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j-fanpage · 2 years

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i dont think you truly understand just how much you mean to me /nm. i could get into our entire friendship's history and everything, but i honestly just wanna talk about today specifically.

while i was at the store this morning buying food, i called you and honestly did not expect you to pick up—not for any bad reason, i just figured you'd be away from the phone or possibly still waking up. hearing your voice again after so long felt like i could finally breathe again. i couldnt be bothered to care about how cheesy i looked, smiling super big and the sticky sweetness laced in my voice because i was just so happy to talk to you i let all my walls down the second i heard you say "hi".

at the train stop i was literally shaking, i almost thought i was gonna puke before realizing i quite literally had nothing in my stomach to do so, so i simply sat there bouncing my leg and willing the train to come sooner.

hugging you was a dream, or very much like one. the only reason (other than the bag of food in my entire arm) i didnt sprint to hug you as soon as i saw you was because i physically could not have at the moment, but i like to hope i made up for it by how tight the hug itself was and how often i hugged you while we were hanging out.

the gifts were absolutely incredible, by the way. im probably never taking this bracelet off & i still need a name for the turtle but i might just name it after one of your blorbos or something <3.

it was a bit of a challenge not asking certain questions, and having to cover up me having been there before (i mean whaaat ive never been there before today wdym), but nevertheless it was hilarious and i loved laughing with you. even when my laugh was wheezing, coughing, loud, annoying, you still made me feel so comfortable i couldnt even care about how i sounded.

the picnic itself was incredible, even if a bit short and we didnt actually finish anything there :') i still enjoyed eating with you, regardless of how difficult it was getting i still felt motivated to keep going by the "you can do it" and "are you okay?"'s, because knowing you care makes things that much easier.

i wanted to immediately say yes when asked to stay for dinner, but i was worried i would be overstaying my welcome and i didnt want to tire you guys out or anything but im really really happy i stayed. i had never had what was served before, i know what it is ofc but i had never actually had it, can definitely say i want to come over the next time dad makes ravioli.

calling your parents mom/dad was really funny, further down its a bit sad to me but i prefer to think about how welcome they made me feel, how kind they were, how fun it was to eat with them and how they didnt judge me or make me feel bad for not eating a lot. i felt bad, because it was amazing and i wouldve loved to have more, but as you know i physically could not but i most definitely wouldve if i could.

i literally started crying in the car because i was so upset that i had to leave, i seriously didnt wanna leave any of you/your family and i cant believe how kind they are. i mean i dont doubt theres things that go on i dont know much about, as is the case in all families, but im still so grateful that i felt so loved there in the simplest yet most beautiful way. it felt like i was actually a part of a family, not just a group of teenage friends or my dads queerphobic family, but i literally felt so much like i was just a part of a family being around yours and so engaged with everyone there. i was kind of really bad at eye contact when it came to your parents, but i still had so much fun talking to them while talking to you and everything.

and yk what i realized when i got home? i went the entire day sober. i will admit, i had a v-pe in my pocket, but only because i put it there by instinct every time i leave the house not because i planned on using it while out. i didnt even use it at the train station while waiting for the train, and the entire time we were together i didnt once think about anything related to it unless i felt it in my pocket for whatever reason.

im just so incredibly grateful to have someone that makes life seem so worth living. i love loving you ❤️.

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