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jacksonandeli · 5 years

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Dateworthy

As I was about to start writing on this topic, I thought I’d do a quick search to see what videos were out there to hopefully verify or dispel my thoughts and discoveries on the world of online dating. I share my discovery later on.

Being what one may label as ‘old fashioned’, the idea of meeting someone significant/special online has never been a priority for me and I often refer to it is as, “a foreign concept”. I will reveal my underlying truth in due course. The reality of it all is that it is normal. All my colleagues (and some friends) who are single, do it. They all talk openly about it, it is not frowned upon and this gave me comfort in giving it a go. In addition, I thought it would be a good topic to write about, so it would be part of my research rather than me living vicariously through others!

Last year sometime, a colleague was showing me the profile of a guy she started chatting to and I remember reading the conversation thinking no one was really saying anything meaningful and she agreed it was boring conversation and didn’t know what to say. ‘Hi, how are you’, ‘what are you doing’, ‘have you had a good day’ kind of talk. So far, I have experienced this meaningless chatter multiple times.

I joined a site about six weeks ago. It’s one where if both parties ‘like’ each other, they match, but then the girl has to make the initial contact to start a conversation. I had no idea when I signed up and I honestly struggle with an opening message that will illicit more of a response than, “great, how was your day?” (I’m rolling my eyes as I type that). The problem could be with my opener, but I said hi, now I expect the guy to do some pursuing!

With all the stereotypes of ‘all guys like younger girls’, ‘all the girls like rich guys’, ‘only the beautiful people connect’ constantly going through my head when I experience some sort of rejection, this TED talk’s data verified it! I also struggle to understand how men choose their online profile pictures. Selfies are often of them half naked, lying in bed or at the gym. Their main picture is often blurry or with hats/caps/hoodies and sunglasses on, or one from ten years prior and then the big reveal of how they really look is at the end very end of their profile. A colleague said all guys look better in real life than they do in their profile. Her rationale (which makes sense) is that guys probably feel weird asking their friends to take a photo of them nor have they mastered how to take a good selfie while girls take selfies all the time or happily have people take their picture. I’m curious to see what other girls’ profiles are look like.

Particularly in our modern day, we are used to endless options and it is so easy to replace things and move on to the next best thing. We are easily distracted. Let’s face it, online profiles are a catalogue of choice at our fingertips and as much as it’s ‘not about looks’, I admittedly swipe left or right often based purely on that. It is so superficial and shallow of me. I took the time to write a short profile, and eight times out of ten (I’m being generous), men don’t – so they are forcing me to make my decision based on appearance and the minimal information provided. To set myself some sort of standard, when I actually look through individual profiles, my deal breakers are smoking (socially or regularly), drinking (regularly), specified religion that is not Christian (faith and belief in God and Jesus are important to me) and if they have cats. Okay, so the cat thing is harsh (I hate cats), so sometimes I ignore that criteria. Dogs are fine. And of course location…I don’t see any real point in trying to connect with someone who lives across the country, or in a different country. This particular app must be popular in the US as there are a lot of American guys (passing through on holiday or for work) who are active on this site. Now, many may know I appreciate an American man…but let’s be realistic people! You are probably wondering why I don’t apply filters on my search. I did, but it made me realise I am so fussy that I limited my options DRASTICALLY.

From the few meaningless or short conversations I’ve had, none have materialised into anything of interest or significance. Two guys ‘unmatched’ me because within two days of exchanging numbers and me not calling and setting a date to meet, they decided I was not interested or worth pursuing. A couple of them actually held decent conversations then ghosted me…so I deleted them. I had one guy ask if I spoke Spanish and when I said no, he deleted me. When I am ‘talking’ to one guy, I tend not to have conversations with any others so that my attention is not diverted. I know I have no commitment to any of the guys, neither do they to me, but I’m not on the app to make more friends, I am investing in meeting a special person, this is likely me perhaps being naïve and inexperienced.

Now my intention is not to hold endless text conversations, I know my imagination can run wild and I do not want to create the ‘perfect’ man in my head and have any sort of emotional attachment. I will be doing a disservice to the guy if I meet him and I don’t give him the opportunity to reveal his true self to me and I would also be setting myself up for disappointment if he isn’t all the things I ‘created’ him to be and worse yet, if he doesn’t like me back. Self-preservation and guarding my heart are important. Text, phone call, then a date if we both feel there is an ounce of spark – all needs to happen relatively quickly.

