jamblog

[jamblog]

you’d be a handsome boy

the craziest thing ever happened to me yesterday and i’m supposed to just keep on going on like normal? the earth didn’t shatter and u didn’t leave yet and i’m waiting on baited breath hoping you’ll say it again and again and again and things will be brand new

[jamblog]

your apathy’s my loneliness

you’ll never truly know me isn’t that sad. yet i’ll forever say you’re the best i ever had.

jamxx

[jamblog]

i never learned how to put my hair in a ponytail and it's traumatized me ever since

i often think about what i could've been. i see beautiful girls all the time and wish i could at least be a normal one. what's it like to be a pretty face, with skin to match your elegance and grace?

:) jam

[jamblog]

how do i subtly tell you to call me baby boy?

if i could i’d reach out and pull you into my brain. let the thoughts i can’t put into words drown you until you finally understand me better than i do myself. wave after wave salt in your lungs. once the tide settles you’d never look at me the same way, and maybe that’s a good thing. i tell you i have no secrets but it’s only because i have things locked away in my mind i’ve vowed to never speak. i’ve thrown away the key. could you break the door down and dive in? no talking no embarrassing confessions cause once the words hit your teeth they’re coated in reality and it leaves an awful taste in the mouth.

it’s safer to hide and stay low low low. so just keep calling me baby, boy.

[jamblog]

this won’t happen again next summer i say just like i said this won’t happen again on new year’s eve. i’ll be someone new someone better someone worth knowing and sticking around for. the air is thick and my thoughts melt dripping out my ears. i’ll never be alone again i say. the heat messes with my head and my face is no longer my own i’ve lost control. on my birthday i’ll say it again: this won’t happen again next year. will there be a next year? i hope there’ll be a next year. i’ll be someone worth knowing i’ll be someone worth living for.

[jamblog]

turns out i'm always wrong, never to blame

maybe one day all the pieces will click into place and make sense. i'll know what i want and go and get it. maybe in heaven i get to be a boy. i'm afraid of permanence and can never be wrong, maybe that's why everyone leaves and i'm never to blame. throw the photo album in the trash, every past snapshot fills me with shame. there's an ache in my chest and a lump in my throat like something's trying to jump out of me. is it the final puzzle piece, the key to seeing the bigger picture? they all left in the end and i wish i could too. now i'm the only one in my photos. can't leave myself can't be embarrassed. stuck with the one they don't want. one man's trash, another's reflection in the mirror.

i'm afraid i'm wasting my 20s, throwing away my youth. at home, alone every night like when i was a teen. wasted my teens and wasted my childhood head stuck in the clouds with no real potential. why break the chain? it's like i have no choice but to waste away. rinse and repeat.

xx jam

[jamblog]

been having a lot of emotions lately and listening to way too much fob so i’m starting a fuck ass emo pw style blog.