jankslide

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Killa Klay

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Swipe Left

Okay so just something that I have been thinking about dating apps. So this is me just throwing my perspective into the ring and that's this, i swipe left on people im attracted to. And maybe some part of this reasoning can be taken as low self-esteem but this is my logic. Sometimes i see a profile of a woman and i just think that she would never be into me. Like i think i should save her the time and i swipe left because i think she's out of my league already. I literally think "she would not be into me" and swipe left lol. Maybe some part of that is that im conserving the right swipes i have, but thats a lot more of an excuse than an influence. I also always swipe left if i dont meet the criteria for a "swipe right if" prompt. I dont know how to start a conversation anyways, might as well not also add trying to make up for something they're looking for that i cant provide. I dunno, swiping left.

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My First Date?

Okay so I was talking with Matt, my roommate for those of you who forgot, about when his anniversary was with his girlfriend. And he was saying it was like four days after valentine's day. And I was joking cuz we went to a basketball game together on Valentine's day, so obviously he couldn't do anything with her cuz he committed to hang out with me. I would understand if he was tryna do something else, but it wouldn't been really lame if he bailed. so yeah. I like to think that since they started seeing each other at the end of January this helped to prevent what could have been a precarious valentine's day (too early?) situation. But they're both pretty chill so I doubt that this plan had any effect or bearing on their relationship. Anyways, I'm getting a little side tracked here. So he was telling me about how their anniversary was a little after valentine's day, and I was referring to it as like the first date after valentine's day is when it was. And I guess we got caught up on the miscommunication about the date.

But the point I was trying to get at was like what event like triggered the anniversary to be on a specific day. It's not like a birth where it just happens at a time. There's probably points of fluctuation so it's should be grounded in like an event or whatever. I've never been in a relationship so I have no idea how this would be determined. In my own head, I always imagine it being like the first date you went on probably. Like you retroactively decide the date rather than it being in an event in the present. So you would consider you first date the anniversary, but you don't decide this until like 2-3 months when you feel established as in a relationship or something, again I didn't know. Matt said that was the day he asked Veronica to be his girlfriend. So like that anniversary is grounded in that specific day of asking to be like official I guess. Exclusive one could say. Then that started to make me think about my cousin Jalen. Because I remember when he was telling us a story about when he asked his girlfriend to be his girlfriend. Like that was a thing, an event. So that could probably be when their anniversary is, but I don't know. never have asked.

Here's a quick tangent I need to go on before continuing. In terms of gift giving, unless the person is incredibly materialistic, it really is the thought that counts. Like a gift where they've really put some thought into the gift and come to something that you can really appreciate (whether in actuality or just for the sentiment), that's just really nice to receive. To some degree it's about the gift, but for most people, the sentiment is what matters.

So when I was in eighth grade I had this friend, Maya. We were like in a little friend group, our parents at the least were in somewhat in a friend group. I don't really feel the need to get into relationship dynamics between me, families, and my K-8 in general; this is all to say the point is this. We were like good friends. And I guess Maya liked me because one time she sent me this risky ass text, which in hindsight was basically like a confession of having a crush on me or whatever. I definitely didn't understand what exactly this long text meant at the time or I could have had some sort of willful ignorance to it. Anyways, I was into a different girl at the time and would remain hung up on her and do nothing about it until I graduated. I also never responded to the text, which must have been a fucking awful ass move on my part. I am not going to get self-loathing reminiscing about this whole situation but yeah it was bad. We had a school dance, in which the last song I was dancing with Maya, and I was like shit this the last dance I gotta bounce and try and dance with the girl I was into at the time. That was definitely a dick move to her; I think I was still being oblivious to it, but that was probably a hit to her self-esteem. I also didn't dance with who I had a crush on so doubly stupid.

Okay so at this point I am in high school. I take the train home on my way back from high school. I pass by Maya high school to get there. In hindsight there was a better location to stop for us to meet, but being a stupid kid I didn't really think of this and so she would have to get dropped off to meet at the mall. I really had no sense of distance as a kid. So since we were like better friends in K-8, we still have contact and I guess I kinda bring up the risky text she sent. And yeah so if I think back on this now. My point in this was to fall back on her because I wasn't able to have any relationship. I didn't "talk to girls" in high school; sidenote: here's how autistic I am about that phrase being taken literal. It's not can you like talk to girls just in general; it's talking to girls with a romantic motive. So yeah, I can't talk to girls. So in high school I couldn't talk to girls. So I also struck out when I got peer pressured at a graduation party to ask out my crush. The way I did it was also just horrendous all around: execution, timing, dynamic. So basically I have brought back to my brain girl + old text = Maya? This was kinda lame on my part I can admit. It's like using her as a rebound without the being in a relationship at first myself thing. I'm not saying she was still interested, because looking back it's hard to recall if this was ever established as a date.

