jason-delilo - Tumblr blog

[jason-delilo]

I had 2 anxiety attacks today. I slumped against the kitchen wall for one, but Lilo came to my rescue. It was right before I bought the scooter. Now I’m in bed at night.

Aireen called me last night to check on me.

Mom asked me today if I’m ok..

Britt checked on me

Sara was thinking of me

Boo boo keeps checking on me even when I don’t answer

Cathy called me

Vanessa asked to hang out Thursday...

It’s been 8 months since we first started our break, 7 weeks since I caught her cheating, 2 weeks since I found out she was open to seeing others and since she admitted she slept with her again, and 10 days days since I she admitted to it being more than 2 times but less than 10’at the time. And 10 days since I said good bye. 4 days since I have in and replies to her after she sent me lily pics, and a selfie at the hospital.. she said she thinks about me a lot. It’s been 2 days since I sent my response and no answer. I’m a fucking mess. When will this end 😔

[jason-delilo]

The first week I tried to put myself back together

It’s always in the silence where I hear my heart break the loudest. It’s been about a week since I last did any journaling. It’s been about 4 days since I last cried, which has been the longest since this whole thing started. But I’m crying a bit now as I write this.

The thereapy sessions were great, they both included some questions that were simple, yet... they cut deep? That night, I used sage to cleanse my room, I shoved my laundry off the bed, and Leo and I slept in my room for the first time since Cathy left for CO. So it had been almost 2 weeks of me crashing and working on that couch.

It was nice.. to take ownership of this space again. But it’s still a reminder of all the times we had, and also the reminder of the infidelity that transpired.

Last Sunday was when we last had a “serious talk”.. it was triggered by a IG store she had tagged of her and that girl hanging out. I still don’t know where she’s going with all of this though. She hasn’t moved on, she’s taking things day by day. And I started to do my own thing, finally, but I still can’t help but keep tabs on her. I mean.. when she’s at work, it’s like the new routine is she’ll reach out to me to say hi. And we chat superficially all day until she falls asleep , with no good night. And then on her last day of work, the messages stop for the most part.

She’s sent me pics and videos of Lilo the last 3 days though.. but even though I respond, nothing. Like she sent me a pic of her at 1130pm last night. I replied around 3am when I woke up and sent a pic back of Leo. No response. Then she sends me a video of lilo at 6pm today.

Lilo is like my daughter, and I love that she’s sending me updates. Is this her way of still saying she’s thinking about me through this weird ass period? Is she moving on from me?

Or am I thinking about this wrong? Like am I asking the right questions? Is she healing to be a better person? I hope so...

I’m trying to focus my energy on myself but it’s still so hard to make that transition where I don’t think about making decisions without her. Or analyzing our past, current and future without her in it.

Today, I bought the Thai meal she likes to order when she’s here..In the silence of these quiet Sunday’s is when I miss her the most... 😔

Mar 29 - 729pm

[jason-delilo]

The days I went around the fucking world

The adventures one can go on while 7 days quarantined alone is really testing, and intriguing, my mental limits.

So not only did I acquire a dog ($250 adoption fee, $250 refundable neuter deposit, $90 grooming, $100 doggie supply run..).. I also did a whole bunch of spiritual readings ($325.. don’t ask) and Postmating ($100 probably?)...

All the find that the last kind of conservations we had have all been.. blah. I already see the stranger you’re becoming to me, which breaks my heart so much.

Aireen has a great metaphor:

“Ok with rehab/speech therapy. We get a new admission/patient coming in for the first time. We get orders to evaluate her. Shes too weak and debilitated and cant do anything with us. Doesnt benefit from rehab/speech therapy right now. So insurance gives us no choice but to discharge her from rehab.

HOWEVER lo & behold 1-2 mos down the line, homegirl is perking up with increased activity tolerance and is more alert. So we inform the MD & they get us another order for an evaluation. Speech evals her and shiittt this bish is a brand new person able to talk, eat, and eventually after a few mos of therapy, discharges home.

I meant it like that. Like yes yall may be discharging this case cold Turkey, but that doesnt mean yall cant pick up again.

I know the cold turkey makes you feel hopeless and like you've lost your entire future. But all you need is to reset, recup, & rest. “

All of that oddly resonated really well. And it got me out of a nasty funk I was in after we had exchanged a few messages where it felt so.. heavy and dead. It was about losing eachother if we didn’t end up together.

It’s so strange... I’ve been in breakups before, and each time they hurt of course. But this one feels SO... intense. Like, cutting fucking deep. Deeper than anything I’ve had before. I think the last time I felt this lost and heartbroken was when I was 19.. 12 years ago. But it’s a different cut. I’ve grown up.. but have I? No.. I have. I would have never had the strength I would today to go through the rollercoaster that I went with you.

Because that’s what it was.. from the day I met you, it was a fucking rollercoaster. So many highs.. the anticipation of what the next high was, what adventure we were going to partake in next.. from all of our trips, to our foods, so our sex, to our animals, to our conversations. There was so much to explore between us...

