ivan-stclair-blog

[ivan-stclair-blog]

Ivan felt the change in the atmosphere. From heartfelt confessions and apologies to passionate displays of emotion, he could feel it in the air. So he held her in his embrace tightly, his arms locked into her, hesitant to even think about letting go. As she held him back just as tightly, his eyes were shut and his breathing stopped, just for a moment as if he want to freeze in time. Then it was the continuation of those fiery kisses, and the invasion of his space by someone he loved unbelievably. His hands were everywhere- in her hair, running down her back, holding her face as he let her lips overtake his, more than happy to follow her lead. And when she spoke one single word that held the promise of so much, it was all he could do to control his muscles, to think things through enough to actually proceed with her request. In a swift move, he lifted her off of the floor, holding her up so she could wrap her legs around his waist. His kisses were already frantic as he was all but running to their room with her in tow, tugging on the hem of her shirt. The door was kicked open and he rushed inside, finding their bed in a collision as he let them tumble onto the sheets. Ever so eager, he pulled away for just a second as he lifted off his own shirt, already annoyed with the thin barriers between them. "God, I missed this," he said breathlessly in the split second it took for him to bend back down and crash his lips into hers again. 

Open Hands | Ivan and Gen

A smile graced Gen’s lips at his response, a deep type of joy engulfing her. She never knew the true power of love until she experienced this with him. Of course she had always been terrified of giving someone the ability to completely and utterly destroy you, but oh so slowly, she realized if anyone could have that ability—it should be him. She fit into his embrace perfectly, as if they were designed to be like puzzle pieces, their bodies aligned precisely. There was no safer place to her than in his arms. The kisses turned longer and deeper, a rush of familiar energy charging through her. All she felt the desire to do was to express the love she felt for him in the most intimate way possible, locked in his embrace. She could feel sparks tinging every inch they were touching, drawing herself in as close as she could. In accordance with his kisses, hers turned into a wonderful mixture of lust and love, her grip around his neck tightening. It was no surprise that the aftermath of such a passionate, emotional conversation was something even more so passionate and emotional, in a conversation without speaking that revealed so much more than words ever could. She pulled away ever so slightly, breathing in deeply for air, only to return as quickly as possible back to his lips, her tongue running across his bottom lip. Her fingers tugged at the collar of his shirt, the urge inside of her to be as close to him as humanly possible vividly apparent in her actions. She mumbled out one single word that was enough to explain to him what she wanted—what she needed, and what he needed, too, “Bedroom.” 

[ivan-stclair-blog]

Ivan looked into Gen's eyes, feeling completely vulnerable under her gaze. That vulnerability, that feeling in his gut, as much as he wanted to hate it, he was addicted to it. Her eyes were so intense, so filled with pure love, that they were as scary as they were reassuring. It was a nice -almost peaceful- kind of fear, though. Because he knew they would face a lot, and if their past had been any kind of hint, the obstacles they would face in the future would not be easy. But as long as it was them in the end, nothing else mattered. For him from here on out, it would always be Gen and Ivan against the world. It meant the world to him to hear her feelings mirrored his. "I love you, too," the words spilled out of his mouth before he even had to think about them. "I know I can be jealous, and possessive, and insecure," he was reluctant to admit, "But it's only because I know what a catch you are. To hear that I'm the only guy for you......" he sighed, dropping his gaze to the floor and shaking his head, "You don't know how much that means to me," he finished in a tone with the utmost honesty. "You could be with anyone. So thank you for making me the luckiest man alive." His grip was as tight around her as it could be as he made his confessions, holding onto her for dear life. When she leaned in, it was all he could do to meet her in the middle, locking his lips into hers in a passionate collision. Reaching his hands up, he held her gently face in his hands, lightly touching her cheeks as he continued their kisses. His turned into hard, firm, fiery kisses as if he couldn't help it, like he was deprived from this kind of raw emotion for so long. 

Open Hands | Ivan and Gen

Gen’s grip tightened around Ivan, as if she were latching on to him for the long run, and in essence—she was. Commitment may have been something she was adverse to for a while, but the switch flipped the second she met him, he was the one. There was no doubt in her mind that he was, which is why she fought so much for him. She nodded slowly in response, keeping her head rested against his shoulder, breathing him in as she felt his heart beat against her. “Thank you,” she murmured in appreciation, knowing how much it most likely bothered him to accept that an outsider’s opinion may help. Feeling the need to express her gratitude and love for him more, she pulled away slightly, still keeping her arms and legs around him, “I really do mean it—” she confirmed, staring into his eyes, captured by them. She knew she could stare into his eyes for hours upon hours and would never get bored. “You’re it for me, Ivan,” her hand reached up, stroking his cheek gently, “there’s not even a single sliver of doubt that you are. Because I love you,” she pressed their lips together, nice and slow, passionately expressing what words could not, “and that’s enough—that’s always going to be enough.” Her thumb reached down to barely brush his slightly swollen lips, before she took them with her own, holding onto him tightly, like her life depended on it. There were plenty of times in their relationship where words could only express so much—their love was manifested to it’s true definition with their actions. 

[ivan-stclair-blog]

Ivan could feel himself becoming more and more irritated as she refused to put down the issue, but at the same time he felt his resolve softening. This time, it wasn't as if she was trying to push him into feeling something he didn't want to feel, or confront something he wasn't able to see himself. She was pressing the issue because she truly did care about him and their future together, and the way she was steadily looking into his eyes conveyed that to him. As stubborn as he was, he was completely vulnerable to the feeling of her hands on his, gentle but reassuring, as she spoke in a tone that resonated with him. He nodded in response, thinking that the way they fought all the time was definitely problematic to say the least. He wrapped her tightly in his embrace, his arms settled at the base of her back as she rested her forehead on his shoulder. "When you put it that way...." he trailed off, his voice soft as he rested his chin against her head. Remembering just a few minutes ago, when they were at each other's throats for things left unspoken for too long, Ivan sighed. "I'm sick of it, too," he resigned. "Things have been," he paused, trying to find the right words, "tense between us. For as long as I can remember now. It shouldn't be like that, you're right." He pressed his lips to her temple, lightly placing a kiss where she might be tense. "You're right, you're right," he repeated, closing his eyes, "I'll do anything to fix this, even if that means talking to someone about us." For Ivan, Gen was it for him. He couldn't picture himself with anyone else, for the rest of his life. He was never going to leave her, and try his hardest to never let her go. If going to therapy meant less hardships for them, and less stress for the both of them, there was no point in him being resistant. 

