jamisonp222

[jamisonp222]

I do not question if I am worthy. I do not question if I am kind. I do not question my own character and I do not let anyone decide who I am supposed to be. I do not question if I am pretty. I do not question if I am a healthy or beautiful weight. I do not question who I am because I know who I am and it took me many years to learn that I am not the things that haunt me. I don’t know why I let people break my esteem so easily. My confidence that I took so long to build and I was certain it was strong. Little did I know how easily it bends and breaks and hurts and takes everything away from me. I was not aware I was so weak that I let strangers and people with bad intentions determine how I feel about myself.

[jamisonp222]

Wow! Two and a half months of college! What a weird little life I’m living. University life is like if being so indescribably happy and laughing until your stomach hurts quite often felt really bad and scary and daunting. I am often hoping that my capacity to feel every possible emotion isn’t ruining it all for me. I am both gifted and cursed with articulation. I can turn nothing into everything, but… I can turn nothing into everything.

August

The gravity of my decision to move away from home didn’t really hit me until three weeks before I left. I never really sat down with myself and weighed the pros and cons of leaving Foust Hollow Oaks. I just kind of said I was moving away, and that was that. I am partially proud of myself for doing that, and partially scolding myself like a child. The reality is, I never really made choices that involved myself and only myself. My life always revolved around the well being of my family because things were never well. Up until my senior year, I was just going to do school virtually and take care of my parents. Someone had to make sure they didn’t ruin themselves for good. They mostly always took care of me, so the decision to return the favor was an absolute given. But then everything changed and there was all this hope and I was allowed to start making other plans. Then leaving was also a given. August was really scary and really weird. I think it changed me forever. It was filled with confusion and regret and excitement and desire and everything that was in the middle. I felt so tied to home, so bound to it and no new experience loosened that even a little bit. And the best way out is through, so I started cutting the ties right down the middle. I always thought digging my teeth into everything that could possibly be good was the only way to survive, but it only ended up hurting me in the end. I had to pry my lips off of everything that kept me from my new life, and all I really have to show for it in the end is a toothache and a stomach full of wishing I could take it back. I think August opened my eyes to the fact that I really won’t be the same forever and things will change whether I’m blocking the fork in the road with my body or not. It’s still a fork in the road after all. So I let things change and I blew with the wind and I hated doing it because the wind is invisible but it still runs through my fingers and sticks my hair to my lip gloss so I know it’s there. It’s just as real as everything else has been. August was my eulogy and I have not been that girl since and I am still deciding whether or not I’m okay with that or not.

September

September was purposed to forget. I had set my mind on not remembering anything from the past anymore, and starting over. Which sounds good in theory, but really I just numbed myself. I numbed myself from the pain of losing my boyfriend who was my best friend and everything I had planned my future around. I set him free and forced myself to not think of him even a little bit to try and spare us both. I didn’t visit home often. Home reminded me of everything I wasn’t supposed to be reminded of so I stayed away. I drank a lot, I went out a lot, I met a boy and I tried to trick myself into thinking he was someone better and I benefited none. I made a lot of new friends and met a lot of new people but none of them were capable of filling the hole in my heart that used to be set aside for genuine and authentic love that means something. September I try to forget now, because it wasn’t who I am. It was a costume I tried on and played around in, but it wasn’t me. I’m still finding me.

October

October was a bandaid on a bullet hole. I tried to feel better, but the realization of all I had lost and all I may not gain really set in for me. I started to hurt, badly. But there was also so many good moments and so many new lessons learned. I really began to rekindle the relationship with my three best friends and roommates that had been lost. I was so preoccupied with being in love for nine months that I realized I had neglected them in the process. So learning them and growing around them like vines on a tree was really special and really rewarding. Their sisterhood is irreplaceable and the memories we’ve made in 321 are ones that I will think of fondly for the rest of my life. I lost my mind periodically over a boy in a fraternity that used me and lied to me and treated me like gum on the bottom of his shoe. But he’s 5’7 so I recovered quite quickly. It still hurts, and what he did to me is something that will haunt me for a long time, but it’s okay. It was one of my lessons I learned. I was Aurora for Halloween and also a hot pink bunny. I danced around my room and around dance floors a lot and I felt very free. I am confined to the choices and mistakes I’ve made but I haven’t become them. I won’t let myself become them. I think that somehow I deserve happiness and I will find it in some unorthodox way. I always do. So that was my recap and how I feel and I think that in time I will be okay and I will learn to love a life that does not feel like my own. Maybe it’ll even feel like mine someday.

