jaredweilshow

[jaredweilshow]

Failed Stand Up

Here is a Stand Up story that I’ll probably never tell on stage again unless I had to fill like an hour or some shit.

Anyway here goes:

I was in the Hamptons a couple of weeks ago

and I heard loud music from a distance and my dad was like you should go check it out

and so I did and I thought it was a lot closer but it wasn’t so I had to run what felt like a mile

and when I got there I walked in and everyone looked directly at me

they were like who are you looking for?

and so I was like i’m looking for mike

mike who

mike muenster

I know i was Hungry.

there’s no mike muenster here. are you sure you’re at the right house

I don’t know can you go check

and then one after another people kept showing up and asking me who I was looking for

then the host of the party came up to me and he’s like who are you looking for?

i’m looking for mike muenster

oh, are you looking for my dad?

what, do I look like i’d be looking for someone your dad’s age

and he was like yeah

and he was like did you want us to keep the noise down.

and suddenly I realized this no ordinary house party. this was a high school party

and that all the white people you guys hate are all living it up at these mansions while us 20 and 30-year-olds have to have our birthdays in shitty bars.

when I got back I told my dad everything.

and he was like “what did you expect Jared, you have a beard”.

So that’s the end of that. I think it’s rather a memory i’d suppress or the opening to my sitcom to show how I still think of myself as a kid.

[jaredweilshow]

Please don’t read.

I was walking home from a date in Crown Heights President’s Day weekend. I couldn’t catch a bus so I citibik-ed to Bed Stuy and walked along the avenue thinking a bus would show up. That was when this guy shouted across the street “hey, where are you going? do you want to split a cab?” I told him that I just felt like walking, and he was welcome to join, and he walked alongside me and told me his name was Max, and that he was heading to pick up some blow. He was talking a mile a minute like Donkey in Shrek, and I felt like that dynamic was enough to keep him around.

A car showed up, and he told me to get in. Thinking back on it, I really wish I had said no and went home, but then I would have nothing to talk about and I had had a good night maybe it wasn’t the worst thing. Mind you I have to be at work about 5 hours away. I tell him that, and that in exchange for this adventure I will be paying for his drinks.

We meet his guy at the outside of the first bar and we do some on the way to a quieter bar. When we get there my throat is on fire cause he had shoved what felt like rocks up my nose. I couldn’t drink I felt like I was going to puke. I walked up to the bar and next to me was a guy I always run into at improv things. I asked him to join us, and he did and I tried to get him to take the pressure off in which he did not do a very good job of doing.

So then it was just me and this guy going bathroom to bathroom at just about every bar we could find till about 4 am. Eventually, as the night came to a close he took out his penis and ask me to show him mine to compare sizes. I told him I have nothing on him because I’m all tapped out from earlier, but he insisted so I took it out and was like “see?” hoping that would be the end of it and he was like “you were just outside walking in the cold. do you want me to suck it?” and I said “no, I’m good on that” and he then asked if I wanted to throw down on another and I told him I’d get him a drink at the bar and I did and he told me he’d be back with another bag. 

I sat at the bar talking to a New Zealander and his friend until the last call. I met a punk-rock chick who thought I was cute, and I kissed her hand before she left, and told this guy the trick to being able to talk to women is to listen to their conversations and be compelled to find your way in. I know now the real trick is doing Cocaine for 3 hours. You’ll talk to everyone, but that was still an insightful tip that i should try to do my best and hold onto.

I noticed the guy hadn’t come back after an hour so I took his shot, and drank some of his beer and walked home. I was so fucked up and was getting tired. I got on the train early thinking I’d get to work earlier and key some purchase orders before I started breaking down boxes and delivering reports, but it took twice as long at 5 am than it does at 6 and got there relatively around the same time. I guess sometimes life’s like that.

Now that some time has passed and I have thought about it again i wonder if I would’ve done it over again, and the truth is I don’t know.

[jaredweilshow]

The Worst Person I Ever Met

Last nite I met the worst person in the world at a housewarming party and they did the following socially aggressive things that made me and everyone hate them.

