jakesanxietydiary

[jakesanxietydiary]

I’m losing my fucking mind. Every time I think something good is finally happening to me, it dies. It’s a big fucking nothing. My life is nothing. I have no idea what I’m living for anymore at this point.

Everything I’ve ever wanted is now dead in the water and there’s a -100% chance I’ll ever be able to have a normal life. I’ll never have a happy relationship, I’ll never have true friends, I’ll never have a good job.

And now that I can’t enjoy any of my hobbies anymore and have to run to pills to tolerate the complete absence of comfort in my life… it’s just not worth it.

The casket is sounding pretty comfortable.

I want to be with my grandparents where none of this matters anymore. You can’t be a failure in death.

[jakesanxietydiary]

He caught me up in the living room. The moonlight hung on the curtains but made no advancement into the blackness of the room. Everything was in place as it always was, but if I wanted to turn on a lamp, I’d have to walk a lifetime to get over to it. Time wasn’t right. Perpetual night.

“What are you doing out here this late?”

His voice was concerned but also disgusted. I knew he always took my situations as a disruption to his peace more than a problem that needed to be solved.

I couldn’t answer him if I wanted to. My mouth had left from the body a long while ago, and it refused to move when the words started piling up. It made me choke on them.

Even if I could tell him, what conclusion would that bring us to? I’d opened up before and whether the conversation that followed was compassionate or violent, nothing ever happened.

My body said “The time for talking is over. Now it’s time for showing.”

And it all began. The end of me as I knew it.

The plops on the ground were repugnant as the skin and fat started to release from my arms, slick and sliding down my arms, leaving only the grotesque knots of muscles around my pulsing bones.

My head wouldn’t turn to face him. It slumped down into my chest as my cheeks became hellish hammocks, swinging off my jaw. No pain, just the awareness that my souls casing was becoming slop for pigs to feast on.

Once my skin was a rolling mound around my ankles like a freshly dropped pair of gore overalls, I felt the constriction of my exposed muscles, reminding me that as I stood more than bare, I was finally basically weightless. To feel my knees upright and uncompressed was so liberating, I thought I might float off and bump into to the artex texture above.

Oh what a feeling, unincorporating on the ceiling

But then the cracking. The pops as each of my vertebrae unhinged from the one below, my torso elongating and curving into an uncanny crooked shape. I towered above the room now and spread my arms wide, the shambling motion of the gesture combined with the strings of skin still barely holding onto the expanse making me look like an inverted puppet, dangling upwards from the floor.

Was he screaming? Would I be able to hear it if he was? I hoped he was.

Too distant and euphoric to feel the ripping, a new appendage shot out of either side of my torso. Bloody arms writhing in nauseating angles came out in in rhythmic surges, inches at a time, until I had a set of 4 arms, then 6.

By now the sanguine fluid permeating my human body was forming an unholy lake beneath me. The visual conception of my personhood swirling hues of red through the puddle above which I levitated.

I loved it, rolling my eyeballs around in their now exposed sockets.

It became so ridiculously clear. I wasn’t ever going to be the hero, I wasn’t ever going to be the muse. Misery and fear were familiars that never left my side. It was as I pressed my feet and hands against the ceilings, my toes breaking apart and elongating to form quivering alien hands, that I understood the new purpose of my life.

I felt colossal then, when new eyes split open down the back of what you’d have to call a neck, spilling viscus slug like tears. I could see my body slithering with inarticulate arms, fingers pushed clean through the drywall, snaking around and filling the room. The feeling was one of understanding and acceptance.

“I’m a thing now, my love” I finally managed to say, through a cauldron throat bubbling with boiling blood and spit, my voice sounding like several making a disagreeable harmony. The movement of my jaw was unfamiliar as if my mouth had been pulled by hooks back to my ears.

“An abomination Ive wished to be. In a form where human life could mean nothing to me.”

I laughed, watching the nether glow on the underside of my nose which had remained inappropriately anthropomorphic.

“These will be my last words to you, person to person. My last words to anyone. When you look for me, you won’t be able to see, but I’ll be there. I’ll see you, I’ll see everyone in my thousand eyes, what will be my million eyes. What will be m-“

“Shut up.” He exhaled. “I’m too old for these dramatics, man, and so are you.”

“Your words are sharp, but I am the unslain.”

“We all have problems, Jake!” He chortled, in mundane disbelief. “You don’t see us turning into lovecraftian horrors about it.”

“I could melt you with a thought if I had any mind to do so with.”

“Sure.”

Still smiling, I ripped the drywall and cinder blocks from the walls, crawling centipede like to the front wall, shattering it effortlessly.

“Dude, I don’t have homeowner’s insurance! Good luck paying for this!” He screeched, his first hint of having been shaken.

“I’ll pay you in curses,” I said back, forcing an inhale to reassure myself that I was the one in control now. Of everything.

Each alternating arm rose from position, and my fingers began to form impossible configurations, crackling with arcane energy.

“Oh this Naruto jutsu shit now? Do it. You won’t. I thought you didn’t care anymore. OoOoOoOo Im JaKe AnD I dOnT cArE.”

“Fuck you, I don’t,” I cried my hands lowering as the walls and earth around me started to fizzle out of reality. He stood unamused. Just exasperated. He never cared about me, everything I ever did just pushed him away from me even when I desperately wanted him close. I recounted this in a falsely sterile way.

