itsssstala

[itsssstala]

I lay on my bedroom floor, still not fully alert having had a lazy day, freshly cried out and listening to the sound of cars passing on the street outside. I heard the sound of a bank playing somewhere in the distance and I'm not sure if it was my imagination, but I was transported back to the days I would spend napping in Jonathan's bed and all the time my face felt warm from crying after a fight. Is it weird that I reminisce about those times a little bit? I don't know why I do. It's not like I was happy back then. I was much more broke than now and not nearly as happy in my relationship. I don't know what I want out of life. Life is so harsh and I think I want a relationship I can feel soft in. But is that even realistic? I want someone to rub my back and play with my hair and randomly tell me how much they love me. I want to melt in someone's arms and forget my worries for a moment. But am I even capable of having that? Is that even realistic? I don't know anything anymore. All I know is right now I'm sitting in my bedroom with the little light left outside lighting my room up just enough.

[itsssstala]

Last December me and Z were walking around campus late at night when it hit midnight and he informed me that that had been the second birthday in a row which he had spent with me and would have otherwise spent alone. At the time, I was happy to have been able to be that person for him on those occasions. But that same night he managed to damage how I felt about myself in such a casual way. He spoke about how if I was slimmer, my partner would prefer me that way and would find me more attractive. As someone who has struggled with eating disorders and absolutely destroyed my health by starving myself, those words continued to ring in my ears for a long time. Lately, I find that I gain weight when under stress, despite the fact that my eating behaviors have never changed and I am more active than I was before. Those words have become increasingly louder and every time I look at my partner, I wonder if he has begun to find me less attractive due to my weight fluctuating, no matter how small it may be. I can’t even begin to explain how much it’s gotten in the way of my life and my self image and it makes me wonder how much happier I could have been had I put myself and my happiness before the happiness of others. If I had realized early on how unhappy I felt around Z and how negative he can talk sometimes, I could have accepted easier that my partner, who has stuck by my side through every single moment, could actually love me and find me attractive. I’ll never forget one of our last phone calls. Frankly, I still have no hard feelings towards him. He’s not someone that’s beneficial to my life, but I know that now and can move forward with people who are. I hope he grows as a person and finds friends who will go out of their way for his birthdays.

[itsssstala]

I realized that I have to process the series of unfortunate events that led me to this point in my life before i can ever truly get better as a person.

I often think about that first week I spent away from home and I’m always in shock at how far I’ve come. The truth is, I almost ended my life that week. I had been dealing with the affects of the rape for months and had it brought up all over again first when he contacted me after months, and again when I was forced to leave home because of it. There was also the situation with ** as he was still actively threatening me. I lived in fear of him making good on his threats and knew that if my father, who had already been sending me death threats at this point, caught wind of what had happened, I was for sure going to be killed. My mother was spamming me with hurtful messages day and night. I couldn’t trust anyone with my location because my own mother had sold me out earlier when I first left. I froze any time I heard a loud car, thinking it could be my father coming to find me. I never slept on the bed, I always slept on the couch with my phone in my hand, hoping my parents would have a change of heart and show me the parental compassion that I so desperately needed from them. I can’t say that was my loneliest moment, but it came very close. On top of everything, everyone was home for spring break and I had no way of seeing anybody.

I truly don’t know how I made it out of that alive. I’m even more baffled by the fact that I’ve managed to make a life for myself where I can finally be semi comfortable. It’s hard, I’m tired all the time, and sometimes I get sad. But the sadness will never compare to what I felt before.

My truly loneliest moment, which I’ve talked about before, happened the week of the rape. The day before it all happened, my dad had kicked us out of the house and we found out about his cheating. That was the first time I met Him in person. In that moment, all I needed was someone to understand me and be there for me. I knew his sympathy was feigned, but I couldn’t stand to be by myself after what I had just experienced. The funny thing is, it didn’t happen that night. I had forgotten my glasses in his car and I decided I should go back for them the next day. It was that one small action which turned over my entire life. I bled for a week afterwards. I remember waking up one night at 3 am in such excruciating pain and I remember realizing I had nobody to go to and feeling more alone than I’ve ever felt. I did go to the doctors. The one chance I had for somebody to notice and try to help went unnoticed and often I wonder what would’ve been different if they did. I went in a few months later when ** made me lose feeling in my arm, and still nobody said anything. That same exact week, my father was stabbed and my mothers fate was sealed.

