j-b-r

[j-b-r]

XVI

Less than a week

And already,

I can see an entire future,

Laid out in front of me,

With you.

Why do I do this?

[j-b-r]

XV

The sand on my feet,

The salt in my hair,

The sea on my skin,

My head still spins,

From those days in the sun.

[j-b-r]

XIV

I sat on the beach at night,

And looked west over the ocean.

I thought of you.

How you must be standing on the other coast,

Gazing at the moon,

Just as you always do.

I haven't heard from you in months,

And probably won't again.

But for the first time in a while,

I wished you were there with me.

I wrote your name in the sand,

And watched as the tide pulled it out,

Into the writhing black waters.

[j-b-r]

XIII

There, in the evening's blue light beside the endless road, I knew who I was.

And I was more myself than ever I had been before.

[j-b-r]

XII

Sometimes,

It looks like Orion is reaching for the moon.

Maybe when he finally reaches it,

We can be together again.

[j-b-r]

XII

My heart broke

When you told me that

You don't think

I'll ever be completely

Out of your life.

That we'd always be

Some how intertwined.

Because,

I had the same feeling.

Like we're two souls

Meant to cross paths

Again and again,

So long as we're both living.

And in all my broken pieces,

I knew

That it'd always be you.

[j-b-r]

XI

All of the sudden,

I can't laugh,

Without bursting into tears.

[j-b-r]

X

Those mid summer nights,

They belong to him.

Those of late winter,

They're hers.

But the days of Spring and Autumn,

They'll always be mine.

[j-b-r]

IX

Who do you write about in your poems?

[j-b-r]

VIII

I'm starting to think that,

Maybe,

The pain never stops.

You just learn to live with it.

But there are moments,

Here and there,

Where I can forget about it,

And be happy for a bit.

[j-b-r]

VII

Do you think,

When this is all over,

You can love me the way you used to?

[j-b-r]

VI

Each night,

You nuzzle my face and kiss my cheeks,

You lay your fiery red hair upon my chest,

You sleep soundly in my arms.

But in the day,

You're mean,

Distant,

Indifferent.

Though,

What more can you expect from a cat.

[j-b-r]

V

My favorite smell,

Is rain in the forest.

The scent of the ancient pines,

And the decaying needles on the ground.

The aroma of damp soil,

And rotting wood.

A smell that reminds me,

Even the earth needs to cry sometimes,

So that it can help itself to grow,

To heal.

[j-b-r]

IV

B.,

I dream of you sometimes.

More and more as of late.

I don't know why.

The last time I gave you a day long thought was months ago.

And yet it seems that, recently, you're in the back of my mind.

You're at the forefront tonight.

I wonder why.

When you consumed my mind I tried to find you.

To see where and how you were.

I know that it would do me no good to see you again.

Maybe it would drag me back into the darkness that swallowed me when you left.

Maybe I would feel nothing.

But I couldn't find you.

It was as though you'd fallen off of the earth.

I think to myself that it's for the best.

I would only bring myself pain.

But as the night drags on I find my self wondering.

What if things had worked out?

What of you and I had made it?

Where would we be?

You'd be here next to me, not 500 miles away.

But it's hard to imagine.

I try sometimes.

To imagine it.

What we would have been.

And it's pretty.

The way that wrapping paper is.

Before you tear it apart.

I wouldn't change anything now, though.

I have a good life.

But everytime that I think of you,

Everytime I hear a song that reminds me of the future we spoke of,

Everytime I visit that small town where we met,

Evertime you speak to me in my dreams,

It makes me wonder.

Do you dream of me, too?

J.B.R.

[j-b-r]

III

Sometimes the world feels lonely. As though there's a certain stillness; A silence that could last for moments or eternity.

Occasionally, it helps to wallow in it. To learn to be happy alone and rely on yourself for strength when there are no others.

But this silence and solitude are not eternal. There are always ordeals where we need someone else to understand our struggles. To help us understand our own hardships.

These helpers are the ones who make it easier. They too have sat in silence alone. And only through their diligence and self determination did they decide that, though it may be easier to rely on oneself and ignore the troubles of the world, they must immerse themselves in the chaos to help those who need it.

Become familiar with your solitude, but do not lose yourself to it. There are those out there who need you.

J.B.R.

[j-b-r]

II

M.,

I know that sometimes it can be hard to understand. I know that when I try to explain who I am, it's confusing. Maybe you'll never fully understand, but you haven't given up trying yet. I love you for that. You haven't turned away in disgust the way so many other people would. I don't have to defend myself to you, I only have to try to string the words together to explain it.

I know it must hurt. It must feel that I didn't trust you with myself. With my heart. I know I was wrong. That I failed you. That in a moment of weakness, I was selfish. I put my own fears and need for unconditional acceptance above us. Above your need to be trusted and my need to trust you. That for a moment, I put myself before us. It's one of the few regrets I have.

You deserve so much from me. And I'll never stop working to make it up to you. To make you know that I trust you with all of me. There are no more secrets to me. And there never will be again.

I know the world has been harsh and cruel to you in so many ways. That it never seems to stop trying to beat you down and keep you on the ground. It hurts me to think that I might have been a part of that. That I might have made you feel like you were surrounded on all sides, victim to a never ending barrage of misfortunes and undue revelations. That you had no one to turn to. But you do. I'm here for you now.

Where I failed before, I won't again. Nothing in this world means more to me than you. And if I have to spend every waking moment of the rest of my life proving it to you, then so be it.

Because I know you. How fiercely you love. How freely you express yourself. How unapologetically amazing you are. If I ever had a hand in putting you down, I would never be able to live with myself. And so I will work my entire life to give you what you need to thrive. To show the world that you won't stay on the ground. To make you happy in every way I can.

You don't judge me or try to hurt me. I hope you'll forgive me for what I put you through. For what I did. I love you, and I will be there for you always. From this moment until my last.

J.B.R.

[j-b-r]

I

B.,

I thought about you yesterday.

For the first time in a while.

Not of the countless days we spent together.

Not of the endless nights.

Not of the way it all ended without a word.

I thought about you.

About the color of your eyes.

About the softness in your voice.

About the good in your heart.

Sometimes, it felt as if that were hard to find, but it had always been there.

I'm not sure if I missed you or hated you when I thought about you.

But I know that at some point I loved you.

All of you.

Maybe part of me still does.

Maybe part of me always will.

But I wanted you to know,

I hope you're okay.

I hope life treated you well, because it seemed hard for you.

I hope you found a way to free yourself from all of the horrible people around you.

I hope that you don't regret what happened between us.

Because I don't.

Not at all.

It made me the person I am.

A person I can finally be happy with.

I think it's for the best we didn't end up together.

That we went our separate ways.

That we never spoke again.

That we never saw eachother again.

It wouldn't have worked out.

We were always too different.

I always had this feeling that we were doomed.

Even when I was happiest with you, there was a seed of doubt in the back of my mind that sprouted and never stopped growing.

I did everything I could to stop it. To drown that seed and its roots.

To burn the sapling and its tendrils.

But you can't fight nature.

Eventually, you have to reckon with the inevitable.

You have to face what's destined to happen.

What was always meant to happen.

Now, I've found another person.

She's not perfect, no one is.

But I love her.

More than life itself.

She's everything to me.

I'm happy with my life now.

I'm happy with my new person.

I found happiness.

I hope you found it, too.

J.B.R.