itsok2bunstable-blog

[itsok2bunstable-blog]

This has got to be the worst year of my life. The stress felt like I could be buried in it. Every day the work piled higher and higher, until eventually it felt like Mount Everest was standing on my chest, making it hard to grasp even the smallest breathe of air.  

“This just isn’t going to work out anymore”

I woke from my daydream to stare at the all too familiar face in front of me. The storm gray eyes I fell in love with six months ago, when I first laid eyes on the man in front of me, now all they did was make me feel sick. Like I was about to lose the walking tacos I had for lunch right here right now.

“But why?”

All I wanted was an explanation. Sure, lately we have both been so busy with our intense schedules that seeing each other became difficult. Not to mention the undeniable difference that’s been going on between us since he started working with that new girl who transferred into our school a month ago. I could have seen this coming if I paid attention to the obvious signs. That, however, does not mean that this felt any better. In fact, currently my heart felt like it was slowly being pulled out of my chest, so slow that I could feel every tear from an artery, every movement of the clenched fist around my pumping heart, squeezing it so tightly that I just wished it would stop pumping blood through my weak body.

“It’s not you...”

The over used words of every ending relationship rang through my ears like a siren, never ending and only getting louder. The words Jessie said sounded muffled, like he was talking under water. I caught some things, like how he’s been seeing that new girl and falling for her with every time they met. The world around me seemed to spin all except for the boy in front of me, I realized in this moment that he was not a man, but a boy posing as a man.

“Ariel, please don’t put this on yourself. We just didn’t work out, friends?”

From there I only remember bits and pieces, I remember saying okay. I remember walking to my house and briefly waving at the few people I passed by. I somehow manger to keep the building tears at bay until I reached my small apartment. As soon as I unlocked the door, my knees buckled sending me crashing to the floor, the sobs shook my chest as they came out. This is what they call an ugly cry. Soon enough I was coughing with every breathe. All the promises of forever, all the I love you’s, the talks about our future together, all meant absolutely nothing now. All of it was one gigantic lie. It felt like someone placed a fifty-pound weight on my chest, making it almost impossible to breathe. Almost being the keyword, I could still manage small gasps of air, just enough to keep me alive. All I could feel as pain, insane pain.

           After two hours of nonstop crying I finally settled from an outrageous sob to a soft tear cry, and was able to call my best friend, the only other person that knew about her panic attacks other than the boy she just waisted six months on. Cody rushed over, of course with my most favorite comfort items, including a blue fuzzy blanket from his house, a cheesy chick flick and curly fries from Arby’s with Arby’s sauce. I couldn’t help but close my heavy eyes as he ran his fingers through my thick black hair.

“Hey, don’t fall asleep on me yet punk, we haven’t even gotten to the overly dramatic breakup”

I let a small chuckle from my lips, there’s a possibility he’s watched way too many of these movies with me. I pluck a fry from the container before submerging it into the sauce and throwing it into my mouth where I relished in the sweet and spicy combination before saying my first words all night.

“Thank you for coming”

My voice sounded so weak and hoarse that I cringed, barely recognizing my own voice. Even after years of this, I still felt so embarrassed allowing anyone to see me this weak.

“Hey, it’s kind of my job considering I am your best friend”

I offered a weak smile in his direction. Our moms were best friends since high school, they somehow managed to get pregnant at the same time. We were raised together, even though he is two days younger than me, since someone just had to take their sweet ole time to come out. We were raised together, family vacations, family dinners, tons of sleepovers, any huge event basically was spent together. Through the years we developed a close knit of friends, his football friends and my lacrosse friends meshed well and once we got to high school it wasn’t just us, parties, hanging out, we were typically always in group of six with our closest friends. Still, we always managed to make time for just us, even if it was just helping my mom make dinner before Friday Family Night. However, when we were 15 my world came crashing around me. My loving mother, who had been fighting leukemia for three years suddenly took a turn for the worst and lost her long battle. At her funeral I had my first ever panic attack, people who I never met were approaching me and telling me how much I looked like her, how sorry they were, that at least I got 1 years to be her daughter and remember the lessons she taught me. It all became too much to handle and before I knew what was happening, I was shaking, feeling ice cold, my world was spinning, and it became so difficult to breathe. Cody, who hadn’t left my side all day immediately picked up on his and carried me outside, where I cried on is shoulder for a solid 45 minutes while he held me and didn’t say a single thing, he just let me cry it out. That was the first of many, very quickly out tradition became Arby’s fries and a movie, sometimes three however many it took to make me feel better.

“Where’s your mind at chicken?”

The nickname I haven’t been able to shake since we were 13 when I refused to jump off a cliff into the local river makes me roll my eyes.

“Well unlike you I’m watching the movie.”

Small white lies to keep him from knowing how often I think of my mom usually work and keep me from having to explain these things, in truth though he knows without asking, it’s like this unspoken truth between us because I know he thinks of her as well. Before I can even register what is happening a pillow is hitting my face. As a child I always ought a pillow fight would be soft and not hurt, because pillows are soft and tender and there’s no way they could hurt. Man was I false, my face stung from the zipper of the cushion hitting my cheek and I’m sure my face insanely turned red after the impact. My moth dropped, forming an O as I mincingly shot the death glare at Cody. I grabbed the closest pillow too me and swung it with all my might in his direction. His eyes widened and he flinched before I even made contact, he held out his hands in the hopes to deflect the object now flying at him. The pillow made contact in the most epic pillow swing ever seen on this planet. As I wound up for hit number two, because let’s face it who ends a pillow fight at just when hit he yelped,

“Mercy! Mercy!”

