itsthestargazer

[itsthestargazer]

I don’t know if anyone can relate to me but im in this phase of my life right now where I’m getting emotionally exhausted especially when it comes to my career.

When I was young, I thought I’d have my life sorted out at the age of mid 20’s but looking at my current state, it’s way way far from being sorted out. I’m so tired working my ass of for 5 years; so tired being a slave for money. I tried being optimistic, having faith with His plans but I don’t know where to find my old motivated self anymore. I am so lost.

Often times I wonder what really my purpose is, living in this world. I wanna find my purpose. I want to know where I’m really good at. I just want to be rich, Lord. please make me rich.

[itsthestargazer]

he chose to pick rocks while having a diamond

ever felt insecure to that girl she replaced you?

that girl he told you not to worry about?

that girl he admires.

many times i wonder "what the fuck do i lack?"

but behind this unspoken thought, i have a principle that pulls out my doubts and insecurities about myself.

"I know what i can offer in the table"

every time i think about this quote, it will overcome the fear of being replaced real quick.

if he chose the other girl over you? let him.

you can't let a trash treat you like a trash just because you're not a trash.

i know he's having a fun time right now while you suffer from a heart break, but let me remind you: "you know what you can offer in the table"

time will come, he'll remember every touch, every sense, every little things, every YOU.

and you.. you won’t ever come back.

because he chose to pick rocks while having a diamond.

[itsthestargazer]

OMG I KEPT THESE THOUSANDS OF PHOTOS FOR 7 YRS!!!!!!! I FEEL SO FUCKING RELIEVED

[itsthestargazer]

hello there. I just want to write here on my tablet and try if this really works.

I'm not using my keyboard so far. nagsusulat lang ako hehe :) wala lang para lang hindi na ako kumuha ng paper every time na gusto ko magsulat. oh diba! So Far hindi pa din ako gumagamit ng keyboard. Wala lang mayabang lang ako HAHAHA ang galing kasi kahit hindi english yung sabi him to nad idetect niya and may auto space feature na rin siya. Hindi ko na kailangan maglagay ng space.

Thank you Lord for this. I know it's not that grand but I'm grateful to be able to buy myself this thing. I Love you ♡♡♡ UY!! ANG CUTE NG HEART AKALA KO EMOJI YUNG IPAPAKITA HAHAHA!

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

april 19, 2024 7:40 AM

[itsthestargazer]

HINDI AKO MAG SUSUNOD-SUNURAN SAYO TANDAAN MO YAN

[itsthestargazer]

Hi, it’s me again.

Me and my partner aren't doing well right now. Tomorrow’s our anniversary but it seems like I’m about to be left because of my personality.

Tumblr, I know this is not a reason but you know how much I suffered from my previous long term relationship, and I tried so hard rebuilding and healing myself before I entered a new love story. Why does it feel like it’s still on me? Like I’m the problem?

Idk. I feel down today. I’ll just respect his decision if ever he leaves me. I’ll just accept the fact that I’m toxic and a mess individual existing. Maybe he doesn’t deserve a woman like me. Maybe we weren’t really meant to be.

[itsthestargazer]

A long time ago, I was so fond of life. I remember when I was a kid — every time I was allowed to play outside, every time I bought my one peso snack, every time my parents bought me toys, every little thing that felt big to me, made me smile from ear to ear. Life was so simple, meaningful, and colorful back then.

Until I reached my age where everything makes sense. When you realize that the world is colorful and colorless at the same time. That life isn’t really fair – it is full of success and failures. That our parents are just exposing us in the beauty of life and protecting us from the cruelty of the world.

For 25 years, I met a LOT of people and learned a lot from hearing, observing and knowing more of their stories, perspectives and personalities. I also never thought I’d think this way my age – open minded, empathetic, matured and logical. Of course, I also encountered people who I didn’t get along with; misunderstood by people who only knew my name. I’ve been bullied, cheated on several times, carried baggages as an eldest sister, been through psychological disorders. I fought and lost a lot of times.

I used to rant a lot whenever I felt like I’m at the edge of my life because of people who did me wrong. I always complain, rant, complain, rant — about a toxic relationship, about someone’s attitude, about people who kept treating me like shit, etc. But you know what I wish I did? I wish I should've acted more to solve my problem.