The underlying truth I referred to earlier, my fears in this whole experience is rejection and validation of my insecurities. Why would I subject myself to scrutiny, criticism, body shaming, ridicule and allow myself to be reduced to an option in a catalogue. Being exposed and vulnerable to a world of people I may or may not ever meet, where judgement is made in a split second, with no means of me knowing or being able to defend myself is terrifying. My insecurity of not looking like a model is magnified when a guy has expressed interest in me from a head shot and I potentially am a disappointment to him. This feeds the belief that girls learn to love, where guys can learn to love but need an element of physical attraction from the onset. There I said it…

Someone once told me to capitalise on my assets, as in embrace my ethnicity and body shape because there are guys out there that love my ‘type’! Haha!

A friend said it will take several bad experiences before someone interesting comes along. I’m impatient. She said not to give up. I haven’t deleted the app yet, I’m trying to be more optimistic and thick-skinned. I told someone this week that my greatest fear is regret. I do not want to regret having never tried. So this is me trying. Not very hard, but I’m trying!

If you haven’t listened to the TED talk I mentioned earlier yet, go ahead and do it now. After listening to it, it gave me a tiny glimmer of hope and faith in the system. The research verifies all the stereotypes of online dating, it highlights and acknowledges the human fear of rejection, but it also encourages and instils hope in the system with patience, perseverance and the power of using our words well.

There is so much more I want to write about this, so consider this topic ‘to be continued’. You never know, there may a ‘success story’ to follow ;)

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jacksonandeli · 5 years

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Imposter syndrome at its best

I recently read a blog by Mark Manson titled 5 Skills to Help You Develop Emotional Intelligence, which fuelled me to write this paper. Following my blog on Women in leadership, I received a response that included this paragraph: “The average age of FTSE 100 CEO’s is something like 55 years old. At the end of 2018 there were only six female CEOs in the FTSE 100. For someone like you in their twenties, you have thirty years before you reach the average age of a CEO. Do you have to wait for those thirty years before it is mandated that you get a seat at the table, or should you get the support now so that when the time comes, you are ready and deserving to assume such a role? My opinion – as you may guess – is the latter. In the absence of this support, I can only recommend that we all have to take ownership of our own careers irrespective of gender or ethnicity.” This snippet particularly, elicited a variety of emotions and magnified my imposter syndrome.

I may have misread that, but I thought he implied I could be a CEO! Please burst my bubble if that is not what he implied! I have no desire to be a CEO – my ambition does not lie in climbing the corporate ladder. One of my God fearing, faith-filled friends refers to my successes as ‘favour’. I agree with her. Being an ISFJ personality type, I can confidently say that I am loyal and hardworking. My loyalty, work ethic, integrity and hard work has resulted in favour and responsibility. What drives me is learning. I will do almost anything if it means I am learning something. I will not shy away from a challenge where I know I will acquire new skills.

This is where my topic comes in. We all know that our intelligence quotient (IQ) is a measurement of our intelligence. I remember at school we all had to do an IQ test. We were all allocated a desk in the massive school hall and given a series of tests to do over a period of time. The worst part of it all was that you were NEVER given your result – not sure why. Parents were called into a meeting and the direction of the conversation would be dictated by their children’s scores. All I remember was that my parents were bombarded with many unaffordable add-ons to my already academic schedule that would supposedly position me more favourably within the community and future universities (ultimately making my school look good). My parents made the wise choice to let me choose. I chose none of them and I like to think I turned out fine!

Emotional intelligence (EI) surfaced circa 1990s and became somewhat of a buzzword; it is defined by www.mindtools.com as “the ability to recognize your emotions, understand what they're telling you, and realize how your emotions affect people around you. It also involves your perception of others: when you understand how they feel, this allows you to manage relationships more effectively”. Daniel Goleman, an American psychologist further researched this and concluded there are five elements to it.

Rather than me repeating what the research says, go ahead and read more about this topic.

