jakeystubbs-blog - Tumblr blog

[jakeystubbs-blog]

Memoir

One can try as they please to have a plan for life. More concerned with the future than the present, we meticulously plot and draw a map for our lives and run statistics on one of the most unpredictable scenarios in human history just so that we can find a shelter from fear in gullible certainty. With that being said, in my purest form of youth I would have assured a lot of things for “certain.” As we all learn at some point in our lives though, some earlier than others, the will of change does not paint in straight lines. In the blank canvas of life, colors may be thrown haphazardly against the white; dripping onto each other, running off the edge of the canvas, and blending into dastardly brown colors. Though one could close their mind to the notion of the canvas and claim the colors to present us with meaningless display, I believe that the colors are not to be fought. To paint the most beautiful life portrait we need to accept the new additions of color in stride, regardless of whether they fit the idea of what we originally were aiming to paint. For myself, I took my first brushstroke at the age of thirteen.

The first great struggle of my life came through finding out who I was and who I wanted to be, and as middle school came and went I came to the swift realization that I in fact did not have the slightest clue who I was. As my friends and I collected new hobbies and interests through middle school, we began to drift further and further apart. Aware of this, I sunk into a depression feeling lost at sea, a single person operating a ship that could not be sailed alone. I spent time investing in my hobbies and likes, but was intimidated to reach my hand out to fellow peers that shared the same interests. Would my old friends resent me? Is there any new friends out there who would accept me? “Certainly” my adolescent self thought, “this would all be resolved in the summer.” And that very summer, my problem was resolved tenfold.

Through my life, my summers have been spent almost entirely at one place alone, Fayson Lakes. Fayson is a small lake community which comes with benefit of a tight-knit, everybody knows everybody warmth. Needless to say, my prior friendship all were a product of the cards that were dealt to me by my community. New faces were never seen except some friendly visits and the occasional memorial day barbeque until one project that changed this course entirely.

Purely by chance, during the 2014 memorial day Fayson Lakes Barbeque I met the newest characters of the next chapter in life. While playing volleyball in the blistering heat with new visitors whom I only knew of through school, I couldn’t help but gaze out to water and feel envy at a small group floating on their pontoon blasting music. Under my breath I muttered “I wish I had one of those,” and it was all downhill from there. Eagerly, the school friends that I was playing volleyball with agreed, and through a wavelength that stretched through five minds,  I knew that we were all thinking the same exact thing. We were going to build a pontoon of our very own.

These strapping lads, Martin, Gannon, Eric, and Tim, later known in following order as Pecan, Chooch, Moody, and Tim (by lack of creativity) would become more than just my friends. They were my partners in crime, my fellow dreamers, and my brothers. They were very different than me in numerous ways, part of this I believe scared me, part is the reason why I liked them so much. We weren’t stencils of one another and in a way this is the reason why we got along so well. Where one lacked, the other made up for it. Each as a cog to a well oiled machine we were a fortuitous unit with one goal in sight. To build a pontoon.

In little time a curious companionship turned into spending all free time together. We talked and dreamt of our pontoon, drawing a first blueprint, and a second, and then a third that we were certain of, and finally the fourth and final because as we know, nothing in life is certain. As more time went on, the pontoon became more and more romanticized. No longer was it a floating five by five plank of wood, now our pontoon was so much more. It was our golden maiden of the sea, our gateway to a life of luxury, and of course, a total chick magnet. Two of those things were true. Much deserving of a name, Chooch dubbed our pontoon “Jenny” after we’d spent the night performing terrible impressions of Forrest Gump, and from there it was set in stone.

Entering high school together in the fall we wasted away our lunch periods working on creating our Jenny once we had the logistics figured out we hit the ground running. We totalled the cost of everything that we would need to bring Jenny to life and divided it into five parts. Once said and done, all in all the damage came out to ninety dollars a piece. This was easily more than I’d ever spent on something ever before, but in the end I knew that it would be worth every penny. Every hour i’d spent mowing the neighbors lawn, mulching everyone’s house on the west side of town, and drenching myself in sweat in the basement of a local deli had been culminating for this. In our heads ran a motto, you can’t take your money with you when you’re dead, might as well use it to live it up on Jenny, and I’m proud to say that that is exactly what i’ve done every summer since.

Nails were broken in our construction period, but the efforts we put in that day brought us closer together, and that very night we christened her introduction to open ocean with a firework show. There are times in life when all of us feel lost. There are times where we wish we could know the future. But through it all we are more similar to one another than we could’ve ever known and the friendship that we created despite the odds against us will last me a lifetime of happy memories and youthful excitement.

