jayjayguns

[jayjayguns]

To: Myself

Its been some time since I’ve been here. I’m not very good with the verbalization of words but I honestly don’t think I’m much better when it comes to writing them down either. How can things go good to insure so fast. It’s crazy how someone can make someone else feel so differently about certain things pertaining to dating in a short amount of time. I don’t trust, never have and probably never really will. I was learning to trust, and it was intense and normal all at the same time. I gave in because it was feeling so natural. I’m so confused now. I’m left wondering and it just doesn’t feel right. I have my mind racing I can’t do it again. I don’t think I’m meant for anyone or for anything special at this point. It’s not his fault, it’s mine. I’m more upset with myself that I let my guard down and that I’m regretting it now. This is not how I ever thought I would feel again. I’m honestly just so taken aback. I don’t think I want to continue because the taste of this right now is bothersome. It scared me too much to have to do this again. I don’t want to get invested in anything anymore. It’s absolutely hilarious how I can sit here and I know the right answer to things here but I want to choose to be closed off and go about it in the completely opposite way. I’m not sure anymore and I just definitely don’t want to do this.

[jayjayguns]

To: Myself,

It’s hard to believe I will ever get more in life. It’s sad being alone and people asking about it. Like, truthfully I was so caught off guard when someone asked me today, “so are you always alien? Where’s your friends?” My response, “married or in relationships.” It sucks, I think I will forever be that third wheel. I want to give up so bad because it’s so much easier to self sabotage then continue on. At least then I know the ending and I won’t have to seek out closure. It’s just preferred that way I feel like, for me. Life really sucks being lonely, but sucks more being let down each and every time you put yourself out there. When it gets broken down, it’s like a guy seems truly interested at first right, then after like two dates (if you’re lucky sometimes it’s the first) they put the pressure on to sleep with them. Then, you’re in the middle of a messed up situation where they said that’s what they wanted but now you can’t even be the girl their interested in because you were, “easy.” It never makes sense, and at the end of it all I’m better off staying alone rather than feeling alone.

Love, Myself

[jayjayguns]

To: Myself,

It’s crazy how my persecution of dating and relationships is skewed. How am I supposed to ever trust someone and be vulnerable to them when every other time I have done that, I have been let down. Like, truthfully you wouldn’t step off the side of a building if you did not see the giant cushy inflatable bed to fall onto, would you? It’s just impossible to think that things could be blindly accepted and trusted. It’s not easy and people say they get it but they don’t. I have only known lies and betrayal and I don’t want to go through that again. So, I put up a defense so I

[jayjayguns]

I don’t feel right, the thoughts are slowly creeping back into my mind. The way I can have power is starting to take over. How I can’t put it into words why I feel this way, I don’t know I just do. I can’t even cry, I’m numb. I just want to ruin everything I possibly can. It’s like I don’t even want to go through peaks and valleys, I want nothing. It’s easier that way. I’m toxic. My toxic trait is just self sabotage, because why not. No answer, means no problem. I wash my hands clean of it, and I prefer it that way. I want to go back to be heartless and not caring, that’s what people show me. You’re supposed to treat others the way you want them to treat you right? I’m confused.

[jayjayguns]

To: Myself,

Here we are again, nothing has changed. Well maybe the person. There’s a huge connection but like the stuff in the middle is still missing. We’re on the same page when it comes to that. Hell, today I said I wasn’t going to message him first and quite honestly he was thinking the same thing. My heart is literally with it, but I don’t know why and I’m still scratching my head trying to figure out why. I try to get those questions answered or get you to ask me questions. But who am I kidding? That’s not my strong suit. I haven’t cried in a long time and I cried. It felt good but so fun at the same time. I want to be able to know what to do from here. So something, somewhere give me a sign. I need it. Bad.

Love, Myself

[jayjayguns]

Isaiah Hill:

“If you lost like 15-25 pounds oh my god do you know how fire you would be.”

[jayjayguns]

To: Myself,

Remember you matter. Your happiness matters. You’re an priory not an option. It’s hard remain positive in a world of negativity but you got this. You didn’t come all this way to fold. No one deserves to be able to control your happiness or you as a person. You’re strong and this so small. There’s so much more to be had in life. Everything will get figured out. I know right now it doesn’t seem that way and there’s probably a million different things going on but you have to trust the process of life. You will find the sunshine after every storm. It can’t rain forever. You’ve been you’re own super hero for so long just continue on. You will nothing but happy if you tell yourself that. There’s nothing to not be happy over. Be thankful, enjoy and this too shall pass. Whatever it is, remember you got over Rob, Roni, Rick and whoever else that was toxic and didn’t make it here. You really had a thing for “R” names huh? You got this.