First, i’ll describe their appearance so you can get a good idea of who they were. She was wearing overalls and had a bob cut which seemed harmless enough until she mentioned her online shop on Etsy. That was the moment I knew we were heading over troubled waters. It’s not so much Etsy as much as she felt the need to volunteer that information.

she was full of telling people about herself and rarely responded to another person, and not “full of” like in the over-confident sense of the word, but “full of” meaning she had a story about herself for every topic that was discussed. Whenever someone wanted to say something that they felt inspired to share she’d get incredibly worked up and bulldoze over them no matter what subject to the point where everyone ran to hang out in the basement because of her. I had turned to the volume down earlier on the music thinking she’d stop shouting, however she continued to be over-enthusiastic and talk over people and we were able to hear her from all the way down there.

That wasn’t what got me. The things she would talk about were centric to her and she held onto every bad thing that’s ever happened and refused to quit until every piece of her memorized script was through. There was a moment when she talked about her mental illness which was “ADD” and as much as I want to empathize with her I feel like if you know you have it there may be apart of you that you can develop your focus to try your best to control it instead of giving yourself permission to shit all over people.

she would make excuses and have dumb reasons like when she ate all the chips and guacamole she repeatedly said: “it’s okay, I'm Italian”. Instead she should’ve said “It’s a shame I lack self-control and am embarrassed and feel it necessary to hide behind my ancestry to enable the cycle of living in misery.”

At one point she lamented about never being on SNL, and how it was a dream of hers as a little kid and still kind of is and someone brought up how I’ve done improv at UCB for 7 years, and she didn’t even acknowledge it and went back to talking about her love of children’s theatre. she had already pre-judged me as someone who lacked culture when in reality that person was a country bumpkin from Rochester New York who has never been overseas. I know this because it all came up, and I listen to everything. Whether I hate you or not I give my full attention to each and every person, and I suppose that’s a waste, but what other choice do I have. Be an asshole like them? No thanks.

EDIT:

It’s been almost a year now and I have been selling this person weed. I only see them for like a minute, but i almost can’t recognize that this person inspired this review. I wonder if they’re still like this, but even now granted that this is mean I feel like it’s a spot on assessment of this individual. and as much as I would delete this I am more curious at the fact that they stirred up this creative energy in me, and it fascinates me, and I wonder if they are still the worst person I have ever met.

[jaredweilshow]

My Grandma

It’s been a year since my grandmother passed away at the age of 94. I saw her often last year probably more than I have in the last decade. Growing up, I lived a mile away from her and when I would visit, she’d come to the window and throw her house keys to me and I would catch them. I didn't always, but I tried. I used to get stressed knowing that if I dropped them it would be the last thing she'd remember about me.

When I was young her home was the place to be; I had a lot of issues in school, and it was where I could go to escape the problems that I would find myself in. She was the only person able to keep me company during the day, and I milked it for all it was worth.

In June of 2016, she entered the hospital, and I did my best to say goodbye. I once brought her ice cream every day for a week until she begged me to stop. From then on it was mostly watermelon. It recently occurred to me in my last visits to the hospital I had to sign-in and take an elevator up to see her. When I would arrive there would be no one there to throw their keys in my direction, and that’s a shame because that’s always been a part of visiting this person. Even as technology evolved, buzzers and door codes became an amenity in most buildings I would wait in the middle of the sidewalk on Kings Highway for a tiny purse containing house keys to spring out of a three-story window and fall into my hands.

I’m sad that there will never be another human being in this lifetime that I will experience that with. So what I’m asking is that you invite me into your home and follow the tradition of throwing your house keys from your window to me so that I may come upstairs to escape the problems I find myself in. Please, this is the only thing I can think of to honor her spirit.

[jaredweilshow]

My friend Alex

Earlier this week I was talking to my friend Alex on the phone. He calls me every week from federal prison where he will be spending the next decade for reasons I do not know or understand why, but that’s the way it is. I’ve been speaking to him weekly for the last 3 years, and I am probably outside of his close family the only contact he has with the outside world.

