jadesbrain

[jadesbrain]

While all physicians are doctors, not all doctors are physicians

[jadesbrain]

20240424

i think that i want to be a therapist. i really enjoy helping people and being there for them and being a safe space for them to let emotions out. i am also trying to decide on a job that will allow me to work remotely for when my son and future children go to school. i think me becoming a therapist is kind of hypocritical because i dont go to therapy myself as much as i need to. maybe in the future i will try but i cannot open up to people. i downplay my emotions so severely i almost gaslight myself into thinking that nothing is wrong with me. but the diagnosed depression, insomnia, anxiety, and ptsd obviously say differently. i want my kids to go to therapy to talk to someone outside of the house and have an adult to actually listen and help them aside from my husband and me. im not saying i wont do that for them but maybe they dont want to come to me because they fear judgement or i did something for them not to trust me which i hope never actually happens. i want my children to have better emotional and mental health than i ever had and to actually get the help they need when they need it. i had a friend call me today stressed and heartbroken and she just needed someone to talk to, if i can be that person for people then i will gladly do so.

[jadesbrain]

20240412

my husband is away on a work trip so now im just home with my son. it's not terrible but whenever my husband is here im not so paranoid. i know my son is okay in his crib while he's asleep but my mind makes up these scenarios of him accidentally suffocating or choking or anything that could happen. of course he has a baby monitor and i am constantly checking it to make sure he's okay. he turns 2 in july and im already planning his party. it might be mickey mouse themed or just disney because he loves disney movies.. my days consist of constantly cleaning and trying to pick up. im trying to clean a room day by day so that when my husband gets back from his work trip the house will look really good. i wont be getting rid of anything until he gets back home and we can go through it together. he bought my son an outdoor playset but he wants to set it up when he gets home. the past couple of days have just ben going by. we do the same thing everyday. my sons eating schedule got thrown off due to his teething but we're getting back on it. as soon as he wakes up i change his diaper and get him milk. i put on a movie or show for him and i get to go back to sleep for a little bit. then we head downstairs and wait until lunch time. while we're downstairs i eat breakfast and thats usually a bagel with cream cheese and he'll have a snack. then lunch time comes and he gets fruit on the side and he typically eats pretty good. afterwards he will sign all done and then i sweep and clean his high chair trays. but while im doing that he likes to help me mop so i'll spray the floor with very diluted fabuloso and he will do that. then i'll get his milk ready, change his diaper, and have him lay down for a nap. he sleeps for about 2 hours and then i take my downtime and play video games for about an hour. when he wakes up he gets a snack from his snack cabinet and i'll put on another movie while i clean. about an hour to an hour and a half before dinner we go for a walk and go to the park. then i get home and make him dinner then figure out something for myself. after he eats he still has about 30 minutes to an hour before bedtime and thats enough time for his food to digest. then if it's bath night i get his milk warmed up and then we head upstairs and i get everything else set up(pajamas, lotion, diaper, toothbrush, and towel) and then we start bathtime. after bath i get him dressed and then we rock while he falls asleep. after he falls asleep i pick up a little bit more and then go play video games. i've been in a kinda big depression funk lately but i'm trying to pull myself out of it. my son asking to go on walks and wanting to get out of the house kinda of helps but i really do miss my husband. my family lives in another state so i cant just drive to go see them and my in laws are only 2.5 hours away but i still struggle staying there after everything thats happened. i thought about staying with them for a few days after i get my house cleaned up but i dont know when that will be. i miss my husband so much.