Love, Myself

[jayjayguns]

To: Myself,

It’s funny how people can say something to you all the time and it doesn’t matter. The time that a stranger or a somewhat stranger says the same thing it’s the biggest thing ever and you can’t get it out if you’re head. The way that people you know or see often say things doesn’t hit quite the same as a stranger. It grows and manifest because you start to question, “is this how everyone sees me?” Or becomes something it’s not. It doesn’t stop growing. It breaks done walls that have been there it maybe even breaks down things no one thought bothered them. Words hurt more than people will ever know. They are thrown around so easily and have more power than we give them. The second someone uses them against you it can be a different story. It’s a lot and I don’t expect someone or anyone to understand. I mean how are you supposed to explain how words can mean one way when someone tells you something but they differ by who says it to you. It just is something that I will live with forever and I don’t know if it will ever go away.

Love, Myself

[jayjayguns]

To Myself,

You know I need to remind myself of the last moment with each other. When you came over, we hooked up. But in the back of my head I knew it was over. I really did. I look over and you got a new phone and it was a large screen and you had the brightness turned up, dumbass. I saw you texting her. I saw you sending memes and initiating sex with her. After we just had sex. I turned over and cried in the pillow a little bit and you said something because you didn’t know I noticed. I real quick held the tears back and wiped my eyes and put on a smile. But I knew I died inside at that moment. But it was then that I realized I had to let go. You hurt me real hard at that moment. I’m proud to say at this moment I don’t remember it too well anymore and I’m not crying. Well for today anyways.

Love, Myself

[jayjayguns]

To: Myself,

The honest truth is, I’m scared. I always have been. I’m absolutely petrified that the second I start being exclusively with someone that means I will have to change. I will have to be very open with people about that person and be open with that person about other people in life. In my whole 28 years on earth, my parents have met 1 guy I dated and it was in high school. I want to bring people around them, them being my parents but I have no one. I know that they will never approve of anyone which just adds to my anxiety. I push people away before we have to get too close because it’s what’s easiest. Then they’re will be something wrong and they can’t stay around anymore. It works out great I just find something they don’t care for or a dealbreaker for them and I use it to my advantage. Pretty messed up, I know. I never realized how much of that played in my dating life until now. I truly do it without thinking. I sabotage things myself so it’s easier. For who, oh I don’t even know. I don’t even bow out gracefully. But, I’ve pretty much mastered it. No one wants the fucked up girl in they’re life, so I just keep being that fucked up girl. I’m literally the saddest excuse of whatever it is I am. No wonder people laugh at me. It’s fine I’ll just go fuck up something else now.

Love, Myself

[jayjayguns]

To: Myself,

So, we’re a few days away from my birthday and it all hit me tonight I’m still alone. And as part me comes up with excuses like I’ve been busy with work and family and other things I still have a thought that maybe I am the problem. I don’t think I know what stable is let alone what’s good and bad. I mean great in other fatcets of life but this is not it. Like, I’m sad I don’t have someone to share my birthday with and make it special. It will be with my friends. But, you know what I mean as in just a day for me and someone else who I wish or hoped would be excited for my existence. Like I am for my friends. I’m not trying to sound ungrateful for the things I do have planned but it would be nice to have someone plan things for me. I just lay here and think how I can’t even sleep with someone next to me because I don’t like it. I mean maybe I will end up alone for the rest of my life but then I get overwhelming sad because all I want in life is to be a mother. I want to so bad. I know that’s a little deep but honestly I will be crushed if at the end of my life I look back and didn’t get to do everything if not the most important thing to me. It hurts. I know I am supposed to be a mother but what if I never get the chance. I cry just thinking about it. That’s painful. Love, Myself

[jayjayguns]

To: Myself,

What do you do when you know you’re the saddest person in the room. But no one else does. What do you do when you can’t help but be insecure. But you laugh it off so no one can tell. What do you do when all you think about is how alone you are. And everyone is tired of hearing about it.

Love, Myself

[jayjayguns]

To Rick,

You will never know I still sit here after midnight and wonder if you’re thinking about me. You will never know the pain I carry around with me because of my decisions. You will never know I can’t have a stable relationship because of the things I let you do. I miss you and I hate you all at the same time. You have made me such an ugly person. Before I met you I was so uncondident, sad and self conscious person. You taught me the beauty I had and held and how to be happy. But the second you left you took that all away. I let you take it all away. I miss feeling good about myself. I miss trusting guys. I miss never having to second guess. But most of all I miss you. I miss having someone who I loved but was also my best friend that I told everything to. I’m alone. So fucking alone. I mean for the most part I’m over you. But it’s not like these where somehow it all comes back and I feel the most lonely and remember every single feeling you did to me like it just happen again. The pain I have to carry with me because of you is my fault but you’re to blame too. You know just as much as I did. It hurts to cry. It hurts to laugh. It hurts to be happy. I’m ruined, damaged, tangled, messed up because I let you but tell me why I still love you.