Open Hands | Ivan and Gen

Gen could feel Ivan beginning to both physically and emotionally back away from her and she was stuck at the crossroads on what to do. She wanted to push him into understanding her perspective, but at the same time, she didn’t want to jump into another argument. In an attempt to seek a compromise between the two, she took a deep breath, keeping him close to her even if he didn’t necessarily want to be. She nodded slowly in understanding at his words, resisting the urge to roll her eyes at his lie about it not feeling like giving up. Of course she knew he’d feel the same stubbornness towards the idea of therapy now just based on the fact he was so stubborn about it with his post traumatic stress disorder. Running her hands down his arms affectionately, she grasped his hands, running her thumbs over his knuckles as she usually did. Pulling away just to look in his eyes, she began calmly, “And I get that… I mean, I feel the same way to some degree too. But at the same time, it just seems… problematic to me. The amount of times we fight and say things we don’t mean. It’s not healthy during those fights. And it’s both of our faults because both of us to that to each other,” with a sigh, she leaned back into him, resting her forehead on his shoulder. Quietly, she murmured, “I’m just sick of us hurting each other and all the yelling and it’s exhausting… I just want us to be happy… I want try and do everything and anything to help that happen.” 

[ivan-stclair-blog]

Ivan watched Gen mentally backtrack through the expressions on her face, reading her like a map. He couldn't tell her that the idea of talking to someone, together, about their relationship seemed so artificial to him. What was the therapist going to do, tell them who's right and who's wrong in every one of their conflicts? Was there a way to resolve things as a third party observer without taking a side? All of these questions about the process made Ivan skeptical, but it wasn't the skepticism that put him off the most. He was a private person, not one for sharing his feelings to anyone, even if he was paying for it. It took him almost forever to open up to Gen, the girl that he loved, so the idea of talking to a stranger about his personal life was very unappealing. Even if that stranger was considered a professional. Taking her added thoughts into consideration, he pulled away slightly. "Like I said, if you want to go, I'll go," he repeated, letting her know he was with her on that regard. "If it'll make you happy, then I'll go a thousand times, I'll go every day of the week," he exaggerated, "But that's the only reason I'd be going. I want to make you happy." He sighed, closing his eyes at the feeling of her lips on his neck. "I just don't feel like, personally, I would benefit from it at all. I don't think it's giving up," he lied, trying to simplify things, "I just think.....I don't know. What's a stranger going to tell us about our relationship that we don't already know? Who knows about it better than us?"

Open Hands | Ivan and Gen

The idea of therapy was spontaneous, and it surprised even Gen herself that she said it as soon as it crossed her minds. She concurred that it must be her lack of a filter still present in her mind. To her, it seemed like maybe not carefully choosing her would benefit her more in this relationship. She noted the way he seemingly froze as she mentioned the concept, mentally faceplaming. It was obviously a bad idea to bring it up right after they got out of a fight, but now that she had jumped into it, she might as well fair it out. After all, she wasn’t actually strongly opposed to it., and figured convincing Ivan to feel the same way would be worth the struggle. Like him, she kept her grip tight still, her face nuzzled into his chest as she continued to breathe in and out deeply. Her gaze was pointed upwards, staring at him so whenever he met her eyes, she was well aware of the lingering feelings behind them rather than taking his words for face value. With a soft sigh, she went back to cuddling close to him, not minding the fact that the cold, slippery counter top was anything but comfortable. Words mumbled from the fabric of his shirt, she started, “I don’t want you to go just because I want too - it’s a mutual decision.” Glancing up at him, she continued, “It’s relationship therapy, not individual therapy. And I really do think it might help… sort out any of our problems.” Pressing a kiss to the base of his neck, she added again, “But like I said, we’re not broken… it’s just the mature thing to do, I think. It’s not giving up to me, is it giving up to you?” 

[ivan-stclair-blog]

One feeling that Ivan would never get tired of was the feeling of Gen in his arms, the scent of her hair in his senses, and the beating of her heart against his chest. They might fight far too often, and they might say things they don’t mean just a little too much to be normal, but it was all worth it. Because at the end of the day, nothing beat this warmth that he could feel from his fingertips all the way down to his toes. There was an unspoken understanding that was shared between them whenever they were in each other’s embrace. It held the promise of a future, no matter what had happened, and no matter what could happen. It held the promise of unconditional support and just pure love that Ivan had never felt ever in his life. Sometimes it even overwhelmed him. She mentioned therapy, and he couldn’t help that his first reaction was immediate stubbornness. “Therapy?” he questioned her with a skeptical look to match. He froze,  not upset at the suggestion, but caught off guard. Going to therapy would mean admitting that there was something wrong in the first place. For Ivan, attending sessions would be equivalent to giving up, and having someone else sort through your problems for you. His first instinct was to refuse, and tell her that they didn’t need it. But he also didn’t want to step into another tense area of conflict with her, seeing as they had just gotten out of their previous one. He swallowed his pride and roughly began, “I’m not sure we need that.” But he kept hold of her waist in his grip as he continued, “But if you want to go, I’ll go.” He was inadvertently playing it off to seem like he would be doing it for her, like she was the only one who needed to talk to someone. In reality, however, it was quite obvious that Ivan needed someone to help him sort out his emotions as well. Looking her in the eyes, he added just for extra measure, “I mean, Dr. Hahnemann’s been great for me since the accident,” he referred to the mandatory therapy sessions his doctor prescribed for her post-traumatic stress disorder. 

Open Hands | Ivan and Gen

A deep sigh left Gen as she felt his arms go around her. The feeling of his arms around her waist felt almost as good as hearing him forgive her. It was like a huge weight off her chest, like she could breathe again. She had always been the type to value actions over words, knowing very well how easy it could be to fake sincerity. So for that reason, she was all the more comforted by the way he was gently rubbing her shoulders, holding him close to her. There wasn’t a place that fit the definition of home more than in his arms. She buried her head in the crook of his neck this time around, breathing slowly, matching her inhales and exhales with his. It was almost laughable how quickly the mood could change, from charged and furious, to tranquil and loving. That was what epitomized their love, after all. And Gen wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world when it came down to it. Getting past her stubbornness was quite the task, but she had come to terms that she needed to treat Ivan better when it came to balancing her work and her relationship. It was only a matter of consciously changing - and it’s not that she minded, either. To her, it almost seemed like a change for the better. Finally prioritizing something that work. When he broke the silence, her thoughts broke in turn, her attention going back to him. She nodded slowly at his words, carefully moving so she didn’t hurt her head against his chin. As he pulled back, a smile that matched his made it’s way onto her lips. She was in far too deep with him to even consider the prospect of leaving him. And to know he felt the same way about her was indescribably reassuring. She continued to smile against his lips, pressing hers lovingly against his, deeply, as if trying to convey how she felt the same way about him. Just for added measure, when they pulled away, slightly out of breath from not wanting to break, she said, “Right back ‘atcha,” before laughing softly. Her hands ran over his shoulders and his arms gently, “But I do think we should at least try to not fight as much as we do. Hurting each other, even if it’s unintentionally, just… shouldn’t happen,” she said, voicing her thoughts, “do you think… do you think we should maybe give therapy or something a try?” Quickly, she added, “I’m not saying our relationship is broken or anything, I just think… it might help.” 