[jadesbrain]

20240406

i am still stuck begging. still longing for something that will never be. things arent getting any better. we're still constantly arguing about things that dont need to be argued over and if you asked him he would just say that it's my fault. that im the one causing all the arguments due to my constant complaining and nagging. but he doesn't clean unless i hold his hand to help him, he doesnt help pick up or even pick up his own things. he literally told me he needs me to guide him in order for him to clean his own house. i am not going to mother him. i am not going to raise a grown man. im already raising our son. tonight i cleaned almost the entirety of downstairs by myself. moved the couch, swept, mopped, dishes, sippy cups, high chair tray and the cover, moved everything by the stairs, and wiped off the dining room table. i know since i stay home all of this should have already been done but it gets so overwhelming. i clean one thing, move onto the next, and then the last thing i cleaned is already dirty again. and i know having a mini tornado running around doesnt really help but he really just tears up the living room and his room but his room is always the cleanest in the house. honestly, life would have been easier had i kept my job. my husband and i might not be married but at least i wouldnt be picking up after two children. im so tired. i have been thinking about taking my life quite frequently. some days it seems so peaceful. just to die. to not have to beg, expect, or try to get my husband to act like he's in love with me. in death, i wouldnt have to beg anyone to help me around the house or have to constantly push through days where i want to hide away and never see the light of day again. other days it's not so bad. the days my son and i go to the park and he actually eats breakfast(he's teething rn), and we stick to the little schedule i made for us. the days my husband makes an effort to show his appreciation for what i do for our family and at leasts thanks me for the workload i carry and the mental burden of everything else. i am constantly going back and forth with myself about whether i should just take my life or not. theres nothing left in my marriage for me to hold onto. the love, the passion, the care.. it's all gone. sure if i did kill myself they might blame my depression or ptsd or even my bpd. but it's not any of that. it's the abuse when i was 7 and begging for a family. it's begging to be seen as a daughter by my stepdad while his daughters came to visit for the summer, constantly wondering why i was a bandage instead of a daughter. it's watching my mom become a borderline alcoholic and becoming addicted to smoking while i barely had money in my lunch account, staying home to watch my brother because she couldnt afford the after school care and no one else could watch him. it's being told that nothing was wrong with me all these years while i had 4 suicide attempts between the ages of 13-17. it's trusting someone to take me to see my family and then they shoved my head up to force me to kiss them. it's my great grandma dying within 2 months of that. it's me being raped in my sleep for 2 weeks and then everyone finding out about it. it's me being raped in my sleep again and developing ptsd stemmed insomnia. it's me getting kicked out of my in-laws house with my 6 month old son with no car and no place to go. it's my husband begging me to stay with them after and not caring about my mental health. it's my husband never realizing that i needed him to lean on, his shoulder to cry on. it's my husband making me feel like i am too much and the love i want is too high of expectations. it's me still fighting for him to care about me and love him right. it's my son now being at an age where he doesn't need me anymore. all of this, all the abuse, the rape, the trauma, the begging. for what? just to end up wanting to kill myself and no one realizing. i dont have a plan. i just want to die.

[jadesbrain]

20240327

it's been a really long time since i have been on here. i fell out of love with my husband, back in love and back out again. i am trying to fall back in love but somedays it's really hard and i feel lost. like i'm trying to revive the dead. other times, it feels easy. really it's the little things that stop me from falling in love with him again, at least as deeply as i was. i'm, not saying i want to leave him but i want things to change and for them to stay consistent. of course i know we love eachother but i don't think he's in love with me either. it comes and goes like fleeting glances or secrets. just as soon as they're given they're gone. other times, it's hitting hard. almost like hail on the pavement or how thunder booms. i know there is probably someone else who could give me everything i need emotional wise but i want it to be him so bad. maybe he isn't my person after all this time. maybe i'm not his. it is possible we're just force feeding our souls the love we give to another. it's not easy for our souls to accept it but, what else would they eat? what else would they try to thrive upon if not the love we give each other? i have thought this over so many times but my heart is always torn. i constantly feel like i held/am holding him back from someone he could truly love and caused him to be stuck with someone who he's trying to force himself to see a future with. maybe one day, he could be walking down the street and find himself wishing it was her eyes he could look into at night instead but he's stuck looking into mine. what if there's someone else out there waiting for my soul to meet theirs? i'm too attached to let him go. i couldn't after all this time unless he absolutely wanted me to. it's almost as though we're starving our souls of plentiful love because we got too attached to the other. some days we aren't the plentiful bounty that was promised to us when we were small but instead fighting for whatever scraps are left and i dont want that for him. obviously for myself either but i have no choice. either i become his plentiful bounty or i lose him entirely. would we still be together? i think so. but only physically. there would be no emotional attachments or love, just being. i think in another life we would cross paths but never be more than friends. sometimes i think he would have been better off had he not fallen in love with me. i ruined his life and with that i ended part of mine. i want the love we had when we were working things out. he doesn't seem to want to go back to that though. so i am stuck constantly hoping and waiting for him to realize that i do love him. that it will be a wake up call for him to stop having me to keep reminding him to kiss me when he gets home or before bed. that i miss us showering together and that i will continue to stay home and cater to him for whatever he may need. it's like he knows i won't leave so i'm stuck. leaving my soul to starve by feeding on the scraps of love i once received, begging but never going to be full.