[jamisonp222]

It’s been about three years since I’ve written anything on this little blog. Last time I made a post, I was fifteen and a freshman in high school. Now I am eighteen and just graduated a couple of months ago. I have changed some since, but mostly I’m the same girl I always have been. I originally started this hobby because I was running out of reasons to want to stay alive. I was going through the hardest period of my life thus far, and I clung to documentation. Taking photos and writing everything down about my day to day life so that I could see the purpose of it all. Which sounds stupid to someone of sound mind I’m sure. But to me, it makes perfect sense. It is so strange to be able to vividly remember a time, not too long ago at all, that i physically could not get out of bed in the mornings. That everyday felt pointless. That I truly did not have a sense of belonging in any aspect of my life and felt invisible to absolutely everyone. I was alone. And I couldn’t feel many emotions back then, and if I did i couldn’t name them. But there were two prominent ones: Anger and Fear. I was angry at my family, I was angry at God, I was angry at anyone who cast me aside and made me feel isolated. I was scared because what if it would be like this forever? What if this was my life now? What if mom and dad don’t love me? What if the war inside my home and out in the world rages forever and this is how I’ll be forced to live? I was scared because everyday became wake up, suffer, and repeat. I was sacred because I couldn’t live that way anymore, and my options were limited. I numbed every other possible emotion.

Now keep in mind, these were very formative moments in my growing up. Starting high school, figuring out my place in the world, and trying to succeed at both at the same time. Those tasks are already daunting enough. And then there’s the teenage girl emotions like the dramatics and overreacting that are usually maintainable. But then imagine throwing in a virus capable of shutting down the world and convincing everyone they have a greater likelihood of… well dying, an eating disorder, and a once happy family turned to a tragic tale that could’ve held a feature in Anna Karenina. That’s a lot to throw at a fourteen year old girl who was used to living a very happy and mostly average life minus a few bumps in the road. So anyways, no suicide was not and never will be a valid solution for me to come to. But can you blame me? It wasn’t looking very good for me. I was doomed.

So anyways, I started the Tumblr blog and wrote about reasons that my life maybe didn’t suck so bad after all. And I took pictures of those things and attached them and it made me feel a little better about hating myself and everyone else. And then, February started turning into March of 2021. The sun started shining and there were less positive covid tests. It had been a year of that after all. My parents started smiling a little and even if their smiles were fake it was a start. I kind of started smiling a little. And I was able to convince myself, all by myself, that my life was worth something and I could become anyone I wanted to be. It was a long process. I spent many days in pain and many nights staring at my ceiling contemplating the meaning of the Universe and what the hell that meant for me. But I was inching my way towards the happiness and normalcy I thought was gone for good. I started finding my people in school, I started waking up with a purpose, I started caring about my health and the state of my environment. I started to feel love again, I started to love again. I spent so long being afraid of this dreadful unrequited love I kept receiving that took the life out of me. But that fear diminished when I truly started to feel the love of my parents again, when I started building true friendships and broke down all the tall and stubborn walls I had built up around my heart and mind. I started talking about my feelings and understanding them in their big scary entirety. I got help: I found out there were medications, coping mechanisms and all kinds of resources to treat my intense anxiety and depression. I was me again.

Trust me, it took a LONG time and I could hardly believe it. But I started to wake up and WANT to get out of bed so I could live another amazing day of this amazing life I created. I followed the word of the Lord and cast my fears and cares on Him and allowed Him to help me grow from this awful experience. And what made it even more special was the fact that I paved my own way. I hit rock bottom, I felt true hopelessness, and I saw everything I used to know mold into some scary nightmare dumpster fire. But I rose from those ashes. I couldn’t figure out how to rebuild what was lost, so I made it into something new and exciting and fun and full of love and life and light. I made it into something that was mine. I did that. Without anyone else. At the time, no one wanted to help me. I mean, Jesus did but I held so much resentment at that time. No one cared. But I cared, and that is truly all it takes. We are the masters of our own fate. We decide whether or not we’re going to bed rot in our depression rooms or if we’re going to get up and clean them. We decide if we’re going to nurture our bodies. We decide if we’re going to make an effort with our relationship with God. We decide to rekindle the relationships with the people we love, no matter how much they hurt us or how hard it is to trust them. Nothing good will happen if you don’t force it to.