I couldn’t help but giggle at his big baby eyes, starring up at me begging me to end this pillow torture.

“I hit harder than you youngin”

He narrowed his baby blue eyes at me and wined.

“Only by two days”

This got me to giggle because he sounded exactly like he did when we were eight, that same little voice that cried to mom anytime we got into a fight or he scraped a knee riding his bike.

“Oh, hush up. Look it’s the breakup”

We watched as Savanna broke up with John through a letter after not talking to him in months, we watched as he threw all the letters into a fire pit and his best friend approached him. That’s when we learn that she was engaged to another man and planning on getting married to him.

“Well that was shitty.”

I most definitely agreed but at the same time he chose to reenlist after 9/11 without even really discussing the option with her. I could only imagine how it felt knowing he might never come home, especially after 9/11.

“I mean she definitely could have done it better, but he did reenlist”

As we continued to argue about the Nicolas Sparks movie, I couldn’t help but think about Jessie. Fr the past few weeks anytime I tried to reach out he was always too busy to hang out yet was able to make time for this new girl.

“He was probably with her every time.”

My own voice made me jump as I realize I said this personal inside thought out loud, meaning Cody most definitely heard it. Since Cody got here while I was an absolute mess I wasn’t able to tell him at happened. Once I got calmed down enough, he knows not to ask because nine times out of ten it sets another attack off just thinking about the trigger.

“What?”

I turned so my body was facing him and as the tears slowly fell down my cheeks, leaving wet trails behind their path, I told him the story. With Cody I don’t typically hold anything back, he’s always been my safe space, my go to for rants and I know anything I do say is between me and him.

“I’m going to kill him”

Was his only response after I finished, I gave him a soft smile after wiping the last of my tears away.

“As sweet as the offer is, we both know he would probably pummel you.”

His hard expression turns soft before he sighs and rubs his face with his hand.

“Your right on that, but he deserves something after the pain es caused you. I am not okay with that; you’ve been through enough already. Stuff he knows about, yet he continued to do this.”

Instead of responding to this, I crawl into his lap and burry my face into the nape of his neck as he wrapped his arms around my waist. The best thing about Cody, is he’s been in my life for so long now that this doesn’t feel awkward, the hugs don’t have meaning behind them other then offering a safe place for me in my weak moments. We stayed in this position, with me silently crying his shoulder until the movie ended. When the credit scene rolled, I jumped up from his lap, wiped my tears, and told him I had an idea.

Walking into Jessie and the psychology blonde having sex is not exactly what I was expecting when we got to Jessie’s house. When Cody pulled up and I noticed that the door was wide open, somehow, I didn’t see the beetle parked next to Jessie’s 2004 light blue Mustang. I walked through the kitchen, not hearing a single sound until I reached the living room. Where the blonde was on her knees, with Jessie’s back facing me. My mouth dropped as I witnessed him pull her hair something, he had done to me a million times. Cody touched my arm making me jump in place before awkwardly clearing his throat. The girl screamed and grabbed a t shirt in attempt to cover herself. Jessie however turned around completely unfazed and turned around with a cocky smile.

“Oh hey, you should have called”

My eyes were still focused on the girl desperately trying to cover herself, as if I didn’t just get a full show of everything, she has to offer a few minutes ago.

“I tried. Three times”

My voice comes out so steady and clean it shocks even me.

“Oh sorry, I’ve been a bit occupied”

Jessie scratched the back of is head, trying to seem guilty but enjoying this moment all too much.

“Put some pants on jackass.”

Cody’s voice wakes me from my zone, and I can feel his thumb moving up and down on the small of my back a slight comfort in this crazy moment. Him being here makes all this a bit easier to handle, because I know if it was just me, I would have lost my stuff the minute I walked into this room. I watch as Jessie grabs his shorts from the ground and slides them on effortlessly, as if his is ex-girlfriend of not even a day walking in on him having sex with another girl happens often.

“Come get our shit”

Without another word, I pivot on my heel and walk back through the kitchen and out to Cody’s Nissan Altima. I popped the trunk and start throwing Jessie’s things onto the street. Before I reach the fourth box Cody came from behind me and grabbed my hands. Jessie was behind me desperately trying to gather the things that have fallen out from the boxes.

“Let me do it.”

I sheepishly manage to nod my head and step back as Cody unloads the last two boxes. As this all unfolded Infront of me my mind went completely blank. My head tilted back, and I saw the stars of the night sky. Suddenly the toll that today has taken on me takes full effect and the exhaustion takes over. He didn’t even wait a day; we broke up a total of six hours ago and she was already over here. He same girl he broke up with me for.

“Come on.”

Cody’s touch startles me from my thoughts, and when I look back down from the sky, I realize it’s just me and him alone in the empty street. Cody’s soft hand guides me to the passenger side of the car, where he opens the door and allows me to slide in. My whole body feels numb, every limb of my body feels heavy. My head rolls back onto the seat cushion as Cody starts the car. I can feel my eyelids getting heavier with every blink I take and before I know it, they become too heavy to even open. The last thought that crosses my mind before sleep finally takes over is,

He’s been sleeping with her this whole time.