And then the lows... from constantly bringing you back from the edges of Deanna, the boys, your fights with mom, your anxiety, your self hatred, your low self esteem, your borderline disrespect while allowing others to flirt with you, and you flirting back, your infidelity with the girl I brought up multiple times about, your blatant erasure of me in social media and in stories about the things I give/do for you... that’s all just at the top of my head. There is SO much to unpack about what I took on when I agreed to do life with you.

And I don’t regret a single moment.

This all happened as it meant to. I wish you had cut me loose earlier on, but then we wouldn’t experience so much.

You fucked me up good, but you also gave me the best year of my life. I don’t know how to reconcile the two..

I don’t know where to go from here. All those psychic readings all said 4-5 weeks I should expect to hear from you about a reunion lol. Yeah right. Doubt it.. but a part of me does hope you’ll come around 😔

I still love you.. that doesn’t go away. I also still think you’re the biggest idiot for doing things (that girl) and not doing things (therapy).

It’s going to be fucking hard, but I think I need to not focus on you now. I need to make the real efforts to put you first, and out myself first now. You were able to do it... you always put yourself first. Maybe I can find the strength to put my first now. I was whole when I met you.. I don’t know how much of me is left now. Guess I’ll go find her.

March 22 - 8:47pm

[jason-delilo]

Ah... so many victories and failures in the last few days. I thought I was doing swimmingly well.. but TRIGGERED. Their friendship, or whatever they are, triggers me so so bad. I accidentally responded to her fucking story, like an idiot. I said my bad. And “heh”. Because well.. I’m there. Like.. I’m not okay with it?

I really need to stop looking at her story. I need to

Mar 21 - night o’clock

[jason-delilo]

If yesterday was the first day I let myself hate you... then today is the first day I let myself start to forgive you.

March 17 - 11:08pm

[jason-delilo]

The night I nearly gave up

Hi... this must be the worst environment (or best?) to start getting over someone because I’m alone (Cathy went to Denver, of course where you are), our office is encouraging WFH, and it’s raining. I literally am alone to sit in these negative ass thoughts.

And all I do is fucking cry. You will never, ever, see the breadth of emotions I’ve felt during this process.. NEVER. Because you refuse to really look your choices in the face. I don’t care what you say if you’ve been processing but you getting that cough back? That means you’re fucking wasted all the time. Maybe doing drugs too, whatever.

But I just.. I’ve held myself back for so long, but I think today is the day where I’m just letting myself admit... I hate you, just a little bit.

I hate that you did this to us. I hate that you brought me down like this. I hate that you get to go and fucking black out, and probably fuck her or all these people around and not give a flying fuck what any of this is doing to me.

Am I the victim? FUCK YES. I told you time and time again. If you don’t want me, let me go. If I’m here, there’s no one else. So what do you do? You fuck another girl, I have all the ducking footage on it, and despite the fact that it DESTROYS me, you still act besties with her.

You are selfish. You may be so generous in some aspects. But you’re the most selfish selfish person I’ve ever met. You’ve dragged me into your mess, but all I wanted was for you to either keep me, or let me go, and you did both. Not only did you do both. But you humiliated me.

But you just want to party, drink, hang out with your nurse friends. Seriously, fuck Sam who picked your sorry ass off the grown. I drowned for you, and you couldn’t even dip your toe in the water for me.

I regret letting you in.. you don’t deserve the attention, care, and thoughtfulness I have to you. You’re a fucking mess, a mess that I tried to keep from spilling all over the place, but all you did was make me spill myself all over the place.

God you make me feel so ashamed. Everyone on my life would say “I told you so” because everyone fucking knew you’d hurt me. Even you knew it SO WHY DIDNT YOU LET ME GO.

It’s my fault, I shouldn’t have waited for you. Today is the day I let myself hate you a little

Because you stole apart of me, distorted it by LYING and CHEATING because YOU WANTED TO LET GO... and you bastardized everything we built.

Please leave me alone. Do not contact me unless it’s something Lilo, or when we go to Mexico. You’ve fucked up my life, and you have no place in it if you deliberately go against me I’m picking them back up. Who fucking says “I just wanna let my hair loose”. When someone tells them YOU AND THE BITCH YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH ARE GIVING ME ANXIETY ATTACKS. Fucking selfish. Go enjoy your selfish life. I’m done with you.

March 16 - 7:45pm

[jason-delilo]

Thoughts I said and didn’t say the last night we had a serious discussion about this.

I’ve talked this out with trusted friends so I can check myself if I’m being irrational cuz Thats the last thing I want to be, and it’s completely understandable you needing space, but the thing none of them understand is how you treat me when it comes to this girl when I explicitly say you are hurting me hard with her. Now if you don’t care if I go, then by all means, carry on how you are.

