ix3ltm

[ix3ltm]

Here are some pictures of flowers + mountains in this trying time. Isn’t it lovely to know that the flowers will still bloom and the rivers will still rush and the earth will still turn, no matter the virus?

[ix3ltm]

Spook

Day one of stay-in-place orders California style and I, unfortunately  am considered essential, which means that I have to work despite the orders. I work at a Bio-Manufacturing company and the government has requested that we stay open during these times as our product is used for drug therapy research and will potentially aid in finding a vaccination for this cure.. I don’t mean to sound as if I think I’m actually essential; the very thought that I am essential over millions of other people really bothers me.. I create documents...on Excel and Word...how fucking essential does that sound?   It’s hard to determine how I feel about all of this, I should feel thankful for the opportunity to maintain my job and still get paid through this, yet I cannot help but be annoyed and bothered that I am forced to subject myself to the outside world when many others get to enjoy the comfort of their own homes. What a selfish thought to feel that bothered though, right? So many hard working and innocent human beings were just laid off of their jobs, small businesses are already struggling, and many people are risking their own safety for a shitty ass minimum wage just to keep their family afloat... and I sit here and feel sorry for myself. What a joke I am.  I think part of my struggle is that I work in a field that aids in finding a cure, yet charges copious amounts of money for their product. The owners are not bad people, most human beings that sell product like this probably aren’t horrible people; the reality is that it’s extremely immoral and wrong to bank off of other people’s shortcomings.. especially in a time like this. It’s funny too that they’re all cheery and stoked that they’re these great people for doing their part and continuing to work- not to discredit what we do, but are you kidding? If they were truly good people, they would do it for free because it’s the right thing to do. Instead, as most human beings would do after becoming blind or possibly never even possessing awareness to the fucked reality of our social systems, they will sit on their thrones and reap the benefits of other people’s shortcomings all while believing they are some sort of hero. Wild.  Hopefully that helps explain my “selfishness”. It’s not that I’m upset that I’m taken care of, I’m just upset that I’m given this privilege when others are not. For the “greatest country in the world” we sure don’t give a damn about each other and it’s showing a lot right now. But isn’t that how humans have always been? I’ve taken several philosophy classes in the last couple of years and I cannot help but notice that each philosopher’s theory, no matter what time period it is, is always about the same basic problem. What’s right or wrong, what is good and bad, who should or should not have power, How do we or do we not allocate resources correctly? Is it not evident that we will not ever agree, or am I the only one that feels this way? I guess that’s why it’s hard for me to fixate on politics or finding a solution to this problem because I feel as though each person’s idea comes with personal bias to their own situation... emotion almost always trumps logic in the human mind, at least I think. But what do I really know, honestly.. please if you are reading this, know that I am no educated and bright individual and do not take any of this too seriously. From my perspective though, there are just some people that are good and some that are bad and so it will always be fucked. No one will ever win.  I guess I’ll try to keep writing here because I think it’s kind of making me feel better. On another note, I’m real excited (if I don’t die) for all of the interesting content that will be made of this spook situation... this is prime time for the creative souls of the world and I am very curious to see what’s in store. I’m also real curious to see what it’s like for everyone to completely lose their minds in the next coming weeks... humans are real interesting creatures to watch so I will be staying tuned for now, unless I completely lose it as well.. maybe i already have??? 

[ix3ltm]

