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dressing and acting like bruno mars for 8 days straight grinning and laughing dancing and twisting being all sexy and short until i pass out from dehydration/exhaustion with no prior signs of distress

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every time I fumble w my phone’s charger cable I think about emailing steven moffat a pipe bomb

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Laptops are always so much more Fucked than phones in my experience. A laptop is like a beautiful horse that wants nothing more than to break all of its legs. A decently solid android phone will act normal

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Another day of being a sweetiepie. Just clocked in

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Receiving a Werther’s Derivative from my poser grandma

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Why are streaming services these days all named shit like Fubi and Hehu and lala

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theyre going to kill me because nobody in history has acted strangely and im the very first

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when the blind man shows frankenstein’s creature the pleasures of life he shows him cigarette and music. notice how he doesn’t show him linkedin and email

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the cucks have unionized

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birds cant really comprehend the complexities of human life but then again i cant either. and i sure as hell couldnt locate seeds if i had to. so im basically 0 for 2 against birds. i do however understand lying in a sunspot so im on level with cats

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everyday I pray Zillow makes a comment section

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back when i was working at [redacted canine cognition research lab] i was at a social gathering with other lab members

and one of the grad students said "you know, since i started studying dogs i've gotten really good at being able to tell"

and someone was like "tell what??"

and the grad student pointed at a dog across the street and simply said

"that's a dog ☺️"

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holy shit. this guy on the bus talking to a girl about how he trades stocks. and she goes “have you seen american psycho” and he said no i dont watch movies. im too busy trading