itssusanbitxh

[itssusanbitxh]

5/29/19

i feel very blessed that i’m not a person who needs a significant other to be happy. would it be nice to have a bf/gf ? yes. but do i need someone to make me feel like a whole person? absolutely not. this isn’t one of those things like “i’m lonely and i’m acting like i’m fine to make myself feel better”; it’s 100% genuine. i will never need another person’s affection or attention to validate me as a person.

[itssusanbitxh]

7/8/18

anyone else have days where they’re super confident and even tho they don’t fit the general idea of beauty they don’t give a fuck and then some days they’re like “o ya no i’m like ugly”

i wish i could be more confident ab my chin, belly and boobs bc i have other cool features like my eyes and i love my hips but it is v v hard !!

i’m gonna try to be more accepting of my body how it is. but i told myself i would start exercising more this summer and i never did bc i’m always busy so when i have any free time i try to spend it relaxing or hanging out with people

o whale ik i haven’t even hit my peak yet so i’m not super worried, just wish i liked my body more rn

[itssusanbitxh]

2/25/18

buckle up bois it's ab to get cheesy !!!!!!!!

i hate being this kind of person who like obsesses over things they did in the past and constantly thinks ab people they should move past or whatever but i completely fucked with seth.

maybe it's the 80s love songs playing in the background rn but i have never felt ab anyone like i have ab him. i'm sad bc he was the only guy i've been able to hold a conversation with ab stuff like music and movies and books and politics for more than 2 minutes. every time he sends me a message i still get excited and thinking ab how much i like him makes my stomach hurt but in a good way ??? which is maybe what's supposed to happen (i'm not 100% sure lmk if i actually have the stomach flu)

obviously it's not an option to try to do something ab it but like ,,, how do i get over this?? any advice is appreciated pls n thx

[itssusanbitxh]

1/29/18

I am seriously regretting living at home this semester. i definitely needed to leave slu but i thought staying here would help ease me away from home. when we made the decision, the only thing that helped my anxiety was being with my mom. but now i'm just miserable.

i decided that when i'm at mizzou, i'm not going to talk to my mom as much. i need to separate more not only because i'm a literal adult and shouldn't be so dependent on her, but also because she is the cause of so many of my issues and i don't know what will happen if this all keeps up. i'm worried though that my anxiety will get even worse and that i'll ask her to drive down or something. i don't want to have to start depending on anyone else, but if my anxiety does get worse then i know olivia liz and emily will be there for me.

i also need to start talking to my dad more. i love him so much and he's the only parent i can stand to be around for more than a week. my schedule is just so hectic now and he's always busy when i call. but i need to make more of an effort.

[itssusanbitxh]

1/10/17

hey,, i'm a dumb IDIOT. that's all

[itssusanbitxh]

11/23/17

feeling a feeling i haven't in a while and it's so good

[itssusanbitxh]

ahhh

a video just came up on twitter when i was going through an account's media tab and it had fix you playing and now i feel sick. that song will forever represent the first time i realized that the people i love the most could be taken away at any moment so now i'm most likely going to be up all night thinking about that !!

[itssusanbitxh]

11/8/17

wow it's been a hot minute!

i was doing pretty good earlier but now i'm feeling really unsure ab my whole life. i fell behind in chem and the exams in a week but i have no idea what's going on. i have papers and exams all the way up to break which is super stressful. i thought ab changing my major earlier bc i'm starting to not like science anymore but i realized i would be two years behind. my mom asked if i wanted to come home for my birthday but i probably can't bc i have a paper that next monday and i won't have time to do it over the weekend. that reminded me that my school friends haven't asked if i wanted to do anything for my birthday or tried to make plans. i also miss my dad a lot. and my mom. i want to call someone but i also don't want bronte to hear me cry bc i don't want to talk to her ab it. i really don't know what to do.