[ivan-stclair-blog]

Ivan continued to lean into Gen's touch, as if it was magnetic and he needed it. In a way, he did. He needed to calm down, he needed to remember the feelings between them before time had made a mess of things, and the simple touch of her hand did that for him. More and more Ivan was feeling like both he and Gen just needed a reset button of sorts, something to clear the air, and to allow them to have a blank canvas once again. Even though it had been awhile, their relationship was still relatively new, and they sure had done a good job of complicating it so quickly. He looked at her lips with hooded eyes as she told him she loved who he was, feeling an awful lot like he was splitting apart at the seams. The kind of love she was talking about had always seemed so fictional to him- loving someone despite having the knowledge of all of their flaws. But he knew it wasn't fictional now, because it was exactly how he loved Gen. She reassured him one more time that he would never lose her, and he couldn't understand why he hadn't believed that before. The never ending conflict between them had a way of blinding him to what was obvious. "I forgive you," he repeated her in a solid, unwavering voice. "I'll always forgive you," he left it at that, unable to speak anymore without giving away how vulnerable and emotional he was feeling. Finally, when it just felt wrong to not have them wrapped around her, he took his arms and placed them around her waist. His grip was tight, and hopefully as reassuring to her as her words had been to him. He held her to his chest as she brushed their lips together, and he only pulled away slightly so he could press his lips to her forehead. "I love you, too," he murmured against her skin, beginning to rub soothing lines across her shoulders. Ivan allowed the silence to fill the air for a little while, just enjoying the warm feeling of her in his arms. "You know this probably isn't going to be our last fight," he broke the silence, resting his chin on top of her head. "But I wouldn't have it any other way. As long as it's you and me at the end of the day, I won't need anything else." He pulled back and gave her a small, but whole-hearted grin before leaning back in to feel her lips on his once more, to convey just how completely head-over-heels he was in love with her. 

Open Hands | Ivan and Gen

The patient demeanor she had walked into the apartment with slowly returned. She watched him quietly, her heart breaking silently as he leaned onto her. Immediately, her grip tightened, holding him close as she rested her head against his. When he pulled away, she continued to watch him, listening with the utmost intent. None of their problems were solved when they resorted to screaming and undermining. Gen hoped this aftermath they were making their way into would help solve at least some of the issues. Her mouth opened slightly, her eyes growing sadder as he spoke about how he couldn’t lose her. Softly, her hand gently brushed down his cheek once again. With the utmost sincerity and seriousness, she began her soft response with a simple, “I forgive you,” she smiled slightly, encouragingly, “I know who you are, Ivan. And I love you for who you are. I forgive you for the times you’ve hurt me… but, I’m not going to forgive you if you’re apologizing for who you are. Because, like I just said, I love you because of that.” Leaning forward, she rested her forehead against his, pulling him close to her. “And you’re never going to lose me, okay? Not to anyone or anything. I’m yours and…” Now began her own apologies. While she couldn’t apologize for her last words, there sure as hell were a lot of things Gen knew she should apologize for. “And I’m sorry I was so awful in showing that to you recently, I’m sorry,” she cleared her throat, trying to make it less obvious how emotional she was getting, but failing in the process, “I’m sorry for the amount of times I’ve hurt you. I’m sorry for the amount of times that you felt like walking out of the door because of me, and I’m just…. I’m so sorry. For everything.” By the time she finished, her eyes were glassy, hints of tears lingering. Brushing her lips against his, she finished ever so quietly, “I love you, and I’ll always love you. Just… don’t forget that.” Her hands squeezed his shoulders, her body so close to his she could feel his heat radiating off and the heartbeat close to her chest, and the sounds of his breathing. Under her breath she continued to murmur, “I love you so much…” 

[ivan-stclair-blog]

Ivan was still in an almost trance-like state as Gen approached him, his thoughts running rampant with memories of previous mistakes he had made. As quickly as the intensity and anger in the atmosphere had come, it went away. The tension was still there, but the anger was dissipating. What replaced it was what felt like a dark cloud looming over top of them, filled with unsaid words and unexpressed feelings that were meant to hang over their heads. He was grateful when she finally broke the silence, because it felt impossible to bring himself to. It was an odd thing to experience the gentility and tenderness of her lips against his hand when just a few moments ago all he had gotten from her were icy words and harsh eyes. But it calmed her down, just as her touch always did. He didn’t know when or where Gen had gotten this magic ability to relieve all of his worries with a simple brush of her lips. He looked in her eyes because she willed him to, otherwise he would have been unable. Trying his best to understand that she couldn’t apologize, he remained still, like a statue, still unable to accurately express any emotion that he was feeling. It was only when she started pleading that their relationship needed to work out that his resolve began to falter. It was the feeling of her hand on his cheek as she told him she loved him that finally made him crumble. With a sigh, he leaned forward and rested his head on her shoulder, burying his face into the crook of her neck. It was just so exhausting. He always vowed to be the one supporting her in their relationship, but more often than not, it was the other way around. He hated this need to always be reassured. “It’s not that I don’t trust you,” he finally said. “And it’s not that I don’t want us to be happy. Believe me, I need that, too.” He got back up and straightened his shoulders, forcing himself to look her in the eye as he spoke to her. “I don’t know how to explain it,” he admitted, honestly. He would do his best to try, though. “I know that I’m a coward, and I know that I’m unfair. I just can’t help it. I can’t lose you, I really can’t lose you, and when it feels like I am, I go insane.” He shook his head, dropping his gaze to the floor. “I know you didn’t kiss him. I’m sorry for trying to accuse you of that. And I’m sorry for not hearing you out and trying to understand better earlier. I just…….,” he spoke fast, almost rambling before pausing to try to collect his thoughts. “I’m sorry.” He met her eyes once more. She couldn't apologize, but he sure could. There were so many incidents that were lost between them, Ivan didn't know how to make it all up to her at once. 

