itsl

[itsl]

Long time no see. I've been wanting to write this for a while, but I've been... scared? It's about my relationship. It's not ab*sive (at least in the physcial sense), but I've had about as much as I can take.

I'll start this by saying I've only been in three relationships in my life, none of which were healthy for me. I've been gaslight, shamed and more. And again, it's never been physical. But as I've come to learn, it doesn't have to be physical to seriously affect you.

So my boyfriend (x) and I have been together for nearly 3. I've been with him through a lot. And when I say a lot, I mean through me finding womens nudes on his phone to porn in his youtube history to going behind my back and talking shit about me to someone who put me in a very emotionally dangerous situation. And while the whole time, I've convinced myself that he cares about me, I've come to the conclusion that he doesn't. He's so selfish. He only cares about himself.

X has recent applied for apartment viewings in the capital. I wasn't part of this decision. We've been living together with my mum for maybe 2 years (?). I thought it was just me being petty when he told me he was going to move out. I was upset because I'm not ready, I'm dealing with a lot in the sense of mental health right now, and I thought it was kind of a dick move for him to be thinking about yhe next stage of 'our' life without me. I mustered up the courage to tell him I'm not coming when he moves out, and I even went as far as to explain myself. I said that I wasn't part of the decision, I'm not comfortable making a big move while in therapy and I cant afford to move out (as I haven't had a job for just over a year - thanks covid). He said okay and I assumed that that meant he wasn't going to move out. I was wrong. He told me again a couple of days ago that he was still moving out because he wanted to. I went about telling him how he was leaving me behind (litrrally) and that he was self sabotaging a relationship he had previously told me he didn't want to loose. So now I'm stuck thinking "hey, you work 5/6 days a week and you're going to be living in the capital, an hour of so away. Im gonna see you twice a week, if I'm lucky."

Recently I have been standing up for myself against him too. Whenever he's been interrupting me I've told him I'm not done talking and if he was rudely interrupting me, I'd tell him to shut up. In fact, I just did now, and he snapped his head round and growled at me saying "you shut up". I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little scared of him. He's so aggressive. He's so rude. It has to be his way all the time, and I'm sick of it. Now that I've started to stand up for myself, we've been growing apart. I can't remember the last time he hugged me or kissed me. And thats not me being dramatic, he genuinely does not show me any form of physcial affection unless I ask for it. And obviously I haven't been asking for it recently because I shouldn't have to. It's sad and I feel like a bit of a place holder (?) in his life. He talks about how he's ready to be a dad, but I don't think he gives two shits if its with me or not. He makes it apparent that he isn't sharing his life -if that makes sense. He's shown me very clearly that it doesn't matter which woman is on his arm, he'll do what he wants.

I got my covid shot a few days ago, and if you've had it or know someone that has, you may know that it can cause you to get a little sick for a few days. I have a weak immune system and a few health issues (which is why I got my shot early) and the vaccine made me so weak and achy. I didnt eat the day after my vaccine and just slept mostly, but I asked X to make me some noodles (the instant ramen) to which he replied "I dont know how to make noodles". This fucking incompetent asshole seriously said he can't boil water and put noodles in it. So, struggling to walk, achy and with the chills (the painful kind that shakes your bones), I went and spent maybe 30 minutes making a 10 (if that) minute meal. To say I was angry would be an understatement. Even my mum thought that was ridiculous. It got me thinking as well. If I WAS to move out with him, and I got sick or I was really ill, who would take care of me? If I couldn't move for some reason or I broke a bone or was bed ridden for a bit, who would take care of me? That asshole wouldn't, I'll tell you that. Not only would he not take care of me, he wouldn't even TRY to. True love my fucking ass. Even tiny little things like asking him to close the bedroom door and turn of the light in the hallway (because he was the last to come in) to which he replies "you do it" while loading up a game on his PS4.

Oh my... not to mention I haven't been given anything for our first valentines day. Yes. Our first. He usually goes away with his family, but this year he was with me. What did I get? Nothing. I got excuses "(he) ordered it, its on its way", "(he) doesn't know why its taking so long". I showed how petty I was by even reminding him when it had been a month after valentines day.

