I see blood, I feel I should be scared but I’m not, have I become so used to this monster it no longer scares me? Claret such a pretty colour, what a stupid noise, how load how invasive, snooze over, it was just a dream, there is no monster, just me. 123 days of unemployment, the days are going quicker, almost as if a sand timer is counting me down, is this my decent into madness? Or just my demise? 10:09am breakfast, I taste nothing because I feel nothing, I feel nothing because in this hole, emotion is unacceptable, no sadness available, all out of luck, laughter is non-existent, 10:43am shower, as hot as I can get it, burn me, I won’t feel it I promise, 11:11am make a wish, it didn’t come true, wishes do not come true in the hole, 12:40 I need a job I search online, you see a good job is a good structure to life, I need a good structure, in the hole there is no structure, do you think people can tell I’m in a hole? Can you tell? Or is it just for me? You see the thing is there are no monsters here, monsters more often than not, tend to be human, holy shit, am I the monster? Did I bring myself here? …wait I’m thinking, … 7:22pm where did the time go, have I been thinking all this time, nothing has come of it, I know where I was, I was in the hole, time goes quick in the hole, its dark out, its always dark, even in the light all I see is darkness, a bit dramatic right? Accurate though, the Xanax is still coursing through my body, strong pills this time, teeth are gritting, I need some cotton candy, that should calm me down, that’s better.

It seems like I’m making a home here, in this hole, the darkness has become my friend, the drugs are my neighbours, failure is becoming too familiar. Sleep.

124 days of unemployment, 124 days of failure, 124 days of waking up only to sleep,

Skillset: extensive customer service experience, sales experience, good communication skills, an ideal candidate, hire me, please, please hire me, I need structure, I need to get out this hole, phone notification from the bank “your debt must be re-payed” oh yeah, I forgot about that, I didn’t tell you, I’m sorry, I have considerable debt, ammunition for the whole to keep its grasp on me, maybe that’s why I like it here, I can hide NO I need to get out, phone notification, its Bella, “Where have you been for so long? I miss you”, that’s Bella, she’s sweet, another reason to get out the hole, I’d like to see Bella again, but I can’t let her see me like this, not like this, no reply for Bella, sorry Bella. Temperature 23 degrees, why is it so hot in here, cotton wool blend, made in Cambodia, this sweater is too tight, the hole is shrinking, I feel uneasy, wait... I can fix this, drugs. Drugs. Thank fuck. I breathe deeper and heavier than usual, last Xanax that was, no more Kush, drugs cost money, I have money, Funds: £0 SHIT!!! Now I need a job, not just for structure for money, to live, the hole drags me deeper inside, its getting darker, the kind of darkness you can only imagine, now I’m fucked, 10.41pm day 124, no drugs left, still in the hole, no money left, still in this hole, deeper and deeper it pulls me, now what the fuck do I do? I’m feeling hostile, the drugs are waring off, I don’t want to be sober in this hole, I don’t want to know the reality of it, fuck this fuck this fuck this fuck this. Think. I can fix this, No drugs. Shit. I can’t fix this, have you realised it yet? I can’t fix this can I? its okay you can tell me, I fucked up didn’t I, there it is again, the silence, although this time its too silent, I have all my senses in perfect function, its more quiet than I have ever felt it to be, this hole is getting scary again, I need to get out of this hole, 10:42pm, what? Its only been one minute, I can fix this, no drugs, shit. I feel like I’ve been here before, have I? where you with me? Where do I go from here? You have no answers do you? That’s okay, I forgive you, 10:42pm, 10:42pm, 10:42pm, 10:42pm, 10:43pm fuck me times going slow. Why do I have a feeling this is just the beginning, it’s been over a hundred days, I’ve lost count, day 124 right? Are you keeping count? Mental stability is at maximum alert, there it is, the monster I didn’t want to see, its looking at me, can you see it? Well… Can you? Its eyes are as dark as this hole, skin like porcelain, no facial features, no face, legs like tree trunks, no arms, what the fuck kind of monster is this, its just staring at me, its just staring, its frozen, I can’t stop looking, I’m scared, are you scared? What does it want, “I need to get out this hole” a sinister smile appears on the faceless monster, sharp jagged teeth, the smile grows bigger, I yell louder “I need to get out this hole!” it wont stop smiling, why wont it stop smiling, I feel a cold presence, pierce through me, its frozen again, its smile its eyes its teeth, my hole was empty until now, for so long I craved company an now I have it, a monster, is this my companion? I whisper to myself “I seriously need to get out this hole” the monster comes closer, its moving towards me, it gets close, temperature -1 degrees fuck me its cold, the monster, can you see it? Can you see me? Finally, I realise, I’m still alone, the monster is me, its me, are you confused? Me too, I need to get out of this hole, I’m done I want out, I’m done I’m out! No drugs try to sleep just sleep. Can’t sleep. Just fucking sleep!

Day 125 9:09am the phone rings, “hello this is Sarah calling from National Auto Sales, you recently applied for a position with us for car sales, I’d like to invite you for an interview today at 2pm if that’s okay?” I love you Sarah. Am I out the hole? It can’t be, really? I don’t believe you. 125 days of unemployment, 125 days of failure, 125 days of waking up… am I done?

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Toast

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Comme des Garçons has created its own emojis

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Lady Gaga stars on the cover of our October issue! 

Read the full story.

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On by SR Autogroup

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Starring: Porsche 991 GT3 

By ANRKY WHEELS

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P1 GTR Street legal