After reading Mark’s article, one thought lead to another and my conclusion is that I am likely to be more emotionally intelligent than intellectually intelligent. I laugh when people make casual comments or outright tell me they think I am smart (I get that the word ‘smart’ is very American, but I think its lets pompous than saying “I’m intelligent”). My imposter syndrome is magnified in these instances. In my head, my enthusiasm to work, work ethic, tenacity, ability to hold a conversation and perseverance to improve things is a great disguise for my lack of intellect. I may be doing myself more harm by declaring all of this and risk my readers misinterpreting what I am meaning to say. I was using a dictionary to choose my words for this paper (and it is evident there are no big words here).

Perhaps being articulate is associated with being educated, being educated is associated with being smart/intelligent. But education is also privilege; however, I don’t believe those who don’t have access to this privilege are not smart. I think reading contributes to articulation and making you more informed. I read a lot.

Reading all of this back, all my insecurities revealed. Imposter syndrome at its best. Because despite it all, I know I am mostly competent. I know my strengths, my weaknesses. I am a work in constant progress.

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jacksonandeli · 5 years

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Milestone birthdays (and the anxiety it brings)

This month (and it’s only week two) has seen two milestone birthdays in my work place, a few more birthdays past and still to come, a retirement celebration and two colleagues going on maternity leave. April is a busy month socially in the office, you would think from all the balloons, confetti and squeals, we were a party company.

The celebration of my colleague’s 30th birthday is what inspired this week’s topic.

Growing up, birthday parties weren’t a ‘big’ thing in my family. When I look back at old photos, my parents took photos of both my brother and my first birthdays, and I recall one or two other photos of odd birthdays. And the people in the photo were just family.

My thirteenth and sixteenth birthday ‘party’ were at home with my family, and my best friend from school – she was the same friend at 13 and 16. I recall, we first met on my first day of reception.

My brother had a ‘big’ party that included a disco for his sixteenth birthday – the time an older boy (17) asked my thirteen year old self to slow dance…sigh.

21 saw another big celebration for my brother and a surprise party for me. A huge party! Friends and family, totalling nearly 80 people! I was mortified. I actually disappeared after the cake cutting for a couple of hours and no one noticed.

My dad was a big believer in not only celebrating and spoiling loved ones on special occasions. If you loved them, you loved them every day and the ‘spoils’ could and would be random, when you least expected it. Sure birthdays and Christmas were special, but one or two gifts were plenty.

My dad worked late on Wednesdays, this is the night when he would go out make deliveries and see customers. I would try and wait up for him, because many times he’d come home with something special for me, whether it be a luxurious Cote D’Or elephant shaped chocolate, or the one time he brought me back a pink musical pencil box. Sometimes there wasn’t anything.

For me personally, birthdays are overrated. It is a day I am reminded I’m getting older – rapidly! I have no desire to be the centre of attention or having a fuss being made over me. Is it because my parents told me I was special every day? Or is it because I am ageing quicker than I’d like? Am I just a miserable melancholic individual? And why would a milestone birthday be any different from any other birthday? What is a 21, 30, 40, or 50 year old supposed to be celebrating – what is the success measure? Having lived to tell the tale? If birthdays are special, every year should be special!

Now I say all of the above, however, my behaviour is very contradictory. I love to celebrate other people’s birthdays! Whether it is a milestone birthday or just any other birthday. My rationale behind this is because I would be considered a psycho (and be broke) if I randomly appeared to people and gave them gifts/spoiled them for no particular reason. So I wait for the one day to make up for all the randomness I would’ve otherwise shown throughout the year. It’s reason to celebrate someone for who they are, not because of their age!

I think the anxiety that comes with each milestone is as a result of not knowing what to wear (as is the case with my colleague), or not having achieved what a 30, 40, 50, etc. is supposed to achieve according to what society says we should have a achieved by that age – a spouse, kids, a house, grandchildren, a fancy title, debt free, sophisticated, smarter, thinner, wiser, richer.

I’m a cynic when it comes to a lot of things, I’m the party pooper, worst case scenario dame and control freak in every group. But somehow, people still like me. Perhaps it’s because I like celebrating their birthdays, or perhaps it’s me conforming to the status quo, being a hypocrite and celebrating what society says should be celebrated?

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jacksonandeli · 5 years

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Making decisions

I made a decision last night to have an early night (it was actually because I had a pounding headache) and rise at my normal 6am even though it was a Saturday. I had all these good intentions to then focus on writing this paper – it’s now 5pm and I’m still trying to get started.