[jakeystubbs-blog]

Spoken Word Poem

Anxiety didn’t strike me until a later age. An age where everything isn’t as controllable in life as it once seemed. An age where you can’t fall off of the monkey bars onto wood chips and get given a transformers band-aid with a cherry lollipop to feel better. An age of awareness to new beginnings or perhaps sensations. Exciting frontiers to pave roads through, but of course rigid mountain backs to climb. It was the mountains that threw me.

I always had that feeling.The feeling that you know exactly the feeling of, yet not what name to bestow it with. It is a very unique and inexplicable feeling, at least to me. It is a part of you, a parasite that lives within you. It is driven by your weaknesses and pain, leaching off of your lifeblood, hungrier with every drop. The more you give in to it, the more it grows

Somebody told me it was called “agita;” I liked that.

It’s that feeling of missing the needle with the thread, over and over. Your tongue pressed between your lips, one eye squinted and the other fixed on the prize. You line up the thread, go in, and miss, and miss, and miss, and once again miss. Agita loves this of course.

It is a fantastic and terrible claws that scratch at your stomach and play with your anxiety. Holding your breath underwater while staying afloat, and head beating to a beat that you can’t stand the least. Relentlessly redressing any feeling of security you once had.

It is loopy and unexpected, unpredictable and always unprotected. It won’t let you get that satisfaction, not quite OCD but certainly similar in action. You try, try, and try until it drives you insane, “if I could just do it once, I wouldn’t complain.”

But that, like others I know, I had to learn it the hard way that that is simply not the way that it works. The grandfather clock does not swing at your pace, it follows its own. The moon does not shine and the sun does not rise for any single being, we are all glad to be in their presence. The symphony continues to bellow in harmony, and you are avidly indulging in the crowd.

After years of struggle, rough and tumble, Agita and I have learned to get along. Killing the parasite was never the answer, just as fearing it lead to nothing either in the past. We learn to manage what is within our reach. What seems too daunting has been nothing so fearful all along and we face yet another day the next day.

Through our struggles we become strong, unbridled, and ever-hungry to take on what lies ahead.

[jakeystubbs-blog]

Snapshot assignment

Cahuenga Peak Hike

Seven and a half hours from my comfortable home in New Jersey to a freshly cleaned room in Hollywood, three hours of a good night’s rest, two hours on the freeway, and one six hour hike waiting for me at the bottom of Cahuenga Peak was all I needed to know that i’m now exactly where I should be… I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore. As I lifted my head to meet the journey before I couldn’t help but take it all in. Maybe it was the way that the sunlight dripped upon the gentle bodied curves of the mountain, or perhaps just the excitement for the endless glory that lied before me, nevertheless the only thing moving faster than my mind was my feet moving towards the entrance of the trail.

It was a hot day, but dry, and nothing more than anything that lets you know you’re alive . The solar eclipse was underway and the great ball of glass turned the sky to a refreshing cup of aquamarine just waiting to be sipped. As the sandy tan Earth crunched under our feet we began our stint as frontiersmen. There was two trails that my family could have chosen that day: one that was an easier more level walk that can take quite a few hours, and another more dangerous and steep marked with sign displaying “watch out” for dastardly cougars or “beware” of ghastly heat strokes. One could imagine which was picked.

Every hill that we passed lead to another hill to be crossed, and truth be told, I was beginning to believe that we had entered our very own purgatory. Not much longer I was met with cool relief to my insanity. Just on top of the very next hill sat an oasis, “the Joshua Tree.” There gathered many other hikers such as myself. They were snacking on sandwiches, leaving notes for other hikers to stumble upon, and wearing dinky plastic glasses in order to stare into the dark eyes of the solar eclipse. There was a rather odd and warm feeling on top of this mountain. It was the kind of feeling that stated that yes we were all strangers to each other in the world, but just for this moment we were all sharing in one great occurrence, spreading happiness with one another and appreciating the company.

Alas, the Joshua Tree is not why we came to this point, and the finale to our voyage had yet to be reached. Now the back of the hollywood sign was no more than an hour’s walk ahead. The trail to this point is starting to thin out, and we have not been seeing the same amount of passer-byers but in a way this fact was calming. Where others have gave up, my family pressed on to reach the satisfaction we so deserve and it was in fact all downhill from here. And Finally we were there.

When I started the Cahuenga peak hike I expected the end to be the most exciting point, but standing behind Hollywood’s white scripted tattoo on the hills I couldn’t help but feel underwhelmed. The hike was over, the worst was behind me, and there was no more grand frontier for us to cross, only a long and arduous walk back to the car. The back of the Hollywood sign is not beautiful. It’s rusted and old and not nearly as promising in hope as its front side. It represents the dark side of the the city. The failed artists and corrupt businessmen caked up with the makeup of the glamour of fame and fortune left with the ironic twist of famous names pressed in stars placed on a dirty sidewalk that gets stepped on by the bums. The beauty removed its mask and the face behind it was jaded and yellow. We began the walk back.