[jadesbrain]

20230103

what makes us human? is it the things we feel such as happiness, anger, sadness, guilt? or is it the things we do like sleeping, meeting new people, connecting, and growing? what makes me human is my hope and fear for the future and the hate of my past, and the gratefulness of my present. when I was in another country for work i thought i was on top of the world. but i did things i am not proud of and hurt a lot of people in doing so. when i found out i was pregnant i wasnt sure who the father was. until he was born. he came out looking exactly like his dad and everyone in the family has been saying so everytime they see our son. i have compared my husbands baby pictures to our son and they are like twins. it is honestly shocking. the only thing my son got from me was my nose and eye shape. one day my husband and i had a conversation and i said if he wanted to get a paternity test then i wouldnt be opposed to doing so. but then that thought left our minds when we went to a family get together for christmas and everyone there kept saying how he looks so much like him. 

 One thing my husband has said is he thinks I am bipolar. I am starting to genuinely believe it. I know I have borderline personality disorder, i have been professionally diagnosed, and I know it gets confused with bipolar. It runs in my family and I believe I had a cousin who was diagnosed with it commit suicide. 

What makes me human is the raw emotions I feel due to my mental illnesses. I feel things so intensely no one else may ever understand. 

[jadesbrain]

20221101

this week i am flying to texas to see my dad. i havent seen him in almost two years due to work schedules and both of us moving. i am excited but kind of nervous because i dont know how it will go. there is a lot of unresolved issues that we have and i dont want that to damage our relationship more than it already has. i am bringing my kid with me so that they can get some quality time together. another family member recently had a baby so i hope i get to see them as well. i cant post or write for a week because im not bringing anything with me to do so. but that’s really all for now. oh next weekend i get to spend it all with my husband so i am super excited.

-jade

[jadesbrain]

20221024

today was my first day back to work and there were so many people. a lot of them were in much higher positions than me too. there was one guy there that was on the same position as i am. he’s really cool though. my bosses are also very caring and actually take time to listen to us when we have issues. my husband works in a different part of the state so i asked my boss if there was anyway for me to transfer over to work with him and he said i have to have a year at that company and then i can transfer and be with my husband. we also have a lactation room and policy says there has to be a fridge in the room. well, there isn’t one. i brought that up to my boss and he said that i do need a fridge so i dont have to store my milk in the break room in case someone takes it or tampers with it. if you tamper with breastmilk you are a different kind of fucked up. anyways, i really like everyone at the company I work for and part of me doesnt want to leave. but i really want my child and i to be able to see my husband and so he can watch our child grow up in person instead of over the phone. i have some paperwork i need to discuss with my mangers but i can only meet with one of them tomorrow. tomorrow i wasnt supposed to come into work but i honestly dont mind. it keeps me out of bed and it helps me keep a schedule. wednesday i am supposed to go into work and i hope i can get some training in on the equipment we use. when i was 17 weeks pregnant my old manager didn’t want me to work on the systems anymore so i forgot pretty much everything when i had opportunities to keep learning more. i dont like being held back but i understand why he did it. the systems can be frustrating and he didnt want me to get so stressed out it causes harm to the baby. i appreciate what he was trying to do i just wish i could’ve had more time on them. i really hope this new job isn’t like my first one. i really do like the guys i work with(im the only female yet again). we were supposed to be getting a new one but im not entirely sure whats going on with her right now. i guess we can play the waiting game lmao