Growing up, we lived next door from one another and were best friends with throughout middle school. We used to ride our push scooters in his driveway, and then eventually traded those in for skateboards.

It was a boy’s dream, having a best friend who was your next door neighbor. We hung out every day of our fucking childhood, not so much high school or college, but we reconnected after graduation, and he’d visit me at my parent’s house and force me to leave the basement and we’d go on bike rides together. 

Anyway, so we’ve been talking weekly for the last 3 years but this week was different. I took the focus off of me and asked him what he was up to (which I rarely do cause we both want to take our mind off of the situation by talking about me) but this week was different. He told me he lifted a personal best in the gym of 185, and I told him that was more than I weighed, he could lift me.

He was taken aback hearing this because he remembers days where I lamented about being 200 pounds. Hearing that I was consistent in self-mastery made him less miserable, the long story short is I made a promise that I will do 100 push-ups every day. Not for him, but for me.

When I got off the phone I did them to the best of my ability in increments of 10 but by the end increments of 5. The next day I couldn’t do one, or the day after that or the day after that, but Friday I tried again, and I have been able to get to 100 every day since Saturday. The ones I did Monday weren’t even push-ups. They were just me moving my body up and down on the ground. I needed to hurt and break myself the way I did in order to figure out how to do the movement correctly. Like it never occurred to me to do it you have to push against the ground.

After speaking to him I always feel guilty about sitting in my room all day and do nothing which is partly what inspired me to walk 2 and a half hours a day in the winter. I was tired of living in my own voluntary prison.

[jaredweilshow]

Judge Jared

Last month I was asked to judge Indie Indie Cage Match. This would be my third time doing it, and it’s never really been much of an issue for me up until now.

For those of you who have no idea what this was it was an improv show where three improv teams compete to win a trophy in the basement of the triple crown bar restaurant. To determine the winning group the sets are evaluated by judges in front of the audience.

However, in the middle of recapping a team’s set I hear a voice call out from the back “you guys, we don’t have to take this” and for a second we were all at peace. He was right, who the fuck were we? So I crumpled up my paper with the notes on it, threw it away, got up to my feet and said something to the effect of “I'm sorry you feel that way, but as long as I’m here you have to take it so you need to sit the fuck down and shut the hell up and listen to what I have to say.” There was a sparse applause and for a second I thought that was going to be the end of it, but then another person cried out “let’s just do an audience vote” and so I said, “Why, are you afraid of what I’m going to say?”.

I was being downright antagonistic towards everyone for no real reason other than feeling like it was the dumbest way to react to this bullshit.

I held that room hostage until the host explained it was part of a formality of indie indie cage match to discuss the sets, and that this show wouldn’t be like any other despite the protest, and so we proceeded down this hole of unwanted critique. At one point I remember walking over to the trophies and said “you’re going to have to sit through this if you want to take home one of these” as I picked up a trophy to marvel at it.

I don’t know if we’ll ever know who was on the right side of history that night. I would say it is a toss-up between the judges for having their hearts in the right place and the indie indie improv scene for pushing back and saying “enough is enough”.  The last thing I’ll say is I am shocked I got away with this with no creative backlash which is why I am penning this confession and turning myself into the comedy police to ensure that nothing like this ever happens again.

[jaredweilshow]

Self Sabotage Diary Entry #1

I was talking to a girl and we were hitting it off on a dating application. She gave me her number, and we spoke through text for these last few days, but I noticed something already that is disconcerting. In her profile, she had mentioned she’s all about having her shit together. 

In our conversations, she talks about doing yoga after work and living a healthy lifestyle, but so far she’s blown it off twice claiming fatigue. When I suggested she could do it anyway at home she made up an excuse that she gets distracted and starts cleaning things. So I asked what she planned to do instead, and she said she was going to watch trash tv and eat tater tots and then explained to me a few years ago she broke her foot and feels a responsibility to keep up with those shows since they’re still running.

So I said to her that her obsessions are what define her, and then I realized this was not going to work. I can’t get close to this person because they may say and want to have a certain life, but I feel like they don’t take the actions to live it. They are the fraudulent version of the girl I want to be with, and I know talking a big game is a good first step, but I would prefer to be with someone who is further down that line of personal growth.

