janpieterzoonapologist

[janpieterzoonapologist]

Have some wholesome JP headcanons

Being one of his retainers comes with a truly robust benefits package, including a comprehensive mental healthcare plan and more PTO than can reasonably be used.

He thinks he's super slick and none of his retainers know about his feeding restriction. They do. They all do. But they play dumb because they don't want to hurt his feelings.

His retainers have a "protect at all costs" policy because 1: they've got a pretty good idea regarding the origin of his feeding restriction, and 2: he's just so endearingly awkward, someone needs to look after him.

Spends an inordinate amount of time playing Tetris. He is very good at it.

[janpieterzoonapologist]

lmfao

[janpieterzoonapologist]

IDK what Jan did in Eternal Hearts after he punched his way out of the aquarium, probably something edgy, but I'm so disappointed he didn't sit on the edge and use Dominate and Presence to lure the hunters into the water and drown them all like a mermaid with fangs.

[janpieterzoonapologist]

Some NSFW headcanons literally no one asked for

A = Aftercare (What they’re like after sex): 

Undisputed King of Aftercare. He is your humble servant for the rest of the night. Comb your hair, make you a cup of tea, he’d probably find a way to get fresh-caught Alaskan king crab at 3 am if that’s what you wanted.

B = Body part (Their favourite body part of theirs and also their partner’s): 

He has a nice jawline and he knows it. He loves every inch of his partners’ bodies, but is particularly fond of the small of the back. Perfect place to rest his hands.

C = Cum (Anything to do with cum basically… I’m a disgusting person): 

Ventrue barely do blood, what makes you think they get involved in other bodily fluids?

D = Dirty Secret (Pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs): 

If you know, you know, and if you don’t, you’re lucky.

E = Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?): 

I mean, he managed a relationship with Lucita, so he probably has to know what he’s doing.

F = Favourite Position (This goes without saying. Will probably include a visual):

He likes being ridden like a draft horse.

G = Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment, or are they humorous, etc):

Typically more serious, but if you set the tone lighter he’ll happily follow along.

H = Hair (How well groomed are they, does the carpet match the drapes, etc.): 

Impeccably manscaped.

I = Intimacy (How are they during the moment, romantic aspect…): 

Almost too romantic, even if you’re in the middle of a scene that doesn’t call for it.

J = Jack Off (Masturbation headcanon): 

He doesn’t mind watching, but prefers to get you off himself.

K = Kink (One or more of their kinks): 

BDSM. The contract you’ll have to sign is like 30 pages though.

L = Location (Favourite places to do the do): 

If he’s going to bed you, he’s going to do it properly. King-size four-poster, satin sheets, the works.

M = Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going): 

He seems like the type to be really into lingerie.

N = NO (Something they wouldn’t do, turn offs): 

If he ever does something that makes you uncomfortable and you don’t immediately tell him, he will not speak to you for weeks.

O = Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc): 

He won’t say no if you offer, but he probably wouldn’t think to ask. Tends to go down on his partners as part of the foreplay and only rarely makes it the main event.

P = Pace (Are they fast and rough? Slow and sensual? etc.): 

Slow and teasing.

Q = Quickie (Their opinions on quickies rather than proper sex, how often, etc.):

Prefers proper sex, but occasionally only has time for quickies

R = Risk (Are they game to experiment, do they take risks, etc.): 

As long as you have a safeword in place, he’s up for almost anything.

S = Stamina (How many rounds can they go for, how long do they last…): 

If he has a free night, he will devote every moment of it to pleasing you.

T = Toy (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?): 

Has a decent collection of high-end toys to use on his partners.

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease): 

Loves to tease you until you’re begging for him.

V = Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make): 

He’s not particularly vocal, but nothing arouses him more than an enthusiastically loud partner.

W = Wild Card (Get a random headcanon for the character of your choice

If you ever turn the tables and do aftercare on him, he’d probably cry.

X = X-Ray (Let’s see what’s going on in those pants, picture or words): 

I believe “heavy” was the descriptor Lucy Taylor chose.

Y = Yearning (How high is their sex drive?): 

Higher than he’d like it to be.

Z = ZZZ (… how quickly they fall asleep afterwards): 

If he falls asleep afterward, how can he watch you sleep for an almost uncomfortable amount of time?

[janpieterzoonapologist]

Jan Pieterzoon in the aquarium https://www.deviantart.com/nk11/art/Jan-Pieterzoon-in-the-aquarium-864096443?ga_submit_new=10%3A1607994578

So while Eternal Hearts is an awfully dark and edgy book that somehow tops what White Wolf normally does, especially in the 90s -_- You can read my full thoughts on the book here missn11.tumblr.com/post/637367… But hey, at least Eternal Hearts gave us Jan Pieterzoon naked in a giant aquarium and yet they didn’t give any art of that ;_; I and  @rayshell22livejournalcom on tumblr were talking about Jan naked and swimming in a fish tank missn11.tumblr.com/tagged/rays… and I offered to draw it and I hope you all like it

[janpieterzoonapologist]

vampire the masquerade headcanon: vampires over the age of 50 start using ‘simp’ incorrectly as slang for ‘sympathize.’ its too funny for techy nosferatu and young vampires to correct them

Jan Pieterzoon: You know I simp for you sometimes, Beckett, I truly do. But I just can’t have you interfering with Camarilla business

Beckett: You bastard! Keep your simping to yourself. If you simped at all, you wouldn’t be allowing the MacGuffin to fall into the wrong hands!

Okulos: =) holding it together, just barely

[janpieterzoonapologist]

i’m bored. let’s roast jan pieterzoon for no reason

jan pieterzoon looks like he thinks partridge in a pear tree is a sex position and regularly goes to target to buy milk duds, nothing else. he looks like he needs an aspirin to do laundry. he looks like he thinks underwear is disposable and spends $140 a month on five packs of tighty whities only to throw them away after a single use.

he looks he tries to high five airport security agents. he looks like he bought a plane ticket to london just to steal a magazine from heathrow and go right back home. he unironically likes going to the dentist. he had a near death experience at toys r us during holiday season, twice. he goes to business 101 classes to make friends.

jan pieterzoon was born wearing clothes and his favorite song is a magna carta audio book. he rewrites his will every time he sneezes. he has nightmares about balloons. he brought eight pencils to the SATs and yet somehow managed to lose each one before lunch break. once he got tipsy from an overripe tangerine and then made eye contact with cuthbert beckett for 13 minutes and it changed him as a person.

his favorite foods are probably steamed broccoli, microwaved bread, and scented candles. he’s qadir al-asmai if qadir al-asmai failed his driver’s test three times and thought haircuts were painful for the hair. he’s sascha vykos if sascha vykos dressed a cat up in a matching outfit and named it sascha vykitty. he’s the adult who ends up playing a background character for a shitty local high school production of the nutcracker while passing through a small town in nebraska.

jan pieterzoon is the kind of guy who spends several weeks debating what kind of ceiling fan to install in his bathroom. he writes 3 star reviews of paperclips on Amazon. he tips taco bell employees with nickels. he probably smells like baby powder and q tips. fuck you jan pieterzoon go eat some filed taxes

[janpieterzoonapologist]

Jan Pieterzoon watched one episode of Salad Fingers and was immediately and irreparably traumatized

I haven't actually seen Salad Fingers beyond knowing 'it's spooky' but honestly, I could see it.

[janpieterzoonapologist]

"Why does Archon Bell call you babygirl?"

"How about we stop talking for a little while."

[janpieterzoonapologist]

Starting this blog off by declaring that this gif is criminally underused in the VtM fandom