itsme-ayunda - Tumblr blog

[itsme-ayunda]

06.12.2023

And just like that, November is also over, my fav month ever. Crazy how time just keeps going. I feel like I'm falling behind. It feels like it was just yesterday I had my birthday. There's alot of things that I had hoped to do for the previous year that I have not been able to do yet. I wish I still have that kind of energy :)

[itsme-ayunda]

06.12.2023

-about you-

It takes 3 years to admit that I have a feeling for you. And I don't know how to tell you but this feeling is valid. Several times I try to let it go but these days, it took my focus again.

The day we started talking again after you leaving hometown for phd, I had no idea this would be how the feeling turned.

I knew something was gonna happen between us but I didn't know I was gonna fall this deeply in love with you, as time progressed and I feel in love with you I knew I could give you my heart.

[itsme-ayunda]

22.11.2023

The day !

A month ago I joined a recruitment for working as a staff of Public work department. Long story short I got accepted and today was the recruitment test. Unfortunately I failed :( sadly can't even passed the passing grade.

To be honest the questions was so hard. I believe I already studied all of that but theres no similar clue I got from the theory I studied.

I wanted to cry but have no energy. I was crying a day before, and everysingle day I cried. And im tired of it.

I was planning to move out and choosing Pontianak for workplace. I guess I have to say goodbye to that opportunity.

[itsme-ayunda]

[itsme-ayunda]

19.10.2023

Announce day.

Yesterday was supposed to be the day for announcement of an job application Im applying. Buy until today I didnt get any news.

I was so anxious about the recruitment, even you do a simple mistake, you're not qualified then. And I just found out one of my application paper has no date. I missed it :(

And now I have no idea what I supposed to do if im not qualified. I dont want to stuck in here, in this home, with the poeple who are not even love me and support me.

[itsme-ayunda]

17.10.2023

Never ending depression story.

Everything not getting better and my mental is even worse. I dont know where to start to fix it.

- my brother who not even trying to change himself to be better. His behaviour to me and mom still the same as before even worse. Always let me struggle and suffered alone to fix anything especially for the company that belong to him. I dont know what he thinking right now. He is even has a wife, and soon to be a father. But he seems like not feel bothered about that. He is not even thinking how to survive, how to find money, how to find a job. He is not also even thinking about the future of our company. All he did was just sleep, wake up in noon, and nothing. Dooes he know that he is not a rich ? That money not coming easily ?

- and mom, who always put the blame on me. That everything happened because of me. Every single day she keeps complaining why my brother like that, why his wife like this, and most things she always talked is about money. I know Im not earning that much 🥲 I feel ashamed of it and guilty because I never been make her proud since born.

- my customer, adrian. You are literally a kind of evil. Dont you forget all this time Im helping you. I never complain about the late payment you always do. But you betrayed me and put youtlr work to my competitor which is my uncle. What were you thinking when you do that. I swear to God never ever accept job from you. I believe theres a chance for me, theres a better and halal job from others.

- a good news is, Im applying a job as a civil staff. Still has no news yet that im pass the administration test or not. But I really really really put my hope here :( Im not applying for money but Im applying for paying the debt. I dont want to have any debt anymore to bu lita or pak toni. I want to sleep and live peafully without even feel bothered everytime I do something.

[itsme-ayunda]

06.09.2023

I mad, because one of my customer betrayed me by postphone the payment. Because of that, everything is messy. I cant buy naterial. Our staff forced to stay at home and not working. Everything is so fucked up.

I mad, because I couldnt find a better opportunity so I won't work with Adrian anymore but the fact we still take the job from him. I hope for the next I can stay away and not taking every job from him. He is truly an evil businessman. He should know and he should pay for what he did one day. He made me cry. He made me messy. Always, everytime I asked for the invoice payment.

I mad, because in this kind of condition my brother thinking to go to Bali. Meanwhile I cant sleep. And halfly alive. In the condition in our office that everything needs to be fixed. But he planning to go.

[itsme-ayunda]

23.08.2023

I have no idea what makes me think to go to take a fancy dinner. So I was being impulsive today by eating all you can eat type of restaurant with 300.000 bucks spent. Its expensive right !

It started in the morning, I was in a bad mood because mom always exaggerating everything. I know she's panic and scared but why we dont just stay calm and just wait. And everything will be okay. But of course its mom, she's always makes herself, and everyone in this house stress.

Because of that I lost my mood for breakfast, and made an instant noodle. It was bad and made me vomit. Its not the food but the feeling, when your mood is ruined and you lose your appetite as well.

I didnt eat anything since then even lunch so I decided to go to the mall and eat there. But I was surprised with the price. I thought its gonna be like 200.000 around that. And now Im regret why I spent that much money in a single time :(((

[itsme-ayunda]

22.08.2023

Last night, I desperately pray for Ibrahim to be my husband. I dont know, I was thinking who is going to be my husband later then end up why is not Ibrahim.

Its tired to get to know someone new this time. Its tiring also for me to starting a new relationship. Since it doesnt work out with M.

I know Ibrahim since five years ago. We've also already known each other. Our families, the condition of us, nothing covered. We've been being a really good friend for five years as well.

But I know Ibrahim might not having interest in me. As he always said, he expecting someone sexy, beautiful, and as smart as him, and of course not coming from asian. And I dont have all of those. Its pathetic right :))

Its so sad right that being a woman and can't do anything. Even to reveal the feeling to someone she likes.

