j-banks-blog

[j-banks-blog]

My Clarity

by Lotusa

It took me too long to realize

that not every closeness

is meant to be kept.

You,

with your quiet laughs

and sudden messages,

you made the days feel

less like routine

and more like something

alive.

And for a moment,

I mistook comfort for connection,

presence for purpose,

your attention for affection.

But the truth?

You never promised anything.

Not forever.

Not even tomorrow.

Still,

I built castles out of glances,

homes from your kindness,

and fireworks from the way

you always sat beside me.

I used your warmth

to patch the cold inside me—

never stopping to ask

if you meant to offer it,

or if I just took it

because I was starved.

But now,

I see clearly.

This isn’t love.

It was longing, dressed as hope.

It was silence, waiting to be named.

So today,

I thank you—

for the lessons,

the closeness,

and the ache.

Because in losing the illusion,

I found my clarity.

[j-banks-blog]

“Why Does This Bother Me?”

I keep asking myself

the question that won’t sit still—

why does this bother me?

Why does it feel like grief

when he laughs with someone else,

like I’m losing something

I was never allowed to claim?

He said

he doesn’t get attached easily.

But he always sits beside me,

like his silence trusts me,

like his world makes a little more sense

next to mine.

He told me I’m his lucky charm.

He messages me first,

shares horror stories,

movie scenes,

little crumbs of his chaos

like I’m supposed to hold them safe.

And I did.

God knows I did.

But when the room goes quiet,

when he forgets to look my way—

I feel it.

The sting.

The shift.

The ache that whispers,

“Maybe he never saw you the same.”

And I hate myself for it.

Because I’m married.

Because I should know better.

Because I asked for nothing—

and still hoped for more.

I want to believe

this is just friendship.

I want to believe

this is just empathy.

I want to believe

I am not catching feelings

in the middle of a life

I already built.

But why does this bother me?

Maybe because

somewhere in the spaces between our laughs,

I forgot where my boundaries end

and his presence begins.

Maybe because

my heart keeps writing stories

his lips will never read.

Maybe because

being chosen as a confidant

feels like love

to a heart that’s been unseen for too long.

And maybe—just maybe—

I bother me.

Because I know

I can’t stay in the warmth of a flame

I’m not supposed to touch.

So if I must burn,

let it be in silence,

not shame.

[j-banks-blog]

“If It Becomes Heavy, Let Go Softly”

I met him

on an ordinary weekday

when the lights in the office were too bright

and the coffee too bitter,

but his voice—

his voice made the air feel less sharp.

He sat beside me

like gravity had rules I didn’t understand.

Laughed at my jokes

like I was more than just noise.

He called me his lucky charm

but I wonder if he knew

he was becoming mine.

We talked like two people

who had known silence too long.

We shared stories,

drowned in playlists,

passed weekends like love notes

we were too afraid to sign.

But one day,

I remembered—I’m married.

And he’s hurting.

And some wounds,

they borrow your light

without meaning to.

I started noticing the weight.

Not in the way he looked at me,

but in the way I looked at myself—

in mirrors that asked,

“Is this friendship,

or are you holding something

that isn’t yours to carry?”

I wanted to be his safe place.

But I am someone's home.

And I can't keep making shelter

in places where I must hide from storms

I helped create.

So if this becomes too heavy—

if my chest tightens when he doesn’t message,

if I start measuring my worth

in his attention

instead of my husband’s touch—

I will leave.

Not in bitterness,

not in flames.

But in grace.

Because love, even unspoken,

should never be a burden

You wear it like guilt.

[j-banks-blog]

You'll never know,

But that’s okay.

Some truths aren’t meant to be told.

Some love are meant to be kept.

I’ll carry this quietly,

Not because it’s a burden,

But because it’s my way of keeping you close.

You���ll never know

And maybe that’s just how it’s meant to be.

[j-banks-blog]

You'll never know,

But that’s okay.

Some truths aren’t meant to be told.

Some love are meant to be kept.

I’ll carry this quietly,

Not because it’s a burden,

But because it’s my way of keeping you close.

You’ll never know

And maybe that’s just how it’s meant to be.

[j-banks-blog]

i feel worthless😢

[j-banks-blog]

My inner child in me.. all time fave tweety bird.😘

[j-banks-blog]

When you feel tired of everything.. Just go here.

[j-banks-blog]

If you are a CEBUANO.. you know him.

[j-banks-blog]

Why their are some people that are insentive? they can support a friend celebration than a parent celebration?🤔

[j-banks-blog]

If I die will you cry..?

[j-banks-blog]

25 posts!🤗🥰

milestone @tumbler

[j-banks-blog]

😥😭 I feel so wasted.

[j-banks-blog]

MY 36 WISHLIST (hoping it will be granted)

1. Visit 36 churches with my family.

2. Beach Outing just me,daughter & my partner.✔

3. Eat all you can with Me, Lo and my P.

4. Out of Town with Me, Lo and my P.

5. Date with my P.

6. Day off - Me time 1 whole day.

7. Family Picnic

8. Food Party (pizza,lasagne, shawarma,quesadilla, veg salads and more..)

9. Videoke with the whole family including relatives

10. Giving 360 under privilege moms beauty kits with perfume.

11. Free Haircut to all Senior Citizen.

12. Giving 360 under privilege kids toys.

13. Giving 360 under privilege Dads Loot Bags with Father like goodies.

14. Non Stick Pans Set✔

15. Umbrella (SHEDRAIN)

16. Pizza Slicer

17. microwave oven✔

18. washing machine

19. study table

20. Free Standing Floor Mirror

21. Camera can be use for blogging

(second hand/brand new)

22. Ni-MH charger for AA batteries

23. Ring light 26 cm✔

24. oversized women sunglasses (black)

25. Solo Travel in Holy Land

26. Into the night Fragrance (Bath & Body Works)

27. S n R Pizza/ Shakeys Pizza

28. 9 inches Burger by Casa Verde

29. Lasagne✔

30. JM Shawarma/ Turks✔

31. Mang Inasal/Ribshack✔

32. TV✔

33. 12 pcs. Saang

34. Fish Fillet/grilled Fish

35. Pochero

36. Grilled Squid/Calamares

Hope good things are going to happen..

#st.claus

#joyfulgiver

#sponsor

#fairygodmother

#giftgiver

#onceinabluemoon

#freewish

#wishkolang

#kindhearts

#millionairespick

#hapinessshowcase

After 4 years... Putting check mark for wish granted.

[j-banks-blog]

I miss those times that I laught so hard that seems like I cried..

I miss those times that I just stroll and never mind time goes by..

I miss those times that having long sensible conversation with a friend..

I miss those time that cuddle makes me fall asleep faster..

I miss those time that I received unexpected invitation to go out and chill..

I miss those time that going to church for a mass and eating streetfood or fastfood after.

I miss those time that we talk nothing then laughing reminiscing..

Most especially I miss MYSELF.. Hope you are here😥

#lost

#inpain

#strugglingbattle

#hopeless

#useless

#noonecares

#onmyown

[j-banks-blog]

I am just human with emotions.. with ambitions.. with frustrations.. fighting battles..

[j-banks-blog]

Suffer in Silence...

but I did the opposite.. can't contain.

#releasinganger

#stress

#hormonals