Open Hands | Ivan and Gen

Hurt disguised as anger beyond control seemed to radiate off of Gen. It was exhausting how much she loved him and how that led to the over amplification of every emotion. While it was relieving to have their good moments feel surreal, it was draining to have their bad moments feel like a war zone. Like most of their arguments, it started off more or less civilly, and developed into something completely the opposite. When they were like this, it became less of an argument and more of an opportunity to figure out where the other’s boundaries lay. For once, however, Gen didn’t feel like she was quite doing that. What she had said was harsh and brutal, and could’ve been stated in a less cutting manner, but it was nonetheless true. For that reason, as silence fell over them and she watched his face fall his anger disappear in a matter of seconds, she couldn’t bring herself to apologize. She just couldn’t. It wasn’t like she meant to hurt him by dragging back memories both of them would much rather forget. But in her mind, it was completely justified. Finally, she broke the silence, her voice much quieter and delicate than before as she spoke his name, “Ivan…” it wasn’t out of pity, not even close. Slowly, she walked over to where he stood on the other side of the counter, willing him to look into her eyes as she took one of his hands in hers and pressed her lips against his knuckles. Not letting go, she continued, “I can’t apologize for what I just said because…it is how I feel. But I can apologize for making you feel this way and hiding how I felt for so long.” Pushing herself onto the counter, she let go of his hands, only to rest her wrists on his shoulders, her fingers playing with the hairs on the back of his neck. “If there’s one thing that I’m one hundred percent certain I want it’s for us to be happy,” she said genuinely, her eyes searching his, “and in order for us to be happy… we have to fully forgive each other for our mistakes…and understand that we can’t forget them either,” she nodded slowly, one hand moving to brush his cheek gently, “I love you—so, so much. And I want this to work out so badly, and I know you do too. We need to figure out how to trust and listen to each other more, and hurt each other less,” she finished with a small smile in hope that her trying to reconcile with him succeeded. 

[ivan-stclair-blog]

His fists were clenched as she continued to yell at him as the urge to punch a wall became overwhelming. He couldn’t even tell if he was mad at Gen anymore, or just at the situation there were in and had been in so many times. “So I should just be grateful that you even give a shit at all? Is that what you’re saying?” he responded with a statement as angry as his last. For a moment, he wondered the same thing. Why was he even bothering to fight with her? The same argument would come up some time in the future, inevitably. As happy as the good times were, they seemed so far out of reach when he was arguing like this with her, both of their voices louder than ever necessary. He wondered if there was such a thing as loving someone too much, or too hard- so much that it drove you insane. “I’m not sure why you don’t understand that I hate the fucking way you speak like that. Stop trying to get technical! You make me feel like I’m being held against some contract I unwillingly signed when I got into this with you,” he expressed his feelings without a filter, although he would soon regret that. There came a certain point in the argument when Ivan was done trying to get his feelings out, and all statements that came out of his mouth were carelessly construed just to get a reaction out of Gen- just to do the most amount of damage to her as a statement possibly could. He hated that part of himself, and how often it came out when he was fighting with her. Her sudden profanity and blatant disgust with him surprised him almost as much as the beginning of this argument did. He expected her to be angry, but not like that. And when she continued, he could tell he had brought her to the same point that she had brought him- the point where everything she said was meant purely to hurt him. The carpet was really pulled out from under him when she brought up the past, all of his failures, everything he regretted, and threw it into his face. He wasn’t sure if she knew, but everything she had just reminded him of was everything he was trying so hard to forget. The way her body seemed to crumble right in front of him when he insulted her depression that night, it was an image that would forever be engrained in his mind. The way she involuntarily flinched away from him as he tried to hold her that one night after the big incident, it would haunt him forever. To know that she remembered it just as well as he did hurt. His face fell in time with his resolve, and his fists were no longer clenched at the edge of the counter. He couldn’t even look her in the eyes anymore, let alone find it in him to rudely reply. After a while, he opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out. The silence was unnerving, but he couldn’t do anything to end it. He was too ashamed, filled with bad memories. 

Open Hands | Ivan and Gen

Though there was a large part of Gen that was offended and angry, there was an even larger part of her that was simply just hurt by what he was saying and what he had said. The whole relationship had been a series of ups and downs. She went into the argument wanting to clear the air about everything, as she had come to the realization that the reason why they fought so much and so intensely every time was because of previous problems that had never really been addressed. Despite the nagging instinct to run away, Gen knew she had to get one thing out of the conversation if it were anything: closure. “It’s complete and utter bullshit that you think I’m not serious because why the fuck else would I be trying so hard to keep this going? Why am I even bothering fighting with you?” She argued, all constraints on keeping her voice level and calm in the dust. “Maybe I fucking don’t have a clue, Ivan! And I’m sorry that I haven’t had enough experience to know what a supposedly normal, healthy relationship is in your terms. But I do know that there are certain things I want out of a relationship and maybe rules isn’t the way to describe it but I don’t want this to be some frivolous relationship. You need to respect my boundaries and terms and I’ll do the same for you, I’m not sure why that’s just so hard for you to understand!” His next words surprised her - like it was a curveball out of nowhere. She was rendered speechless as he spoke, attempting to open her mouth to retort weakly only to be shut down by him. Silently, she stared at him, the anger in her multiplying ten fold. It wouldn’t go down well but this was how it had to be - how she could receive the closure she wanted. Even if it was through shouts and obscenities. “You know what? Fuck you, Ivan. Fuck. You,” she finally got out, her words sharp, like knives dipped into venom, aimed to digging into his skin. “That’s just rich,” she said sarcastically, “you’re going to blame me for him kissing me, hm? Not the fact that he’s some pompous douche who was drunk as hell? Oh sorry, would you rather I be a complete bitch to my partner, my only chance at getting a job at this firm out of law school? You say you wouldn’t dream of getting in the way of my ambition, but yet here you are.” Seething with anger, she threw her hands up in the air, “And if you’re going to fucking pull that card, I’ll tell you something. You know what really sucked for me? When you fucking insulted the serious depression I went through in high school, and had the nerve to call me stupid for not wanting to live anymore. When you never addressed the fact that you hurt me after you got shot after that one night. There’s so many fucking times that you’ve been the epitome of a coward and you hurt me so much and if you’re going to hold the amount of times I did the same to you against me, then I’m going to do the same to you. That’s not fucking fair, Ivan. We’ve both made mistakes and we’ve been avoiding our mistakes for far too long.” 