[jayjayguns]

To: Myself,

I am never going to measure up to anything for anyone. I just want to share my life with someone. It’s crazy how I can have two days where I take in $2,500 in sales and feel like I’m top of the world. Then, all of a sudden it can get flipped upside down and I feel like I’m at the bottom of everything in my life. I put a lot of pressure on myself in every aspect. I’m so fucking tired of being lonely. I cry day in and day out in my head and out loud thinking I have things are going good but I second guess everything. I mean I don’t know how we even got here in the first place, but it all comes back to love. I also just never measure up to myself. I hate looking in the mirror. I’m so sad staring at myself. My personal perception is terrible. It’s all around pretty bad I just don’t tell anyone. Why do I suck? I literally hate it all.

Love, Myself

[jayjayguns]

To: Myself,

I’m the saddest excuse for anything. I can’t even have a guy look at me long enough to even remember what I look like. I put on the exterior that I don’t care and it doesn’t bother me but honestly, it’s killing me. I’m the saddest I’ve been. I just want someone to share things with. I’m lonely. All guys want is not me. I’m not wrapped in it all the time just for the moment it’s weighing on me. I’m independent but wishing I could call someone and tell them how crazy my day was. I’m all alone every day and every night. I miss you, you know who you are. I didn’t even have the luxury of that with you. I cry knowing I’ll be alone and I miss having someone. I see other girls having what I only have dreamt of and it kills me on the inside. I will never have what they have or just what I want. Something must be wrong with me. Something I do is not right. I can’t help but wish I knew what it was so I could fix it. I’ll never be enough, I’ll never measure up. Here’s to hoping one day I might, just maybe get lucky.

Love, Myself

[jayjayguns]

To: Myself,

I forgot what it felt like to be depressed this much. What it felt like to not want to live anymore. I would be lying if I said I hate this feeling. Now, don’t get me wrong I don’t like the feeling but I wouldn’t be mad if someone took me away from it all. I’m so deep in and I don’t know how to pull myself out. I cry and that doesn’t work. Of course no one knows. I toss and turn and night with not being able to sleep and having nightmares of that place. I want to be so great but there’s so much built against me. Let me stop making excuses. I wish I could be better. But how does one be better when one does not know the way to get better. I have no one to lean on. No one to guide the way. I’m sad about it. I really had high expectations. I hate my job and I thought a few months ago I would never say that, again. This makes me upset knowing I could be doing something but I’m stuck, again. Maybe I’ll figure it out before it changes from something out of my control.

Love, Myself

[jayjayguns]

we could be better

Just thinki just throw out everything that I own.

It’s easier to not remember.

But here I am, still got your pictures on my phone.

On my phone, looking at them when I’m all alone.

You’re doing good and I’m doing fine.

Now, I’m doing great but you’re on my mind.

We’re better this way, maybe were better this way.

Tell me why is that so hard to say?

You’re not mine and I’m not yours.

But I wish you were, and I wish I was.

Turn back the clock, baby I’ll be so much better.

We could be better.

You’re not mine and I’m not yours.

But I wish you were, and I wish I was.

Turn back the clock baby, I’ll be so much better.

We could be better.

I wish you were, and I wish I was.

I wish we could, and I think we should.

I remember looking at you wanting your touch.

But not too much, I don’t wanna go to far and it can’t stop, yeah.

You put your arm across my back, left to right shoulder.

And you kissed me, do you remember?

Do you remember my heart beating through my chest for you.

For the first time?

Do you remember feeling my heart beat through my chest for you?

We could be better.

You’re not mine and I’m not yours.

But I wish you were, and I wish I was.

Turn back the clock, baby, I’ll be so much better.

We could be better.

Turn back the clock, baby, I’ll be so much better.

Better, better, better.

Turn back the clock, baby, I’ll be so much better.

Better, better

You’re not mine and I’m not yours.

But I wish you were, and I wish I was.

Turn back the clock, baby, I’ll be so much better.

We could be better.

You’re not mine and I’m not yours.

But I wish you were, and I wish I was.

You’re not mine and I’m not yours.

But I wish you were, and I wish I was.

Do you remember my heart beating through my chest for you.

For the first time?

Do you remember feeling my heart beat through my chest for you?