jaimewinter

[jaimewinter]

september will be good september will be good september will be good september will be good september will be good september will be good september will be good september will be good september will be good september will be good september will be good september will be good september will be good september will be good september will be good september will be good september will be good september will be good september will be good september will be good

[jaimewinter]

[jaimewinter]

evrybody hate me and want me dead. except for god he said faggot! you will live forever

[jaimewinter]

I have one kid that keeps stumbling out of his nest to rage loaf and beep angrily if I put him back with his nest mates. And yes even gaba didn't work on how jumpy and nervous he is

[jaimewinter]

>two parts oatmeal one part milk

that shit goes down smooth as silk

>two parts oatmeal one part rice

kinda weird but could be nice

>two parts oatmeal one part stew

now it's getting hard to chew

>two parts oatmeal one part mole

um no thanks i'm really full

>two parts oatmeal one part mouse

what the fuck dude leave my house

>two parts oatmeal one part arm

where'd that come from who'd you harm

>two parts oatmeal one part ned

who is that oh god he's dead

>two parts oatmeal one part gourd

oh fuck yeah i'm back onboard!

[jaimewinter]

has anyone posted this yet. best tweet ever written

[jaimewinter]

Judge: Sensitive pervert, you stand accused… of loving too beautifully, fucking too skillfully, and keeping it too motherfucking real. How do you plead?

Me: I plead… guilty to all chargers ur honor

Judge: gasp

Jury: gasp

Prosecutor: grits teeth and starts growling

My hot defense lawyer with a huge rack: whoa…he might just have what it takes…

[jaimewinter]

jesus kinda hot

[jaimewinter]

i’m not against vaping, but man, vaping two inches from my face on the subway is a ridiculous asshole kind of move. this dude was billowing like he was auditioning for the role of haunted house fog machine. the humidity in the whole car changed, he was ruining haircuts. just jump starting the water cycle. condensation was dripping down my glasses. people were slipping off poles, it was chaos. it was like watching one man try to terraform the moon. a planet with one dense, root beer scented atmosphere blocking out the sun and choking all life. 

[jaimewinter]

as a cis guy, when presented with the "99% you get a ton of money, 1% you turn into a girl" it honestly would be dumb to not hit that button until it breaks. like ok now i have 100 bajillion dollars and gender dysphoria. big deal. i have all the money in the world to turn me back into a guy. like with that kind of money i could have obama do me a phalloplasty. he wouldnt be able to do it as he isnt a surgeon but the point still stands

[jaimewinter]

Keeps my OC’s body count at 9,999 innocent lives so I can write a 100k word coffee shop AU fanfic of her without breaking the rules

[jaimewinter]

Who the fuck is that thing tolling for

[jaimewinter]

[jaimewinter]

[jaimewinter]

[jaimewinter]

[jaimewinter]