-jade

[jadesbrain]

20221023

it’s been so long since i posted something on this account. so much has changed and happened. i had a baby and i got married to the person i never thought i would actually get to marry. i moved back into the country and am now working somewhere else. my mom and i are talking again. my grandma is coming to visit in a couple of months and my bestfriend from work is my babys godfather. 

i dont think i was meant for this parenting life. at least not yet. i understand that i should have been more careful but i never expected to actually get pregnant. the doctor told me i might not be able to. so i took her words heavy and honestly just began to stop caring about protection and thought me getting pregnant would be a miracle. if this had happened maybe 5 years from now i definitely would have been more prepared and would probably be a better parent. i see all these moms on tiktok and it looks like they have their entire lives put together perfectly. i want to have that life. to not be so mentally ill that I have to lie to stay out of psychwards and not risk losing my job over something i cant control. it is such a burden at times. today i was just in complete depressed slump. i was walking around like a zombie because i didnt want to get out of bed. my doctor said my postpartum depression is adding on to the depression i had before birth. i am on the maximum dosage of my medication. if this doesnt help me i dont know what will. the mood swings are still there but theyre much more intense nowadays. i dont know how to get it under control. i feel like i am just slowly losing my ind and one day i will lose it completely. i just hope my child is out of the house so they dont have to see it. i feel bad for my husband because he tries to be so patient but sometimes i feel like too much. my mother in law says that anytime im feeling bad about myself that its not really me. it’s demons attempting to bring me down and ultimately destroy me. part of me believes that but i never really was one to follow religion. she also brought up admitting myself voluntarily to an inpatient clinic. i really did think about it because now i barely know what the day is most of the time. i just want to lay in bed until i waste away. hopefully me going back to work and getting back on a schedule will help me but i highly doubt that it will. my therapist asked if i would like to quit my job. i told her i would but that i cant because i get a steady paycheck and have no other way to pay for college when i decide to go. i feel so bad for thinking this way but i really am having a hard time seeing the bright side of things. my head is constantly plagued with thoughts of my husband cheating on me, leaving me, or regretting his decision to marry me. he tells me all the time that he doesn’t think those things and he doesn’t regret marrying me. I just don’t know why i have such a hard time believing him and honestly i feel like a really shitty partner for even having the slightest thought of him doing so. he never once talked to another female in a flirting manner even when we were trying to build a relationship. i understand my worries stem from watching how my parents relationship ended. that really fucked up my views on love. but now i am trying to create a healthy space for my child to grow up in. i hope i succeed.

-jade

[jadesbrain]

“The best thing in life is finding someone who knows all your flaws, mistakes and weaknesses and still thinks you’re completely amazing.”

— Unknown

[jadesbrain]

[jadesbrain]

