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From zero to sixty in two seconds flat. Bonus points if it's something I've always wished about myself but I never knew was remotely possible.

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The Worst Part About Crushes

Is after they get struck by the truth of the situation and they’re there bleeding and hurting and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.. no matter how long it takes. You can’t call for help, you can’t do CPR. All you can do is watch them slowly die a raspy, painful death and wait until they dissipate into the abyss of your memory. And the other sucky part is that you have no idea how long that will take...

The look of surprise on your face today keeps replaying over in my head. It’s clear that you didn’t expect to see me and I could almost see the panic in your eyes. Almost. 

I guess I should take comfort in the fact that we’re both at least a little freaked out about the other. You can’t avoid me forever... but I know you’re probably going to try.

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Things Seen On The Bus...

Today on the bus, I saw a man with a big bottle of creamer in his vest pocket. Wonder what his story is. Probably not as interesting as what it could be, haha.

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Day 1 of my vacation, suntanning by the pool and catching up on some reading 😊

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Let It Stop With You

There's a lot of hate, bigotry and intolerance in this world. Don't answer by adding some of your own. Understand that even though someone's opinion seems wrong due to intolerance, bigotry or anything along those lines, it's still their opinion and they have a right to it as much as you do and anyone else. Perhaps if the initial reaction to differing opinions like this was to understand instead of condemn, the world would be a little less cold. I believe there is a reason for every belief, like millions of stories in a person, all to shed light, if only a little, on why they believe the way they do. If we understood that and sought to find the why instead on focusing so much on the what, we'd be a better brother, a better sister to others. Seek to build bridges, don't burn them. Build where others have broken and let the hate stop with you.

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Mondays

I drag myself out of bed minutes after my alarm yanks me from the bliss of sleep. I'm only less than one minute awake and I'm already counting down the days until its the weekend. I know I need to change my situation but whenever I get home, all I ever have the energy to do is sit on my couch until bedtime.

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After All This Time

And even though you've already made your feelings for me quite clear -

My heart still flutters when I see your picture and my mind still clings to your image.

Oh when will I ever be rid of you?

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Emotional destruction born from helpless frustration

I can't get rid of him. Even as my heart yearns for his company, my head strains to flee. And yet, I find I cannot. I wrote him a letter in which I pulled out the stops. I laid it all out, all my feelings and fears. I piled it all on, mostly to purge it from my heart where it was causing chaos and confusion but secretly (and perhaps more importantly) in the hopes that it will scare him off. I figured, no unattracted guy in his right mind will stay after this kind of admission right? Honest to goodness, I expected two lines from him after that letter: ”I'm sorry you feel that way” and ”I'll be here when you're ready to talk”. What did I get instead? A long message that sounded oddly as if the contents of my letter was up for discussion and a promise that a discussion will follow. He doesn't do what he's supposed to. He's supposed to let me leave. No discussing, no long talks, no declarations that he finds me impressive and complex. Please. None. Of. That. I don't need the hope. Don't give me any more. I have to walk away but he keeps pulling me in. What must I do to get him to let me go?

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That Letter

And my message in it, its not up for discussion. 

I owe it to myself to walk away from you. Right now I want something from you you cannot possibly give me. I've tried not to want it but its a losing battle. 

So I have to walk away. I have to. Please don't pull me back in. 

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I realize one of the things that makes me fall the hardest

is when they show me a side of myself I never knew I had. 

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I feel like I'm waiting around for something that will never happen, but how can I walk away when how I am with you is everything I've ever wanted to be?

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And that's my cue to exit...

I know it will be quite a while before I actually do gracefully (but metaphorically bow out) of this scenario but my cue is here, nevertheless. 

I could have waited for you, at least for a little while, if there really were issues with your last relationship. Against my better judgement, I probably would have. Maybe I would have even been stupid enough to take on the ghost that is your ex. But someone else? That's a different story. 

And yes, you say "nothing happened", which for your sake, I will chose to take at face value. However, it wasn't so much "nothing" since you felt it importance enough to tell me about her in the first place. 

So once again, surprise of surprises, I'm an option. 

Awesome. 

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Your concern for me was endearing and sweet. Had we met at an earlier time and in different circumstances, we might have been something more than this.

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Thoughts On Meeting The Exception

You don't think you'll meet them until you actually do. 

No, I'm not talking about "the one" or whatever it is Mr/Mrs Right is being called these days. I'm talking about the one person that changes everything you've ever known about yourself and how you interact with others. The one that causes you to stray from your normal, familiar, tried and true modes of behavior. 

I'm too much of a realist to think meeting this person equals spending the rest of your life with them. However, I am an idealist enough to believe that this person is meant to teach you something or several things. The very least, that such a behavior from you is quite possible. 

Having met my exception (the first one thus far anyway), I realized something else. No matter how hard you try or how distracted you think you are, I think you can't help but fall for them. 

They show you a side of yourself you've never seen before. Maybe, its a side you've even wanted to see but thought it impossible. And because of that ability of theirs, effortless in their part, they've become this thought-provoking, fascinating puzzle. You can't stop thinking about them, trying to figure out what it is they have that makes them so different, or what is it about them that makes you act so. Eventually, that fascination grows into admiration. Add in some meaningful conversations, the kind you yearn for but hardly ever find, and admiration grows into a quiet affection.  Even if their effect on you terrifies you to the bones, you're still drawn to them because they're doing something no one else has done before. And in your search to try to figure out why, that's when it happens. 

But even if you don't end up together (life's great like that, isn't it?), its still an experience to have. No matter how terrifying it is, or how vulnerable you feel, you shouldn't run away. Even if you believe in your heart of hearts that this story will end with him meeting his love of his life and you walking away with your shattered heart, you owe it to yourself to stay. Because exceptions don't come everyday, and they came into your life for a reason (even if its not the reason you want) and I don't think being friends with them, no matter how long or short that relationship might be, is something you'll want to take back. 

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But I don't want to love him. At least not romantically. I guess I could live with honest to goodness platonic affection but this is the moony, pathetic, selfless, do-anything-to-make-you-happy-even-if-it-kills-me-inside kind of thing. And the thing is, I have to keep quiet about it, which is mostly why its hard. I can't say anything because I've already said too much.

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I miss him. I let myself miss him. It feels like a blanket, surrounding my heart and thoughts; mildly comforting but mostly suffocating.

My heart insists I should reach out and say hello. And if I gave in, I'd have done it everyday. 

Unfortunately (or not) my pride is louder, stronger. And so I've sat, waiting, quietly suffering. 

We're simply friends after all (and poor ones at that). What claim do I have for his time or attention?