I’m not saying I’m done with this person either because maybe I’m being judgemental, and how dare I hold a stranger to a higher standard than myself.  We all have issues, but I find this is a common one that trips us all up, and it is worth documenting because it is on the self-sabotage spectrum. It definitely makes me wonder what habits I am repeating that are putting me behind where I should be, but the real questions are “what do I want? What does it look like, and what are the first steps to achieving progress in that direction?” if I could just figure that out maybe my family wouldn’t hate me.

[jaredweilshow]

Who Is This Guy? He's Hilarious.

[jaredweilshow]

The opposite sex

last night I went on a date, and it was just so typical of New York and just about every interaction I've had in this city. Even this next day blog post couldn’t be more cliche and bullshitt-y, and the self-reflexiveness and the shitting on that might just make this one unreadable and almost want to side with anyone but me. 

I just want to write it all off and say it was everyone’s fault but mine, but I am also an accomplice in this. When a woman tells me she is at a bar over a dating app I drop everything like a fucking fireman and go there, and turn it on for them whether I feel it or not.

it’s draining, and it rarely ever works out without consequence. I regret not being more disciplined and discerning, but these are the rules of today that we abide by. I wish I was above it, but I’m not because of how rare it is for me to find intimacy. 

My self-esteem is shot and I don’t know what to do anymore, but I will make this disclaimer that I deserve everything I get because I have to take legitimate chances and ask women out that I really like.

As much as I want to recount the horrific events of last night that made me cringe it all seems sorta dumb to callously recite these actions because there is a part of me that feels blessed that I got some.

I just always feel victimized by these things financially, and physically, but I bet I would feel like this even if I had a real girlfriend. I would feel like boundaries are being broken and that I had no control over little these things and that would be just as uncomfortable like for example at some point on these dates, there’s the inevitable public kiss, it’s not usually a bad thing, but last night it was a worst-case scenario and I felt the heat of everyone’s scalding hot eyes on me. 

I feel like in some respects the gender roles have switched and guys have to be a gentleman and put up with situations that make them uncomfortable sexually or else they’re perceived as wimps. I feel bad and regret saying all of this, but this is a pattern I’ve noticed, and I see no end in sight other than being really good at moving your head at the right times and act like you’re intentionally building tension. 

I know it doesn’t matter,  and I shouldn’t care, and that it’s all in my head but that’s exactly what they say when you complain about that shit. So who knows maybe I need to find a way to put up with it or get used to being alone.

[jaredweilshow]

my dad was in the hospital today, and I was his only hope, and now it’s Midnight on a Sunday and I don’t have it in me to jerk off or go to sleep.

I keep replaying it over and over again in my mind the thing he said to me when I showed up to his bed side after it all went down. He said “Aw Jared you do care about me” and at the time it really sank in and it was somewhat of an emotional moment and all I think I said back was “hey, that’s what you’d do for me” before looking away to avoid welling up.

Part of me knows that it was the drugs he was on, but its still a nice thing to hear. To be appreciated. Sitting here thinking about it it’s really getting to me because one day that will be me and I will have no one but my parents and the internet and that is the struggle of today. I can’t help who I am, and I’m not expecting everyone to change and try to settle for one so we can watch each other die. I rather not think about any of this shit, and take it as it comes, and hope it all works out.

What if me and my people all wait it out till we’re our parents age, and that’s when we all just give in to our urges and it’s just one giant fuck city? What if that’s the trade off? That everyone fucks multiple people every night when they’re old and rich and it’s just the norm, and that’s why everyone’s been holding’ out on me. We're just waiting for the right time when it doesn't matter anymore.

Honestly I can’t even think about action (even though I spent the extent of my hospital stay on pussy control (the dating apps folder on my phone)) the next time I’m on a date all I’m going to be thinking about is if this person I’m with is suitable to watch me die. Ugh, and do I even want to watch her die?