[ivan-stclair-blog]

Even though he was intoxicated and angry, there was some truth to what Ivan had said before: he hated who he was because of Gen. He hated how much she affected him, and how much a simple acknowledgement of his existence made his whole day. He hated how one person could have such an influence on him; how the power to make him overwhelmingly happy (and contrastingly terribly upset) laid solely in Gen's hands. And what's more, he hated how fighting with her always made him incoherent and frazzled, unable to accurately verbalize what he was feeling inside. It always resulted in him expressing his feelings too harshly, and an argument ensuing as a result. He could tell she was angry now, too, and he could have chuckled at the irony. Just a few minutes earlier he was ready to bury the hatchet. "You're not serious about this, Gen! That's a joke," he angrily responded, his voice raised now, and showing no signs of falling back down. "Either it's a joke, or you've got no fucking clue what being serious means. I'd bet money on that one." As she started talking about ground rules, he threw his hands up, as if to say his point was just made for him. "Or maybe you just have no clue how to be in a fucking relationship!" he continued, "Who the hell ever set 'ground rules' for how to be in a healthy relationship?" he didn't mean to openly mock everything she was trying to convince him, but he was past a point of no return, "If you have to set them at all, obviously it was never that healthy to begin with. This is what I'm always trying to tell you, Gen. I'm your boyfriend, I'm not one of your clients. You can't treat me like I'm a case that can be figured out if we follow some goddamn 'rules'. It's so annoying how everything has to be so structured with you." It was true, often he felt as though when Gen didn't know how to handle a situation, she reverted to logical thinking and loopholes, just as she was taught to. But he hated the robotic tone of her lawyer voice, or at least he had come to with every time she had used it on him. "Do you think I would be so uncertain and annoying about other guys all the time if I didn't have a reason to be?" he was surprised at himself, and the fact that he dared to bring this up. "Don't think I forgot that you cheated on me with your ex. You managed to have me believing that it would never happen again, but then I saw you kissing Spencer." He put up a hand, knowing that she would argue that he kissed her, and not the other way around. "Don't fucking fight me on this. He wouldn't have kissed you if you hadn't given him some kind of hint that you wanted him to." Suddenly one argument was turning into another one completely. This is how it was with them- no conflict at all or all at once.

Open Hands | Ivan and Gen

While Gen had hoped that Ivan wouldn’t react badly to her confession, she knew in the end he would. Like so many times, that quality about him never failed to stir annoyance up in her. By nature, she often got frustrated when people couldn’t understand her logic that she stood by. Her gut always told her what was right and what was wrong, what was bad and what was good - it never let her down. Which was why she was so incredibly stubborn. Unfortunately for her, Ivan was the same way, and she knew he wouldn’t back down without a fight. Her eyes slowly narrowed at him, eyebrows scrunching together slightly in agitation, as his words became more and more angry. Her fingers were still laced together as she leaned onto the counter, her chin resting on her hands. In her mind, Gen was trying her best to convince herself not to get angry in return. After all, that was always how their arguments went. Thankfully, at least some of her convincing succeeded, her anger not coming out as horribly as it could of. With a sigh, she started, “You know for once Ivan, I wish you could actually listen to every word I say rather than selectively picking things out of context.” Her voice was softer than his, but nonetheless, still fueled by anger. “You obviously don’t know me very well if you think what I’m doing here is a sign of my lack of seriousness about this relationship. If I wasn’t serious, the first time we broke up, I would’ve been out of your life forever. If I wasn’t serious we wouldn’t even be having this conversation right now, because I want to work things out. I’m not fucking threatening anything!” Realizing her voice was rising dangerously quickly, her voice lowered subsequently, “I’m just saying that as much as I love you, there are ground rules that I have and there are ground rules that you have and if we’re constantly disrespecting each other’s rules, how the hell are we supposed to have a healthy relationship?” With a deep sigh, she ran her hands through her hair, the underlying hurt she was feeling mingling with her outward anger. With her eyes peering into his, she continued, her voice slowly rising again, “Of course I understand that, and I’m saying I want to fix that. I want this to work, Ivan, I really do. But the way you’re acting is making me think you want otherwise. Why the fuck would I want to end my relationship with you? But you always act so defensive when I bring up how I feel about us. You twist my words in your head and you make me seem like I’m some… horrible human being who goes around ‘cheating' on you and giving you impossible 'conditions'. And I am just so sick and tired of you not trusting and respecting me! It doesn’t matter how much you love me if you don’t trust and respect me, Ivan! What part of that are you not understanding?” While usually Gen’s thoughts were carefully thought out, this time around, she was speaking in an endless filter, not sure of whether or not it was coming out coherently. That’s how it always was when her emotions were so amplified. 

[ivan-stclair-blog]

Ivan crossed his arms in a defensive stance as she began by saying all the things he wanted to hear, the things that he knew she would say, just because she took the initiative to have the conversation, it was only natural that she would want to air things out. He rubbed the back of his neck as she admitted that she didn't put in half as much effort as he did. At least she could see things from his perspective, and even agreed. He hated being pitied, but he could enjoy this little speech t because he felt it had been a long time coming. Sometimes even just a reminder that she did, in fact, love him so much went a long way. She announced that she had something to say, and Ivan reluctantly uncrossed his arms and used them to prop himself up as he leaned on the counter in front of him. This part was unexpected, so naturally his attention was peaked. He tried, he really tried to listen to what she had to say, to understand where she was coming from, and to see things from her perspective. However, he just couldn't. It wasn't the point of her speech at all, but Ivan heard emphasis on phrases like, "You've only been in my life for a small portion," and, "You have to be okay with that," and finally, the kicker, "I don't think this relationship is going to last so long." Her confession was like a punch in the stomach, knocking out all the wind from his lungs, and leaving him speechless. He expected to be comforted and reassured from their conversation, not uncertain and offended. His eyes were closed as he shook his head, visibly trying to wrap his head around what she had just said. "Gen I never asked you to give up your dream for me," he quickly rebutted, his tone defensive. "I never wanted to give you the impression that I'm more important than your career." He looked at her, his eyes quietly confused. "But this is our relationship, not just yours. It isn't all about you and your fucking career," he didn't mean to get angry, but it was all he could do when he felt as the the ground had just been pulled out from under his feet. "You obviously don't take whatever this is between us nearly as serious as I do, because if you did then you wouldn't be threatening to end it if I don't follow your conditions," he spoke hard and fast, accidentally conveying just how upset he was. "I always tell you that your ambition is one of my favorite things about you. Why the fuck would you think I want to get in the way of that?" he asked rhetorically. "Because I want to spend time with you? Because I hate being stood up every single time we make plans? If you can't understand that I'm one step closer to walking out the door every time you blow me off, then yeah, maybe this isn't going to last very long."