With distaste in my head the returning portion of the hike saved me from discontent. As we crossed back through the Joshua Tree oasis I was reminded that the back of the Hollywood sign is not what I truly came on the hike for. What I truly came for was purely the adventure, and adventure was had. In the end the Joshua Tree is the portion that I will forever remember. Happiness is now to me a journey that has yet to be begun, and the endless knowledge that we can never stop acquiring through life.

[jakeystubbs-blog]

Comment on Gillette Short Film

On January 13th, 2019 Gillete posted a short film titled “We Believe: The Best a Man Can Be.” The short film takes a stance on its prior Slogan “the best a man can get” and pivots to a movement for human equality, claiming the new slogan “the best a man can be” through depictions of sexual harassment and even bullying. More than this, tag lines such as “boys will be boys” persist throughout the roughly two minute clip in order to depict the now failing standards of society. Most generally one could gather through themes in the video that Gillette wants to participate in a broader movement of human rights. To remove the accepted sexual harassment swept under the rug, fight for equality of gender, hold men accountable for their negative actions that are sadly deemed acceptable by the standards of society. This message is one that most would agree is easy to get behind, and beneficial towards the movements and change of society, but why then has it recently received so much backlash. Furthermore is it fair to expect a two minute ad, from a razor company, to be accountable in taking the helm of such broad political activism movements.

At time of writing the short film uploaded to Youtube stands at 29,065,307 million views, 768 thousand likes, and 1.4 million dislikes, and 411 thousand comments. With that being said,if it were Gillette’s goal solely to draw attention, one could certainly claim that they have succeeded and gone above and beyond in their efforts. This is not simply the case though as the ad has fallen to highly substantial controversy with some contestants even attempting to create a boycott of Gillette Razors as a whole. While certainly news publishers praise the boldness and honesty of such an ad, others such as Fox news are not as kind. While this may have been expected, it is very well sad to see the short filmed dismissed as simple feminist propaganda with goals of gaining  attention. Multiple members of society have taken to social media, such as twitter to state ideas such as, “Gillette has made it clear that they do not want the business of masculine men,” and “now i will never use it again.” It is of course disadvantageous to Gillette to see this happen however one columnist at BBC begs the question of what they expected the outcome to be by stating that, “they must have known there would be backlash.”

In my opinion, I support the movement to bring social injustices to light by any means possible, even if this does mean just a two minutes short film by a Gillette razor company. However, with that being said, I do see some clear flaws in the film that may have participated in its controversy. Firstly, while I do agree that all of the social injustices (sexual harassment, gender inequality, aggressive behavior, and bullying) need to be combated, I’m not sure that Gillette didn’t bite off more than they can chew. As stated, the video or short film runs just under two minutes long, many could claim that that is not nearly enough time to tackle all of the concepts presented in the video equally. Each social injustice stated is so bold and broad in its own right, that it’s certainly true that they can each have a separate video for themselves. In other words, I believe that Gillette may have taken on more than they can handle, in further words, they bit off more than they can chew. Secondly, just to play devil’s advocate, I can understand how certain viewers may have seen the short film as an attack of male gendered members of society. All in all, while I fully support the movements demonstrated by Gillette Razors, I believe that the ad simply could have been stronger and have been more beneficial as a demonstrator to society of good human social practices.

[jakeystubbs-blog]

Pop Culture Assignment

One pop culture icon who has always stood out to me, and I’m sure many others, as a role model to society and the youth of society is actor Leonardo Dicaprio through his charitable works in a movement which is very near to my heart: global climate change activism. Leonardo Dicaprio has been in the film industry since he was no more than ten years old which would lead many to assume his character given the stereotype of child actors, though this could in fact not be more far from the truth. Beginning in his early twenties, Dicaprio participated and engaged in discussion of climate change through speaking with former presidents, providing information in talk show interviews, and giving speeches through numerous pep rallies. This has proven to be no phase throughout his life as Dicaprio is now forty four and has persisted in his goals if not increased his efforts. With that being said, as increasingly intimidating the changes are, I believe that the youth of america should look up to Dicaprio in his efforts and strive to replicate his actions even to some smaller scale.

Most individuals would base their knowledge of Dicaprio solely through his numerous roles in high grossing movies such as “The Titanic,” “The Wolf of Wall Street,” and “The Revenant,” however, what most wouldn’t consider is how incredibly extensive his work in advocating the knowledge and fight against global climate change truly is. Dicaprio has now created the “Leonardo Dicaprio Foundation” which claims the goal of being “dedicated to the protection and well-being of Earth’s inhabitants.” Along with this when receiving the Oscar’s best actor award, Dicaprio spoke to how he believes as a nation we need to “reject the politics of greed” and aim to elect officials with goals on improving the Earth. On top of all of this, as an actor who notable has a large income, estimations state that Dicaprio has donated possibly more than thirty million dollars towards these efforts and shows no signs of stopping. It is through these selfless acts, these generous acts, and these conscious non-procrastination based acts that I believe all the youth, and all adults of America should model themselves after in search of a better tomorrow.

