jaires0812

[jaires0812]

Why...

Why do I deserve this?? Why do i keep gettinf hurt in every directions. Friends family and now you... im already trying for you. Doing so much just for you. But i can see why i deserve this. I’ve been happy too long. This was bound to happen sooner or later..

[jaires0812]

I wish...

I wish you could have said it in some other way... i wish, i didnt had to get mad.... why am i like this? Why cant i just be normal like i used to be. Why is it when it'd him, my emotions just run wild? If only... i were different... he didnt have to go through all the pain, trouble and suffering... I wish.... I didn't had to be a musician... just so i wont hurt him anymore...

[jaires0812]

Cant understand

You're worried but you dont know how it feels to be so ambitious and to achieve so much. You dont know how it feels to grab that opportunity when you feel that it wont happen again... im sorry im like this... but even if i complain about my stress, sleep deprived and etc, has it ever occurred to you that im always excited to do the stuff i signed up for even tho i know i'll be tired? I guess not...

[jaires0812]

Im sorry

Im sorry im like this... that you have to feel so hurt when it's me... im sorry you have to deal with someone like me.. im sorry that i grew up like this... i wish i can forget everything so that i can change... i wish to forget just so i can start anew.... someone like me dont deserve someone like you... someone like me... dont even deserve to be here...

[jaires0812]

June 25, 2017; Sunday; 12:03 AM

Just who am I? I’m just a 17 year old girl who thought she has her life together. I mean, it is but when it comes to love… why do I just feel so lost? Why do my emotions clash towards one another? What does it really feel to love? Is it when your heart beats fast? When you feel like all your troubles disappear? When all your ideals has been answered? Is it when you feel so comfortable that it just feels so normal? What does it really feel to love? Why is it, I keep destroying the things I’m happy to have? What does it take for me to be so sure of someone? I don’t know anymore…. What’s the proper path to take? Keep the relationship and let it be enough for me or leave it and start all over again? But I promised…. promised to stay forever…. promised that he’ll be the one forever…. promised that I wont ever leave him…. Am I doing this for me? Or for him? How can I make sure of things? Maybe the adults and matured ones were right…. maybe I should keep this relationships into just a small spectrum of my life as of now… maybe I should just focus on education…. but I still want to be with him…. but a part of me feels so unsure… Just what does it take for me to know something of myself….? I love him…. I really really do…. but why is it, when he asks me, questioning me if I doubt my feelings for him, why do i feel this emptiness? Is it because he doubts me? Is it because I’m lying to myself? Was it even the right choice to tell him all how i fell? Love…. it just comes and goes as it pleases…. at times, I really am head over heels for him but other times when I feel like im so unsure….. Maybe I’m bipolar? Maybe I’m just not really ready as I thought i was… So what choice should I pick? Stay or take a break? Leave and let time do its thing? I want to know other people’s opinion but this is me… “I” or “we” must make the decision…. …. why must I go through this alone… i mean there’s also another way to go about it….. but I’m not sure if he’ll agree to it…. What if…. we just really took a break…. a long break…. from our romantic relationship… of course it’s not breaking up nor is it reverting to just friends…. we can still meet, chat, kiss and sleep…… but just that…. but what’s the difference??? I dont know…. i mean… if he’s willing to wait for a long time… maybe it can work out…. but if we took a long break from our relationship…. it means there’s a chance I can move on from him….. but I’m willing to fight myself to stay only for him….. but is that fair? Is that right? Just who am I really doing this for? For my well being or for him or is it for us? Why is it I act as if I know everything…. when in truth i dont…. what do people expect me to do? By the snap of my finger, it’s fixed? No…. …… I still dont have my answer but…. by wednesday, I’ll have my answer clear as daylight… —if you’re reading this, please tell me how you truly feel… dont hide it and dont say nevermind and make some excuse…. please…—

[jaires0812]

June 8,2017; Thursday; 12:40 PM

Why is it that out of all the people i have met, only one person keeps bringing me down.... one word from her and every confidence i have built up for myself depletes. Why cant I just ignore what she says like what people are telling me? Why cant I just get mad at her like what people can do... why dont i have power against her? Am i that worthless? So worthless that i cant even bring down one person? That worthless that I agree with every depressing thing she says about me? My life is so happy. I have everything. Friends, family, boyfriend, food and money... but why... from her, she brings me down to me lowest...?