I can’t stand the thought of ever feeling that alone again. And so ever since then, I’ve always kept somebody around, because I don’t know what would happen to me if I had to endure even a fraction of that pain again. It’s turned me into somebody I can’t face anymore. I miss the way I used to love. It was so beautiful and I can’t seem to find that beauty in myself anymore. I’m too scared to even look now, because I don’t think I’ll like what’s replaced it. I miss my innocence, I miss the pure joy I used to feel, and I miss the love that used to radiate from my soul. I had one option when everything happened; and that was to leave that person behind in order to get ahead. But now that I’m ahead, I keep looking back at the person I was and wishing it could’ve been different. I wish my uncle was still alive. I still had so much to talk to him about and he was the only person who could understand me, because he lived it. When my family tried to trap me into a situation I couldn’t endure anymore, and I looked at my mother whose only words to me were “I can’t help you”, he was the only one that understood. As I walked out of the door that night he told me to take care of myself and within those words, I felt a world of understanding.

I say all this to say, I need to start processing all of these things and what they’ve done to me. The way I’ve been living isn’t sustainable anymore. I don’t want to be a person who lives in their hurt constantly and doesn’t even realize it. I want to embrace it so that I can let it go as best I can so that one day, I can finally be someone who I’m proud to be and someone who can truly live. I’m so thankful to everyone that’s helped me realize these things and helped me get to this point. I paved my path on my own, but the people I met along the way made it so that I could endure it all and get to a point where being able to process things safely is a reality for me.

One day, I won’t need to repeat these things so often and I’ll be able to truly leave the behind. But for now, this is how I know how to process it.

[itsssstala]

Every day is a marker for me, a reminder of how far I’ve made it, of where I was this time last year and how far I’ve made it. Every day I’m fighting to prove to myself that I’m stronger than who I used to be. Every day I suffocate more and more under the weight of everything I’ve shouldered in my lifetime. Because the truth is, I never wanted this life. I never liked being alone. I remember the moment I found out what the meaning of loneliness really was. And I haven’t been able to shake it since then. The moment it found the plot it had reserved in my soul and it’s shovel bit the land, it built its home in a place it never belonged. I never agreed with the notion of independence society had. I can do it all on my own. But I don’t want to. I want somebody who will remind me what it’s like to feel warm. To be held and not just feel the superficial warmth, but rather the warmth that reminds you “I know what it is you’re going through, I notice you, I see everything, and I will always be just a step to your right whenever you need me”. That says the words that are stronger than I love you. I see you. Instead, I curl into myself late at night when the exhaustion I’ve been filling my time up to ignore causes me to squeeze my eyes shut in an attempt to keep the tears from coming. The tears have already drenched my face. But I don’t have time to be sad. I must sleep as much as I can to prepare for the day ahead. For the days that are never long enough.

[itsssstala]

maybe I just attach myself to people that make me feel like I’m actually living, for better or for worse. 

[itsssstala]

Excerpts from my short essay Reborn 5/18/2021

“ During my darkest times, I’ve always turned to writing. I always found it hard to express myself with words, they always come out jumbled up and I find myself fighting so hard to have someone understand me. It frustrates me more than anything. The only way I feel that I can truly get across how I am feeling is through writing. Every notebook I have is filled with mediocre poems scribbled in the margins, there are note cards and sticky notes all around my room and in my bags with words I rushed to get down, hoping to encapsulate the way I felt in that moment. I have always struggled with emotional permanence. I know, logically, I felt that feeling before but if I can’t capture it or if I don’t have a constant reminder of how that felt, I might as well never have felt it before. Because of this, I always feel a desperate need to capture every single detail and every single one of my emotions before they are lost. It reminds me I am alive, that I have experienced things that are the reason behind why I am the way I am, and that I can get through hardships.”

“I looked at my own father differently after this. I had lost an uncle to brain cancer years prior but I was much younger back then, I had not entirely grasped the concept of death yet. Leading up to my most recent uncle’s death though, I had not spoken to my father in weeks despite living in the same house as him. My mother always tells me that I am more like my father than anyone and while I hated to admit it, she was right. Because of this, we constantly disagreed on things and kept pushing each other until things finally erupted. We sat outside together that night, not speaking but understanding everything we were saying. Neither of us wanted things to be this way.”

“These things may have been fine if I was ever given the chance to properly heal from them but I never was. Life would not stop for me or for anyone else and I was forced to pick it all up and carry it around with me. I could not pretend to know what I was doing anymore. I had been torn open at the seams and even if I tried to stitch it all back together, which seemed impossible to do, it would never be the same again. This story does not have a happy ending, at least not yet; I am still learning. It feels as if I have become an entirely new person and I have to learn how to function once again. I hope that one day I’ll be able to look back at this time of my life and see that it was a turning point for a better place. For now, I can only do the best with what I have.”