Urggg...

There's so much I want to talk about, I might have to write this in two entries. I get a little sad writing this all. I pretend I don't care, but emotional neglect does actually take a huge toll on a person believe it or not. So I'm sad.

*Part 1 of 2*

♡ L

Saturday March 20

[itsl]

So yesterday was my anniversary. 2 years with my boyfriend! I was expecting it to be an amazing day; he started a new job, he just moved back in with me and my family, I was in such a good mood.

I don't even think he remembered, but i understand. He's staring a new job, there's more important things on his mind, i was just excited to hang out with him when he got back.

When he came home, he was happy for a few minutes, then he said he wanted to walk to the shop. I asked if he wanted me to come and he said he just wanted to listen to his music. Despite being a little bit hurt, I was still in a good mood.

He came back to the dinner I cooked, ate and then asked if I was okay with him watching "his series" which he knows im not into. I said i was completely okay with it. He must've been stressed from his first day of work and moving. So I sat on my phone for an hour. And then another half hour before he asked me if i wanted to go for a walk "in a minute". I said yes, thinking it would be a nice way to spend time together. Instead, once his show finished, he just said "whatd you wanna watch?"

I suggested playing video games, so we played minecraft together for about 40 minutes (?) which was the best part of my day. I was still being cheery and supportive and I was putting myself in a good mood. The reason we stopped playing is because i could see he was about to fall asleep. I asked him if he wanted to stop playing and we could go to sleep and he said yes, put on some cartoons and was asleep in minutes.

I worked out to try and relax myself, had a shower and then joined him in bed. It was only about 2 minutes before I threw on a livestream and poured myself my first ever glass of wine. I drank it over the course of about an hour, sitting on the bedroom floor.

I'll continue with my cheery mood tomorrow, but i just needed to get this off my chest. He didn't even touch me, I was expecting to at least have had s*x on our anniversary, but i just ended up drinking alone... :(

On a lighter note...

I had a dream when I went back to sleep yesterday morning about my grandad. He passed a few years ago and it sent me into a really bad headspace. He was so so important to me and I felt like I lost a part of myself. He contacted me sometimes after that in my dreams to say hi and to send messages to my family members.

I hadn't heard from him fom a while, so a couple of weeks ago I brought his favourite red wine to try and wrote him a note, telling him I loved him and i hoped that he would contact me soon.

Yesterday morning, I saw his face for the first time since he had passed away. He often times appears in my dreams as a voice or a symbol, but i saw his face, and i spoke to him. He was thankful for the wine I think. He told me in this dream that he was going to buy some, when i told him that i had some already, he was so happy. I think he knows that i'm planning on inviting him to dinner for Halloween because this dream had a lot of Halloween references; witches, zombies, ghosts all gathering together in my back garden. I hope that means that he's planning on accepting my invitation.

Anyway, that's all I have to ramble about. After a pretty disappointing day, I'm hoping tomorrow will be better.

♡ L

Tuesday September 15

[itsl]

Trigger warning : this post contains mention of s*xual assult/harassment and s*icide

Recently I've been feeling very guilty.

A few days ago, I went out with a small group of old friends and got drunk. I was left alone with one of the boys who I used to be really close with. I had issues with him s*xually assaulting me before. We were lying in the park while I was drunk and he kissed me. A lot.

Since it happened, I've been feeling so disgusting. I've constantly been feeling sick and wanting to cry because I had discussed with this individual after the first incident that I did not want anything to do with him in that sense. I've been feeling like I may have led him to do it. I can get quite friendly when I'm drunk. Maybe I was sending out some signals?

My minds been going over that. I've come to understand, however, that it wasn't my fault. I know I did not initiate it. I spoke with him in a very serious, sober conversation a while ago about how I felt and what I DID NOT want. He took advantage of the situation. I am aware of that. And I am trying not to blame myself for what happened because I know it wasn't my fault. My intentions sober have always been very clear with this individual, and even if I was "giving out signals" while I was drunk, this individual knew that I did not want what he was doing.