So we hung out at the mall together after school. It was around her birthday, but I didn't get her a present prior to meeting up. I'm honestly glad I got to a point where I let texts auto-delete because it's not healthy to have spent the time reliving the past for accuracy. I don't read back on texts for fun; at least, not in a long long while. Time is so finite and I like to try and use it. We ate panda express together at the food court first. I insisted on paying for her food. She was tryna to pay for herself, but I was pretty insistent on me paying. Then we sat down and ate and I was trying to convince her to download a one piece mobile game, also possibly in hopes of her picking up the anime. I don't watch and indulge in anime like I used to. It's more like spurts of binging. Netflix got me fucked introducing this sort of culture. Anyways, she didn't want the app but downloaded it just to amuse me I'm sure. We went looking around at the different shops and I asked her what she wanted for her birthday from hot topic. No thought into my gift because I straight up just had her pick out her own present. Then I don't know. We hung out, when I had to leave we hugged outside and I was running off to try and catch my train.

That night I was texting her and I asked, which present was better her best friend's or her boyfriend's? Yo she put a Full Stop to that. I wonder where I got this idea, but the truth is the lack of experience of ever talking with other people really made me have no idea. I naively thought that from first date to break up is when people are in a relationship (significant others, s/o, bf/gf, gf/gf, bf/bf, whatever). How my understanding has expanding since this moment ninth grade. This is to say I should have known his anniversary was probably just when he asked to be bf/gf. I'm honestly sorry for all the stupid grief I gave to Maya. We didn't talk for a bit after that, but I would see her when our parents would have a get together and stuff. We're cool now. We even live in the same city, thought we've not once hung out. But that's not something I care to much about. We're cool

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Optics are everything

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Pet Peeves #1

So just to clarify, this isn't the number one pet peeve in my mind that's worse than everyone pet peeve i could ever conceive. This is simply a way to number this stem of thoughts about pet peeves. I merely would like to attempt to keep track to see how many can accumulate. Maybe i can even go back to this and think the pet peeves were silly to have ever had.

With that being said the one I have just thought of is definitely not the worst pet peeve of mine. I'll probably always have it though. It's getting the joint too wet. Like slobbering on it. Sure it can be kinda annoying with a pen too when someone is slobbering it up and it gets back to you wet. Whatever, i'll just wipe that shit off with my sleeve. Lets disregard your feeling on someone else's saliva all over your pen. But look, i cant do that shit with a joint/blunt/ whatever. I can even dry off the pipe at least if this was somehow a problem. On the joint it just absorbs the wetness. It's just gets like so fucking damp because it's absorbing all that shit up. Its like cardboard and paper, shit's gonna absorb the moisture. Bro especially if you have/made with a filter. That's gonna be so damp the rest of the session.

You can thank this peeve to Odette. It hasn't only happened with her, but it's definitely happened several times with her. Like bro it shouldnt be wet. Why's it damp when im taking another hit? How come no one else gets it this damp? How do i prevent myself from doing it when we're pulling seemingly the same way? So after so many times, I say something. I'm so faded i probably dont remember what i said exactly. Probably like bruh whys it so wet? Odette i dont remember having any reaction. Couldnt even tell you the occassion she was at the house. But i finally saw her take a hit and it all made sense. She puts her lips around the fucking joint like youre taking a drink out of a straw. Like of course its getting so wet, i guess that means the inside of her lips are always hella moist. But yeah at this point i live with this. I find my laugh is easier to not bring it up then get into something with someone for no reason.

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NBA Christmas 2023

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Joshua's Tree

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Individualism and Community

Something that I have been thinking about lately is how individualistic we are as a society. I was discussing with Matt. Basically we were talking about how Japan's population growth is so fucked, it looks very top heavy because of the absurd amount of elderly and the waning young population. Now by all means we are no experts on population growth or the social/political standards of Japan in general, let alone specific factors that can cause this. But the kinda general idea we were getting at was how could a culture as community based as Japan be having these issues? Like it's built into their culture the value of family and how they care for the elderly and the elderly stay active mentally/physically longer, in part because of sense of community within family and geographic neighborhood. Like the layman's understanding of Japan's issue is that the younger generation have no interest?, or some sort of barrier preventing them from having intimate interactions with each other. The Japanese young adult male has been characterized, the accuracy is up for debate, as isolated/lonely/overworked. Whether it's the work that leaves no mental energy for interpersonal connections. Or it's the overwhelming dread of the dating market. They have found solace in other forms, most recognized being anime or vocaloids. Which has in our amateur opinion, really harmed the population growth of Japan as a whole, causing these issues with a waning upcoming generation.