[jaires0812]

Maybe it was a mistake... maybe I was... all I ever do is hurt the ones I love because of who I am. I did my best to fake myself to them but in the end I learned to love and trust them anyways even though I know I'm just going to hurt them. Why was I born like this... why do I exist to bring joy in the beginning but to hurt in the end.. why can't I just stop hurting people. All I ever do is bring pain. Bring bad luck and chaos... maybe I should have ended myself long ago.... But... I cant. I keep believing and hoping that something good can happen in the end... i keep thinking positive even when all hope is gone. WHY DO I ALWAYS HOPE WHEN THERE'S NOTHING I.... I don't want to suffer anymore knowing that I hurt the ones I love with my honesty. I need help... I'd do anything to stop hurting others. I'd do anything to make them... make him happy...

[jaires0812]

May 23, 2017; Tuesday; 12:09 AM

I'm..... scared... Pedro, I love how he cares so much that he worries about me. But I guess you can say he worries too much. I know that in the country we live in, anything can happen to a girl... but when he tell me his worries about me, I get scared that it can happen to me.... I just don't know how I can at least make him feel a little less worried... I'm going to a new school in a very crowded place where any criminal acts can happen. Going to that school is something I want and need to go because it'll bring me another closer to my dream to take music as a career. But with Pedro's worries, I worry too but I'm also sadden by his over the top worries. It's like saying, I don't know the dangerous stuff... it's like saying, I don't know how to take care of myself. Sure I don't dress carefully when you're around but when you aren't. I dress normally. Pants, shirt, jacket, and shoes. And I always bring an item that can also be a weapon for self-defence. Look, Pedro, I know I may not look so reliable out there and I can be an easy victim to all guys, but could you have a little faith in me that I can take care of myself and have a little faith that those worries of yours will never happen. I trust and believe you so much, that your words can carve something new in me. Your worries for me on going out can become my greatest fears.

[jaires0812]

April 24, 2017; 12:39 AM; Monday

I dont really know why I’m typing this right now but I guess I just felt like it…

Just hours ago, Pedro sent me a selfie of him and I just cant get over it really. He’s so cute i just cannot contain my fangirl-ness. Whenever I see him, be it from videos to pictures to in person! I just get one thought.

“How can someone like him be with someone like me?”

To him, I am perfect. Even tho he is aware of how I can hurt him unknowingly a lot, he…. accepts it. And I’m just grateful. No one in my life has told me that. How much i hurt them but still accept. Finding someone who’ll tell you that, is as rare as finding dinosaur bones deep on the ground. He makes me whole. He is my other half. And that what makes me perfect.

I knew and believe that someone cannot be perfect alone and only another can make him/her perfect because they fill the gap. And that’s what Pedro did. He filled the half of me. I was just a mere puzzle piece looking for someone to be my puzzle board and it’s him.

We talk about the future a lot. We tend to have our worries especially since we have a LDR. We talk about how we’d get married, live in our own place, have our own kids… God i just fall for him more.. but we both worry about cheating, possible natural death and such that could break us up. In all honesty, I am certain that the both of us won’t cheat or die so easily even with a nature doing its thing. But at times I guess he goes nega cus, we both know that Im most likely to destroy our relationship. Especially for someone like me. But even tho we both know…. I guess I just wish that he can at least try to push those insecurities away even for at least awhile. Not that Im saying that he should stop telling! I’m just saying, he should try to think of how I feel. At least a little ish. Even though, I’ll laugh at it whether in chat or in person, I get triggered inside but I don’t show it because it’s true and I myself agree. So when we both talk about how I’ll cheat on him or what if I get tired of him…. I kinda feel that small pang in my chest. I guess I was not as strong as I used to be 😅. I’ve become more emotional especially towards him 🤣. Which is good cause it’s proof that I really do love him.

I guess there are times I worry too just about myself… alone. Like there are times that I’ll think, “I’m chatting with him everyday but I feel blank. Am I just getting used to it or am I losing it??” And I constantly worry about it. I begin to get scared. Scared that I might fall out of love. Scared that maybe… i’m not meant for love and to fall for it. And I get scared of losing my emotions or worry if I have lost it loong ago… but when I think of how much Im scared I stop and chuckle. Then I start to think, “haaah I worry so much about being scared of losing shit when I got nothing to worry about cus this is proof that I just really love him.”

Uhhh anyways, Pedro, to me, is a perfect being in my life. He may be lazy, irresponsible, quiet and tend to be mean but he is perfect. He has helped me so much more than he thinks. He keeps my company, listens to me without telling me the pros or cons, he would stay by me for just the sake of being together longer… i cannot find a better man than him. No guy is willing to keep up with my weirdness, no guy is willing to give all the effort of doing shit for/with me, no guy will just be fine with just sleeping together as spending time together and no guy will be willing to still stay with me even after I’ve hurt him a lot (without knowing). There will never be a guy like that (in my radar) except for Pedro. Sure I’m going to another school and some guys may hit on me or try to make me fall for them but I’ve glued your entire existence in both my mind and heart. And no guy can easily rip that from it except for you.