This week’s topic is appropriate particularly because it had me making a ‘big’ decision; do I stay in my current job or take the somewhat attractive offer made to me by another company, a competitor.

One would think I’ve lost sleep over this decision based on my confusion and frustration on what the best choice would be, but I didn’t. I will proceed to explain why I slept really well at night.

Of course I discussed this with my inner circle of close friends as well as a few trusted colleagues including my boss, and sure the decision was easy for them as it wasn’t really them needing to make the decision. Taking into account what everyone had to say, I think their decisions were based on how they perceived the options to serve their personal circumstance – I say this as this is how I was processing the decision. I feel bad for asking for advice with no real intention of taking it as I am making the decision for myself, but I asked people and listened to them as they gave me perspective.

I wrote down what I considered the pros and cons of my decision. My colleague, Chris, suggested I do a force field analysis – rating each pro and con, ten being the highest I valued the point and one being the least. My decision was clear and in my heart I knew it would be the same outcome, but doubting myself a little, I talked it through further with a few more people I trusted.

As part of my research to write this paper, I came across two TED talks. One that I thought was relevant to general decisions and the other which articulated my predicament perfectly.

The first talk by Tom Griffiths, he speaks about the “explore/exploit trade off – think like a computer”. He gives the example of choosing a restaurant to eat at. Depending on how much time you have – short, exploit, stick to what you know. More time, explore – increase your information bank to improve your choices in the future. His point rings true, the value of your decision increases the more often you are going to use it.

Listening to the second talk by Ruth Chang felt like she knew me, speaking to me and understood the dilemma I found myself in to a T! She says easy decisions are easy because it is clear which the ‘better’ choice is. Hard choices are as a result of how the alternative relates, it’s hard because there isn’t one best option; the decision needs to be made between two equally good options.

I like how Ruth says because of fear (of the unknown) it often leads us to choose the safest option. I am guilty of choosing to do the things I know I will succeed in rather than things I am uncertain of succeeding in.

Having read the comments following Ruth’s talk, it was quite surprising to me how many people disagreed with her ultimate message. She says, “We create reasons ourselves to make ourselves”. Because of who we are, our personal values, beliefs, morals; when we have to make a hard choice between two equally good options, we need to put ourselves behind the option. Like my previous papers/posts, my actions, reactions, opinions, behaviours, views, perspective, beliefs, values, motivations and decision making is all shaped and moulded by who I am from my own experience of life, the world and people. This may not make a lot of sense reading it back, but it makes perfect sense to me! Ruth goes on to say to “defend your moral integrity”, it’s our responsibility.

I won’t say what decision I have made about my job yet. But I’ve made my decision based on the benefits to me for a personal short term goal. Not only for the short term, but because it most suits my personality, who I am and what makes me tick. This may be me speaking in code, but those who know me well, will know of what I speak and most likely what my decision is. The decision was in my gut from the onset, that’s why I slept well. A large part of my decision was me being responsible and ‘defending my moral integrity’, that’s the least I can do for myself.

I feel the TED talk by Ruth is the true ‘opinion’ (i.e. content of this week’s paper) for this week.

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jacksonandeli · 6 years

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Lessons I wish I learned in school

When I was in school, entering (the equivalent of) Year 8, was a big year of decisions. Decisions on what subjects you would choose to continue studying and what subjects you were going to ‘drop’ (the most exciting decision for me!). Although I felt I was making ‘big decisions’ about my future, my school had required a minimum of two languages, mathematics, and accounting all as mandatory; my choice was only to select two more subjects out of a limited selection. Group one: Geography, history or biology. Group two: Business economics or Science. I was under the impression, unless you knew what you wanted to do after school, your best choice if you didn’t was to select science from group two as a safety net, in conjunction with mathematics, you had more career choice options. I loved biology and my plan was to go into some sort of medicine. I really disliked geography so was ecstatic I could ‘drop’ it. I also went on to choose science because I thought business economics was boring – just a whole lot of reading, memorising and regurgitating. I requested to do a seventh subject, history, but the uptake was too low, so I did it for one term. In addition to my now six subjects, I did Chinese language and religious education as mandatory non-academic subjects (my school was somewhat academic driven, or was it my parents?), I was thriving at my piano theory and practical grades, I played tennis three afternoons a week and my weekend ‘out of school activity’ was playing basketball for a club.