[itsssstala]

quoting myself on my instagram because i’m just good like that 😭😭

[itsssstala]

I miss when the family used to be close and me and my brother would go on trips with my favorite uncle and my cousin used to be my best friend. And my grandpa would show me how to do backflips in the front yard and all the holes in his sheets from the cigarettes. I would always sleep at my grandparents house and my grandpa had a plastic drawer by his bed that he kept all the snacks in candies in. Slim jims, krabby patty gummies, fruit roll ups. Every birthday my grandpa would have $5 for me, one time it was change in a plastic bag. my grandpa had breakfast at our house the day he passed, I remember studying quran with my mom in her room when she got the call and called the ambulance and her hand slamming into the kitchen table, the same table currently tucked away in our basement. I remember sitting on the kitchen floor with everyone with our backs against the extra freezer at the funeral and my mom telling me to go upstairs to get some rest. I dreamt about my grandpa that night, we were in a white room and i knew it was him but there was a hole where his face was supposed to be. Earlier I had heard my parents talking upstairs and I sneaked up and saw my mom sitting with my dad as he cried. That was the only time I had ever seen him cry. When my uncle died, his oldest brother, I remember he just stood on the balcony quietly and smoked. I have so many fond memories of my uncle, of the trips, the stern love, the fatherly energy. He made friends wherever he went. Once he took me, my mom, and brother to jordan and I remember the stop we made in new york. Running around trying to catch the train, him laughing with people he just met, taking everything in and feeling a special type of joy you could only feel in childhood. I remember seeing him change as the cancer overtook him, I remember my dad cutting off the hair my uncle was always proud of in the hospital room, which was always kept dark to ease his headaches. I remember the last ramadan, the last trip, the last bits of joy. I remember what his body smelt like after they had cleaned it for the funeral and wrapped him up in white sheets, I remember how cold he was, and I remember sitting in the mosque by myself trying to hold on to the smell. My brother was playing with the last gift he had gotten me and ruined it and I remember feeling like I had lost the last part of him I had. I remember my cousin telling me how much he loved me at the funeral. I could never imagine what it feels like to lose a dad like that. And I remember all these things because i’m afraid to forget. I’m afraid that one day I’m going to forget all the little details and then they’ll be gone for good. Even though they’ve passed, when I remember them it feels like there’s still a part of them here. A part of them I can keep with me that eases the ache of missing them and missing the emotions that I attached to that time and to them. That’s why I keep talking about them and keep remembering.

[itsssstala]

There are many important dates throughout the year that have been tainted for me by the memories of where I was in life the fall of 2021 and the spring of 2022. Halloween 2021, the infamous halloweekend, I met someone who was the first chapter in a story i’ve tucked away into parts of my memory that even I can no longer reach. Orange, yellow, red, those colors no longer symbolize the renewal of nature. They have become something I dread I start to relive my past. This past halloween was also a Halloweekend, and in an effort to make new memories over it that I would no longer dread I decided to make the most of it. I went out to enjoy the season as I wished I could the years prior. I was with new people who valued me and made me feel safe and allowed me to continue learning about myself. At the last party of the weekend I faced the same person that had caused me so much pain and grief and instead of breaking down, like i was always so scared would happen if I were to see him again, I was able to physically face what was crippling me for so long. In that moment I realized what i was so fearful of was quite small after all, and instead of feeling scared I felt at peace in a strange way.

With all this mind, the seasons changed again, the cold was no longer so biting, and symbols of love were strewn all around. But even with this newfound hope and warmth that the atmosphere offered, it came with another wave of memories which I dreaded and felt wouldn’t allow me to live in the present as I hoped I would have been able to do. I made small gifts for my friends just as I did the years prior. Every card and every trinket that I dropped in their bags reminded me of the day I sat in my friends dorm helping them put together their heart shaped glasses as I discussed how I would move forward with all the trials life had brought me. The caring I extended to them always came with a hint of sadness that no one could have really understood or could help with. But when the days finally arrived, I was reminded of all the other anniversaries that I had experienced. My one year (February 16) with my therapist who I saw me through the lowest point of my life and helped me grow above it. A year (February 17) of being friends with the person who loved me enough to do what he knew would hurt him but save me from another heartbreak, who sat on the kitchen island while I quietly sobbed, confiding in him about the deep loneliness I felt and in response never left my side. We saw each other through many highs and lows. We went on a road trip together where he showed me where he had grown up and the places he would go when he was younger, we stopped by a peach farm and what should’ve been a few hour drive turned into a day trip through the south. I think of all the new people I have met and all the love I have received from them and all the love I still have left to give. The memories of the past no longer hurt as much, they’re just proof of all that I’ve overcome and all that I have yet to experience. I’ve been shown love and hate in some of its purest forms and yet love has always come out stronger. There were always be pain and suffering in life, that’s not something we can avoid. That’s what yin and yang is, and without it there would be no balance and we would never be able to value the love we receive as much as we do. Everything happens for a reason, everyone has come into my life taught me something that allowed me to grow and become the person I am today. And the person I am today is someone who is loved and cared for by many people, so that has to mean something.

