itwasshrinkage

[itwasshrinkage]

greed shame guilt

How do I start,

How do I not use my own perspective,

How can I understand how I make someone like you feel

How can I apologize for something that I could not fully understand

I guess it began when I first wanted you. it was a want. It wasnt mature. It was selfish. It was greed

I never was able to evolve past that when we were together. I took the ideas and concepts that was given to me from the media of how I should treat you.

It was tender, it was a crush, it was puppy love. I wish we could treat each other like that again, without the burden of my ugly nature.

I was never able to treat you correctly or with the respect that I would want you to be treated with.

After the years apart, I could only hope that was what was being done to you. Hopefully someone could make you happy. Hopefully someone could provide the respect that another deserves.

After all the time of calling you my other half, how could I treat you so badly. Now I can take those words and finally understand a bit more. I may be selfish and greedy, so how could I treat my own other half the way I would never want to be treated?

It doesnt make that much sense when I think of it.

At one time I thought I could provide and give the treatment that you would deserve, but even after years of life experience I can see I still havent garnered the qualities it would take to supplement another.

I lacked anything that would be able to provide for others. I take. I dont have anything to give.

As soon as Ive gotten mine, I turn my back and find the satiated feeling to find sleep. All the while you sat there and wondered when you would be given your respect.

I think at that age it just came down to the overwhelming feelings of lust and crush. It wasnt love because I wasnt able to make a two way relationship. It was only me and my own wants.

Im sorry for not realizing earlier, Im sorry for not realizing your perspective on the moments that I was not ready to give myself over to you.

I was controlling and only had my own interests in mind.

I didnt know how to make myself happy so why did I lie to you and myself thinking I could also make you happy. Im still unhappy with myself, where Im at in life, and the way I treat others.

Im sorry.

I reached out to you first and that should tell you exactly how much you mean to me. It should tell you exactly how much you mean to me when you were suppose to be the last person I should reach out to under the circumstances. Both my parents and friends asked why you were involved at any point recently. I lied. I didnt know what else to do or say.

BUt you were the only person I would truly wish would still be there for me even after how badly I treated you.

And its not because I knew you would be there but because I had hoped you would because of the moments that we spent together and how much they meant to us and how they developed us.

Im sorry I again damaged you, I damaged us, with the emotions I brought from elsewhere.

I needed someone to be there for me and support me. You are strong, stable, and successful and yet I still bring my toxic traits to you first.

Im sorry

I need to apologize as well for the orignal act of cheating on you as well. I was greedy. I was gross with want. I was upset with myself and the things I wanted. Im still disgusted with myself.

I wish I could do anything possible to heal you. But here I am apologizing to others and making you feel again left behind. Almost like Im willing to do so much for others but not for you. At times you must feel that I care for so many others and not you. I can see that by the many actions I continue to put upon you.

I wish I could be better for myself but most of all I wish I could be better for you.

Youve made so much progress and I fear that I again just take from you and destroy the steps youve taken to a healthy lifestyle and healthy state of mind because those are the things I myself want.

Theres too many instances that I can no longer remember that Im ashamed of how I treated you. Theres too many instances that Ive hidden from myself because of how they make me disgusted with myself. Theres too many instances to apologize for to even think that they would mean much to you.

Im afraid of losing you forever. I seem to act so despereate and promise anything, when deep down I know ill never be able to uphold the things I say to you.

I seem to think of myself as a good person, when thats not the case at all. I sit here thinking of why such awful things and feelings I have brought upon myself should happen to such a nice person. But I know deep down that Im not that. Im not good. I have nothing to give to others. I have nothing that others would want.

Maybe thats also whats bringing me down so badly. I not only lie to you, the person that means the most to me but also myself. Which continues to lead me even further down this path of misery.

I deserve it and ill try my best to ride the waves that I brought upon myself. Im sorry I brought you along now for part of my experience.

Im sorry that I continue to disrepect you. Im sorry I continue to treat you so badly.

Maybe at some time or another Ill be able to do something for you and allow you to experience the respect and feelings you deserve.

I know I still want our relationship to be there for both of us. I just want to have something for you to benefit from.

I need to change. I need to be better for you. I need to finally allow you to be treated with true respect. I need to feel the actions that were dealt upon me to finally understand the many ways Ive hurt you.

I need to stop thinking of myself and start giving more to you than to my ego.

I need to stop feeling bad for myself and think of the ways Ive made you feel instead.

I hope it doesnt take as long as I would expect it to for such an awful person I am.

Im sorry.

[itwasshrinkage]

Like there I was fucking crying and doing my best to get the duck away from your fake ass hugs Crying that you were no longer real with me and that you couldn't be transparent like you were before But then you turn around and post about how when people grow apart from you you begin to notice they're frontin? Like you not even on you're own page let alone everyone elses

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Funny people will be so content and absolute with what they believe to be happening around them. Like we just had to call you out for not being real or straight up and here you are quoting "just don't front on me tho" LIKE THATS EHAT YOURE FUCKING DOING We don't see the same And that's sad

[itwasshrinkage]

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I do hate myself but it has nothing to do with me being Jewish

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Stay weary of the Truth. It makes life a little uncomfortable and we wouldn't want that for you.

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"Success"

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Iceberg type of shit

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Facade facade. Facade facade.

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Sees you pull some bullshit again Private private private lol

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Saw zoopty's ex at the gym today. Just reminded me again how I look nothing like zoopty.

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Counted about ten reasons I deserved an apology or empathetic offering. I showed my faults and accredited my blame for how that convo went. Idk not one to be wowuh I deserve this or this should have been handed to me but just want to remember how this made me feel.

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Observing someone's id has the power of imprinting. That shit will stay with you for life.

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A series that starts with So like

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Like it felt so shitty just to do that yesterday. Like you expect change and it just hasn't happened.

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Like why you trying to tell me differently when these things are hidden for me and visible via other accounts?

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Like who this bitch ass that would literally go through all of that just to block me so I couldn't see him do that lame puppy dog shit

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I shoot my shot and it bricked ya I shoot my shot and it bricked ya Fell in love with photograph