jakolerodiaries

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Day 0

Back to Day 0, I can't do it. I guess I will stop logging as I always return to my porn habits. My conclusion is that there is a small percentage that straight boys watches porn. It will be for fun for me and I will just post if I have 1 year sucessful no porn.

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Day 3

It is already my 3rd day of no porn fapping. I cannot substitute girls and I have not done it before. I have still temptations.

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Day 2

It's my Day 2 of my another attempt of stopping watching porn and hopefully it will successful and the last one. I think it last almost a year of not watching pornography and more than 5 months of ceasing fapping which is my longest streak so far.

Day 2 and it seems that I am tempted to watch dicks nd other boys fapping. It is like an addiction for me. Just like Venom when he is taking over Eddie Brock.

Every boys know masturbation and to read my stories about my life you can visit jayrjournal.tumblr.com

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Day 1

My successful another attempt to my continual rejection of porn while fapping.

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Day 0

Back to Day 0 again

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I'm No Homo

No, I'm not gay.

I belong to the less than 10% of straight boys who watches other boys fapping and enjoys it.

I also belong to straight boys who think and have anxiety that they might be gay.

The truth is, I have no other way to divert my attention and I do not want to offend girls.

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Day 0

Back to Zero Again

I am on a cycle of re-watching porn. I am Day 0 again and hoping that I avoid it til my birthday.

My motivation is that I compare and wanted to relieve myself. Watching other boys having sex or watching them fap while fapping myself should be embarrassing but I have no choice.

My pride is affected because of those who murmur and whisper whenever I am around. Like yesterday, I did not know their point and I am unsure about it but it seems that they just want to hinder me or "binabarahan" or they block my ideas just like last November 1 when someone on the right murmured "silahis" and on my back "blue bayot" while I was in the cemetery in All Soul's Day.

I am proving that I am not gay and thinking that maybe I was really brought up like these by my family and relatives and I do not really want to watch other girls naked because I want to have only one girlfriend and girl children too and I have lots of girl cousins.

Everyone throws their sentiment regarding this concept even in school when another said that they just did it to compare but it came from the girl that wanted to defend her boyfriend and it irate me, she said "nagko-compare" lang daw sila but as for me, I enjoyed watching same people like me, I am always finding someone who is attractive like me like handsome, cute, muscular and pleasing to my eyes and the one that I want to be like that was liked and idolized by many boys too and someone that might attract other girls. I have the temptation too of fapping with other boys, I am thinking that maybe it is not a sin because it is a leisure or recreational activity and I am thinking that fapping is not shameful unlike having sex and I got the idea that watching masturbation videos is fine unlike sex videos

Maybe I will please myself with other boys and again choosing fap videos rather than sex videos.

I grew up like this, when I was young about 5 years old, my relative let me touched his penis and I have just an idea that he is older by 5, I think he is 10, that he is bigger than mine and it does not erect like mine. I am thinking that he is teaching and that might be the way to avoid temptation with girls.

I have no choice since it is a cycle of depression and there is no other way to release my anger, anxiety and depression and thinking now that fapping videos is only for brotherhood and not shameful so I am opting again to choose it rather than sex videos. This is how I relate to other boys since I have no friends up until now and what I am choosing to watch is someone like me too. Besides, I am thinking that war was solved because of guys fapping together "cum together right now over here, we will, we will rock you" and "imagine all the Beatles", all my friends and me fapping together, there is peace and no hatred as long as they are not our enemies. As long as they are not that old or ugly.

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Day 1

The New Beginning

_

6:47 pm

11/3/2024

This is gonna be my first day of my another attempt to stop watching porn.

I uploaded my latest video on my superjayrVLOGS for my gaming and studies.

I had a nice day, did not get angry because I also had uncontrollable anger issues. (Gonna post it on my jayrjournal.tumblr.com)

I was always hoping for a fresh start and although I am always depressed and suicidal ever since I was 5 years old and during my High School and College years, there is part in me that wanted to pursue my dreams. (more on it on my other blogs)

I think after 34 years of rejecting and doubting if fapping is a sin, I came up with a conclusion that it is not because I know American culture and I am a boy and had no choice but to comfort myself since I have no girlfriend.

My 1st Day is fine since today is also Sunday and Sabbath Day or Jesus' Day in my religion, Born-Again Christian and hoping I can do it whole year round till forever of not watching gay porn.

