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letters to Dad

7/2018 Did I really want the whole world to know each time I cried while doing homework or those times when the tears wouldn’t stop while I was driving your car. What about the pain I felt when I found your business card or a note with your calligraphy? Would that make them understand what a loss I had? Would they know that you were the best father anyone could have asked for? Would they know what a huge movie fanatic you were and how I bawled when I tried accessing the charter.net account only to find that I didn’t know the single most important question: your favorite movie of all time. I sat there and cried some more. I wish I spent more time with you. I wish I had stayed in the ICU that last night. 10/2018 I hate myself for wanting to go home because I couldn’t bear to see you attached to all the machines. I replay the moment I sprung up in bed to head to the hospital only to find that mom and I were too late. The past few months after were a complete blur to me, but I know that our family and friends were there. 11/2018 I work in the healthcare field now and I see patients who look a lot like you—the average Chinese dad dressed in Ralph Lauren polos tucked in with faded blue jeans and glasses with rubber nose pads. I wonder if they have someone like me, who idolized you, in their lives. Often times, I see older patients who come in with their daughters or sons, and they have binders filled with past medical history, recent lab and imaging reports. It makes me wish that I had the chance to do the same. It makes me wonder how scary it would have been to go through the illness alone— something that you put yourself through so that you wouldn’t make the family worry. I am angry that you pushed away your illness. I kept going to work and school and now i feel foolish for not giving you more time. The truth is that I was really scared of losing you or worse, watching my hero suffer with something that I couldn’t help with. You will always be a hero in my heart. P Now that I think about it, the average Chinese dad style is currently trending. 1/2019 These past months I haven’t stopped crying. Your passing has been the biggest heartbreak I have ever had to go through. I’ve cried so much and I don’t think I can stop. Everything makes me wish you were here Dad and I’m sorry that I can’t be stronger. 

 2/28/2019 Had a dream about you Dad. We were in the Monterey Park house, the one with a lot of staircases and patios. You were waiting to take me to school. I broke down crying because I was stressing out over hw and school. You tried giving me money but that wasnt the thing that made me happy. Then I hugged you and told you I love you and that you need to take care of your health. You assured me with your “ge thou la”. It meant you knew and most of the time— it meant that everything would be okay. You were really squishy. Then I woke up crying in pain. I wish I was able to tell you. I haven’t dreamed about you in so long. Maybe because I’ve been afraid of missing you or afraid of facing reality. I’m still numb and I’ll never stop being in so much pain. Dad I love you. I love you so much. Please take care of yourself and Grandpa. He passed away recently too. I hope you get to see your parents, brother, and sister. I hope you’re all truly happy up there. 

5/11/2019  A-bah. This year has been really hard on me. There were countless amount of days where I couldn’t find the strength to get out of bed and I stayed confined to our house while the world kept turning outside. I feel guilty for not being stronger, the way you would have wanted. Many times it feels as if my world stopped turning while everyone else moved on. Dad, I’ve been trying to fix it— I’m trying so hard to be happier, to do better things for people and for myself. But I’m still numb and I don’t know where to go from here. Dad, I’m really scared, lonely, and lost. I’m still hurt and I’m so sorry I am not stronger.

 5/12/2019 Dad, it’s Mother’s Day. I know it is silly to feel sad on Mother’s Day because you always told me that it’s a day dedicated to our hardworking and talented mother. Last year, mom had a huge surgery— and I remember you woke me up on the couch to make sure I spent the night with her while she was recovering at San Gabriel Valley Medical hospital. I spent the whole night with her then. Little did I know that you were actually trying your best to avoid the hospital because you were sick inside, ridden with unbearable amount of nerve pain and nausea. But the year prior to her surgery, do you remember when I paid for dinner after I got off of work at my restaurant job? We ate Korean bbq, which was also when you warned me to drive safely after only 1 shot of soju. I had just started driving then and I thought your comments were unnecessary. I will always treasure that memory with me as the ability to be financially stable enough to afford a nice dinner with my entire family, including my brother’s family. I remember you had so much fun that night and I hope you were proud of me.  I’m now president of my school club and I work with sick patients every day. It’s still extremely painful to know you are no longer here but I hope you are smiling as you see me make a difference in the world.  6/5/2019 Happy birthday A-bah. Today was a pretty good day at work. I thought a lot about how lucky I am to have been your daughter. Many people have fathers who were too busy working to give their children time. Some people didn’t even have fathers and some people had fathers who were unhappy with themselves so they inflict unhappiness upon their family. Not me, I was fortunate enough to be born to you, a humble, generous, good father who was sometimes too good to be true. You were always lenient with me and gave me time to learn from my own mistakes. You let me believe that I could do anything that I wanted. As a little girl, you spoiled me with toys and gifts every weekend, you fed me only the finest of foods even though we were not a rich family. You made me think that I was the luckiest little girl in the world and I still believe that. Any one who has ever crossed paths with you can would agree that you were a good man. One that worked hard to provide a beautiful home to his wife and kids. You were a humble man with a humor and you taught me what it means to be human: to not have all the money in the world but to live comfortably, eat just enough, and to be happy. I still miss your sashimi chef skills in the kitchen and I miss the loving phrase of “did you eat yet?” that you would ask whenever I came home from work or school. I hope I will be able to see you again someday. I’m trying my best to learn how to be comfortable and happy, something I didn’t quite understand before. Don’t worry Dad, I’m doing fine. I have our family and my friends to keep me company until I see you again. You are the best father I could have ever asked for and I am so grateful to have been your daughter.