Open Hands | Ivan and Gen

With lips pressed together, willing herself to hear him out. Amongst the thoughts she had while boxing, there was one that stood out clearly: she had messed up and it was her time to fix it, and to listen. Any anger as a result of her stubbornness had dissipated long ago, in its place was nothing but guilt and sadness. She listened quietly, her whole mind focused on him as she watched him intently. When he finished up talking, she nodded slowly in understanding. As much as she understood his position, it didn’t hurt any less on top of the already overwhelming amount of guilt she was feeling. Finally, she spoke up, clearing her throat before she did, “I… I get that, I really do. I know I haven’t been giving you even half as much of the effort you give, and I’m sorry for that, I really am,” she spoke genuinely, looking into his eyes as if it would help him understand her sincerity even more. Lacing her fingers together nervously, she continued, “I kept making up excuses, saying that I would spend time with you later, and then later became later and later and later… I knew I was taking you for granted and I did it anyway, and that was a mistake.” Taking in a deep breath, she looked down to collect her thoughts before speaking again, “And while I’m completely, sincerely sorry that I haven’t been portraying how much I love you even close to adequately recently… There’s something I have to say.” She took another brief moment of contemplation, inwardly fighting over whether or not she should bring some of her feelings about the situation into the light. Ultimately, she chose too, deciding once and for all that they had to get everything in the open. “I’ll try to figure out how to balance my career and school and you, though you have to understand that you’ve only been in my life for a small portion so far…” quickly, she added, “and the time you’ve been in it has been amazing, but pretty much all my life I’ve only had my career and school to look forward too. It’s going to take priority sometimes, and it took way more priority then it should have, but it’s not just going to go away forever. There’s going to be times where I’m going to cancel a date night, maybe even twice, because I need to stay late and work on a case. And you have to be okay with that,” she was well aware she was speaking without a filter, and saw no point in stopping - she had to get it off her chest. “And mainly, you have to trust me enough that I won’t go having an affair with Spencer or whoever I’m working with. Yes, he kissed me, and no, I didn’t like it, but I’m not going to quit just because he made a stupid move. I’m not going to sacrifice my dream for him - and I’m not going to sacrifice my dream for you, either. If you can’t respect that and do that for me, I don’t think this relationship is going to last so long,” it wasn’t a threat - it was a statement drawn from her logic, completely lacking in hesitance or uncertainty. She could only hope he didn’t react badly. 

[ivan-stclair-blog]

Ivan found her smile to be reassuring, even if it was just a small one. The intensity of the anger he had felt before was long gone, and he was ready to have a civilized conversation with her without arguing- bury the hatchet, maybe. While there was a small voice in the back of his head telling him not to forgive her so easily, to remember the pain he felt when she had flaked on him yet again, a larger part of him just remembered that he loved her, no matter what. He had promised her that much so many times, and he wasn't about to break that. If this was just another bump in the road that they'd have to work through, then so be it. There was too much love there to be stubborn over tiny things. He went on normally, grabbing another two slices of bread, but was quickly stopped. Ivan could tell as soon as she said his name that she needed to talk about last night, too. He sighed as he put down the butter knife he was holding, reluctantly glancing up into her eyes and regretting it as soon as he did. There would never not be a time when her eyes couldn't render him defenseless. "No I didn't mean that, Gen," he said, almost exasperatedly, "Come on." Anger and irritation made both of them say things they didn't mean, but that doesn't mean the words hurt any less. At the time, they were said with the utmost certainty. "I was just feeling...." he paused, trying to search for the right words that wouldn't make him sound pathetic, but strong enough to get his point across, "I was just feeling like our relationship is becoming one sided, you know?" he was trying to sound reasonable. "No one wants to feel like they're the only person who cares. That's just the vibe I've been getting from this lately." He was brutally honest, but trying to be general. Bringing up specific instances would make her defensive, and simultaneously just bring back old feelings of anger and jealousy that he didn't particularly want to feel in that moment. 

Open Hands | Ivan and Gen

Letting all of the tension in her body out through boxing was always something Gen found to be effective, and it wasn’t as if this time around it wasn’t relaxing, but it didn’t relax her completely. In the back of her mind, she was well aware of the fact that that tension would be relieved once everything was resolved, but it conflicted with the way she wanted to avoid confrontation. Typically, she was never one to back down from approaching conflict head on, but this particular instance made her uneasy. Eventually, after hopping in the gym shower and cleaning herself up after an intense workout, Gen went back to their apartment, a new found courage beginning to make way through her system. She took a deep breath before opening the door, her eyes immediately found Ivan by the counter, the courage she had faltering when he looked her in the eyes only to look back down. Walking over to the counter, she resisted the urge to wince at her already sore muscles and nodded in reply, only finding it in her to give him a hint of a smile, “Yeah, sure.” She sat on the bar stool, staring at him for a while before just shaking her head, deciding to stop avoiding and pretending everything was normal then and there. “Ivan…” she reached over slowly, stopping him from continuing to focus on the sandwich, “we need to talk about what happened last night…I—I don’t know exactly what to say, but,” she stammered out, her eyes drifting downward as she remembered all the words that were exchanged before looking back up at him, her voice softer, more fearful, “were you—do you really hate who you are because of me? 

[ivan-stclair-blog]

Ivan chuckled under his breath, grinning at her pout. There was no way that she wasn't aware of the effect she had on him by now. The simple pouting of her lips was enough to make him feel like he was drowning in the love he felt for this girl. It was almost scary to him, the fact that she could probably ask him to jump off a bridge and he would without hesitation. He'd go to the ends of the earth to make her happy, and he hoped she knew. 

"All sounds very interesting," he spoke in a muffled voice as he murmured against the curvature in her neck, "But Christmas has Santa so I think that wins," he chuckled once again at his jovial argument. His concentration on her neck intensified as he ran his lips along sensitive spots, lightly nipping at the soft skin to drive her crazy. "Although we don't get to spin those things......dreidels?" he was talking just to fill the space in between his kisses, which were getting deeper and deeper with every second that passed. He shook his head at her question, opening his mouth to respond but was happily silenced by her lips. After being left breathless by her most passionate kiss yet, he grinned. "I thought we already established that I'm only with you for your neck." He leaned down and placed a small peck below her jaw just to emphasize.

christmas eve.

Fitting into Ivan’s embrace was something Gen never had difficulty with from the start, and this time was no exception. Her hands gripped his shoulders, making sure he was as close as possible to her, holding onto him as if her life depended on it. In a way it did; there was no question she had formed an irreversible bond with him, something that made all the fighting, all the harmful words exchanged, all worth it. 

Gen let out a small noise in complaint when he pulled away, her now swollen lips in a pout but tugging into a smile as she took in his grin and as he brushed the tips of their noises together. “Hmm,” she hummed in thought, her smile growing larger as she felt his kisses on her neck. “Well, it’s a Jewish holiday that lasts eight days and I think…” she paused, both as she tried to recall and because he reached a particularly sensitive spot on her neck, eliciting her to let a soft sound of content. “I think it has something to do with the rededication of the Holy Temple after the Maccabees successfully rebelled,” she continued, hoping some of what she said was actually historically accurate. She pulled away from his lips, just momentarily, to tilt his head up, the smile still on her face, “I guess you still like my neck a lot, hm?” She said teasingly, giving him little time to answer as she quickly pressed her lips against his, slow and lovingly, using up every ounce of her breath. 