I realize how I wasted my time pleasing other people just to treat me right, just to show I’m worthy and that I deserve to be loved. No wait. It’s not a waste of time actually. Those shits made me who I am today. I built myself for years fighting emotionally, physically and mentally. To be honest, I can still hear how I awfully cried by myself facing those battles.

I lowkey miss my old self though. I miss my sweet, innocent era. I miss when everything felt right. But then, I realize that these traits will only get you taken advantage. You have to learn how to be courageous, how to stand up for yourself, how to fully love and accept who you are, how to see the signs and when to stop. It will be a long journey to master it but I swear to God, every lesson is worth it.

Sometimes I look at my scars engraved through me and gracefully tell myself that I’m glad for my failures and successes. I used to regret my mistakes from the past, but now I accept it because it made me stronger. I love myself and I am proud of the woman I am today.

[itsthestargazer]

Hi tumblr, it’s been almost a year since the last time I posted something for you.

Just to give you a brief highlight with what’s going on with my life now, I’m already taken! Yayyy. Who knew I’d be able to move on with my shitty past life?

We’ve been seeing each other as friends 2 years ago and started dating since December. So we’ve been together for almost 8 months.

It was really unpredictable and unexpected. I can’t tell you everything cause it’s a long story but to make it short, our anniversary was customized. We decided to choose the date we first had a date which was on January 11 2023, but the official was on May 21 2023. Funny right?

Okay magtatagalog nako.

Grabe tumblr. Ang daming adjustments sa relationship na to. hindi ko naman sinasabing magkaugali kami talaga pero alam mo yun? may similarity kami when it comes with personal issues. avoidant din sha, silent treatment din toxic trait nya, attitude at shempre gemini kami pareho kaya medyo nahirapan talaga. pero tumblr, mahal ko sha sobra 😭 feeling ko nga minsan nakakalimutan ko nanaman halaga ko. hindi ako gusto ng parents nya para sakanya kaya nahihirapan ako. pangarap ko din kasi na maging close sa family ng partner ko since yung mga ex ko broken family sila. hindi ko na experience na maging anak din sa side ng partner ko. and as a family oriented, nalulungkot ako. ☹️

idk. i feel like shit rn. i feel like there’s something wrong with me to be disliked even if i’m just being myself. i love Erwin so much at kahit anong hindrances, kahit masaktan ako ulit, hanggat kaya kong itolerate, hanggat kaya kong indain, hanggat kaya kong iwork out tong relationship na to, hindi ako susuko.

[itsthestargazer]

February 7, 2023

I’m financially free!! I already have my own business and investments, my own car and properties. I can now buy whatever I want especially my family wants without thinking about the prices ❤️

[itsthestargazer]

12/30 to 12/31

New Year's Eve

I saw my long term ex at the bar

Who I haven’t seen for months,

Who is soon to be a dad to his new lover.

He came near me to cheers.

And came near me to say good bye.

I never thought I needed it —

the clinking of our glasses (a thank you for all the memories)

and the good bye hand shake (a sign to face the new year without each other’s presence)

[itsthestargazer]

To my 5 year ex,

I know we haven’t contacted each other for a while. Our relationship was mad full of roller coaster events and emotions. It was toxic but full of lessons at the same time.

5 years of my life was filled with you. We faced struggles and success together. We shared 5 years of our lives through ups and downs, which I am forever grateful of.

You did me wrong countless of times and I know I’m not a perfect partner at all, but that’s not the point of this letter. I hope you know that the purpose of letting you go is that I needed us to grow and analyzing everything, I realized one thing:

I helped you build yourself for someone.

You’re gonna be a dad now with your new lover, and the mixed emotions I felt the moment I received the news, was unbearable. We were together for 5 years and you’re dating her for 2 months. I hope you understand.

You never apologized for the traumas you left me and I never thought that hearing this song will make me realize how much I needed it.

I’m sorry for breaking you when I left, for invalidating your feelings and disregarding your efforts. I’m sorry if I chose to be stone hearted when you were making things up for us to give it another try. I needed to choose myself because I went all empty filling all the gaps and holes in you. Getting used with each other’s presence for 5 years, I’m aware it was not only hard for me, I know it was also hard for you.