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The Duke and Duchess of Sussex introduce their newborn son to the world at Windsor Castle

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You don’t know pain until you sit down and beg God to heal your heart.

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(3/3)  “I never tell the story to anyone.  I find it shameful.  I find it pitiful.  When I finally escaped, the man said to me: ‘I hope you’ll forgive me for what I’ve done to your life.’  But honestly his soul is not my problem.  I’ve done everything I can to forget those years.  I think you have only one duty in life.  You stand up and you go.  No matter what happens: I will buy a dress, I will color my hair, I’ll put on my lipstick, and I’ll go out and meet people.  After I got my papers, the first thing I did was enroll in French school.  I began to make friends.  I learned that people liked me.  I could make them laugh.  Can you imagine?  For ten years I hadn’t made anyone laugh.  I began to see that I wasn’t handicapped.  I wasn’t deformed.  I wasn’t broken.  I became a salesperson at a make-up store.  I was so good at it.  Number one in Europe for my company.  And I met a man who cares about me.  His name is Mark.  He’s super beautiful.  He’s bald.  I love bald.  I typed ‘bald’ into the dating site.  And he sincerely cares about me.  He’s given me home and family.  Twenty times a day he surprises me with something kind.  It took me three years to tell him about my past.  I didn’t want him to know that I’d lived through dramatic things.  I didn’t want to be a survivor.  I wanted to be delicate and feminine.  It’s my pleasure to be weak.  It’s my joy.  I cried for three days after I told him.  But he didn’t care at all.  My past didn’t bother him.  It only bothered him that I was crying.” (Paris, France)

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you deserve someone who thinks you’re too important to lose

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IN THESE TIMES

You’ve been fired. According to your employer’s data, your facial expressions showed you were insubordinate and not trustworthy. You also move your hands at a rate that is considered substandard. Other companies you may want to work for could receive this data, making it difficult for you to find other work in this field.

That may sound like a scenario straight out of a George Orwell novel, but it’s the future many American workers could soon be facing.

In early February, media outlets reported that Amazon had received a patent for ultrasonic wristbands that could track the movement of warehouse workers’ hands during their shifts. If workers’ hands began moving in the wrong direction, the wristband would buzz, issuing an electronic corrective. If employed, this technology could easily be used to further surveil employees who already work under intense supervision.

Whole Foods, which is now owned by Amazon, recently instituted a complex and punitive inventory system where employees are graded based on everything from how quickly and effectively they stock shelves to how they report theft. The system is so harsh it reportedly causes employees enough stress to bring them to tears on a regular basis.

UPS drivers, who often operate individually on the road, are now becoming increasingly surveilled. Sensors in every UPS truck track when drivers’ seatbelts are put on, when doors open and close and when the engines start in order to monitor employee productivity at all times.

The technology company Steelcase has experimented with monitoring employees’ faces to judge their expressions. The company claims that this innovation, which monitors and analyzes workers’ facial movements throughout the work day, is being used for research and to inform best practices on the job. Other companies are also taking interest in this kind of mood-observing technology, from Bank of America to Cubist Pharmaceuticals Inc.

These developments are part of a larger trend of workers being watched and judged—often at jobs that offer low pay and demand long hours. Beyond simply tracking worker performance, it is becoming more common for companies to monitor the emails and phone calls their employees make, analyzing personal traits along with output.

Some companies are now using monitoring techniques—referred to as “people analytics”—to learn as much as they can about you, from your communication patterns to what types of websites you visit to how often you use the bathroom. This type of privacy invasion can cause employees immense stress, as they work with the constant knowledge that their boss is aware of their every behavior—and able to use that against them as they see fit.

Lewis Maltby, president of the National Workrights Institute at Cornell University, tells In These Times that the level of surveillance workers are facing is increasing exponentially.

“If you look at what some people call ‘people analytics,’ it’s positively frightening,” Maltby says. “People analytics devices get how often you talk, the tone of your voice, where you are every single second you’re at work, your body language, your facial expressions and something called ‘patterns of interaction.’” He explains that some of these devices even record what employees say at work.

(Continue Reading)

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Isn’t it weird how you can actually feel the pain in your chest and stomach when something really hurts your feelings

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I’ve never identified with something more than this

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heart eyes

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Lmao I came on here to see what happened and everyone is blurred out like that episode of black mirror, @staff you guys really suck at your job. Congrats

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23 days into the year, I’ve already come to the conclusion that once again; this isn’t my year…