Later that night, the same individual tried to get me to go with him and suck his d*ck. I was still drunk. He was very persistent. I understand that, even if the kissing was a "misunderstanding", the urging of a sexual act was deliberate. I believe this individual knew exactly what he was doing that night and, I might even go so far as to say, I believe he planned it in advance.

After that incident, when I had sobered up, I felt nothing but sick and I cried. I know it was just kissing, but I felt disgusting and stupid for letting this happen again, with the same person mind you. I wanted to k*ll myself when I woke up the next morning. It made me so sick to my stomach that all I wanted to do was k*ll myself. That may sound like an overreaction to "just kissing", but I felt so dirty and worthless. I thought about the boy I am seeing, and felt sorry to him that I let that happen. For even being in that situation, I just wanted to d*e.

Today, I have decided that I am going to confront this individual once again. I am going to tell him how this affected me, just like I did before, and then I am going to tell him to get out and stay out of my life. I want to gain the power back in my life. I want to feel like my body isn't disgusting and dirty and that I'm not a wh*re or a sl*t. I want to regain my confidence. And most importantly, I want to heal from this.

♡ L

Wednesday August 5

[itsl]

I'm very sad.

To start, I'd like to let you know that this is just my "depression diary" I guess, somewhere to get all my thoughts out.

It might help people is why its public, you never know.

Trigger warning : this post involves talk of se*ual assault and s*icide

Over the past few days, I've been feeling sick - like I can feel a major depressive episode coming on which is upsetting considering I'm back on medication now. I've been feeling teary and I cant stop thinking about one thing specifically.

When I was in school, I had a best friend who would walk me home from school and come to my bedroom and watch TV with me. One day, for whatever reason, he felt it appropriate to start spooning me and putting his hands between my legs. I wish I would've told him to get away from me, but as soon as he touched me I froze and my heart began pounding. This happened a few times and I was too scared to tell him I didn't want him to walk me home or come in anymore.

One day he took it further and pulled me on top of him. When I tried to get off, he wouldn't let me, pulling me back into place and holding me down. After that day, I felt so uncomfortable around him that I didn't even want to look at him. But this was my best friend.

I only remembered this a few years later. I guess I repressed it? But we were out drinking together and he got drunk and tried to touch my n*pple which made me slap him. I had a long talk with my mum when I got home that day about everything that had happened then and now.

I got invited to his party a few days later. I went because I knew other people would be there. I told two of them and they promised to keep me safe throughout the night. Whenever he would come near me, I'd move.

I confronted him about it via message and he blocked me. I wasn't bothered until he came back on a new account. I felt thankful? that he decided to unblock me, so I pushed all of the incidents to the back of my mind.

In the last few days, I've been hanging out with a small group of 4 (me included), one of which was my old best friend/ the boy that assaulted me. I got drunk the second time we all went out as a group. The other two left early. I managed to get myself kicked out, so it was just me and him. We got drinks and went to the park and everything gets a little blurry from there, but I remember us lying on the grass together. And we kissed? and it didn't stop at one. When I lay down again, he got over me and kissed me again and again, even though I kept turning my head away to stop it.

We went back to the pub to wait outside for a friend. At this point it was probably nearly 2am, and it was just me and him outside. I remember him telling me to suck his d*ck while we wait and that "it'll be quick" and urging me to "come on". I didn't.

We met up as a group again just yesterday, and I pretended that I didn't remember anything from that night. He was more than content with that. So yesterday I drank until I threw up all over the toilet. A little part of me wishes that I would've drunk until my kidneys stopped working.

I am so ashamed of myself for letting any of this happen and putting myself in any position for it to happen. I wish I could forget everything. That night we kissed, I wanted to d*e. I hated that that ever happened, especially because I had already discussed the type of friendship we had with him and I had told him my boundaries.

♡ L

Monday August 3