leaving-zack bryan

walker, you will never see this and I pray you don’t. you know when i used to write you letters i would always put a song that corresponds with it. i made many promises to you that i couldnt keep. one of those was staying. i promised not to leave you no matter what and im sorry. when i made that promise is was to keep you alive. you said you couldnt live without me and how i was all you had. i told you how i was tired of the repetition in our relationship and you never changed. so i guess you never really kept your promises either. now, we don’t speak. it’s as if the relationship has never even happened. maybe it’s for the best. especially with what happened after i left. we were broken up, we stayed lovers. we weren’t together and i think that’s part of the story you’re leaving out. you introduced me to a lot. a world of the country music I never got around to listening to, morgan wallen. zach bryan. crazy sushi rolls. you cant swim, you showed me how to cook a steak properly, you showed me your love of bass pro and cowboy boots. you taught me the different cowboy hats and all kinds of flannels. more trucks than i’ve ever seen in my entire life. you showed me what to look for in a good truck. i still remember that two door, three person seater, black 1993 model truck. we were so excited but then turns out it was more broken on the inside than it looked on the outside of it. so we walked across the lot and chose your perfect truck. or so we thought. when you had gotten your truck i had never seen a man happier. but i knew that i wouldn’t be the one riding in your shotgun seat for much longer. the last time i saw you, you had told me to take care of myself. so, i joined a college, i cut my hair, got more tattoos, almost gave up smoking, and now im in a whole new country. i wish you could see me now. this is the person i was meant to be. i am trying for a baby. if it’s a boy his name will be Jeriah James. if it’s a girl her name will be Allison Paige. if she has my hair you already know how that will go. I am still hoping to get the southern house with a wrap around porch and all the ducks I can get. a barn with cows, horses, sheep, and pigs. still get my dog and sit out on the porch every night to watch the sun go down with my dog next to me and my kids playing in the yard. then go clean up after my family has eaten dinner. i haven’t changed. the only that changed about me was having you. i am still the girl you met when i first walked into work. still rough, still sensitive, still me. and i hope you are still you. goodbye walker.

-jade

[jadesbrain]

You’ll meet a hundred different people who will describe you in a hundred different ways, don’t dwell too much on the kind of impression you make. Remember, there are a thousand paintings of the sun, but only one that rises and sets each day.

Ekta Somera (via wnq-writers)

[jadesbrain]

losing myself

how do you know when you are falling out of love? so much has gone on since I last posted. I joined college, lost the boy I was in love with I ended up with someone else and loving them more. The only thing is, I don’t know if they’re the right person for me. I am waiting to see if it’s because of my meds or if it is genuinely how I feel. There is this boy, let’s call him G. G has been my friend since I got WA. Now we are in an entirely new place. But ever since I met him, I get these intense butterflies and I just have no idea what to do with myself. It is just this overwhelming feelings of confusion, longing, and.. lust? I have no idea what to call it. Whenever I am with him I feel so happy and we always have such good conversations together. I feel like I could tell him anything and he’d always listen or try to help me out. There were times I thought maybe he felt the same. G has always been super overprotective and is always wanting me to be with someone who is “good enough” for me. And apparently none of the people I have been with meet his standards for what he thinks I deserve. Whenever I am with someone else who I am seeing he always gives short glances our way or just doesn’t really talk to me. He seems to shut himself off and I don’t quite understand why. He said he saw me like a little sister but how he talks sometimes and the way I catch him looking at me sometimes makes me think differently. Maybe I am just overthinking it. But lately, I can’t seem to get him off my mind. He is in my thoughts more than my own partner. I feel terrible about it but then again, G has always been in my head. Since I first laid eyes on him. I honestly have no idea what to do now that I am actually seeing what I am thinking for the first time about this. I wouldn’t say I’m falling out of love. Maybe I never fell in love with my partner. I love them yes, but in love? Those are very different to me. In some ways I carry love for G but I don’t love him. I am just really lost and confused on what to do with these feelings.

-jade

[jadesbrain]

“Silence his demons and you will be able to hear his angels sing.”

— Viola CN (via thoughtkick)

[jadesbrain]

feb 16, 2021

my tonsil is swollen. it hurts to eat, talk, move, drink anything. i had to get covid tested even though the infection in my tonsils might get worse. now im quarantined. i was told by a nurse that if my tonsils swell and i cant breathe then to go to the ER. i have no other symptoms of covid. also, my milk expired today.

-jade

[jadesbrain]

Be confident. Too many days are wasted comparing ourselves to others, wishing to be something we aren’t. Everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses. It is only when you accept everything you are, and aren’t, that you will truly succeed.

Unknown (via thoughtkick)