Prior to the big decisions, in addition to doing all the above subjects, girls had home economics and boys had woodwork as extra subjects. Now for me, home economics was a walk in the park. My mum being the practical person she was, taught all these skills to us at home. Sewing, knitting, embroidery, baking, basic cooking, you name it, I knew it and so did my brother! I never did woodwork, but I’m not so sure my brother did either as DIY is definitely not his forte (it wasn’t my dad’s either!)!

As busy as school life was and what is often seen as a time to learn, there are things, as an adult now, that I wish we learned whilst we were in school. I don’t feel school or university really prepared me for the decisions I would need to make as an adult.

One of the first lessons I learnt when I was in university was that studying the night before would not cut it if you had any hope in passing an exam! Why did they not tell me that in school? Not that it is a life skill, but forward planning and preparing me for university would have been helpful!

I wish that in school, career advice was not limited to the usual vocational options like teaching, doctor, lawyer, nurse, accountant, but rather within those vocations, the variety of roles that lead to, or support those specific functions. By Year 10, I had my heart set on physiotherapy, not for any reason apart from spending a lot of time getting treatment for regular chest infections. My limited view of what a physiotherapist did contributed to my decision to choose it.

No one told me four years in university was worth it if you spent the rest of your life working. I wanted to finish studying as soon as possible and face the big bad world. As soon as I did, any friends that were still studying, my advice to them was to stay a student for as long as possible!

Apart from all the above that seems somewhat trivial in the grand scheme of things, the one thing that I wish I knew more about; that stumbling across later in life is almost ‘too late’ to sort out, is pensions, retirement annuities, insurance, the future. Is it perhaps seen as a parent’s responsibility to do this? My working class parents provided the best care they possibly could for me, they clothed me, fed me, cared for me, got me an education, encouraged tertiary education, but never spoke about money in the way of long term planning and retirement.

All I know is that my parents worked hard and the plan was for me, as the youngest in my family, to finish high school and my parents were going to retire and travel. What a great plan! My parents would be in their early 50s and retiring! But, life happened. My dad fell ill, he had no medical insurance and he had to rely on others to run his business. When my dad passed away, my mum was left with two teenage children, thousands of pounds worth of medical bills, a business she had no idea how to run and investments that had ‘disappeared’ – my only knowledge of the disappearance is that my dad used these to pay for his treatment and our education.

Moving abroad after university was a big step for me. Apart from wanting to see the world through my own eyes, a big reason was I needed to know I could ‘make it’ on my own. That I could make decisions and function as an adult with no dependencies on anyone. I love my mum and do not blame her for anything, but I saw her struggles and vowed not to find myself in the same position as a result of respecting culture and tradition. I have gone out and seen the world with my own eyes, I make decisions daily, but my lack of knowledge and planning for the future and only realising it now makes me nervous at times. So really, this is a note to my future self to talk to my children about money!

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jacksonandeli · 6 years

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Modern day relationships (and music)

A broad topic – friendships, romantic relationships, work relationships, cue music and we have a movie that is somewhat predictable but offers great entertainment at those you’re watching’s expense.

A few years ago, my mum went through a very short phase of blaming herself for my brother and my singleness; thinking we lacked the social skills to meet a significant other. As funny as that sounds, she wanted grandbabies and neither of us were ready to give them to her, let alone be in meaningful or promising relationship. Soon after, my brother sorted that out and I was off the hook!

Like many fathers, my dad forbid me from dating until I finished school. Knowing this was the rule and being the obedient child that I was, I never entertained it. Sure I fancied the jock, the nerd, the new boy in school and went to all the school dances and socials, but I can honestly say, not once did I feel like I was missing out. My friends were all having meltdowns and fighting with each other on who fancied who first. Having that mind-set, entering university and focussing on going abroad and travelling, boys remained at the bottom of my priorities. Every father’s dream, right?

Watching programmes like Friends painted the picture of what adult friendships should be like, in my late teens and early adulthood it felt like that my adult life was heading that way. I was part of a tight knit group who had different interests, jobs, backgrounds, aspirations but enough similarities for it to just work.