You are my greatest love despite everything that went wrong. I know you’ll be a great dad to your future children. Thank you so much for all the wonderful memories. This is finally the phase of acceptance, letting my hopes down, stepping forward and letting you go.

You don’t need to reach me out if you ever see this. I don’t want to cause any trouble. But if it happens that you have anything important to say, you can reach out to a trusted friend of us or to my mom.

I wish you nothing but the best and I am very, very happy for you. Good luck on your journey.

[itsthestargazer]

one of the hardest days of my life that i needed to write on my journal to ease some pain

[itsthestargazer]

pero totoo naman diba

most of us, at the age of 20s, we feel like it’s a must to achieve something like having a stable job, have a business, be financially stable etc.

pero ang totoo bata pa tayo bro. it’s okay if you don’t have a job, if you’re broke, if you date and flirt, if you’re experiencing roller coaster rides. it is the TRUE PHASE of life — the STAGES of life and that’s fucking NORMAL.

sneak out, surpass what you’re afraid to do, chill out with friends, have fun and enjoyin mo lang 20s mo.

pag tanda mo, darating yung araw maaalala mo lahat and trust me, wala kang pang hihinayangan dahil at the end of the day, alam mong nag saya ka at wala kang sinayang na oras.

[itsthestargazer]

i see, you’re showing her off like you never broke me.

i see, you’re happy with her like you never left me any trauma.

i see, you’re loving her now like you never drained the fuck out of me.

nevertheless, i still hope.

i still hope you’d remember me whenever you see my favorite snacks.

i still hope you’d still remember me whenever you smell a similar scent of my perfume.

i still hope you’d still remember me whenever you go to our favorite places.

cause in that way, somehow, i feel like i still own a piece in your heart; a part in your life.

cause in that way, somehow, i know that i am one of the reasons you’re that kind of man today

even if i built you for somebody else

10/10/22 2:03AM

[itsthestargazer]

today, tinanggal nako ni ziv sa featured photos nya

[itsthestargazer]

hi tumblr,

this is me, typing again these words because i’m too lazy to get my diary and write.

it’s been getting tough lately …

i let go of the man who i opened up my soul with and i’m currently dealing with this hatred i’m feeling cause it’s been confirmed that my long term ex (5 years) is dating someone else.

i lost them both in short… for good

for the guy i opened up my soul into, i just want you to know that i already accepted the fact that things will never be in ways we want. it’s very complicated. i accept and understand our fate and i forgive you. regardless, i’m still very thankful for the memories i made with you. thank you for being caring, for being a listener, for sharing your ideas with me when i’m getting out of it. our journey was fun, i felt loved, it was enchanted. you still enter my mind out of the blue by the way. just know that i want you to be happy, free, and i always wish you the best… i wish you both the best.

and for my ex who left me with so much trauma, it’s been almost 2 years and i’m not sure why do i feel this way. maybe because i still have feelings for you, maybe because i still care for you, or maybe because i can’t accept the fact that you’re happy while i’m still dwelling with the traumas you brought to my life. i don’t even know when will i be able to forgive myself for letting you broke me. it was indeed a roller coaster ride being with you. i left you so i could be free from the hell you put me into but why do i still feel trapped in this shithole? you traumatized me to the point that i’m afraid to accept people who want to enter my life and treat me the right way. you are the reason why i doubt sincere and genuine people. you are the cause of my massive trust issues. i don’t even know how to distinguish who’s real and not anymore. i blame it all to you because you made me like this — you made me hopeless … hopeless in so many aspects. i just can’t keep up with the thought that you’re happy with someone else while i’m still dealing with this miserable shit you put me into, you narcissist fuck.

but i still thank all your bullshits. because i learned to love myself more. i found my worth, i knew my value and it made me strong and independent.

at the moment, it may be difficult for me to forgive myself from letting you break me but one thing’s certain: i will never be in the same situation again.

and tumblr, just so you know, i won’t let anyone manipulate me and treat me like a fucking toy ever again. i’m done dealing with the same shit i’ve been for 5 fucking years.

i don’t know how, i don’t know when, but i know time will come…

time will come for me.

7/17/22 10:46 AM

[itsthestargazer]

How do you go from making one your home

And then just letting it all go?

7/8/22