[ivan-stclair-blog]

Ivan fell asleep thinking that Gen would come to bed eventually. Although his actions said otherwise, there was a large part of him that wanted to hold her close as they slept, and just leave things unsaid for the time being. He wanted to drift closer and closer to her as she slept and then blame it on his dreams. He felt like he needed that- or better yet, they needed that. But the theme of the night seemed to be things not going as planned, so they fell asleep separately, with walls, hallways, and doors unwillingly barricading them from each other. He awoke to what he could have sworn were her lips on his forehead, but he figured it was just a dream when he opened his eyes and she was nowhere to be seen. Relief that felt an awful lot like disappointment washed over him as he walked into the kitchen and found that she was in fact gone, and had gone to the gym. He showered and at least made an attempt to have a productive day, making himself breakfast and getting some schoolwork in. He was in the kitchen making himself a sandwich when the door finally creaked open, and Gen's figure appeared from behind it. Not quite sure what to say, he looked up at her and made eye contact before moving his attention back to his sandwich. It wasn't that he was still mad at her, in fact, it was quite the opposite. He wasn't mad at her, although he felt like he should be. As hard as he tried to remember the hurt he felt when she ditched him yet again for work, he couldn't. Not when she had been completely vulnerable with him last night. He tried to remember the hurt he felt when he saw her kissing Spencer, but she had explained with unquestionable truth that he kissed her, and not the other way around. "Do you want a sandwich?" he finally got out as he held up two slices of bread, a lame attempt at a greeting. 

Open Hands | Ivan and Gen

While under most circumstances, Gen managed to remain composed and collected on the outside, this wasn’t most circumstances, and for that very reason, it was blatantly obvious it felt like her world was spinning out of control just by the look on her face. She couldn’t fight his logic—which oddly enough, was greater than hers despite him being far less sober than she was—so it was all she could do to watch his retreating figure, the words exchanged echoing in her mind. Dragging herself up, she got onto the couch, grabbing the blanket she had brought with her and curling up, despite how uncomfortable the position was. There was no way she would be able to sleep in the same bed as him tonight. As she closed her eyes and let the tears fall and her body shudder, completely vulnerable from the guilt she felt, it just supported her argument that she was doing the right thing by giving him space. Eventually, she fell into a dreamless sleep, the tears drying on her face and her eyelashes, as she felt them when she woke up only a few hours later. The sun had arose, pouring in through the windows of the living room, and she lay there for a while in peace, her conscious not catching up to her quite yet. But when all the previous events did, it hit her like a train, as she took in a deep, almost painful breath the second she remembered. Climbing out of the couch, she decided there was one place she could go to relieve all the tension in her body and avoid Ivan for a little bit longer so she could think: the gym. With soft steps, she walked into their bedroom with one mission in mind to get changed and to get out. But along the way out of the house, she couldn’t help but walk over to him, peacefully sleeping with his arm securely around a pillow where she should’ve been. Pressing just a quick kiss on his temple with a whisper of “I love you”, she was off in a rush as she noticed him stir, scribbling a quick note of her whereabouts on the kitchen counter: Going to the gym. I’ll be home before noon. We need to talk - love, Gen. 

[ivan-stclair-blog]

Ivan was comforted by the familiarity of her inside his embrace. He couldn't help but marvel in awe of how great it was that no matter what happened between them, or how bad their fights got, things could feel normal for him the second that she was tucked under his arm. When he could feel her natural warmth radiating from her skin through her clothes, when he could see the rise and fall of her chest as she let out her breaths in sync with his- that's what felt normal. Just the scent of her flowery scented hair was enough to bring him back home. 

The lines of his grin deepened as she rolled her eyes, a mannerism that was just so simply Gen that it had his heart beating in an irrational way. Her smirk and her sultry voice had his heart pounding for completely different reasons, however. He cherished her kiss, responding as if his life depended on it. And when she moved to sit on his lap and wrap herself around him, it was all he could do to wrap his arms around her, tight enough so that there was no telling where his body stopped and hers started. He pulled away and stared into her eyes with a satisfied grin before speaking up, "So Hanukkah?" he brushed the tips of their noses together before kissing her once more. "Tell me about Hanukkah." He awaited her response by moving his attention her neck, bending his head down to place light kisses where the base of it met her shoulders. 

christmas eve.

Gen couldn’t help but sigh in complete bliss, relishing the moment they were in, not thinking about the past or the future. She didn’t think about the fact that they had fought so horribly a few days back, or that by tomorrow this may be far out of reach, she simply enjoyed what she had right now. That was the most she could do to keep herself as happy as she was presently. 

A soft laugh escaped her when she felt him follow her lips, refusing to pull away. Despite her often times cynical and even pessimistic views towards life, Gen was a romantic at heart. Even if she occasionally scrunched her nose in distaste when they had “cute” moments, it was all in good fun. In fact, she felt quite the opposite, their moments like this were what made her love him in the first place. Now, it was her time to follow his lips when he kissed her, the deepness of it making her want more, not minding the fact that she needed to breathe. She characteristically rolled her eyes at his following words, smirking slightly deviously before saying, “I’m sure I can have that arranged.” Leaning in once again, she placed another painfully long kiss on his lips, mirroring the one they had beforehand. Subconsciously, she moved to wrap her legs around his torso and sit on his lap, just as she had done countless times before, all while keeping their lips pressed together. 

[ivan-stclair-blog]

As angry as Ivan was, he wasn't able to sit still and watch Gen completely fall apart in front of him like she was. He was always the kind of guy who was extremely susceptible to displays of emotion, mostly because all of the relationships he had been in had been with girls who were afraid of showing that they cared for him. So to see the girl he loved on her knees, begging for his reasonableness- it was just enough to make him want to forget this whole situation. He was too in love with her to scream at her any longer, but he was too stubborn to let down his guard and let her in. Stuck at yet another impasse, he stood up and walked away from the couch on which he was sitting, finding his balance as he did so. "We can't have this talk right now," he finally said, looking at her with a face that only expressed stress. "I'm drunk, and I'm either going to end up saying some terrible things to you that I'll regret in the morning, or I'm going to forgive you so damn easily because I'm wrapped around your finger when you look at me like that, Gen," he sighed, thinking about how badly he wanted to take her into his arms and forget about the whole thing just a second ago. "And I'll regret that in the morning, too," he added. He shook his head and closed his eyes, unable to bring himself to even glance her way. He wasn't even fully sure he was being coherent and making sense. Earlier in the day, when he was getting ready and buzzing with excitement at the prospect of the night, he never would have believed the night could have ended like this. But yet here he was, retreating from the situation as he headed to their bedroom with heavy steps, ready to pass out and get out of his head for awhile. 