I’ve always been interested in people, especially if they were different. Different in culture, upbringing, ethnicity. When I finished university and went abroad to America, again my exposure and experience of different people shaped my tolerance and perspective. I met people in different settings, socialised with a lot more older and younger people. I mention these instances, because like most of my opinions or thoughts, I believe I have them because of my exposure and experience.

I read something years ago, or perhaps it was someone’s words of wisdom to me, that I needed to view friendships/relationships like an investment. If I am constantly putting in to it and there is no return, it’s a poor investment. Sometimes it requires more of me and sometimes there is more in it for me. About three years ago, I made a commitment to only arrange and agree to meeting up with people I really wanted to spend time with. This freed up a lot more of my time and budget; not having superficial chit chat and mindless conversations for the sake of it; and as a result I have a handful (which these days is a lot) of rock solid, dependable and loyal friends.

I still love meeting new people, and London is a great place to meet people of diversity, and yes, there is always room for more friends, but I choose carefully who to let into my ‘inner circle’ of trust!

When it comes to working relationships, I see these as needing to be professional and respectable – working together doesn’t always mean playing together. I think the playing together sometimes puts strain on working relationships and can affect the way we work together (yes, it also could be a benefit). Sure the odd occasion celebrating a colleague’s birthday, going for drinks and the annual Christmas party is a good way to get to know each other and relax, especially since we spend most of our time together, but I find the one thing in common (work) tends to dominate most conversations…booooring!

My mum is an ironer, she irons everything from bedsheets, pyjamas and underwear. Growing up, even going to the grocery store, we’d have combed our hair and our clothes were ironed and presentable. For my mum, the way we are seen and behave is a reflection of her parenting, perhaps a personal issue for her, but I always think about this and think, would my parents be proud? So I approach my behaviour towards others, respecting my elders, engaging with younger people and work ethic on that.

When it comes to relationships with the opposite sex, I think I am the only unmarried adult in the world that hasn’t tried online dating and thinks it is a weird way to meet someone. Perhaps my ‘perfect’ childhood, watching princess movies and reading fairy tales has tainted my view of reality. I’m somewhat of a traditionalist, call me old fashioned, my knight in shining armour shall find me and it will require as little effort on my part as possible. Feel free to wish me luck with this!

In this modern day, I think things are too accessible and easy to escape. Divorces are easier to get, online dating offers a catalogue of options that you can pick and discard and no one needs to know about it. Who needs human contact when the internet allows you to engage with others and the world without ever combing your hair and ironing your clothes?

I read a book called #Struggles, living in a selfie centred world by Craig Groeschel. And there were a few stand outs for me. He writes about a study where a group of people’s moods are assessed before and then 20 minutes after being on social media and majority of them felt ‘more depressed’ and lonely afterwards. Another study of young people evidenced how they prepared a script when calling and ordering pizza because they were so anxious about not being in control of their conversation – these days with texting and caller and ID, you are always in control. He mentions the days when caller ID did not exist and the phone would ring, you would answer not knowing who was on the other end and you were actually able to hold an impromptu conversation.

I realise I have now gone over my paper limit and have mentioned the word “music”, all but once (and now twice excluding the title).

One often hears of people saying ‘this is our song’, I understand that songs can remind one of people and events in their life. I recently watched a Grey’s Anatomy episode where a man started singing a song to a lady who was suffering with Alzheimer’s and as a result she remembered her wedding day and that the man was her husband. I remember the first time a seventeen year old boy asked my thirteen year old self to slow dance at my brother’s sixteenth birthday party, the song was Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now by Starship.

Whenever the song, Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol comes on, I immediately think of my Canadian friend – why, I don’t know. I don’t know the lyrics or what they mean, but they remind me of my friend.

The Barry Manilow song, “Oh Mandy” is really annoying. I have had this song sung to me in so many ways, I don’t know all the lyrics, but why do people think they are charming when they sing it to me? Don’t they realise someone else thought of that idea before.

The very first album my mum bought me was, True Blue by Madonna. I remember the cover, I remember the excitement, and I remember learning the lyrics to every song. Thinking about it, did I understand them? I would say no. I mean, the lyrics of ‘Like a Virgin’, I had no idea what she or I was singing about, but it was MADONNA!

My very first concert, Indecent Obsession, I mean with a name like that and with their first song release titled ‘Kiss Me’, what was my mum thinking allowing me to go! Did I realise the meaning of their name and what the song was about, I don’t think so! But I remember the tune/melody and it was my first concert with friends.