It’s not okay, it’s not right, and I am really just sad that this is how it is😔 You may think you have this security blanket that we’re not or weren’t in a relationship, but you’re kidding yourself. We had boundaries of respect, and you shit on them. this situation became emotionally abusive, and I won’t just sit here while you have fucking sleepovers with eachother, while you leave lilo with her, knowing I’m destroyed by your association with her, and now have multiple mental health issues because of what YOU did. You say you care about me, care about the situation? If you did, you would have let me go before you fucked her, you would let me go now so you can do whatever it is you want with no rule or obligations.

For someone who claims they care about me, and wants to help how they can, you’ve sure done the complete opposite. You avoid/prolong/ignore me when I’m begging to talk things out, you lie to me when I ask questions, you keep me hooked by saying words of care and affection yet turn around and do the opposite shit, you get upset at me for reacting to things YOU’RE doing and try and blame that it’s my fault...

Please don’t reach out to me unless it’s for lilo. I’ve let you dictate and control the situation for so long, and I feel taken advantage of. I don’t know who you are anymore.

I’ll be honest... I don’t know how much longer I can share the same space with someone who’s directly involved in how we came to be right now. as long as you continue your friendship with her as it is. I get it’s a nurse group gang when you all hang out. But the sleepovers, her taking care of lilo... I’m being really real with you that I’ve become mentally unstable because of not only Sunday’s action, but the actions after. So, if you really can’t or won’t put some distance with her.. There will be a breaking point for me very soon where I’m.. I will end up having to ask you to not contact me, unless it would be about lilo.

I need you in my life as well, you KNOW how much faith and love I have for you. I’ve fought tooth and nail to be the woman of your dreams, and to treat you like a queen. But I can’t rationalize your close friendship so soon after us taking a break.

March 13 - 1:11am

[jason-delilo]

Can we talk?

We’ve been trying to navigate what to do with eachother and how to be with eachother for weeks. I’ve forced myself to be in a somewhat stable mind because we were going to see eachother in Miami.

When I met you, you could rarely sleep, until you slept on me and with me at certain times. You felt comfortable enough to let go of that anxiety. But then you’d have episodes often, during intoxication, during flights, during just talking.

I did everything I could to learn about anxiety, to learn exercises to get you out of it, to be there for you when you were blacked out going through it.. just so you could see the other side.

And now I find myself on the other side. I am constantly in a state of anxiety because of the situation we are in. I go back and forth between anger and sadness, nostalgia and defeat.

I can’t keep doing this, I’m not built to be this fickle, going back and forth, and constantly thinking bad thoughts in the back of my mind.

So I need to know because I really need to make some decisions for my own mental health.

Since that Sunday, have you ever lied to me about hanging out with Her?

Since that Sunday, have you ever flirted with her?

Since that Sunday, have you ever kissed her?

Since that Sunday have you ever had sex with her?

Mar. 10 - 9:33pm

[jason-delilo]

I don’t know

I have no idea what is going on in your head, what has been going on, but we are going to figure this shit out right now. I used to be so proud that we could communicate and talk through anything, and that’s what made us different, but these last few weeks, I’ve lost that with you.

Yesterday, while I had the worst day of my life, and you were nowhere to be found, I had to rely on a few friends to hold me up while I tried to fill in the gaps of the disaster that was Sunday.

You should thank them, because without their help, I would not be composed like I am right now with you. No, the whole world doesn’t know what happened, and no, I have no plans on slandering your name because I’m a good fucking person. Unlike the trash you fucked.

So while I’ve been journaling, talking to myself out loud, crying every other hour with questions, doubts, and anger, the one thing missing is you.

So please tell me everything. I want to know every interaction, every thought, every doubt, every time you fucked her, everytime you flirted with her, every time you touched anyone else outside of me since we met, every time you lied to me, because I want to know how we got to be so fucked up so quickly, and if this is worth salvaging, if there’s anything left to salvage.

So if at the end of whatever you’re going to say if I’m not satisfied, I’m going to ask you questions, I’m going to tell you about every emotion I felt, and I want you to listen and respond to everything with honesty. Because if you don’t, the truth ALWAYS comes out, and this entire conversation is going to determine if I want you in my life or not from this moment on. I know I’m a good fucking person. I have my flaws, but I know I bring out the best in people, including you. So you can either give up and give into whatever bad thoughts you’re going to give into, or convince me to believe you’re actually a good person that deserves another chance to be in my life.

Mar. 2 - 5:47pm

[jason-delilo]

You make me feel like shit

Just leave me be, if you don’t want me just let me go because your indecision is destroying me.

Feb. 23 - 7:22pm (at one of the bars in Denver)

[jason-delilo]

I’m starting this nearly 1 month after I last left Denver, and 3 weeks since that Sunday happened. For 2 weeks, I was pure anxiety and anger. However.. it’s been about 1 week where I’ve absorbed things and... Things are really different now.

While this is for me to process everything, of you ever see this one day, I hope you’ll understand everything I will say comes from a place of love.. which is probably why some of this will suck to read.. but also warm.

Mar. 19 - 7:25am