One last thing, on Friday my dad told me how all my friends were passing me by being successful and I’m becoming weird because I clearly had no plans, I felt the need to come over and pick up some old sneakers of his for skateboarding and I came across some steak jerky and we start eating it and everything's fine. The next day I get a call that he checked in to the emergency room. Anyway, so I’m at his bed side after it all went down, and I say to him "I hope your glad I was less of a success so I could be here for you tonight."

P.S. DEAR 6 FOLLOWERS, PLEASE DO NOT TELL MY DAD I WROTE THIS! HE DOESN'T WANT ATTENTION FOR ANY OF THIS.

[jaredweilshow]

The Grid

My biggest fear is that people don't like me, and that's why I'm going to face it head on by telling you all to suck my mother f***ucking c***ock. All I ever wanted was to be liked, and I realize now that will never happen; so I've decided to give up completely, and become a horrible person. I never wanted it to come to this, but you made me this way, and I am absolutely livid and revved up like a deuce.

If you care about me stop reading here cause I rather not taint the future of our relationship with the following that I am about to say unless we have that type of friendship then please continue to sit back and watch as I self-destruct like a runner in the night.

Finally, I get it now. This whole time I was just a person that you tolerated and put up with. I sat quietly alone in the corner waiting for you to accept me like some teenage diplomat. I'd like to thank society for making me this way. I take no responsibility for my actions. So let the Calliope crash to the ground. You all did this to me, and now it's payback. Again, if you can't take the things I have to say then stop reading because I rather not blind you by the light of my word.

So with that said I am deactivating Facebook and going off the grid forever. If you need to get into contact with me or reach me in an emergency good luck trying to bring me into that because I no longer give a damn about any of you. I never meant for it to end like this, but mamma that’s where the fun is.

[jaredweilshow]

Seahorse

Well it's summer time, and we're deep in it. I just don't even go outside anymore So I don't know about you guys, but when I was a kid I went to a place called camp I remember you had to swim like every day, no question if you were up for it or not. and they divided the pool up in sections and they're 3 sections were named after marine life.

 There was Dolphin which was the deep end so no one was allowed to go there. Starfish for the intermediate swimmers And Seahorse which was the shallow end now year after year I was always put in sea horse and it sucked because I wasn't a bad swimmer Seahorse was where everyone learned to swim Everyone was packed shoulder to shoulder crying and splashing Lot of horse play goin on in seahorse I saw my first nipple in seahorse At the time, it wasn't weird, but I still think about it so it definitely is. 

I don't know how anyone ever got into star fish, You probably had to be well connected or a really good swimmer . But I knew I wanted out. It became apparent the more attractive kids were getting moved there. So I tried to get noticed by the lifeguards, but that never worked because they knew what I had going on in my head. It was hopeless, I became concerned that I'd end up living out the rest of the summer in 9-year-old piss water. 

Then one day I was just swimming when a lifeguard noticed me and let me swim in starfish and It was the single greatest moment of my life. Nothing has amounted to that achievement I started thinking I was hot shit. I'd get into it with people just because. 

I was in a different league now. I stopped talking to my old friends. They'd be like "hey what's up starfish, what you're too good for us seahorses now" I got the sense everybody wanted me to fail. so the following day I get there and I'm jazzed and excited to be there and I jump into the pool. and I hear a whistle. and It's the lifeguard telling me to go back to Seahorse. 

So I swim over and I'm like what the hell. I can't go back to seahorse. and so I get out of the pool to go to talk to him because I figure maybe he doesn't recognize me. Maybe He thinks I'm somebody else So I walk up to the life guard and he says Congratulations go to Dolphins. and from that day forward I have always been thinking What if I drowned that day and everything since then is the drowned 9-year-old version of my comatose imagination?

[jaredweilshow]

completely selfless post

Well I still don’t have a TV show, what’s going on over there. Does no one understand that this is a television emergency?

If it makes any of you feel any better I don’t want a television show for selfish reasons. Just to prove it.

Here are 3 completely non selfish reasons for me wanting a show.