All that to say, it gets better. There’s always a way out of it. It’s not too late. You’re worth all the hard work it will take to get better.

[jamisonp222]

“Worrying is stupid, it’s like walking around with an umbrella waiting for it to rain.”

— Wiz Khalifa

[jamisonp222]

It is a very scary thing to look at someone you love more than you love yourself, and see a stranger. It is painful and foreign, it is a feeling I would not wish upon anyone else. I still see glimpses of the person that I used to know. I still see them trying to be who they once were, but they’re different. Maybe that’s the point. Maybe people grow and with that growth they change. But how do we know if change is good or bad? How do we determine if we like the differences that have been made? I think I’ve decided that isn’t up to me. People change, and that is none of my business. I should accept their change and love them just as much as I always have, if not more. It’s a switch of the seasons, a sign of the times. Growth is inevitable, feelings vary and living is more than just life. So let’s celebrate that, let’s celebrate change, let’s celebrate strangers. Better yet, let’s keep up with change. Let’s not let it get to the point where we haven’t caught up with someone in so long that we don’t recognize them anymore.

[jamisonp222]

“Everybody has a secret world inside of them. All of the people of the world, I mean everybody. No matter how dull and boring they are on the outside, inside them they’ve all got unimaginable, magnificent, wonderful, stupid, amazing worlds. Not just one world. Hundreds of them. Thousands maybe.”

— Neil Gaiman

[jamisonp222]

“I want to inspire people. One day I hope someone looks at me and says “because of you, I didn’t give up.””

— Unknown

[jamisonp222]

They told me once, "there's a place where love conquers all" A city with the streets full of milk and honey I haven't found it yet, but I'm still searching All I know is a hopeless place that flows with the blood of my kin Perhaps hopeless isn't a place Nothing but a state of mind They told me once, "don't trust the moon, she's always changing" The shores bend and break for her And she begs to be loved But nothing here is as it seems

- halsey (good mourning)

[jamisonp222]

girls deserve to feel comfortable existing in their body in every way. girls deserve to not be sexualized just for existing. girls deserve to feel safe in the body theyre in. girls deserve to feel beautiful in their most natural states. girls deserve to exist and take up space

[jamisonp222]

“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.”

— Ralph Waldo Emerson (via quotefeeling)

[jamisonp222]

The Princess Diaries (2001) dir. Garry Marshall

[jamisonp222]

THIS RIGHT HERE

I think the major fault of any Pride and prejudice adaptation is presenting Mr Darcy as awkward and longing from minute one bc everybody knows he's the love interest. What I REALLY want to know, though, is something closer to the book, where you see him through Lizzy's eyes. Gimme an adaptation where Darcy is just an asshole, cruelly smirking and barely looking at the heroine! Gimme a flashback sequence after the letter where we see Elizabeth's perspective shift, where we see Darcy's eyes following her while she's not looking, Humpty Dumpty in Puss in boots style! Gimme the feeling of having to radically change my perspective on a man I previously hated and grow to love him, instead of asking myself how Elizabeth can be so oblivious to his infuriatingly obvious crush!

[jamisonp222]

fuck literary gatekeeping, read whatever you want.

[jamisonp222]

find what you love, romanticize the fuck out of it, long for it, don't reply to their texts.

[jamisonp222]

“I like it when it rains hard. It sounds like white noise everywhere, which is like silence but not empty.”

— Mark Haddon, The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time (via thoughtkick)

[jamisonp222]

Mentally I’m here

Forget the fears. Forget hatred. Forget revenge. Love is all you need.

poetry-siir ©

[jamisonp222]

my hobbies include staying up for hours at night stuck in a cycle of romanticizing the future and building up a deep infatuation for it and then proceeding to fear it.