[jakeystubbs-blog]

Assignment 2:

I swallowed that beast long long ago

His giddy drip teeth ground short for the show

Thousands of swing dancers clamored high in the wash

They could never settle my brain in pish-posh 

Great elephants with tusks bore up to the air

Bedazzled and bejeweled with braids in their hair

Cujo the fowl rat-at-tats on the snare

Squinting at the crowd in defeat to the glare

With my staff I wield endless powers

Laughing, crying, hysterical for hours

Men and women set free, their children in slumbers 

With egos hopped a’top a clock that crunches numbers

I’m the ring leader of this circus

The welder binding circuits

I’ve gone much to far now for me to call it quits

Taking one or five terrible blows

Tears frozen solid when it snows 

I could be the monster but you’ll never know 

I swallowed that beast, long long ago

Description: This piece to me most accurately describes who I am through analyzing my greatest struggles in life, while as well eluding to symbols,figures, and points in my life that have proven to be the most meaningful to me. The first stanza largely delves into my greatest foe in life which is in fact myself, and as a result dealing and learning how to cope with anxiety and depression. The great elephants are others who have been models for me, “tusks bore up to the air” (helping me find who I am, and what I want out of life). Along with this other points are referenced such as my parents divorced, “men and women set free....” And I do certainly view myself as the ringleader of my life (my circus) and those who I associate myself with (Cujo,) and this does as well speak to my character as a large part of who I am is expressed through my leadership and creativity. Hope the poems says something different to each who read it though, this description is merely what it means to me. 

[jakeystubbs-blog]

Through living a life comprised of the constant devouring of endless songs, albums, EP’s, lyrics, and poems, choosing my favorite songs would be much similar to asking a parent to choose their favorite child. However, there are still certainly songs which have spoken to me in more levels than one. These five songs, which have never failed to unleash my mind into a separate psychological realm, include: “Heart in a Cage” by the Strokes, “Good Vibrations” by the Beach Boys, “Take a Walk on the Wild Side” by Lou Reed, “Dope on a Rope” by the Growlers, and “Iris” by the Goo Goo Dolls. "Heart in a Cage" to me is a song which relates to the Holden Caulfield within every one of us. That demon beneath the skin which is everything you hate but in many ways everything that you are and wish not to be. The Strokes evoke an immense understanding of what it means to be an outcast who is refusing the company of others while still screaming out for help from anyone and everyone on the inside as demonstrated by lyrics such as "I don't want what you want- I don't feel what you feel." It is through these poetic lyrics that the Strokes have and always will cement themselves as my all time favorite band. In a lighter note however songs such as "Good Vibrations" remind me of the vast beauty of the world. When I listen to this song I am plucked from the present and dropped back into a more simple time. A time when I was no more than six years old, vacationing with my family in the Outer Banks, North Carolina. With my toes in a hot tub and a virgin Pina Colada in my hand life made sense to me in ways that I wish I could grasp as easily today. Likewise, "Take a Walk on the Wild Side" represent what is good and enticing about changing with age. The whole message of course does stand within its very title and because of this all listeners, including myself, are encouraged to step into the vast unknown. To try what you've always been afraid of trying, eat the sweet fruits of life until your stomach is full and of course take a nice long nap afterwards; whatever makes you happy. The Growler's "Dope on a Rope" is a song that speaks to me in a largely unique way when contrasted with the others placed on this list. Many would claim that the central idea of the song would be fleeting time through lyrics such as "Everything changes when the last call light shines," however to me it is something much different. To me, the song is of new beginnings, getting what you want out of life and as a result living life to the fullest. The Growlers are a rather new friend in the timeline of my life, but have quickly rose the ranks. I was extremely lucky to have seen them at the Brooklyn Steel on my eighteenth birthday and it is incredibly easy to say that it was one of the most surreal and profound experiences I have yet to come across in my short time on Earth. Lastly “Iris” by the Goo Goo Dolls is by far the most peculiar member to this list and certainly is not written by one of my favorite bands but it is in right by far the most meaningful. When I was a child, when the winds howled, the thunder growled, and the branches were witches claws scratching at my bedroom window I would run to my parents bedroom and cuddle tight to Mom. She would hold me and run her fingers through my hair and ask if I wanted her to sing “the song,” to which I always replied “yes.” “Iris” is my safety net even today. When anxiety strikes, or even if I feel just particularly stressed and far from home, I put on this song and it lets me know that everything is and always will be alright.