“Whatever you’re gonna do man, just do it. Whatever.”

“As you wish. It’s always about you you you. I can’t get even a flake of recognition from you, even when I become eternal.”

I marched into the yard, the slowing of time around me making it take days for my segmented body to uncoil, and longer still for me to rear myself up, the front half of my titanic body reaching with putrid claws toward the sky that swept in hyperspeed before me, the orange, black, blue, purple hues blending into a color I’d never seen but that my new eyes could understand. “Blablurple” I said to myself.

A hump on my back exploded and mucus covered wings unfurled, and with chronically unreal pace I took to the sky. My tower ripped from the earth and matched my speed, parapets and turrets sprouting from the sides as it extended into the realm of nothingness.

“I am unslain, I am eternal” I chanted as I wrapped my body around it. I could see the shadow of my wing stamped across the continents of the earth. Then I gripped them. The stinging strings of fate popped and fizzed in grasp. “This world is mine.. and I’ll warp it a trillion times until the atoms themselves won’t be able to hold themselves together and we’ll all phase into each other. One mass, the ultimate singularity. They’ll worship me in futility. I’m the God now that hears all and does nothing. My turn. Don’t I get an apocalypse for myself?”

“No,” he said frankly and I snapped my maddening face toward the crest of the Tower of Babel Id summoned. “Put it all back, Jake”

Shaming me.

“How are you here?! I left you behind an eternity ago! I never wanted to see your face again!!” I roared, hitching the strings with my fists and tugging them back. A dance of colors unfolded as waves of jagged texture blew across the expanse of endlessness. A wave of cosmic wind blowing patterns through the wheat field of infinity.

“I became eternal too, duh.”

“Stop!!! It took me decades of hurt and dissociation to access the ancient agony in my heart to bring forth this transformation! You can’t just!-“

“What, like it’s hard?”

“Ok, Elle Woods.”

Then Azethoth woke up. The end.

[jakesanxietydiary]

My mental health is making it really hard to manage my diabetes. I think Immbery sick… nothing feels right. And ever couple of weeks or sometimes every other week, I seem to get sick for a few days, throwing up and stomach pain… I’m afraid it’s diabetic ketoacidosis because my breath does have a strange smell to it I don’t recognize ever having before this started.

But I’d almost rather just rot than go back to the hospital.

People said I was smart but that’s just because I’m well written and can remember some facts.. but I’m bad at life. I’m really really bad at life. I’m not smart in any practical way and I’ve had to struggle to handle the most basic parts of being a person. Now it’s harder than ever. I can’t reason with myself, my illness run me like I’m a machine. I can’t feel love or compassion or attraction. Excitement immediately turns into anxiety. I can’t even do the things I was good at anymore. Maybe I wasn’t meant for this.

[jakesanxietydiary]

[jakesanxietydiary]

[jakesanxietydiary]

[jakesanxietydiary]

[jakesanxietydiary]

[jakesanxietydiary]

[jakesanxietydiary]

[jakesanxietydiary]

I. hate. people.

The veil has been lifted. I see the truth.

95% of people are fucking terrible and I wouldn’t shed a tear if they got swallowed by the fucking earth.

[jakesanxietydiary]

Try too hard, stop trying, try a little bit, do this, do that. Never makes me feel reconnected to myself again. I’ve changed too much, I’m like a stranger to myself now. And nothing and no one can fix that. I’m doomed. It’s over.

And a strange thing about it is, I knew this would happen all along. Not if it would, the question was only “when.”

[jakesanxietydiary]

This isn’t anxiety and it’s not depression either. I’m anxious and depressed because of this new feeling or lack of feeling or whatever the FUCK it is. But the feeling is causing those things, not the other way around.

I can’t do anything. I can’t like like myself or speak like myself or feeling anything right. I can’t move! I can’t act! I can’t pay attention! I can’t remember things I want to say when I need to say them. I’m completely outside of the realm of normal and someone needs to see that and help me!!! Because soon there won’t be anything left!!!!!! REALLY SOON!!! I’m running out of time!

Please someone help me. Please.

Fuck God. I only think of him when I need someone to blame but I know no one is there. There is nothing, and I’m nothing too.

[jakesanxietydiary]

I dont have a soul anymore.

[jakesanxietydiary]

I have no confidence in myself anymore, down the the most basic human functions. I am defined by uncertainty and fear and I don’t know why I can’t build confidence back up. This is torture.

I was going to go into work today and had to bail out again. I feel like a piece of shit every time I have to say no, I can’t do it. I can’t even tell myself “I’ll do it when things are better” because there’s no sign of when that might be. I can’t even imagine it.

Life is hell. Im in hell.

[jakesanxietydiary]

[jakesanxietydiary]

The apathy and weirdness is too much.

I wake up and I don’t want to get out of bed, but I don’t want to stay in bed either. They’re both uncomfortable.

I dont want to drive. I know I need to but I feel no need as if nothing is real. I also don’t want to not drive. If I had a strong feeling either way at least it would mean I’m present enough to try and do it.

I don’t want to play video games but I also don’t want to give them up.

I don’t want to eat but it’s also not hard to, but I notice the difference.. the “I don’t care” feeling about it. It’s apparent when I go a whole day without a meal and then only eat so others don’t worry or until my stomach really aches.

Like.. what even is this?