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Batkids early adoption au except it all happens in the same night (also Bruce Wayne is an idiot)

Picture this:

Bruce goes to the circus. A tragedy occurs. He starts walking back to his car with a freshly orphaned Dick Grayson clinging to his neck. He gets there only to find...

The tires are gone. All but one, which is in the process of being removed by a scrawny street kid named Jason Todd. The boy runs.

Bruce panics. He obviously can't let this poor, obviously homeless kid run off to get crimed in Crime Alley. Bruce does the only thing he can think of: he throws Dick like a pokeball. It works, sort of. Dick catches the kid, the kid catches a concussion.

Bruce panics harder.

He bundles the kids into the back of his car and hops in the drivers seat. "Hospital," he says to himself, "I can do this. I'm Batman."

"What?" Dick says.

"What?" Jason says.

"What?" Bruce says.

THUMP. They're interrupted by the sound of someone landing bodily on the roof.

Bruce stumbles out of the car to find Tim Drake doing the family guy death pose on top of his $400,000 Mercedes. Above them, a broken fire escape squeaks a threat of more violence. Bruce is distracted by it for only a second, but when he looks back down, Tim is already upright and setting off a camera in his face.

"Hi, Batman!" Tim grins. "I knew it was you."

Bruce blinks away the stars with a sigh and opens the back door again. Tim scrambles off the roof and wanders in.

Bruce now has three childr- wait when did that one get here? Cassandra Cain is wedged into the middle seat between Dick and Jason. She smiles at him sweetly.

"Who-" Bruce begins.

Someone wings a brick at them out of nowhere. Tim narrowly avoids further head trauma only because Bruce's dad reflexes activate in time to bat (ha!) it away. Bruce turns to see a little blonde girl sprinting off. He moves to catch her, but steps on Jason's discarded tire iron; it flips up and nails him in the balls. Stephanie Brown gets away.

Bruce realises, while he's writhing pitifully on the ground, that the car still has no tires.

He calls Alfred for help.

---

Four hours, a hospital visit, a whole lot of paperwork and one long phone call to CPS later, Bruce arrives home with four emergency foster kids in tow.

Talia Al Ghul is sitting in his living room with a baby carrier.

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Stoopid stuff based on a meme I saw on Pinterest I wanted to draw!!

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Evacuation

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I love that Jimmy Olsen is exactly the type of photographer Peter Parker pretends to be. Just bat-shit insane.

Whenever someone asks Peter how he took a picture he's like "Oh! I uh-, climmed a flagpole. Totally"

And very mortal, normal-human Jimmy is like "See, Clark, is not that weird"

I mean, look at this nutjob.

The world could be ending, lava on the streets and Jimmy would be out there photographing away. No powers, no sense of self preservation. Just khakis, a camera and a dream.

I like to imagine Peter meeting Jimmy and immediately being mortified about it.

Jimmy: –and so luckily I was able to take the picture before the building collapsed on me... Superman was super pissed at me but, photographer to photographer, it was totally worth it.

Peter: Right, no– See, this is actually my first time hearing how fucking insane that sounds. No wonder people at work look at me weird.

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8 year old Dick, sitting on top of Bruce's shoulders and giggling: Do I weigh anything to you?

Bruce, in his mid-twenties: No.

22 year old Dick, sitting on top of Bruce's shoulders with a mix of confusion, concern, and astonishment: Do I... weigh anything to you?

Bruce, in his early forties, slightly smiling despite his 4 hidden broken ribs: No.

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바보세마리

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wish $20 was $20 again.... it's literally $5. if ur fucking lucky

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what if Bruce moved to Smallville when he and Clark were 16?

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apparently my boss who is a professor at my school doesn’t have a cell phone and his coworkers were upset by this so they bought him a childs toy phone and labeled it “David’s jitterbug” (for those of you that don’t know jitterbugs are phones made for old people that have like massive buttons and shit) so the other day I walked into his office to ask him a question and he pressed a button on it which made it start loudly playing the ABCs and he said “excuse me I have to take this” and then started singing along to the ABCs while shooing me out of his office

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How would a isekai protag ragebait a medieval fantasy dc?

They anonymously take out a personal add in the newspaper and write “The night stalking Batman of the kingdom of Gotham could beat the divine savior of Metropolis Superman in a contest of —“

They cut it off right there to make it seem like a misprint and just wait as the public debates over what competitions Superman and Batman could beat the other in.

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Today's high schoolers romanticizing 2016 as if there weren't the clown incidents

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at literally any given moment my life could be improved by having a giant beverage. Like even if I already have one maybe I need another for later.

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The batfam just leave things around the manor like unsolved rubix cubes (the really big or weird shaped ones), or complex puzzles for tim because they know he will drop everything once he sees it to solve it.

Tim: *battling with a really hard puzzle box*

Jason: what is he doing?

Dick: oh i bought him the most difficult puzzle box i could find, he's been at it for hours now

Tim: *swearing loudly at the box while tussling with it on the ground as he tries to solve it*

Dick: its his enrichment! :D

Jason: ... like a zoo animal???

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i’m like if a writer did not write and did other things instead

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Reblog to let prev know their presence is wanted