[itssusanbitxh]

HEY

tonight i saw this super cute gay couple and they made me jealous bc i (me) want to date a girl so can someone teach me how to attract more girls !! pls n thx

[itssusanbitxh]

5/13/17

i’ve been home for about 30 hours and i already want to go somewhere else. nothing i do seems to make my mom happy. she gets angry at something unrelated and takes it out on me. i’ve come to the realization that the reason i’m so eager to please and such a pushover when it comes to certain things is because of her. i’ve been trying to get her approval and make her happy for so many years. she tells me she’s proud of me but then turns around and makes me feel like an idiot. she makes me want to never come back. and now i’m stuck with her for 3 whole months. sometimes i really wish that we could have lived with my dad. i know that we wouldn’t have the nice house, and i wouldn’t be able to have someone pay for my school, but at least i would be with the parent who i always know loves me. someone who would thank me for doing the dishes instead of asking why i didn’t do the dishes and vacuum. someone who would appreciate me running errands even though i forgot to use the coupon and not someone who would yell at me because i “can’t do one simple task”. and the worst part is that i have to act for everyone else like the reason i talk to my mom all the time and the reason i do so much stuff for her is because i love her so much, and not because i feel like i’ll never be good enough.

[itssusanbitxh]

4/3/17

i'm really glad i started working out this year. i was starting to become more body positive before i came to school, but now i am even more so. i'm comfortable walking around the room with just a bra and shorts on bc i'm not afraid of people seeing my stomach anymore. i'm okay with wearing low cut stuff even tho my boobs are busted as fuck lol. i just feel so much better when i work out. i'm not trying to be one of those annoying ass people who's like "all ur problems will be fixed if u eat healthy and exercise!" bc ik it doesn't happen for everyone. i'm just glad i'm making progress on my acceptance of myself. i still have a ways to go until i'm 100% okay with my body, but i'll get there.

[itssusanbitxh]

3/30/17

quick little journal: bronte has been annoying as fuck lately and i am so not here for it and hopefully she stops soon or i might have to just not come back in the room until i have to go to sleep so yeah fingers crossed we don't have a big fight before summer but if we do, the room in marchetti is technically mine so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[itssusanbitxh]

3/26/17

hello again! i haven't posted an update in a while but all is well! i'm doing so much better in my classes this semester and i'm gonna get to live in the building i wanted next year! today we had a workshop for phi mu all ab formal recruitment next semester and i'm so excited. it's a little nerve wracking knowing i'll have to start conversations with a bunch of strangers but i'm really looking forward to getting new people and telling them all about how awesome phi mu is. also: getting a little!! well that's ab all of it guys. nothing else is really happening in my life. fingers crossed i'll get to go to macy's formal!!

[itssusanbitxh]

2/20/17

well i'm laying in my bed with nothing to do today, listening to my podcast, and all of a sudden i got sad ab not having kids. it kind of feels like a dumb thing to be worried ab bc i don't even know if it's going to be an issue like i could be totally fine, no problem having kids. i'm just so fucking scared bc i have so many health problems that could get in the way. idk what i would do if i couldn't be a mom. macy's said that she would be a surrogate mom but it's not the same. idk it's a dumb thing to be sad ab so i just need to focus on other things !!

[itssusanbitxh]

2/17/17

I don't have anything to rant ab today! lately I've just been like super excited to find the person I'm going to spend my life with and have kids with. It's dumb bc I'm not even talking to or dating anyone but like ... idk ! I've been thinking a lot ab what I would want my wedding to be like if I get married. I've been wondering what my kids are gonna look like. I've been hoping I don't fuck them up. I just want it to happen.

[itssusanbitxh]

1/26/17

don't really have much of an update except that i just got kinda sad that alicia didn't want to be my friend anymore. i've always thought that i was a really good friend to everyone. at least i know that i'll always have macy olivia flabs and lex. i always knew in the back of my head that something would split alicia and i up but i honestly can't imagine them not being in my life. if u guys read this i love u 💜. now to figure out what to do with all my pictures that have alicia in them ...

[itssusanbitxh]

1/16/17

quick s/o to macy forposting her entry and reminding me to do mine!! love u so i moved back into school today and i'm ready to take on this new semester. i know what i have to do to get good grades and i know it's going to take so much effort. i'm really hoping that this semester goes well bc i want to live with bronte and margaret so bad next year. but i'm also super fucking anxious ab what i'm gonna do if things don't work out. maybe i'll find another career i'm interested in. i'm really sad tonight bc i already miss hanging out with my mom every night and spending time with paige and sleeping in my big bed with my cat next to me. i got past it last semester but i really didn't want this month to end. it seems like abby and i are the only ones that have a hard time leaving home. luckily i'm only like 45 minutes away from them but it's not the same. also i know i need to learn to be more independent but i love all the little things from my house. i don't want to grow up and leave paige bc we get along so well most of the time. and even though my mom is actually crazy and sometimes the worst, i still love her and our traditions. okay i'm crying now so i'm gonna finish this post off. here's hoping for a good week.