It’s already 2 months since we became a thing. And until this very day, I feel soooooo giddy being with you and just seeing your face. How can I convince you and lessen your insecurities and worries with just that? You’re a worry-wart and I love you for that because it shows how much you love me. But worrying so much can possibly lead to a path we dont want. I’m always here to listen for you when you feel worried or insecure. But what can I do to convince you otherwise like how you convince me? Welp, it’ll work out on its own in due time.

(I guess his impatience has influenced me a bit… o well)

[jaires0812]

April 17, 2017; Monday; 11:42 PM

I started to think..... i think there's really nothing to worry about. If I ever get sick and tired of Pedro or the other way around. Even though we both know that there's a high possibility that I'm the one destroying our relationship. But whenever I think that, there's this most whole of me just saying that it won't happen and I started to think back on my love life before Pedro. Shitzu was my MU for 7 long years. We didnt have a status together or did anything special together. I gave him everything just to make him happy. Did everything I could just to be close to him. I reached that point where, I'll love a guy no matter how much it hurts me. Then Jaires came next in my life. For a month everything was going swell until he began to hide from me. Avoid and run from me. And he did that for 2 months. And that 2 months, people have been telling me to break up with him but I believed so much that I didnt until I finally learned that I need to set myself free from all that. Pedro, no matter how much you've changed. Be it, a normie, stale and boring guy, I will still stay by you as long as you stay behind me both physically and spiritually. Even when we don't have anything to talk about anymore, I'll stay by you. Your little acts like making weird faces or weird noises, makes me laugh. So, don't tell me that you're fine if we broke up as long as it keeps me happy and we stayed as friends because I could never find someone better than you. Even if there was, I would choose a man with many flaws than a man with few. I'd choose a man who'll make me laugh. Lift my spirits to me alive and keeps my company a lot. You are perfectly enough for me so be confident in yourself. Have more faith in thyself.

[jaires0812]

April 11, 2017; Tuesday: 10:00 PM

IM SUCH A DUMBFUCKER! HOW COULD I FUCKING DO SUCH A STUPID THING WITHOUT CONSIDERING SHIT...... god I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry......... it's all my fault.... i can tell.... your whole body is numb after rome found out..... for no reason you could barely move..... I didnt think about the bad things that could've happened.... i'm so so so so sorry...... I promise i wont do anything if the sort.... i wont make you too paranoid.... i got so scared..... i've hurt you somehow..... sorry haha.... i also get paranoid and end up blaming myself only..... i got so paranoid that you might leave me..... i couldn't stop think, "don't leave me... don't leave me..." i got scared.... haaah....

[jaires0812]

April 11, 2017; 8:53 AM; Tuesday

Good morning! With Pedro still asleep, I just got bored and started typing. When i think about my love life, I still get that feeling that it's still unbelievable. Like, I'm still shook till this very day that I'm together with someone like Pedro. I tend to think, "what did i do to deserve someone so amazing?" I can hurt people unknowingly and I have hurt him. But even so, he stayed and said, Im worth the pain. And I just can't help and feel amazed that a guy like that still exists nearby. He's like a super rare legendary Pokemon who has only been hiding in the grass unnoticed. To think Pedro was just the very guy I've been looking for. I'm complicated, clingy, have a strong sex drive, a weirdo, quiet, shy, easily embarrassed, naive, clueless, have bad sense of humour and I'm not intelligent... and yet, he accepts and loves all of me. I thought my love life will just be me, accepting everything of my partner while my partner accepts only half of me. And i thought, if I hurt my partner just because of my honesty, he'll leave.... i thought I'd live a life like that but seriously.... to think Pedro is just different. To think the quiet guy in the corner of the class was a rare stone. No one expected it. Neither did I. Normally I hate the unexpected cause it just hits you like a bus. But this unexpected moment with Pedro was the best thing.