According to researchers at mind.org, they found that music releases dopamine, the feel-good chemical in your brain. It also found that dopamine was up to 9% higher when volunteers listened to music that they enjoyed. So having fond memories associated to music can only be a win-win!

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jacksonandeli · 6 years

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Positive Psychology

Is positive psychology merely the shifting of one’s perspective to see life from a positive light? Research defines the field as being founded on the belief that people want to lead meaningful and fulfilling lives; that people want to cultivate what is best within themselves and to enhance their experiences of work and play.

Having read several articles, and from general observation of friends, family and colleagues, an injection of positivism and gratitude always seems to change the mood or outlook on something that was all ‘doom and gloom’ to start with. By no means do I think negating negative emotions is the way forward as some experiences that call for sadness, anger, disgrace, etc makes us more empathetic, grateful, resilient and compassionate; makes us more balanced and makes us human!

According to psychologist, Christopher Peterson, positive psychology focuses “on strengths instead of weakness, building the good in life instead of repairing the bad, and taking the lives of average people up to “great” instead of focusing solely on moving those who are struggling up to “normal”. It is therefore fair to say that it focuses on positive experiences, positive traits/states and applying positive principles within organisations.

Practicing gratitude has been frequently mentioned as a big contributor to happiness. Acts of kindness, volunteering time to a cause and spending money on others have all proven to result in greater happiness to those giving it. I think it is fair to conclude that when you focus on others, you are more likely to be happier and fulfilled. This could be an expression of gratitude - ‘grateful’ to have enough (time, money, resource, etc) for yourself that you are able to be generous with it to someone else.

A bit like the well-known Maslow Hierarchy of Needs, motivation increases as needs are met in the final stage of self-actualisation. Growth needs do not stem from a lack of something, but rather from a desire to grow as a person. Once these growth needs have been reasonably satisfied, one may be able to reach the highest level of self-actualisation.

Every person is capable and has the desire to move up the hierarchy toward a level of self-actualisation. Unfortunately, progress is often disrupted by a failure to meet lower level needs. Life experiences, including divorce and loss of a job, may cause an individual to fluctuate between levels of the hierarchy.

I recently attended a talk by Dr Robi Sonderegger, a Clinical Psychologist renowned for “taking psychology from the frontline to the home front™”, he presented on the topic of trauma and the take away I took was his explanation of the cycle of trauma. He explained that the recurring effect of a traumatic event, whether it be a death in the family or being a war survivor, is a result of how the event made you feel, which then led you to react before thinking and processing your thoughts. He suggested that if you thought and processed the way the event made you feel before allowing it to trigger a reaction, your feelings wouldn’t continuously be of despair and helplessness which often leads to depression. Although not directly linked to positive psychology, the concept of thinking or seeing things from a different perspective, perhaps more rationally, ultimately affects your reaction or constant reaction thereafter and help you overcome the trauma.

On a trip to India, seeing all the people, particularly the kids living on the street; their smiles were genuine, they were happy. It is likely that they don’t know a life any better or different which is why they find joy in the smaller, simpler things of life. Sometimes, with less we don’t get greedy, distracted and obsessed with having more so finding simple joys is easier.

Last year at a conference hosted by the Reset and the Home Office on Community Sponsorship, I had the privilege of speaking at a session to government officials from various countries. In a nutshell, community sponsorship is a Home Office initiative for local communities to sponsor a refugee family and help resettle them in the UK. At the time, having recently visited Brazil, when I spoke to official from Brazil, I was curious as to how he thought Brazil would be a great country to implement this initiative. From the poverty and lack of infrastructure I saw, I thought it would be a long shot. His response was surprisingly optimistic and unconventional. He said that despite the lack of infrastructure, healthcare and education, Brazilians were a natural community. Without any agenda, Brazilians helped people in their community. He totally believed that the love, support and generosity and resource from the local community, people would be happy and live happy lives. As simple as that sounds, it could be true.

With all the science and research behind it, the practice of positive psychology seems simple and easy if we don’t allow our ‘self’ to be a distraction.