1. Most people want TV shows to have a time capsule to show their family in the future, but not me. If you give me a television show, I promise never to procreate. I understand that that is the trade off, but if you give me a television show you have my word that I will not use this as a thing of pride for generations to come.

2. If I don’t get a TV show I will literally die.

My heart can’t take anymore disappointment and it will explode. I will go to sleep one night after just an ordinary day, and never wake up, and when the autopsy reports come back it will reveal that I killed myself using my mind. That would make make a pretty cool episode. About getting trapped in a dream and not being able to wake up till you promise you’ll live your life to the fullest. That’s like an ‘are you afraid of the dark?’

3. I want to know what love is.

I’m not doing this for money, success or fame. I just want people to teach me how to care about them , and the way to do is that is to have them worry about me. I can’t make the first move, I’m too shy. Give me a TV show and you will teach a man to fish for the rest of his life. It will be the first step in me getting the special attention I need.

So there you have it. 3 unselfish reasons from a guy no one will ever take seriously.

[jaredweilshow]

Dear Network Executives

I want a TV show and I want one right now. I’m not getting any younger, in fact I’m the oldest I’ve ever been and becoming less of my best self by the day. I’m peaking, and I need this. I need this all to be captured before time runs out and it’s too late.

Needless to say, do I deserve my own show? Yes, aside from resume shit I could list. drama follows me where I go. I am a lightning rod for bullshit. Who wouldn’t want to watch that? A show about a guy who constantly steps in shit and tracks it through his life.

So now that I’ve got you hooked there’s more where that came from. Just give me a chance, but if I don’t get one soon I am going to cross that bridge when I come to it.

[jaredweilshow]

the worst thing that has ever happened to me

Woman on the train ate her lunch next to me, it pissed me off so much that I will never eat grapes again.

— Jared Weil (@JaredCrossWeil) November 7, 2013

it was a cool day back in november 2013, the tuesday before thanksgiving

i was rushing home from work and i didn't feel well. I had eaten pizza that morning BIG MISTAKE from Joey's pepperoni on 39th cause i was running late to work and it just made sense

Little did i know that day joey had something to else in store for me

AND That was the thing that carried me over the threshold. i just know it. Anyway after a shitty day of work i

decided to go home early. i took the train aand made it to the bridge no problem, but then all these people got on the train.

I took off my scarf. I couldn’t breath.  My stomach was in knots and I felt like I wanted to jump out of my body. We got up the bridge, and made our slow descent upwards. I glanced out at the New York skyline and new that I was not going to make it I had to get off this train or sit down or do something.

I turned to the door and took a deep breath, and let it rip. It was happening, I was doing it i was vomiting. in all my years as a performer i always think about my worst fear and this was is it and there was nothing i could do about it.

The person next to me removed a shopping bag from their groceries, but by that point it was too late. I was blowing chunks of uncooked cheese into the sleeve of my leather jacket. I was that guy.

Someone handed me a napkin, and I vomited all over them. I vomited on them. I vomited on everybody. That didn’t really happen, but oh my god I wanted to.

I thought about all the things in my life that led up to this moment. How did I become this? Am I just that shitty of a person? Is this Karma? Is this what happens to bad people? Is this how I know that I am evil. Do primarily bad things happen to people who are evil?

All these thoughts were running through my head as all the sauce, and oil was pouring out of my mouth.

I don’t know if those people will ever forget me. I am sure that I am burned into their mind as they are burned into mine.

Perhaps, I’m giving myself too much credit because then I hope so, and I can learn to forget that this was even a part of my life.

I had to get new shoes, new scarf, and a new jacket. It single handedly changed the way I looked that winter and for the rest of time.

couple of years back, I ran into my sister during a delay on the F train track. We were both running late so we split a cab. In the car we got to talking and she had mentioned it had been a rough year for her. To cheer her up I told her how I vomited on a train car of people. We spent a good part of the cab ride talking about it, and when it was over she conceited that I had the worst year and paid for the cab ride.

Later on that year she killed herself. I had the worst year of my life, so I thought, and even though I told her that I still couldn’t save her, and no matter how much you try and think these things matter, and make it line up and have meaning they don’t and it’s all random.