I created this account several months ago to serve as a journal when I don’t feel like handwriting. When my anxiety is high I often feel as though my thoughts are too quick and fleeting to be able to get them down on a page fast enough... sometimes I don’t even know exactly how I am feeling because I am feeling all sorts of things at once and when I attempt to make it out on a page or even to another human being I often feel as though it just comes out as if I’m just some blabbering idiot. The reality behind why I am finally writing something on this is because it currently feels as if the whole world is turning upside down and it has felt this way for months. 2020 has been a grim year to say the least and I guess I am at the point where I don’t even care if I sound like a blabbering idiot, I just need to get my thoughts out before I explode into bits and pieces. In current news, the Covid-19 pandemic is underway and really causing quite the ruckus; people are going absolutely mad (including myself, don’t let me fool you). People are scared and people react when they’re scared, unfortunately sometimes they react in a scary fucking way. I guess I can’t blame them though, nobody was prepared for this to happen. I’ts a surreal feeling to see the impending horrors that I’ve worried about for all of my life to unfold right before my eyes- although this is not what I specifically pictured, I’ve always been quite fatalistic in my thought process and this is comparable to what I have imagined in the past. I don’t necessarily agree with the way people are handling this situation, but I am not at all shocked. The people who hold power that fail to step up, to allocate resources correctly, and that remain firm in their greed do not surprise me nor do the people who are having literal fist fights over toilet paper; human beings are shit, and this is in no way a shock to me. I’m no conspiracy theorist, but I wouldn’t even be surprised to find out that there was some grandiose political scheme behind this because the reality is, it can happen and if there is a will, there is a way, especially if you have billions of dollars and mass amounts of power... I didn’t start writing this so I could start my conspiracy theory, truthfully I don’t even pay much attention to politics anyways so my theory would be quite uneducated and probably stupid as hell, that is to say if i were to have one. See what I mean? Blabbering idiot, even when I’m typing my thoughts and have the capability to fucking delete the dumb ones. Today I’m going to keep the stupid thoughts though, keep it raw for the one or two people that may scroll past this post. I hate that I don’t know if whoever’s reading this may not realize that was sarcasm, so full disclosure, that was sarcasm. Anyways, this covid-19 bullshit is driving my anxiety to extreme levels and I think I am almost to the point of insanity. Before this all happened, I was graced with the news that my mother’s brain disease has progressed and she is in need of her 3rd brain surgery. It has already been hard watching her struggle through this disease; finances, the loss of basic motor functions, and the transition from being a working, functioning “normal” person to the life of a “disabled” unable to work person. We were not at all expecting to hear the disease had progressed and at that point, I was horrified at the “what ifs” of the situation, I still am. I don’t want to go into the shit details of it all but, if you aren’t aware of the fucked up nature of our healthcare system and how traumatizing it is to discover you are sick when you have no money to afford treatment, then I would highly suggest looking into it. I feel quite bad for my mother and the situation that she is in. I selfishly feel bad for myself that I have to pan out in my mind the possibility of losing my mother at such a young age and that I may not have time to fix any of the problems between her and I... yet in hindsight, I guess I’ve panned that out several times before since my mother has been keen to threatening suicide for most of my life... I’m sidetracking. So first Covid-19 stopped me from seeing my mother and spending time with her before her surgery as she demanded we stay away and prevent any possibility of giving her the virus (not that we have it, you may have noticed mania runs in the fam!), and then yesterday my mother’s surgery was cancelled because Covid-19 patients need the beds and the surgery is not needed immediately. Sick right? Pun intended. So now she and her entire family, including myself, are forced to wait nearly three weeks to even discuss rescheduling. Crazy how unprepared our healthcare system is for a disaster considering this isn’t the first pandemic in the world..? It makes you wonder how every other person is individually impacted by this situation. Who else’s health is pushed aside because there is a possibility the hospitals will be overcrowded? Fucking weird times man. I feel for everyone during this and hope the crisis is averted quickly. I also feel for myself as I fear my high anxiety is going to cause me to lose my job... I’ve felt as though I’ve been having a heart attack for two weeks straight, I feel as though a stack of bricks has been laid on top of my chest; I’m suffocating. Then having to go to work, amidst all of the panic, causes my anxiety to worsen even more... I’m suffocating and drowning all at the same time and nobody can help me. I know I am not the only one that feels this way, I’m not unique in this... yet I cannot help but sometimes pity myself. If I had ever gotten my way, I would have never existed to even be apart of this mess we call life. Sorry to be so honest, but I really didn’t sign up for this and if there was an exit door where nobodies feelings would be hurt if I left, I would walk the fuck out in a heart beat. This is getting depressing now, so I guess I’ll stop. Cheers to whoever finds this and reads this... sorry for wasting your life and brain cells :’)