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[itsthekidchameleon-blog]

Gronk’s Basement Week 1/2 Recap

WHAT IS UP fellas. Alright so here’s the deal. ESPN ruined it’s platform and I’ve been forced to find a new method for posts. Super unhappy about it. For however many years I’ve been working the same shitty platform, trying to be funny, and it’s worked to some degree. I am all out of sorts now and I am going to try something new. The new platform won’t even allow you to post a video or a link. I think this tumblr is something the kids are using these days so I am giving it a shot. Seems pretty sweet so far. No idea if it will work but let’s give it a whirl.

Before I get into the action, I would like to start off by ranking the 2019 team names. If you did not change the name of your team, you tied for last and I hate you.

KT, Tuck, Ease, Macero, Pickett, hate you all, change your team names.

Tight End Luvr 87 - God I miss Gronk.

Purple Cobras - Doug went with a classic movie team name and I don’t hate it. Doug I hope you walk into every NFL Sunday watching location doing this:

Gronk’s Nation Can’t Hang at CF - Steve, I have absolutely NO fucking clue what is happening here. First, this isn’t Gronk’s Nation, it’s the damn basement. Second, CF? CrossFit? Cumberland Farms? Central Falls? Where you going with this name? Need some explanation, please elaborate.

Nuts on the Table - Great name, if this was 2018. Get a new thing Jmart. Also we all know there’s not enough room on the table for your giant disgusting nuts because you already filled the table with 48 empty beer cans.

Devil Without a Koz - DIGGING THIS ONE! A great reference to a timeless classic by Kid Rock. Is it also a nod to the big G-O-D for welcoming Koz into the family? Now that Koz is Jew-no-more, he’s throwing his Kippah in the air, praising the big guy upstairs and shunning the Devil. Koz, little tip from a lifetime Catholic: You only need to go to church once a year (or just tell people you do) and as long as you donate a little money when you do, you’ll get into heaven. Don’t buy into the every Sunday going to church hoopla.

The Vaginas - Honestly do not know if I love or hate this one. I will cut Branch some slack, he’s had a lot on his plate lately so a new team name was probably the least of his worries. So he did the least creative thing he could do and kept his yearly vaginal efforts on par and named his team, The Vaginas. Such a guru move.

Gay Lords - Govey is gay, Lord Jeff’s, all that stuff. Not giving the rest of the league much to say about him here by just admitting to what we’ve been saying all along. I can appreciate the humility here. Well done Gov.

Now I will jump right into the action with some recaps. I may not get to every game due to time/lack of fuck’s to give.

Week 1

**Jmart vs Hurley - **well here we have an ex-roommate battle. For those of you who don’t know, Jmart and I do not live together anymore. He up and moved to San Diego one day, it was the strangest thing. I came home from work one day and all his shit was gone, and all he left was a note on the kitchen table that said he had to go see about a girl.

At any rate, I refuse to let Lamar Jackson help me to a win for the first time in two weeks (foreshadowing) and started Carson Wentz. Losing Tyreek Hill killed me really. Jmart had a pretty solid outing with 16 points from Steven Gostkowski and 31.6 from the Goat, ultimately beating me by less than 8 points.

Branch vs KT - Well this was an absolute slug fest. Branch had 36.7 from DeSean Watson, Jacobs rumbled for 23.8, and Barkley with 16, but he fell just shy of KT’s performances including 38 from McCaffrey, 33 from Mahomes, and 28.4 from Derrick Henry. KT certainly has some studs on his team and will be a tough out this year. KT notches one in the win column and the GURU one in the W.

Keach vs Koz - This one was not even close. Koz notched his first weekly points prize of $25 throwing up 151.7 with strong performances from Mark Ingram scoring 22.7, his random tight end Mark Andrews who added 20.8, another 30 from Bell and Fournette and Alshon scoring 19.6 to top it off. Keach had strong weeks from Keenan Allen who fucked me all year last year, as well as David Johnson and Emmanuel Sanders, but not too much to show from anyone else including a dud from his kicker.

Govey vs Hammy - Hammy of course took his boy Dak and boy did it pay off as he scored 41.4 week one. Relatively modest weeks from everyone else except Harry Butker who scored 17, Steven racked up 119.6. Govey’s team struggled to get much going with the only notable performances coming from Kamara with 20.4 and Tyrell Williams with 19.5. Look for Govey to make some moves to shake things up!

**Tucker vs Pickett **- Pretty close matchup here with each team having some really down weeks from their QB’s. Cam Newton absolutely is a shell of himself and only scored 5.4 points. Jared Goff struggled across the field from him only gaining 11.4. It was performances from Dalvin Cook and Evan Engram that gave Tuck the win over Pickett here, as Pick’s team struggled to get anything going from anyone but Delanie Walker and Austin Ekeler and Amari Cooper.

Macero vs Easley - Ees, Eeees, I don’t want to butcher your name man is it, Eas-i-lee? Fucking Scal! Anyway this was a low scoring match between one perennial contender and a guy who loves trying to sabotage this league with bad roster moves. Easley’s team got 22.6 from Matty Ice and 15.5 from Damien Williams but not too much from the rest of his NFC dominant team. Macero started Melvin Gordon who doesn’t plan to play till November. I can’t sit here and say it ultimately lost him the game given that although he only lost by 4.5 points, three out of the six options on his bench scored less than that. BUT he did have Sammy Watkins on his bench who scored 42.5 points, but that is what you get when you start players who are not playing.

Thought 1: Fuck I forgot how much work this is.

Thought 2: Really hope this tumblr shit saves and works.

Thought 3: Had a dream last night I was training Carson Wentz in some footwork drills, except he looked like John Mulholland. I love this shit so much I do it in my sleep.

Week 2 - gonna be a bit shorter

Hurley vs Guru - Again, I sat Jackson at QB and it bit me in the ass. Note to self: Start Lamar Jackson. Branch got a modest win with 83.5 points with solid weeks from his Vagina stars Barkley, Brown and Jacobs. My team needs help but I am not panicking yet.

Branch is 1-0, I am 0′for.

**Keach vs KT - **This one wasn’t very close. Mahomes scored 39.6, Tyler Boyd with 17.2, Derrick Henry with another strong week, KT cruised past Keach who rolled with the Baker Mayfield which net him 17. Honorable mentions: Sanders and Chubb totaling 40 points. Keach falls to 0-2, KT is undefeated.

Jmart vs Koz - Koz, love ya buddy and sorry I couldn’t make it to your bachelor party but I will let you know that if I wasn’t in front of my TV wearing my Gronk jersey the Pats D may not have scored 40, which helped you get another $25 weekly points prize. You’re welcome. This was a slaughtering and Mark Andrews once again showed out with 21.2. Jmart had a decent week with 28.7 from the GOAT but just barely broke the 100 point mark. Koz is 2-0, Jmart 1-1.

Tuck vs Macero - Actually a pretty tight game here. Cam Newton once again sucked, and the 26.6 from Dalvin Cook couldn’t help Tuck’s team past Macero, despite Macero losing Brees early on. A strong showing from Odell on Monday night pushed Macero past Tucker here pushing both teams to 1-1.

Govey vs Pickett - Another blowout as Govey is learning why the ‘stache may not have been such a hot pick after all. 18.4 from Rodgers, 13.1 from Tyrell Williams and 13 from the Houston D and Govey barely broke 90 points. Pickett’s team notched 125.4 behing Julio Jones and Austin Ekeler. Pickett is 1-1, Govey is 0-2.