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The Crowded Store

It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store. A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line... "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"

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Walk Softly

"How is it that every time I pass your station, you are not working?" the angry department head asked of an employee. "It's because you wear sneakers, sir!"

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The Meaning of Self-Help

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

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What I don't do...

1. I don't do windows because ... I love birds and don't want one to run into a clean window and get hurt. 2. I don't wax floors because ... I am terrified a guest will slip, hurt themselves. I'll feel terrible and they may sue me. 3. I don't mind the dust bunnies because .... they are very good company. I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say. 4. I don't disturb cobwebs because . I want every creature to have a home of their own and hubby loves spiders. 5. I don't Spring Clean because ... I love all the seasons and don't want the others to get jealous. 6. I don't plant a garden because ... I don't want to get in God's way. He is an excellent designer. 7. I don't put things away because ... my husband will never be able to find them again. 8. I don't do gourmet meals when I entertain because ... I don't want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner. 9. I don't iron because ... I choose to believe them when they say "Permanent Press". 10. I don't stress much on anything because ... "A Type" personalities die young and I want to stick around and become a wrinkled up crusty ol' woman!!!!

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Repentance

On her way back from the concession stand, Sandra asked the man at the end of the row, "Sir, did I step on your foot a minute ago?"

Expecting an apology the man said, "Indeed you did."

Sandra nodded. "Oh, good. Then this is my row."

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One-Liner #1520

I can't stand people who look down on people who look down on people.

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Hymns vs. Choruses

An old farmer went to the city one weekend and attended the big city church. He came home and his wife asked him how it was.

"Well," said the farmer, "it was good. They did something different, however. They sang praise choruses instead of hymns."

"Praise choruses?" said his wife. "What are those?"

"Oh, they're OK. They are sort of like hymns, only different," said the farmer.

"Well, what's the difference?" asked his wife.

The farmer said, "Well, it's like this - If I were to say to you: "Martha, the cows are in the corn"' - well, that would be a hymn. If on the other hand, I were to say to you:

'Martha, Martha, Martha, Oh Martha, MARTHA, MARTHA, the cows, the big cows, the brown cows, the black cows the white cows, the black and white cows, the COWS, COWS, COWS are in the corn, are in the corn, are in the corn, are in the corn, the CORN, CORN, CORN.'

Then, if I were to repeat the whole thing two or three times, well, that would be a praise chorus."

The next weekend, his nephew, a young, new Christian from the city came to visit and attended the local church of the small town. He went home and his mother asked him how it was.

"Well," said the young man, "it was good. They did something different however. They sang hymns instead of regular songs."

"Hymns?" asked his mother. "What are those?"

"Oh, they're OK. They are sort of like regular songs, only different," said the young man.

"Well, what's the difference?" asked his mother.

The young man said, "Well, it's like this - If I were to say to you: 'Martha, the cows are in the corn' - well, that would be a regular song. If on the other hand, I were to say to you:

'Oh Martha, dear Martha, hear thou my cry Inclinest thine ear to the words of my mouth Turn thou thy whole wondrous ear by and by To the righteous, inimitable, glorious truth.

For the way of the animals who can explain There in their heads is no shadow of sense Hearkenest they in God's sun or His rain Unless from the mild, tempting corn they are fenced.

Yea those cows in glad bovine, rebellious delight Have broke free their shackles, their warm pens eschewed Then goaded by minions of darkness and night They all my mild Chilliwack sweet corn have chewed.

So look to the bright shining day by and by Where all foul corruptions of earth are reborn Where no vicious animals make my soul cry And I no longer see those foul cows in the corn.'

Then if I were to do only verses one, three and four and do a key change on the last verse, well that would be a hymn."

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Sarge & the new recruits

One day, a sergeant of long service standing was trying to teach a bunch of raw recruits how to handle the rifle. The rookies were firing hither and yon and finally one of them shot the sarge in the seat of his breeches. "You dumb, censored, son of censored, censored, censored," screamed the sarge. A second lieutenant that was with the group cautioned, "Remember, Sarge, you're in the New Army. No profanities." The sergeant apologized to the officer and turned back to the recruit. "My goodness gracious," he said, "What on earth was your motivation in shooting me with unwarranted expenditure of valuable ammunition?"

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Retail Experience

Rossi was the manager of an upscale men's wear store in a wealthy section of town and was interviewing Abe for the recently advertised salesman role. Rossi looks at Abe's resume and notices that Abe has never worked in retail before. Rossi says to Abe, "What chutzpah, if you don't mind me saying. For someone with no retail experience, you are certainly asking for a high salary." "Well I suppose I am," Abe replies, "but you must understand that the work is so much harder when you don't know what you're doing."

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Why God Never Received Tenure at Any University

1. He had only one major publication. 2. It was in Hebrew. 3. It had no references. 4. It wasn't published in a referred journal. 5. Some doubt He wrote it by Himself. 6. He may have created the world, but what has he done since? 7. The scientific community can't replicate His results. 8. He never got permission from the ethics board to use human subjects. 9. When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects. 10. He rarely came to class and just told students, "Read the Book." 11. Some say He had His son teach class. 12. He expelled His first two students. 

13. His office hours were irregular and sometimes held on a mountain top.

14. Although there were only 10 requirements, all students failed save His Son.