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Day 0

My Fresh New Life

6:02 am

11/2/2024

_

Today is my Day 0 again. Here I go again. I will be 34 years old on November 22.

I want to achieve 20 days till my birthday until forever of having no porn. I am still thinking that I do want to substitute the other way around (besides, I am only attracted to pretty = beautiful + cute girls but i am kinda shy, thinking that I am undeserving and it sounds corny and cheesy).

It is kinda hard because every month I want to change my bad habits of watching porn and today is the second day of the month and it will be hard for the whole month to change just like new year's resolutions every new year.

I hope I can be better. I hope I can still change. I hope I can have friends and girlfriend. I hope I can have a job.

I do not know but I am thinking that it is hard to find someone in my age bracket who still had no relationship or pure and innocent like me. Was it true that all things are possible to Jesus?

Today is my Day 0 of not watching gay porn for it is my habit for 34 years and it is so hard to change my bad habits since 4 and 16 years old when I was graduating High School.

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My Jakolero Life

Join me in my adventure as an eligible Bachelor believing in purity but had trouble with gay pornography because that is how I grew.

My name is @doc_jayr, I am 33 years old and turning 34 this year who is still a virgin and never had a girlfriend since birth.

I wish I had a girlfriend but what I really want is a beautiful and cute one that is petite and smaller than me, it does not matter what is her complexion, I like white and brown. I am smart so I also want a smart one and what I want is someone who cannot be thrown any negative thoughts or bad mouthed because of her looks because it might change how I look at her and me myself might also criticize her. I want a pretty one because I do not want it to be awkward nor get disgusted with her.

Having romance now I think not unlike before seems cheesy and corny and I am thinking that I did not deserve it because of my porn habits (more on my porn habits on my next post).

I had a troubled life and bad past and I looking for something that can excite me. I am thinking that my life is boring and now I am thinking that I am really undeserving of a comfortable life because of my bad habits. (more on this in my future posts).

I go against the flow because it is really awkward for me since I knew that everyone do straight pornography and whenever I am starting it, there is more guilt because I am a Born-again Christian and I want to marry and have girls and boys kids too. I want to divert my attention from bad memories and want to erase it trough watching porn because I was bullied a lot and I have dreams to fulfill. I am 34 years old and I am still unfulfilled financially. I am still thinking that I am undeserving. (more on my dreams)

They said in the web that there are percentage of straight boys who watch gay porn and I am one of them because I am not gay and does not want to admit that I am because that is not what I am over 34 years, I reject it and I can assume some things that I am not because it is also a product of bullying.

I grew up this way because I want to have something that I want to stand for and that is not fapping on girls because they are more delicate than boys and more prone to exploitation and abuse but I am thinking that boys like me too can experience the same.

I defended girls over 34 years and I do not want to change my habit just to say that I belong or am straight because I watch straight porn but realizing now, I still do not know what to believe because society still dictates that it is still a norm and I am just watching to alleviate depression and anxiety and have comfort and every boys did the same to see how they measure up with their fellow friends and to impress boys and girls alike. I just want to become part of a society where I can belong because I do not have friends. I am a Born-again Christian thinking now that maybe lying the same way as marriage to same gender or cross-dressing and not just comparing to other people is sin and I am trying to defend just looking to nude males to compare ever since I was a kid is not the same as the thing written in the Bible where there is someone who corrupts the church because a woman collects nude images of boys and looking now, Greeks have nude paintings and sculptures of naked men. I am thinking what if a boy did it because it is a gender and age concern and purity is a thing for Christians. I want to marry a virgin because I am a virgin too. I do not know if it still matters and if I am deserving of it.

What I did is to become cool because I am against the flow and to pleasure and have comfort and to erase bad and embarrassing memories from bullying but what if without porn, can I do it?

Now is my Day 0 and Join me in my Day 1 in becoming a true man because I am still an awkward young adult or youth.

I want to live a fresh, clean, pure, fateful and faithful life to Jesus.

Action speaks louder than words and practice makes perfect.

I am thinking that masturbating is not bad because unlike in the Bible it is considered fine because emission are considered part of boy life and I am not sure about other stories but I have a troubled past and Jesus did give me my partner yet. Maybe with a little push. I should try harder and give my best.

Join me (@doc_jayr) in my Jakolero Life here on jakolerodiaries.