[itsssstala]

i’ve seen so many people come and go in my life and a common trend with many of these people is the intense attachment we experience at the beginning. I don’t think this happiness im experiencing right now is dependent on anybody, although there have definitely been catalysts, but i wonder if this “relationship” is really what i think it is. am i setting myself up to get hurt again? i made a lot of mistakes in my past and while i do still feel shame from them, i understand that i can’t change the past. i just don’t want to bring the same feelings from my past into my future. is it inevitable? Regardless of what happens in the future with oscar, i want to remember these last few nights as some of the best of my life. in a crazy moment last night i wanted to tell him something insane but he already knew the three words that were on the tip of my tongue. we’re both crazy, but crazy in an endearing way. i’m going to learn a lot these coming months. about myself, about him, about the world. i want to be the best version of myself by the time i graduate. i’ll always be growing but i won’t have the chance to truly enjoy time the way i do now. i want to take it all in in its purest moments, without tainting it with expectations for the future. nothing lasts forever, but in these moments, forever is just within reach and i’ve already spent forever with you. sitting on the balcony with this cup of tea has cleared my mind in a way only it can. butterfly will never mean the same thing again.

[itsssstala]

Why do you blame me? How can you blame me?

If you saw his eyes, How beautiful they are, You would not say, That my absent-mindedness and my late nights, Are a price too high to pay. And the people reproach me… and what am I to do, my heart?  They want to forbid me from him. Why, my heart?  From the day his love touched my heart  It opened the door to yearning  And he is my lover, and he is my fortune  And he is the light to my eyes and my heart  And he is my youth and my relatives and all my beloveds  And the people reproach me… and what am I to do, my heart?  They want to forbid me from him. Why, my heart?

<- Betlomoni Leh, sung by Abdul Halim Hafez (1959)

[itsssstala]

laying in front of the window hoping to catch enough sunlight to keep me going through this cold winter day

[itsssstala]

Vincent van Gogh, Ever Yours: The Essential Letters

[itsssstala]

A KIND OF MUTUAL HAUNTING

Rare Monk, ‘Happy Haunting’ Emily Brontë, Wuthering Heights The Great, 1x10 ‘The Beaver’s Nose’ Fiona Apple, ‘Slow Like Honey’ Judith McNaught, Almost Heaven @sunsbleeding​ (x) Beyoncé, ‘Haunted’ Fleetwood Mac, ‘Silver Springs’ Theodore Roethke, On Poetry and Craft Naiche Lizzette Parker, ‘Halloween’ Iris Murdoch, An Unofficial Rose

[itsssstala]

I’m sitting here writing this from the dining table with the balcony door slightly opened, his music playing from his phone as he curls up on the couch. This is nice. This is love. One day I will say those words again - to him. I can’t just yet but that’s okay. I hope he understands. 

[itsssstala]

Everyone forgets Icarus also flew

1. Jack Gilbert / 2. “The Fall of Icarus” by Merry-Joseph Blondel / 3. Lines attributed to Irish poet Oscar Wilde / 4. “The Fall of Icarus” by René Milot / 5. Charles Baudelaire / 6. “The Lament for Icarus” by Herbert James Draper / 7. Ilya Kaminsky / 8. “Icarus on the Rocks” by Vlaho Bukovac / 9. Nina Mouawad

[itsssstala]

I want a break, I really do, but whenever I think about all the things I need to do a break just doesn’t seem realistic. Today I was almost forced to take a break. I opened up about the suicidal ideation I’ve been having and they told me I need to go to a psych center. I’m going to clear some things up and take that break before my body shuts down at a bad time and I don’t have the ability to make that choice for myself anymore. I’m always tired but I’m always stressed about all the things I need to do. I need a chance to process some of these things.