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[jasminecarmelle]

Things I Wouldn't Mind Never Hearing Again

If you gave me a nickel every time some stranger asked me in public how much I weigh or what size clothes I wear because, "Oh my goodness you're so little!" I would have enough to fill a sock and beat them with it.

Here are other questions and unsolicited pieces of advice I've been given or have overheard someone else suffer through I would love to never hear again.

Before you do, don't:

14. Say, "If there is anything I can do to help, let me know." You don't mean it. Anything includes a lot of possibilities. People in Los Angeles, the land of people pleasers of which I am High Priestess (Note: I'm working on it ya'll. The Lord ain't through with me yet.), are notorious for these promises. They have come to serve as punctuations for way too many conversations.

Instead of this vague offer you likely can't/won't/shouldn't honor say, "Would you like me to do [this specific thing] or [this other specific thing]?" That way the person in need knows what you are willing and able to do. If neither of those options works, the person in need then has the opportunity to ask for something else. Here is where you get to say "Yes, I can do that!" or "No."

Languishing in the but-they-said-they-would-do-anything-to-help-me Purgatory is a special kind of hell you should reserve only for your arch nemesis who you have tricked into friendship only to set the stage for their eventual demise.

You're friends and respected acquaintances don't belong there.

13. Ask someone who has been job searching longer than it takes a human baby to be conceived and born if they have looked on Craigslist for a job. Searching online job boards is probably the first thing they did the moment their previous job was terminated. Asking if they have considered the most obvious solution, even after all the time that has passed, is like asking someone who is constipated if they have tried sitting on the toilet.

12. Ask someone who is single what happened with the last guy/girl you remember them dating. You: So how's the love life? Them: It's coming along. I'm still single. You: What happened to that lawyer you were seeing? I thought you liked him! Them: Oh him! We got married after a whirlwind romance. He bought me a house as a surprise wedding gift, but it was a duplex with no wine cellar. So, you know. I annulled that mess. The same thing applies to someone who is job searching. Don't ask them about the success of past interviews. If they're still job searching it means they didn't get that job.

11. Say to your single friend, "I know a guy you should meet. He's perfect for you." Except you don't really know the guy and the only thing you know he has in common with your friend is the part where neither one has a spouse.  If you introduce me to a guy who turns out to be a walking bundle of red flags, social awkwardness, neurosis and bad breath I will forever wonder what you think of me. Setting up a friend is a dangerous game of risk. Don't play it unless you can thoroughly vouch for the character and compatibility of both people.

10. Ask a married couple when they are going to have a baby.  When they get pregnant, that’s when they’ll have a baby. You won’t have to ask. A pregnant belly kind of announces itself. Can you imagine how painful that question is for couples who are infertile? Family planning is intensely personal. No couple should be interrogated about their plans.

9. Ask a pregnant woman if she's sure she's not having twins.       Because she’s enormous, right? Ha. Ha. Pregnant women are growing people and by the end of the pregnancy their bodies and nerves are stretched to the limit. And then some. I’ve never had a whole human being with arms, lets ears, hair and a skeleton inside of me but I would imagine I would feel the least pretty I’ve ever felt in my life. Having someone point out that I was cartoon fat would make me want to kick their shins.

8. Ask a Black woman if you can touch her hair. She doesn’t know where your hands have been, she doesn’t want you raking your filthy fingernails through her hair and destroying her style, and she’s not a pet.

7. Ask someone who has recently broken up with their partner why.  When someone tells you the are divorcing their spouse or ending a long term relationship, do not ask why. Let them tell you. It’s a painful story. They don't want to have to recount the gory details over and over with casual acquaintances. In public. Let them volunteer the information in their own time, if they decide to tell you at all.

6. Ask someone who is suffering through hardship or enduring the "pending" status of an outstanding need if they have considered praying about it.  What a novel, interesting, unique solution. Thank you, oh wise one, Oracle of Enlightenment, for opening my eyes to this option I had not once considered. </sarcasm>

Even the most aggressive atheist will cry out “God!” in moments of true desperation. If you met me at church (and not in a strip club where I read Tarot cards between sets in the champagne room) then trust that I am praying. Hard, long, always, desperately, sincerely, fervently. In fact prayer is the only thing holding me up right and sane. I'm praying as we speak.

5. Ask your entrepreneur friend if they want to give their services away to you in exchange for promotion.  Does that promotion include exposure to an audience of millions made up entirely of their target demographic and ideal clients? Or does it mean a “Hit my friend up if you need a photographer,” Facebook post? If the answer is the latter than save it and cut them a check.

Entrepreneurs are running a business. In exchange for their services, they seek payment so they can do the same thing you do when you get paid by your employer. When Safeway starts letting sole proprietors pay for groceries with accolades and shout outs and landlords accept warm hugs as payment, then you can barter.

4. Ask said entrepreneur friend for a discount. If they are your friend you should be willing to pay the full amount. You’d do it for a stranger.

3. Ask your children to relay information between you and your ex. Don’t ask your child to be more mature than you. If you can’t communicate with your ex because your relationship is so destroyed that having conversation not laced with f-bombs and tears is impossible, then you need to find a adult mediator or counselor. It is not your child’s job to navigate through the tension, subtext, and passive aggressive digs you exchange with your ex.

2. Tell someone who has yet to meet their future husband or wife that, "Maybe God doesn't have anyone for you. Have you considered that He may have more use for you single?” The need for love and intimacy is fundamental for humans to thrive and necessary for the survival of our race. It’s basic. If you got married at 22.5 to the person you met when you were in the 7th grade then let me suggest that you don’t know what it’s like to have this need go unmet long past the time when having children was ideal. Everyone has the right to find a partner to share their life with. Suggesting that someone’s desire for a mate is somehow outside of God’s will is insensitive and terribly presumptuous.

1. Ask an infertile couple if they have considered adoption.   This is along the same lines as the point above. Try asking what their options and next steps are or offer to pray with them. Don’t ask if they’ve considered abandoning their attempts to conceive. That is a personal decision to be made between the two parties who make up the couple. Not a threesome that includes you.

[jasminecarmelle]

You cannot image the powerful of empathy. This is love.