This entire discussion on Japan kinda just served as a precursor to some of the other issues with individualism. The use for television, and cable, as a member of the internet generation is basically nonexistent. You need it for sports, but streaming alternatives exists in league pass (or national games have the youtube TV option). Most people rely upon youtube, a number of streaming services, and various video sharing social media (tiktok being the largest that comes to mind, vine/musically once shared this market space) for video entertainment. The content that people engage in is so specific and individualized at this point. Couch socializing is dead. The fuck is couch socializing? I guess i would characterize this term I've just created as this: the communication and conversations that occurred from a shared bonding experience of indulging in TV. This is a time when everyone had the TV as their only source of video content. There were multiple people in the household, so the decision of what to watch may commonly have been an executive decision, but a decision that everyone would partake in ( a child's influence on what channel's on Friday night was likely nonexistent in comparison to their parent). This was a time when conversation could be had during the program, during the commercials, while you were waiting for "your show" ( another phrase that seems to have died) to start. This time just provided such a natural instance for you to converse with your family, roommates, whoever was there to watch.

I used to hate commercials, but I really see the positive perspective of them at this point. TV commercials were such a natural break in programming. The annoyance of the unskippable youtube ad doesn't exist here. You know roughly when the commercials are coming, you know roughly how long the commercials last. Need to use the bathroom? Want to get a snack? Need a beverage before the climax of the episode? The commercial gives you that break, involuntarily; yet so uniform was the experience, you could plan around it. The amount of marketing and consumerism fed to the average person cant possibly have been at a higher point than it is currently. Ads have more variety than commercials? Maybe, but not in my experience. I do have a strong guttural feeling that im exposed to more commercials(ads) than ever before in my life. Whether youtube midrolls, the youtuber's sponsor, or the myriad of scrollable suprise sponsorships on tik tok, the amount of messaging you're exposed are at astronomical levels. Theyre just as ivoluntary as TV, but the sheer number we must because of how diverse video content is; honestly, tragic how much of my visual intake must be ads at this point. You get trapped in the tik tok or instagram feed; the addiction of social media helps to feed more messaging to you (consequently increasing the value of advertising on their platform). Commercial were involuntary but uniformly lasted long enough for you be able to plan breaks. The trap of social media addiction doesnt allow this luxury of natural breaks. One swipe eliminates a tik tok ad. 5 seconds allows you to skip a youtube ad. This skippability is beneficial from an impatience stand point. But it secretly ruins youre self-discipline. No natural commercial break to let you think, yeah i'll turn off the tv and do something else. The ads are too short for you to divert your attention elsewhere, another design to help trap you in the app. It's crazy how these realizations have induced a longing for TV as it used to be.

The final point in this i want to mention is the value of limited television. There are just so many different shows, on so many streaming platforms, that cater to so many different demographics, it's hard to find the commonality of shows between people. Seinfeld is probably one of the most well-known examples of the idea I'm getting at. Seinfeld was a cultural phenomenon. Everybody watched Seinfeld and knew what it was. After the new episode premiered, you know that's gonna garner some level of discussion the next day at work. This was a show that brought so many different people together. It was so huge you knew that other people had seen it, so an immediate conversation topic presented itself. Streaming has its heavy hitters (stranger things for one) but it really isn't the same. You were limited to what was on TV. A show you didn’t love would still likely be one you indulged because the other options werent present. Now with such an abundance of media, you can find it hard to carve the time to binge a show. Binging has also killed this weekly conversation topic, but thats a discussion for another post. The point was the limitation of television shows helped to create that sense of community, which is somewhat lost at this point. Streaming, youtube, vimeo, access to bingeable older media has given too many options to oppose the popular culture show. You dont even need to watch other high production media as a substitute ( you got youtube with its variety of content). No need to buy the boxset of an older show with some reruns that intrigued you to watch the rest; streaming and piracy give you this option at limited cost or free. There's just too many options; the shared indulgence of visual culture is not gone by any means, but the point is how specific and catered it is at this point. The wide appeal and connection that this medium once provided has significantly been diminished. I just wish for a more community based environment; it's tough living in an individualistic society without a sense of how to socialize.