THANK YOU for reading my assignment! Thank you for empowering and giving me a platform to express my opinions and thoughts. Chris, I am grateful for colleagues like you. See what I did there ;)

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jacksonandeli · 6 years

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Women in leadership

Having recently read an article on Forbes about the ‘Biggest Challenges Women Leaders Face And How To Overcome Them’, thinking about this as a female recently appointed in leadership in the workplace, I used my personal perspective to see how it aligned with what the article was saying. I’ve used some of the points from this article to frame this assignment.

Being treated equally - This is an ongoing eternal debate that I believe is for another discussion. I think a lot of decisions and behaviours are not always intentional, but rather a learnt reflex based on how you’ve been moulded by your upbringing, culture and society; your frame of reference.

Building a sisterhood - I’m all for women empowerment and ‘getting the girls together’ to conquer the world, however, this seems more relevant for humanitarian issues, events, and getting things done where there isn’t a hierarchy, a prize and ultimately recognition from the boss (often male). From personal experience and observations within the workplace and in organisations where I volunteer, women in power can be ruthless, manipulative and deceiving. The competition is fierce on an even playing field, confidence goes up and often times it’s to prove you’re better than your sisters to some male in power. Women have agendas and they often use their sisterhood to achieve them.

Being confident and speaking up - It is easier said than done. Again personally, I think I’ve mastered portraying confidence. The truth is every time I open my mouth, share a thought or opinion, I feel like I am having to prove myself – I rarely go into a meeting and ‘wing it’, I plan, think and rehearse my words. My heart pounds when I open my mouth in front of my peers. Is this because I am female? Why would my opinion be any less relevant? Is this because I often find myself in a male dominated environment? Do men feel the same way? Or are these just my insecurities having fun. I sometimes listen to men in meetings and wonder, “Am I the only one that thinks he’s winging it?” I do believe speaking up gains attention, speaking truth with intent and relevance gains respect.

Many of the ‘issues’ in the article appear to be confidence related. Do women have more insecurities than men and do we think about them more than men do? Is it just in our DNA to do that?

I am pro women in leadership, it gives me aspiration, motivation and inspiration to be better. Not necessarily just to be better at my job, but to be better at leading myself. When I lead myself well, I walk with more confidence in who I am and that then has a positive effect on my work. I think every women IS a leader, she has herself to lead daily and it’s a choice on how she embraces this responsibility.

Perhaps it’s having grown up in a traditional gender stereo typical home, and culturally where the male is the head, brings home the bacon, and the woman looks after the home and children. Having said that, my father died when I was 13 and I had my mother ‘lead’ our household.

I wonder if my upbringing influenced the way I think and view women in leadership. I saw my mother’s struggles and without sounding cruel and demeaning, I did not want to struggle the same way. I wanted to be independent, I wanted to ask questions, I wanted to find out for myself, I wanted to have a say, I didn’t want to be told what to do, and I wanted to make my own informed decisions. I’ve gone out and done that, but have I asked the right questions, have I sought the influences and sources of information in the right places. Or would my upbringing with my father around have made me ask different questions and approach life differently? Have my ‘daddy issues’ made me the look to men in the workplace as father figures and therefore find it easier to yield and be submissive. Has my upbringing moulded my views and beliefs in gender stereotypes?

I believe women and men bring different things to the table. Their contributions will be from experiences, hearsay, research, learnings, background, upbringing, DNA, etc. If I were brought up in a female dominated culture and household, would my contribution to the workplace and society be different? Is this overall topic just another thing society found worth debating?

Then there’s what the bible says, 1 Timothy 2:12 - I do not permit a woman to teach or to exercise authority over a man; rather, she is to remain quiet. 1 Corinthians 14:34 - The women should keep silent in the churches. For they are not permitted to speak, but should be in submission, as the Law also says. Some people take these verses literally. I have discussed this with several people and rationale varies; it will be one of those questions I ask God when I see Him. What my thoughts on this are that what the bible says is valid in the context of the time it was written and said. Just like today, society and all is discoveries and new concepts, issues are discussed in a different light because of the context and time in which we now live.

Is a woman in leadership more effective than a man in leadership, I believe this is a personal decision. Do I like being a woman in leadership, no, I prefer to see it as being a woman of influence.

Note that none of my views can be backed up by evidence, nor did I base my statements on research and fact. This has merely been an exercise of personal reflection and thoughts about this topic.

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