[jaires0812]

April 10, 2016; 10:32 PM; Monday

It's been less than 2 months and we are just still madly in love with each other. We're just here chatting/talking about getting married, having kids or something like that of the sort. There are times we do think of the possibilities of breaking up. But, hey, we just started out. Stay in the present first for a while and just enjoy the moment. Sure, we're going LDR but i really dont mind. I believe that no matter what, we'd still be together. There are times when he's worried about us breaking up or falling out of love.... and when he's worried, I'm also worried but I'll always be there to assure him that it ain't gonna happen. Because i want to believe that it won't. Living life won't be easy especially in adulthood. We'll eventually have problems and fights but I don't think I'd ever gonna let him go or find someone better. Life is full of trials and it's either your run out or overcome it. If he gets scared and worried, then I'll be there to soothe him. Be there to convince him that he should believe that we would never separate. Besides, we sealed the deal... which was giving my first kiss to him. Innocent as it sounds, yes. That's the deal. The condition was to have my first kiss during marriage so that for sure whoever is my partner will be the one. I gave up that condition and had my first kiss early and gave it to him. So in a way, he gotta take responsibility hahah. Even if I go to a different school than you, please, don't get SUPER insecure that someone will steal me away from you. Once I'm in love, I'm blinded by you and you only. I would ignore guys who would try to make a move and court me (or possibly you haha) and I will be happily bragging you to new-found friends. I love him and I dont wanna let him go. I'd go against fate if it means to stay with him. I never felt this much love for someone and I really like this feeling... it comforts me and somehow make me just wanna lay down beside you. So please, don't you ever leave me and I will never leave you.

[jaires0812]

We've only been together for a month and we already got rings in two weeks we got together.... 😑🤣❤

[jaires0812]

To me; to you

I see myself as this growing teen stuck in a child's body. I know i got a bit of nice curves here and there and I know that I'm good-looking in my own way. But someone has made me feel what I'm not yet to him, I am what says I am to him. He calls me cute, beautiful and sexy. A three-in-one weapon that could kill him. But even tho I say nothing when he calls me that, I just feel embarrassed... i just really dont know what to do or say when I'm called like that. But I don't hate it..... If I am what he says I am to him, well to me, you are, cute, handsome, and is sexy in your own special way XDD (Trust me Pedro, you thighs are just 👌👌 and your chest ain't flat like ordinary guys so 🙌🙌🙌)

[jaires0812]

March 18, 2017; 6:59 PM; Saturday

I just realised that tomorrow is my first monthsary with Pedro and got somehow i feel unbelievably shocked that it's just the first month on being together. It's just that, we talk and chat all the time, knowing more about each other further and it just feels like for us that we've been together for a while but only to realise it has just been less than a month.... I haven't felt this much happy since I got together with him and because of this joyous feeling that I feel right now...... i am afraid..... Afraid to lose this feeling, to get sick of it but i dont want to... I'm afraid that my love for him might disappear.... i know relationships wont always be exciting as how it starts out but, because we get used to it and becomes a norm to us..... I'm scared that I may just lose that fast heartbeat when i see him, when i touch him.... If you're reading this Pedro...... if I become what I'm afraid to be..... please stay by my side always 😅 i really dont wanna give you up even if my feelings becomes dull, I will stay by you. I wont leave you unless it is something the both of us cant fix or help. I know first month pa lang, but I'm serious about you even if my mom says not to take it seriously..... i want to have you in my life always.... You already know how complicated I can be, and yet, you're still here.... you'd go to every effort just to keep me company and to help me. You haven't given up on me yet and I'm just really happy you havent. Cause there have been those out there who gave up after knowing how complicated i am and yet, here you are still..... There may be guys like you out there, maybe even better, but gurl, you are fine the way you are! You are special in your own way. You got this charisma and aura around you that makes you so different from the rest. You've got that magical feeling that no guy has. And besides, i don't think there is a guy out there who is more chill than you XDD I love ya bes so please always stay by my side even though it's still just our first monthsary ❤😭😅

[jaires0812]

March 18, 2017; 6:49 PM; Saturday

Yesterday, during lunch, my friend just got friendzoned…. it just pains me to see him cry. Standing there not being able to say anything to help him but stay by his side. He really went through the effort of going through so much just for her but only to find out that she didnt feel the same anymore. And it turns out, we almost liked each other and honestly i was torn, cause he was one of the few guys that has accepted my weirdness and is totally fine by it. It was just unexpected 😅 but I’m fine. It was a momentary torn feeling. Today tho was fun. Beauty and the beast just made me cry and feel so much. And it was more fun cause i was able to watch it with my friends, the Pajero Squad. (ORYT!!!) We walked around the mall window-crying and bought a few stuff from here and there. Then Pedro, he got a sore throat so his voice was low and he was having fun reaching the bass lines XD Tho tbh, it would be really hot if a guy has a low voice and it’s kinda sexy when a dude with that kind of voice sweet talks his partner while having sex XDD (if you are reading this, pedro, lam mo na! Obviously, you’ll be teasing me about it 😓) But yeah, today was fun, Pedro knew more stuff about me and I knew something about him too. God….. we know too much of each other that not only do we need jesus and the holy spirit but also reborn to a new life to restart this whole shit XDDD