Open Hands | Ivan and Gen

The fear Gen long carried was growing more and more prominent with every word. Each question, each statement, followed the pattern of one thing, one thing she was terrified of: someone she loved leaving her. She stayed quiet after his first question, not sure of how to answer. Now she was questioning herself and her sincerity, would she have made it out to be a big deal that Spencer kissed her and she hesitated in pushing him back? Or would she have kept it a secret? Unable to verbally answer, her gaze dropped as she shook her head, the way he was speaking exposing her flaws, every mistake she had made. She continued to shake her head in defense, “That’s not true, I’m not lying to sugar coat the situation, I’m telling you the truth.” But as soon as she said the words, they sounded awful to her in her mind. They sounded weak, defenseless. And there was a reason. Because she knew his confession was coming. Though that didn’t prepare her for the way her body froze, the blood rushing to her brain, the only thing she could hear was her heartbeat. So this is what it felt to shatter. “Please, don’t tell me that’s true,” she managed to beg, her voice shaking, overwhelmed by pain, “please, Ivan, please. There has to be a way we can make this better again, please don’t give up, please.” It was always her that said she needed to back down, that this was affecting her negatively, and she took it as Ivan denied that anything was happening. But now, it was Ivan saying he was unsure, and she was fully aware she brought this upon them. And that’s what made it hurt all the more. 

[ivan-stclair-blog]

Ivan tried his hardest to take her soft smile with a grain of salt, to not get too excited over a small victory. But he couldn't help it. As soon as she smiled, a similar one was mirrored on his face, as if by it's own accord. She was just so goddamn pretty. After all this time, it still got to him. At the end of the day, when either he or she would come home from work, his heart still raced the second she came into his view. That dizzying, all encompassing, butterfly feeling would never go away with her, and that's how he knew she was it for him. 

He chuckled as she countered his sarcasm with her own, the corners of his lips still in a half grin purely from the sound of her teasing. "I knew that one," he pointed out, remembering their conversation about her growing up Jewish. He accepted her kiss with surprise, but whole heartedly nonetheless. This pleasant atmosphere just felt right, and calm in a way that he would never be able to put into words. Her second kiss was accepted eagerly as well, with him following her lips for as long as he could to avoid pulling away. He chuckled before softly speaking, under his breath as he stared at her with hooded eyes, "I think I know someone available." He leaned in captured her lips once again, kissing her so slow that it almost hurt him. After letting himself go for a few moments, he pulled away. "You'll have to keep me up, though," he joked, ruining the moment. "I get tired."

christmas eve.

Eyelashes fluttering as her eyes closed, Gen responded to the gentle kiss with her own sweetness and softness. It was nothing more than a kiss of gratitude and hope for her, that they would work out all the problems between them. They had too. While it seemed like hell when they fought, Gen had to remind herself of how awful it was when they were apart. It was too late now, Ivan was in her life, and would always be a part of her life, even if she wasn’t a part of his. 

Her lips curved into a smile as he spoke lightly, more than grateful for the change in tone of conversation. The lightness of his words brought her back to their first interaction, the way she felt so comfortable around him, like she could spend hours talking to him and never bore. “I don’t believe you have,” she teased lightly, recalling the borderline excessive amount of times Ivan told her about this fact, “did you know that my favorite holiday growing up was Hanukah? And now,” she leaned in once again, placing a soft kiss on his lips, “especially now, it’s Christmas. And New Years, well, it would be my second if I had someone to kiss this time around,” for emphasis, she kissed him again, “you don’t happen to know any takers, do you?” 

[ivan-stclair-blog]

He'd be a fool to continue with his angry act, to pretend that he wasn't at all affected by her apologies. It was exactly what he wanted to hear, it was exactly what he had hoped she was feeling. But for some reason, maybe it was the alcohol, or maybe it was because he was so damn stubborn, it wasn't enough. Her words were reassuring, but they made him feel like a pity case. Ivan felt too much like the guy that everyone felt sorry for, because he was in so deep into something that was just not good for him. She mentioned Jasper and it all came back, the betrayal that he had felt back then mixed with the betrayal he was feeling now. The anger was over now as the alcohol hit its peak. Disappointment took its place. "If I hadn't walked in on that, would you still be apologizing to me?" he asked questions that were meant to be hard to answer. "You're only saying this now because I'm drunk, and I'm a mess, and you probably don't want to fucking deal with this right now," he was talking himself down, making irrational accusations. He put his head in his hands as he leaned forward. "i just don't know if I can do this anymore," he admitted, "I hate who I am because of you." It was true, although he didn't mean for it to come out so harsh. He just loved her so, so much. So much that it drove him to the brink of insanity. Surely this couldn't be healthy.

Open Hands | Ivan and Gen

With a glare still steady on him, Gen watched as Ivan retorted, the burning in her chest growing. And it grew more, turning into a deeper rooted sadness, the pain of seeing him like this, and even the pain surrounding their whole relationship, causing that anger to dissipate just as quickly as it appeared. His words sunk into her skin, leaving marks she so desperately wanted to erase. She stood in front of him, looking down at him as he spoke, finding the honesty in his words almost shocking. Alcohol always made him confess what he was truly feeling - he had been drinking the night he came to her after they had broken up the first time, after all, and that was when he first said "I love you”. Gen couldn’t help but want to hear those words now more than ever, as she was terrified out of her mind, terrified that this would be the breaking point for him: that this time around, he had decided he was out. Shaking her head, she bent down onto her knees, the pain in her eyes sharp and burning. “I didn’t kiss him, Ivan, he kissed me, I didn’t want too,” she reasoned, her voice now filled with sadness, “I would never cheat on you, I couldn’t dream of it. I’m yours. And I’m sorry it took me time to push him off but I had been drinking and,” she paused, shaking her head, “that’s no excuse, but I want you to know that I didn’t want it. Never have I thought of kissing someone aside from you once I met you a few months ago, even when I kissed….” she hesitated, “Jasper, I was thinking of you.” With a sigh, she ran a hand over her face at his next question, feeling a strong urge to break into tears. She never wanted to make him feel like he was unimportant. “No… Ivan… no…” she protested softly, shaking her head as she looked into his eyes, “of course you’re important, you don’t just mean the world to me, you are my world. And I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry that I made you feel like you weren’t, and that I took you for granted.”