[itsme-ayunda]

15.08.2023

Thinking about moving

I think its been months Ive been thinking about moving out. Not just moving to other city, but country. Im thinking to go overseas.

So couple of days ago I found a video on instagram about ausbildung in germany. I dont know why Im interested to that program, eventhough I know nothing about germany especially the language. But Im so excited when I heard about this program.

The country where I lived and born right now, triggering me to move out. This country is like a mess. Corruption is getting bigger and bigger and couldnt stop. The system, the government everything is messy right now. As a citizen I feels like I never have benefit. Then why Im staying here.

[itsme-ayunda]

01.08.2023

I woke up crying.

I clearly remember what I was dreaming about. It was my dad there. We went to our relatives's house together. And then went home cycling. Stopped to the famous street food (I have no idea where is that) and had snack & coffee together.

I dont really remember what we were talking but I remember we hit our joke each other. We laughed. We mocked people passing through infront of us.

I also remember slightly mom there but I dont know what she was doing.

Dad, I can still feel your hug in that dream. Our hug. I cried in your arm but I dont know why Im crying, you know that right, that Im always crying for no reason hahaha.

I really miss you. You were an early riser, fond of coffee and reading the newspaper. You were a patient one (compared to mom) and impeccably groomed man. And one thing I noticed your suits were always pressed and the shirts were always tucked in, even on weekends. Hahahaha. I asked you where you going, and you said no, just at home and planning to clean our pool.

[itsme-ayunda]

27.07.2023

What Im most afraid of.

I got that question after watching my most watched movie that always lead me to tears. In that movie there was a guy saying he scared of alot of things. Including treatments because he considers mental illness. He deals with symptoms alone and have to deal with manic and depressive episodes.

If that question on me, my answer would be, im most afraid of me. Its been years for me to understanding my self. What I want. What I need. What happened. All I want just to stay alive. I even fighting to be here, in this messy world.

But it seems like my mind kept saying, Im not belong here.

Today, I just realized that my trauma has risen up. My trauma that coming from childhood, from my clueless parents about parenting. Im used to beaten up whenever I made mistake even as small as got a bad score for math. Or scared of go to school alone.

Ita because my sister loosing the important stuff, my mon was really mad today. She is even screaming, banging stuff, and saying bad words. It sounds ordinary for some people but not me. Her emotion stuck in my head, its even still wandering around my mind til this second Im writing this. I got anxious, I had a hard breathing, and crying in silent.

Everytime this kind of thing happened, it got me scared to be a parent. I dont want to be a parent just like my parent, especially mom. She is a representative of not supporting mother. For several times, she made my mental breakdown. For several times as well, she hurting me by her words.

[itsme-ayunda]

[itsme-ayunda]

It hurts more when you dont know whats wrong with yourself.

I just wanna say, suffering mentally doesnt always mean that you are far away from your God. I do all the rituals that I must do in my religion, and I still face this damn depression, anxiety, and so more. Also sometimes you would go through a phase where you cant stop emotions from sinking in.

[itsme-ayunda]

09.07.2023

I saw mom looks diffrerent. She acted as if I did something that make her upset. And I keep wondering until my sister told me that mom couldnt sleep these days because she thinks of me.

She thinking about why Im still not get married in this age. She thinking that how pathetic Iam because I always being alone. She thinking about until this second why I dont have boyfriend.

If there is a chance or if I dont -maybe I'll die sooner or maybe leave the house without saying anything- I want to say alot of things to her.

Im happy mom. Im truly truly and truly happy. With or without someone beside me. Im happy with myself and thats what Ive been learning. Its not easy for me to manage my emotion and mental to a person Iam right now.

Speaking about marriage. Its all about destiny. The destiny that already written and I have nothing to do with that. If it could be changed I would. I would like to write and decide which destiny I wanted.

Of course I want to be a wife, a mother, in a beautiful family that Ive been dreamed of. Living in a beautiful house, beautiful country, being a stay at home wife/mom and focusing in my family. Again, its just my dream, not my destiny.

Mom, you think Im fine ? You think Im okay with all of this ? Im broken. Im ruined. In the second my mind mess up, all Im thinking just hanging my self or jumping from the bridge. All Im thinking is I want to die. Because I know you feel embarassed having a daughter that still not married yet in this age.

Isnt that enough mom that Im being a good person all this time ? I keep my virginity. I stay away from drugs, alcohol, other thing that you probably dont wanna hear. I could loose my virginity easily like some of my friends but I dont want to. Because I know you will disapointed on me. I could easily leave home and forget anything. But I choose not to. I choose to stay because you have no one.

You seems like tired about me, what about me ? Im tired too. I sometimes loosing my identity. I loose myself. All I wanted just being supported but all I got was just a judging and pressuring.

You have to know that Im happy. That matters.

[itsme-ayunda]

04.07.2023

Im in the phase that having a hard time to get sleep. Its been a week I feels this. And its been a week as well Im not praying. I feels like im loosing my iman, trust issue to my own faith.

[itsme-ayunda]

03.07.2023

Its suddenly july, and I still have no progress about my manifest.

These days got me thinking, is this life that im praying for ? I dont even remember what pray I mentioned. Seems like my life is so hard. Relationship, future, financial, and the mental of mine. What did I say in the past so God gave me this kind of life.